The poor of Suffolk will be decorating their homes for Christmas with mould this year.

Due, in part, to the never-ending, ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis, hard-up families of the working,.lower-working, and under classes of Suffolk who cannot afford proper, shiny decorations (even from Wilko) will resort to allowing Stachybotrys Chartarum (Black Mould) to adorn their living rooms, hallways and bedrooms in celebration of the birth of Christ, or more likely, the purchase of a new flat-screen TV.

Ghost of Christmas present

Household mould or mildew will also be seen in Suffolk’s poorer areas and sink estates, especially around the windows. In this way, the poor-but-proud inhabitants can signal to neighbours and passers-by alike that,.like the Cratchit family from Charles Dicken’s classic ‘A Christmas Carol’, desperate poverty will not prevent them from celebrating Christmas along with the rest of us – albeit in a scummier, more unappealing way.

Ouvre la fenêtre

Another reason for the adoption of mould over decorations by impoverished families this Yuletide,.is the inability of uneducated, poor folk to deal with mould and mildew at source. The internet, which has been accessible in homes since 1995,.has lots of tips and tricks which can help prevent or treat the problem. Most people know by now,.that good ventilation (opening a window) is important to allow water to evaporate outside rather than accumulate inside the home. Anti-mould paints can be used in problem areas to protect surfaces as can mould-killing sprays. Even basic household bleach (Aldi, Domestos Thick Bleach Original 750ml £1.15) can be an effective mould deterrent on nonporous surfaces, like tiles and sinks.

Jesus Christ Almighty

In common with the ancient Romans who celebrated Saturnalia – the pagan festival honouring the agricultural god Saturn – in mid-December, the workshy of Suffolk will also celebrate a Christmas with zero references to Jesus Christ, God or the Christian religion in general. Food, alcohol, TV, plastic, American romcoms, disco dancing and overpriced gaming consoles are predicted to again be the focus of Christmas celebrations among the penniless (apart from the money they have stolen) scum of Suffolk.

The Suffolk Gazette would like to wish the deserving poor of Suffolk, a very happy, wet Christmas!