Hapless Suffolk Police have launched a UK-wide investigation in an attempt to find a man… wait for it… with his own name tattooed on his forehead!

Some have likened it to searching for a haystack in a haystack.

Police Search

Keith Bond, ‘Bondy’ to his mates (that’s original) clearly thought that imprinting his own identity on his face was a smart thing to do before embarking on a life of crime – in which positive identification is the key to failure. Way to go Bondy! Perhaps he should have had ‘twat’ tattooed on his face instead?

The petty criminal is wanted in connection with having terrible taste in casual sportswear, shocking acne, and generally being a thoroughly unlikeable moronic thug.

The name’s Bond… Keith Bond

So far, the investigation, which has been ongoing for three months, has come up with few leads on the self-identifying man’s whereabouts. This does not reflect well on Suffolk Police of course, and officers are facing ridicule across social media. We spoke to Detective Sergeant Peter Graves who is leading the investigation to find out more. “Allo, allo, allo. Well then.

It his correct that we have been hinvestigatin’ this ‘ere craime for happroximately three months. Ahem. In that time we have had several sightings and have halmost happrehended the habsconder, Mr Bond. For hexample… just last week, we happrended one Mrs Bond, who turned out not to be the mother of the habsconder as we had believed, but rather, the famous BBC Royal correspondent, Jenny Bond from the telly. Ahem.

Also, we have a new lead which we hope will soon lead to an harrest. We have located a gentleman who hintelligence tells us goes by the pseudonym 007, and has been spotted in the London area wearing a white dinner jacket and carrying a Walther PPK handgun. We hadvise the public to approach this man with hextreme caution.”

If you do have any information concerning the whereabouts of the correct Mr Bond, or if you are ‘Bondy’ and are tired of waiting to be captured, please call crimestoppers on 0800 555 111