Tesco (or ‘Tescos’ as it is known to members of the working class) is offering toilet training to careless users of its in-store facilities.

Prince, and the man with no name

Men, women, children, those who identify as non-binary, nondenominational Christians, the artist formerly known as Prince, and the man with no name, are all eligible for the training which is being introduced to every Tesco store across the UK, especially in Suffolk and crummy, run-down English coastal towns.

Under the banner ‘Together we can do this’, the popular supermarket chain hopes to clean up its own backyard, or rather, encourage unhygienic members of the public to tidy up after themselves after taking a shit or piss in its in-store customer toilets.

Feels sorry for Jackie

Sudbury branch manager Theresa Metcalf told the GAZETTE “It’s ironic isn’t it? We sell thousands of bathroom cleaning products every week, Viakal (500ml £3.00), Domestos Original Bleach (750ml £1.15), Flash (850ml £2.50) etc, and yet when those very same customers use our instore toilets, they leave them looking like a portaloo on day three of the Glastonbury festival. It’s disgusting. I feel sorry for Jackie – our cleaner.”

Women worse than men

Although men might find this hard to believe, an investigation carried out by the SUFFOLK GAZETTE has revealed that on average, women’s toilets are usually left in a filthier state than their male counterparts’. This is usually due to tomato kethcup being left in the bowls and even on the toilet seats. Men’s toilets are famous for piss puddles on the seats and floor, and aggressively skidded pans in every cubicle.

Fuck knows why anybody would want to go into a unisex toilet?