Is it just me, or do you instantly feel like you’re doing something wrong the moment you walk into a doctor’s surgery?

Health clinics and surgeries are famous for making life difficult for ill people. Simply trying to navigate their automated phone systems to make an appointment is harder than completing the SAS – Who dares wins? induction course, and if you do manage to eventually make an appointment – that’s just the start of the nightmare.

Dead on arrival

Arriving at the surgery is not dissimilar to attending a cremation. You never really know where to sit and every movement of your arm or leg. No matter how minimal, and every utterance, no matter how quietly whispered, feels like you are causing offence.

Whispering your arrival to the receptionist is, unfortunately, not an option,.interred within their soundproof glass-protected reception areas as they are. One must raise one’s voice to a low shout in order.that the entire audience waiting behind you can hear every embarrassing detail about your weeping ass grapes or imminent colostomy bag renewal.

The environment is awkward, oppressive, and unwelcoming – just the way big brother likes it. As you sit there pondering your mortality, ruminating on how many more world cups you are likely to witness, time begins to slow down. The idea of flicking through one of the Covid-drenched magazines spread over the hygienically-dubious coffee table only serves to depress one further. I mean, who is it that visits a parochial doctor’s surgery at 2pm on a Thursday afternoon who can actually afford a TAG Heuer luxury timepiece, or look forward to watching polo with the great and the good as promoted in what’s left of last Februaries ‘Hello’ magazine?

There’s only one thing for it. Get your phone out. Everyone else has. At least that is, everyone who, despite arriving after you, hasn’t already been called in to see the doctor. The best thing about the surgery, apart from you probably being the youngest person in there, is the free Wi-Fi for patients and visitors. We know it’s free because the sign on the wall says so. But. Hang on a minute… what’s that other sign next to it?

‘Please refrain from using mobile phones in the clinic’?

Aaaaargh!!! Somebody get me a doctor!!