Exclusive London departmental store, Sellfridges is going downmarket… fast.

Following in the footsteps of BP, Amazon Prime, National Rail, all the major telecommunications companies, and the Labour Party, previously unaffordable Sellfridges, has finally turned its back on its posh clientelle in favour of screwing hard-up, working people into the ground in order to make a fast buck.

Gone are the £185 food hampers, £850 Jaquemus puffy leather shoulder bags, and the £150 Fiorucci jogging bottoms, in favour of a budget range of essential white goods including: £190 Beko refrigerators, £150 nearly-new Bush washing machines, and job lot of refurbished Casdon Microwave Ovens at the knock-down price of £16.99 each. Alan Sugar must be shitting himself.

Unaffordable crap

Opened in black and white in 1909, Sellfridges, located at 400 Oxford Street, London, is regarded as the second most exclusive shopping emporium in the capital after ‘Arrods on the High St, Walthamstow, East London. Famous for its window displays, condescending cosmetics assistants, and highly effeminate men’s dept staff, the vast, unwelcoming superstore has finally decided to ‘stack ‘em high and sell ‘em cheap’, as its traditional wealthy clients realize they can’t really afford anything in there either.

We asked one Oxford St shopper if she would be more likely to shop in Sellfridges now that they stock mainly cheap, designed-to-break trash. Naomi N’Gulanga from Hackney told this reporter “Nuh (kisses teeth). Heverytime mi gwaana dat shap, dem white hussies luk at mi as eff mia ah cleaner ah summat (kisses teeth). Mi prefer tuh shop at Marsha’s ier & Beauty Salon eena Hackney, an eff mi waan tuh buy ah fridge, mi wi gwaana fucking Curry’s.”

So there we have it.