KNETTISHAL, SUFFOLK/NORFOLK BORDER – The quiet town of Knettishall is home to a new post-mortem service, the Self Cemetery. The new afterlife service aims to provide a place of rest for those who have found life too challenging to go on.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Whether for the aged, the ill, or merely those overwhelmed by the pressures of modern life. Self Cemetery offers what it bills as “the easy way out.”

Suicide was decriminalized in the UK in 1961, and while it remains a topic shrouded in controversy. Self Cemetery argues that it merely provides a dignified option for those who see no other escape.

The service promises that those who choose to ‘check out early’ will spend eternity in serene. Natural surroundings and far removed from the hustle and bustle of life on Earth.

Best option

The cemetery is nestled in the idyllic countryside of Knettishall, providing a tranquil final resting place for its dead customers. “Our mission is to offer a peaceful and respectful departure for those who say goodbye to our cruel world” said the cemetery’s spokesperson, Morticia Graves. “Self Cemetry is not for everyone, but for some, it may be the best and only option.”

Critic, Reverend Hope Less of the local parish remarked, “While we must respect individual choices, it’s deeply troubling to see such a service promoted. We should be offering hope and support, not a final escape. More tea?”

Self Cemetery challenges

Despite the controversy, Self Cemetery is pressing forward, promoting its service as a serene solution for life’s most insurmountable challenges. The cemetery’s marketing materials highlight the beauty of its natural surroundings, promising potential patrons an eternity of peace and quiet, far removed from daily traumas like shopping, paying bills and trying to find something new to watch on Netflix.

Meanwhile: Police find bodies in cemetery