A Snorkeler in the seaside village of Thorpeness, E.Suffolk has been fingered as the likely source of a sizeable severed cock – dubbed the ‘cocktopus’ which was found drifting in the North Sea by a stunned Cornish frogwoman.

The Health Sense Clinic* in Pilgrims Way, Thorpeness is well known for its specialism in the area of penectomy and other services of specific interest to the transexual community. Trans women (or men) a.k.a. ‘people who bleed when operated on’ can be ‘pre-op’ or ‘post-op’ which loosely translates to ‘cock-on’ or ‘cock-off.’

Snorkeler want cocks out fast

A number of controversial nob removals are known to have taken place at the clinic in recent months and this reporter has been told by an insider.

Our source revealed… “(whispering) Look, I shouldn’t really be telling you this but we have been told that, due to cost-cutting measures being brought in to increase profits for the bosses, we are to get rid of all cocks, nobs, dicks, pricks, tadgers, willies, peckers and other sorts of penes (bet you didn’t know that was the plural form) as cheap as possible.”

Looking around to make sure no-one was listening, the cockblower whistleblower went-on “Basically, the bosses want cocks out fast. The staff are up in arms, they are not happy about it, I can tell you. The proper procedures are being totally ignored. It’s mayhem.

You’ve had people stuffing cocks up their jumper sleeves and in their handbags. One fella put one in his coffee flask and a friend of mine, she’s a fat lass, smuggled three out in one go… one under each armpit and another clenched between her boobs. We couldn’t stop larfing on the way out. How she didn’t get caught?”

I luzzed it

On condition of remaining anonymous, the medical grass (who is about 5′3″ in height, wears unique pink horn-rimmed spectacles with the initials B.S. set in diamanté on the arms, and is probably the only member of staff with a club foot) admitted that it was probably she who disposed of ‘cocktopus.’ “Well I’ve got a mate who lives down on Admiral’s walk so it made sense, didn’t it?

While I was down there, I just took it out me packed lunch box and luzzed it as far as I could… which wasn’t very far. It hit the washing line in my mate’s neighbour’s garden first, so I had to go and get it, then I just started to panic a bit so I legged it down to the beach, shut me eyes and luzzed it again.

That was the last I saw of it until they put it on the news, calling it ‘cocktopus’. That doesn’t really make sense does it? Octopuses have eight arms. I would have just called it a new species of ‘blowfish’, ‘codfish’, or maybe ‘sea snake’? ”

Total bollocks

The Health Sense Clinic is currently under investigation by the General Medical Council.

* fictional clinic not to be confused with any other health clinic of a similar name.