PAKEFIELD, SUFFOLK – Pakefield’s self-styled inventor, Jeffrey Schlepp, 58, has once again graced the world with his innovative brilliance. This time, Schlepp has unveiled the Cocktus, a “green-energy-powered” robot poised to challenge Tesla’s humanoid robot, Optimus. And by poised, we mean barely upright.

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Schlepp, best known for his baffling contraptions like the Aeronautical Auto-Flying Car Plane (a flying car powered by strawberry-flavored milk) and the tragically low-budget Solarcar (a 1997 Vauxhall Astra towing six rusty solar panels), has once again broken new ground—or at least stumbled across it.

The Cocktus, an apparent homage to both nature and awkwardness, combines the bottom half of a discarded shop mannequin, some well-worn trainers, and a sale-bargain cactus from Homebase. This Frankensteinian masterpiece flails across the floor with a gait reminiscent of Wallace from Wallace and Gromit in the “wrong trousers.” Its pièce de résistance? A 6-inch cactus dangling between its legs, waving limply like an underwhelming flag of eco-innovation.

Scientifically unproven

Powering the Cocktus is what Schlepp calls “nature’s fuel”—chlorophyll, painstakingly extracted from cactus spikes. “It’s green, it’s sustainable, and it’s got… a donger,” Schlepp said at the unveiling held in his garden shed.

Unlike Tesla’s sleek, AI-powered Optimus, Schlepp has a more modest market in mind: green-fingered widows. He hopes to partner with Homebase to sell the Cocktus as a “gardening aid.” Hmmm. The exact gardening applications remain unclear, but Schlepp insists it will “revolutionise how lonely people enjoy their leisure time.”

Green Energy Robot vs Tesla

Critics have called the Cocktus a “prickly embarrassment,” but Schlepp remains undeterred. “It’s not just a robot; it’s a statement,” he declared, before hastily clarifying, “A statement about green energy, recycling and lonely hearts.”

Whether the Cocktus will dethrone Tesla’s Optimus remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: regrettably, Jeffrey Schlepp’s genius knows no bounds.

Meanwhile: Transit-sexual Tesla service van spotted on A14