Atkins Protein shakes, and that SLIMFART stuff. And the hipsters who swish up green gunk from kale and spinach and spirulina, a foul-tasting fluorescent blue-green algae from the sea. It’s a wonder they don’t glow in the dark…and you don’t want to get downwind from them.

Slimfart: a load of hot air

* THE TROPICAL: Put a tin of pineapple in the blender, add a scoop of Banana Nesquick and tip in half a bottle of Malibu and a couple of shots of rum. Shettle yourshelf in a deckchair and shtick shame shun lotion on. Cheers! (37 LARDpoints)

* THE CHOC-A-BLOCK: Put some full fat milk in the blender with a dollop of clotted cream. Add a packet of chocolate buttons, six Oreo Cookies, two Crunchie Bars, two Cadbury’s Flakes and a large swoosh of Baileys. (83 LARDpoints)

* THE FULL ENGLISH: Fry two eggs, three sausages, some black pudding, four hash browns and mushrooms. Put the lot in a blender with a tin of beans, some tomatoes and a pot of tea with milk and three sugars. Great if you’re in a hurry. (90 LARDpoints)

* THE IPSWICH TOWN: Shove a Portman football pie or two in the blender with a bag of chips a blue-icing Krispy Kreme Donut and a pint of Adnams (do it on “pulse action” or the beer will fizz all over the worktop.) A great post-match snack. (75 LARDpoints).

Until next time,
Fatima.