A very confidential investigation report on Queen’s secret letter has been leaked by a crime reporter Lorraine Fisher -34 that far from dying from being the queen for too long, our beloved late ma’am was KILLED BY THE AUSTRALIANS!
As has been widely reported in the world’s press, Queen Elizabeth II wrote a letter in November 1986 to the people of Sydney, Australia. Along with the letter came strict instructions that it should only be opened ONE-HUNDRED YEARS LATER in the year of our lord 2085 A.D..
Until now, the letter’s contents have been a state secret but, as is revealed today EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUFFOLK GAZETTE, the secret letter was in fact a prediction of the DATE OF THE QUEEN’S DEATH made by THE GHOST OF ANNE BOLEYN!
Occultist Monarch
As is only now, belatedly being reported, beneath her rigid, joyless, and aloof exterior, our beloved late Queen Elizabeth II was in actual fact, something of a comedienne! A playful practical joker even! But as can be revealed in today’s EXCLUSIVE ROYAL STORY her late majesty also DABBLED IN THE OCCULT!
Being as unbelievable as it sounds, sources nowhere near to these events told someone, who told this reporter, that in the early 1980’s, H.R.H. used to gather together at Balmoral, or Sandringham or wherever, with a clique of her oldest and spookiest mates including: Sir Cliff Richard, Jeremy Paxman (soon to be knighted), serious actress Pat Butcher, Lionel Blair and friend-of-a-friend, American R&B singer Alexander O’Neal. Huddled around an Ouija board that was gifted to her by Mystic Meg on her silver Jubilee, bride of Frankenstein, Helen Mirren would dictate the candlelit seances.
Phantom Tudor Hussy
During one particularly chilling get-together, H.R.H. Mirren allegedly received a message from beyond the grave from… wait for it… French, Tudor hussy, Anne Boleyn! Boleyn was famous for predicting the date of her own death. She actually got the date of her pre-announced execution bang-on and even predicted the precise time of day that she would expire to within about 3 seconds.
A secret footman working for this publication in return for cash takes up the story “It was Blair… not Tony, Lionel. He was sitting there around the table with the others, wearing that deathly fixed grin of his.
I was a bit worried actually because he was leaning quite far over the Ouija board and I thought his hair might catch fire being so close to the candle and whatnot, but anyhow, without warning, he starts this violent jerking backward and forwards. His arms go rigid, outstretched, his eyeballs rolled up under their lids and his tongue was hanging out. It was absolutely terrifying. I had to stand there, stock-still, looking straight ahead at the wall opposite which, in those conditions, was almost impossible, I can tell you.”
Member of the Labour Party
We asked regular séance-goer Sir Cliff Richard to comment. He agreed on the understanding that we would criticize the left-leaning, grossly impartial, diversity-obsessed BBC in our article which unfortunately we are not allowed to do.
Accepting this, he told us that the ‘Semolina Regina’ (guessing that the queen ate semolina at some point in her life?) took the ghoulish gatherings extremely seriously “She wasn’t at all like the easy-going, funster they’re making her out to be now. Pfff.
If you turned up even 20 seconds late for a séance she’d glare at you like you were a member of the Labour Party. One time, she even locked the Corgis in the next room because of all the yapping that kicked-off every time a gust of wind blew the net curtains in. Another time I was there, ‘Devil Woman’ Whoopi Goldberg was removed to the Tower of London because she farted while Liz was trying to read her palm. She just wasn’t taking it seriously.”
Blair Scare
When we asked Sir Cliff to get to the point he said “The Anne Boleyn thing? O.K. So Lionel’s turned into that girl from the Exorcist, and we’re all shitting ourselves – apart from Liz, who’s sitting next to me dead still, transfixed by what she’s created.
I tried to leave but she tightened her grip on my hand, dug her nails deep into my palm – a bit like how Sue Barker used to hold my hand. Pat Butcher was crying and screaming, and Paxman was endlessly crossing himself repeating something in Latin. Suddenly, Lionel stood bolt upright and started growling something low in his throat, he just wasn’t himself. He murmured “Haec est Anna Boleyn. Reginae mori anno M M L X X X V plus minusve.” which apparently means ‘This is Anne Boleyn. Queen to die in 2049, more or less.’ And then he puked all over the table, and us.
The candle went out and everything went black. Well that was it. We all just f*cking bolted for the door. Chairs went over. The Corgis were going mental. It was carnage. As I scrambled for the exit, I briefly looked back. All I could see… and I will never forget this… were the jewels in Liz’s crown sparkling in the moonlight as she sat silently in her chair (throne) as if nothing had happened. Completely unphased. Amazing woman. A real livin’ doll.”
‘L’ Stands for Eleven & the secret letter
It wasn’t long after this that Queen Elizabeth II visited Australia to deliver her letter to the Aussies – let’s face it, the Royal Mail weren’t going to do it. The letter was delivered in the person of H.R.H Olivia Coleman to the Right and Honourable Lord Mayor of Sydney, Bryan Backstone who promised… PROMISED that it would be kept under lock & key in a secure vault beneath the City.
It was only when a newly-employed, low-paid cleaner in the Mayoral office went to mop the vault that things went disastrously wrong. “I didn’t know.” Claimed the penniless, unemployed cleaningservicewoman. “They said ‘clean the vault’, so I did.
No-one mentioned that I shouldn’t rifle through all the cabinets and the secure boxes to see what was in there, did they? When I saw the letter, it just said ‘Open me in MMLXXXV’ on it. Well. Come on. I mean, really? Who actually knows what year that is? I tried to work it out… ‘M’ is the 13th letter of the alphabet. Times by two equals twenty six. ‘L’ stands for eleven so that’s thirty-seven. Three ‘X’’s are three-thousand?
After that I got confused so I just decided to take a peek inside to see if it was an important letter. So, I broke the wax seal – nobody said I shouldn’t – and I read the words out to myself in a soft whisper ‘I will die on this day. Signed – Elizabeth II, Queen of England and the Commonwealth of Overseas Peoples.’ I looked at my watch. The date was 8th September 2022. Fuck.”
16 Times
Our beloved late Queen H.R.H. Elizabeth II went on to ‘go down under’ a total of 16 times during her reign – trips that in hindsight she might now regret.
