The rebellious pigs of East Suffolk finally understood what it was to be human, and decided that it was probably better to go back to being pigs after all. Which is exactly what they did.

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Regular readers of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE will recall how a band of Marxist pigs from Suffolk rebelled against the natural order of things to live like humans.

Led by self-proclaimed connoisseur of human culture, alpha pig, Sir Oinkington III, droves of swine took to the streets to proclaim their independence from the other, less enlightened farm beasts.

In their bid to be more human, they danced, sang, recited poetry, and made friends with the locals. At first, they impressed everyone with their wit, intellect, and charm. But then, predictably, reality struck.

The grass is always greener

Having been pigs for generations, the rebellious Suffolk swine had every reason to want to better themselves.

Who would choose to live in their own excrement and eat leftover scraps of rotten food while waiting to be murdered, butchered and fed to another species? It’s hardly a surprise that the alternative of living like humans seemed so appealing. What they failed to realize, however, is that life, for many humans, is… well… shit.

The sun always shines on TV

Believing that a new life as a human would bring nothing but tea, crumpets, ice skating, and endless foreign holidays, the misguided Marxist pigs assimilated into human society with ease.

It was only when news of things called ‘landlords’ visiting unsuspecting pigs living in rented accommodation and asking for something called ‘money’ spread amongst the swine community that reality began to rear its ugly head.

As pig after sow was evicted, and forced into destitution, so more oinkers realised that being human wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Things like jobs, groceries, utility bills, clothes, fag money, mobile phone bills, and Netflix direct debits were not known to the farm beasts.

How was a dumb pig supposed to gain employment and pay for such things? The harsh but simple answer was… they weren’t. They were pigs. Marxist pigs, yes. But pigs nonetheless.

Their sole purpose was to be raised as food for humans. Worse still, no one gave a shit about their political views. They were essentially slaves to the system into which they were born.