Southwold amateur photographer, Brendan P. Carlisle couldn’t believe his luck when on Thursday of last week, he spotted a gigantic seagull perched atop a scaffold supporting the last remaining B.H.S store in Suffolk.

Brendan: “I’d just come out of Greggs in the High St. I’d gone in for the express purpose of buying a bag of warm sausage rolls. I don’t like any of their other products.

I walked straight to the counter where the sausage rolls are on display under a heat lamp. ‘Mmmmm, delicious!’ I was thinking. I had been hungry for about 45 minutes. I’d noticed that there were only five sausage rolls left.

They had many more vegan sausage rolls but that’s hardly surprising! Anyway, the guy behind the counter was dicking around on the till. He didn’t seem to know what he was doing.

I assumed either it was his first day on the job or he was a bit thick.  He hadn’t acknowledged me yet, probably because I was standing back a bit from the counter as I didn’t want to be ‘in his face’ while he was sorting himself out. I’m polite like that.”

This reporter wondered when Mr Carlisle would get around to telling us about the giant seagull.

“Anyway. He eventually seems to have sorted out whatever the f*ck it was he was doing with the till, and I am getting ready to approach the counter to put my order in when… and this bit makes me feel physically sick recounting it…when this short, fat – well, more dumpy really – really unattractive woman with reddish curly hair steps right in front of me from pretty much out of nowhere.

Now… she knows I’m there. 100%. Moments before this fat rudeness, I had sensed someone (her) behind me in the shop – in my peripheral vision. I’m very good at that. I have very good spacial awareness.

I know that she had been sniffing around in the refrigerated shelving behind me and to my left. So, like I say, this horrible, short, fat, hog-like woman has gone directly towards the counter, right where the till is. Stepped right in front of me, with haste. Pushed in.

‘Seagull’ The humongous bird?

“Yeah, yeah. The Seagull. Anyway. So she says to the guy on the till ‘three sausage rolls.’ I don’t think she even said ‘please’. With mouth agape, I lifted both hands – gesturing towards her – and silently shook my head in that way that you do when you can’t believe what is going on right in front of your f*king face.

The stupid, fat cow was also carrying a load of other shit she had picked up from the refrigerator, I can’t remember exactly what… crisps…drinks, cakes etc. Greedy f*cking bitch. Anyway.

The counter guy goes to get ‘her’ sausage rolls. He still looks confused. F*ck knows what about? What is there to be confused about in a f*cking Greggs Bakery – apart from how to queue properly, of course.”

What about the photo? Of the giant bird?

“Yeah, the Seagull. So the fat, little bitch is standing there waiting for the guy to get the rest of her ‘snack’, deliberately avoiding eye contact with me. I couldn’t do it. The f*cking cheek of the woman. So anyway, as I’m standing there – in shock – two things happen.”

FFS

“First, It dawns on me what’s just happened. The greedy pig-woman must have clocked that there were only five sausage rolls left in the shop while she was still behind me. It was 6.30pm after all. She’s obviously realized that there was a chance I might buy most or all of the rolls. She wasn’t gonna risk that – so that’s why she’s done it – pushed the f*ck in so that she can get her fat f*cking, pudgy, sweaty hands on MY sausage f*cking rolls!”

What was the second thing?

“The second thing that happened was that I could sense – using that E.S.P. that I have – that another customer had come into the shop. Without even looking at him, I sensed it was a male, that he was hungry and a bit gormless. I noticed, in my right-hand peripheral vision, that he was drifting towards the counter, where, on the other side of me, the fat little c*nt was making her escape with my food. Anyway, it occurred to me that I now had a new competitor for the remaining sausage rolls. I mean, it’s the only thing people go in there for, right? So how many sausage rolls are left now that the animal has gone? Two. How many people in the shop? Two. What do you think I did?”

I don’t know. What did you do?

“I f*cking bought ONE sausage f*cking roll. Not like the dragon. I deliberately left the other one for the dufus behind me, not even knowing if he wanted it. That’s the kind of guy I am.”

Well done, mate. Now… about the king-size pigeon. I mean seagull. What happened?

“Oh, that? Nothing. It wasn’t real. It was just a mural by some street artist. ATM I think his name his? Or hers.”