A big fat, well lubricated with juices dripping down her thighs rare turkey will be hitting shelves this christmas.

Don’t you just love a Christmas turkey? A nice big fat one? Don’t you just wanna take a big bite and lick up the warm juice with your salivating tongue as it squirts out the side of your mouth? Mmmmmm. Of course you do!

Well, you can’t ignore this rare Turkey

Because this year, there is no such thing as a fresh turkey. All the birds you’ll find in the supermarkets or even your local butcher’s shop will be pre-frozen, yet still sold as fresh.

Yes. It’s true. Due to shortages of Christmas Turkeys following the outbreak of avian flu, and in a grotesque display of unconscionable knavery, supermarkets have been given permission to advertise and sell frozen turkeys as fresh. Bah Humbug!

Turkey’s off

Last week, fowl industry leaders revealed that over 1 billion free-range rare turkeys due to be sold for Christmas have either died, are in animal hospital or have committed suicide as a result of the untimely outbreaks.

However, because this naturally occurring act of God (avian flu, not Christmas) doesn’t suit the multinationals flogging us the dead meat, they, in cahoots with the DEFRA (The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs) have agreed that they can just re-write the definition of the word ‘fresh’ to mean ‘frozen’ so as not to sustain enormous cash losses this yuletide. You couldn’t make it up. And yet it was made up…

Turkey crime, 1984

Retro-futuristic author and visionary, George Orwell predicted this precise likelihood in his classic 1949 dystopian novel ‘1984’. Referring to the concept of ‘Doublespeak’ – an authoritarian language of his own creation that deliberately obscures, disguises, distorts, or reverses the meaning of words – he insightfully asserts…

“War is peace.

Freedom is slavery.

Frozen is fresh

Ignorance is strength.”

Or something like that?

Happy frozen, dystopian Christmas, folks!