The Suffolk Gazette has been leaked a copy of Donald Trump’s Christmas list to Santa, which reveals the ten items the outgoing President wants this festive season.

He scribbled the list on a piece of paper and put it up the chimney in the Oval Office fireplace, but security personnel found it and removed it. We cannot say how it got into our hands.

Here is Mr Trump’s list in full.

1. Dignity Harness (extra large)

The ideal accessory to prevent you from losing your dignity. This item should be worn at all times, or you might end up doing or saying something that makes you look a complete idiot.

2. Abacus

This basic but useful desktop item will help you make sense of numbers. Let’s say, for example, that you cannot get to grips with the votes cast in a particular state. Pennsylvania, maybe. An abacus will help even a half-wit understand that when you add together the number of pieces of paper in a big pile, it usually comes to a larger number than those in a small pile.

3. A good divorce lawyer

We’re not sure why Mr Trump suddenly feels the need for a good divorce lawyer for Christmas. But anyway, we’re sure someone will present him with one. Maybe not Melania, however.

4. 2020 Review Mug

Despite claiming publicly that the US economy is booming, that the “China virus” is finished, and that the US is riding a huge “red wave”, Mr Trump wants one of these 2020 review mugs for his desk at the Oval office. Presumably where Mr Biden will be able to enjoy it soon.

5. Golf balls

Just in case he soon gets more time on his hands to play his favourite game, Mr Trump has added golf balls to his Christmas list. He tends to lose them (a bit like his dignity and the popular vote).

6. A crate of bleach

Even though he has already had COVID-19, Mr Trump wants to keep drinking bleach every night to stop it from coming back again.

7. New contacts book

Unfortunately, all the numbers in his current contacts book are suddenly becoming unavilable or going unanswered. A new contacts book is needed.

8. How to Speak North Korean book

He does have one new friend, a Mr Kim Jong-un. Mr Trump is eying up hotel and casino deals in North Korea. He just needs to speak the language and the deals are as good as done.

9. Box of Lego

Mr Trump loves to build things. Unfortunately, he never got round to building his Mexican wall, so he has asked for some Lego so he can piece together his own wall whenever he likes.

10. Jar of covfefe

He was perplexed that no-one else seems to have heard of covfefe, which he famously Tweeted about in 2017. Mr Trump has now added it to his Christmas list in the hope that Santa knows what he’s on about.

Now you can buy your own Christmas gifts

Buy your own splendid Christmas gifts thanks to the Suffolk Gazette’s partner, Dirty Old Goat mugs. Visit the buy mugs online website or buy direct below…