IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – Any readers who were alive in the 1970s will remember the “Cup hands here comes Cadburys” TV advert. Well, this is exactly what thirsty workers at an Ipswich call centre have been doing ever since their office vending machine ran out of cups.

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

The cosy advert from the 1970s referred to its customers cupping their chilly hands around a piping hot cup of Cadburys hot chocolate… mmmmm.

The hastily erected notice on the vending machine at the 4T Mobile Call Centre in Ipswich is a warning to staff not to use their hands as cups in the absence of actual cups which, controversially, bosses have decided to stop providing.

Long painted fingernails

We were contacted by a member of the 4T telesales staff who wished to remain anonymous. Julie Scargill, 22, from Rushmere, Ipswich, told us that bosses at her workplace decided to stop providing cups for use at the vending machine as they believed staff were taking too many tea breaks, impacting company profits.

Julie, who has shoulder-length blonde hair and long painted fingernails told us that she personally only had two or three drinks a day which she thought was normal. She explained, “Ok, so the staff use the drinks machine a few times during the day. Talking to customers on the phone all day is thirsty work and that’s what a drinks machine is for isn’t it? FFS!”

Poor Thirsty workers

According to Julie, who lives at 72 Bramble Close, Ipswich, colleagues at the call centre used the vending machine at a similarly reasonable rate, imbibing no more than three or four drinks a day each.

Despite this unexceptional intake of hot beverages, without warning, bosses recently stopped supplying paper drinking cups. Word got out about the allegations of staff taking the piss with their tea breaks, but no-one really believed it because they were careful only to take extra breaks when the bosses were out of the office.

A couple of weeks later, after a period in which staff had resorted to bringing in their own drinks, a sign appeared on the machine warning staff not to ‘cup their hands’ in order to get a drink.

Exploitative capitalist overlords

Julie told us that in the days that followed the sign being stuck to the machine staff found numerous ways of getting free drinks while bosses were out of the office – none of which involved cupping their hands.

“We know that the real reason they took the cups away is because they are exploitative capitalist overlords who see workers as slaves and are too tight-fisted to pay for paper cups for their staff to have the occasional liquid refreshment. Bastards.”