Fancy an all-day ride for three quid on the no 65 bus? Read on…

With the never-ending, ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis continuing apace, it is becoming something of a free-for-all down at the bottom end of the social hierarchy. In the old days of regular, ‘everyday’ poverty; rats, white van men, pizza delivery drivers and shop assistants would compete for every pound spent in their communities, and everyone was just able to scrape a living together, more or less.

Not anymore. Now, in 2028, the outside world has truly become a jungle. Working-class communities now resemble zoos – at feeding time, with everyone from milkmen, fishmongers, funeral directors and park keepers locked in a violent struggle against one another in a bid to secure resources. It’s dog eat dog out there (or ‘les chiens mangent les chiens’ as they say in France, where social unrest is the norm).

I blame the Tories

Now, adding to the social disharmony, a row has erupted between the prostitutes and bus drivers of Ipswich. With more and more prostitutes of all three sexes roaming the streets in search of cheap tricks, a war over territory has broken out between these two similar, but distinct social groups.

Slag with a fag

It all started one night when Julie Glossop, 60, a well-known trollop who had worked Ipswich’s red light district for donkeys’ years, decided to ply her trade at a bus stop on Portman Road. Going about his job, Reg Gray, a bus driver who worked the number 65 route that stopped in Portman Road, pulled over to let Julie on.

The no 65 bus

Not realizing that the slag with a fag was not interested in taking the bus – but was at the stop waiting for potential alighting punters – Reg called out “Three quid, love” – that being the price of the bus fare. Satisfied with the offer, and stubbing out her fag on the underside of her stiletto shoe, the old spunker replied, “Oh, go on then. Am I coming up there or are you coming down here?” Baffled by the reply, Reg insisted that the skanky old whore would have to get on the bus which, begrudgingly, she did. 

What a bus-tard

This reporter, has managed to get hold of the security video taken from inside the bus which reveals what happened next…

RG      Three quid then, love.

JG        What d’you mean?

RG      It’s three quid… for the ride.

JG        Yeah, I know, but you pay me.

RG      What d’you mean?

JG        You pay me.

RG      What d’you mean ‘you pay me’? You pay me.

JG        What d’you mean ‘I pay you’? Why would I fucking pay you? You’re fat and bald. You pay me.

RG      Listen, love. If you want a ride then you fucking pay me, alright?

JG        I’m not fucking paying you, you fat basstard. Now fucking pay me or I’m fucking getting off.

RG      Fucking get off then, you old slag, I don’t give a fuck.

JG        I fucking will. I were only gonna give you a wank anyways you rude basstard.

For a good time at a great price, call: Julie Glossop (035482) 3847 3937469696969