WEMBLEY, UK – As Gareth Southgate hints at stepping down as England football coach, speculation is rife about who will step into his boots.

By Our Football Staff

While conventional wisdom might suggest looking for successful coaches or former football stars, a new wave of non-sporting suggestions has emerged, featuring some of Britain’s most famously unsuccessful figures.

First up is Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards, the ski jumper who became a national hero despite finishing last in the 1988 Winter Olympics. Known for his resilience and unwavering spirit, Edwards might just inspire the England squad with his relentless optimism.

“I may have crashed on the slopes,” said Eddie, “but with football, there’s less chance of breaking my legs.”

Next in line is Tim Henman, the tennis player who made it to the Wimbledon semi-finals multiple times but never quite clinched the title. Henman’s perpetual close-but-no-cigar career could be a metaphor for England’s perennial almost-there status in major tournaments. “If I can teach the lads to hold their nerve in penalty shootouts the way I held mine in tie-breaks, we’ll be golden,” mused Henman.

Southgate go, Widdecome

Thirdly, we have the infamous Ann Widdecombe, former MP and reality TV star. Known for her outspoken views and less-than-stellar performances on “Strictly Come Dancing,” Widdecombe brings a unique blend of political incorrectness and twinkle-toed tenacity.

“If I can stand up to lefty politicians in Westminster and tango in front of millions, I can certainly handle a bunch of misbehaving, underperforming footballers,” she squealed.

Finally, there’s the inimitable John Sergeant, the journalist whose disastrous but endearing dance routines on “Strictly” made him a national treasure.

Sergeant’s knack for turning failure into charm might just be what the England team needs to shake off the pressures of expectation. “Winning isn’t everything,” he said with a wink, “but looking good while failing might be the answer.”

England Football Coach

As the ‘great replacement’ debate continues, fans and pundits alike are left wondering if perhaps, just perhaps, embracing a bit of good-humoured failure could be the secret to England’s future success. After all, if these illustrious underdogs have taught us anything, it’s that sometimes its better to set your sights low.

Meanwhile: Just wait until fans realise Southgate must take the knee for knighthood