One saucy Suffolk swinger has decided to add some spice to this year’s celebrations with new kind of Halloween Pumpkins.

Sheila O’Flaherty (originally from Donegal) of Kedington in west Suffolk, has produced her own ‘pump-me’ pumpkins. Which she has started selling on her etsy web page and through local shops and garden centres.

31 October will see the return of that pointless American Festival known as ‘Halloween’. The fun and annoying day where adults are forced to waste money. They don’t have to on cheap plastic masks, articulated skeletons, vampire bats, and unrelated unicorns.

Halloween is where parents encourage their children to roam the streets late at night. Knocking for random adults in the hope of receiving bags of sweets (this is basically illegal during the day).

Where misshapen pumpkins are torn to shreds in messy kitchens and their nutritious innards thrown straight into the bin. Where apple-bobbing (too onerous to set-up), divination games (what are they?) Visiting haunted attractions (where?), and telling scary stories (no-one knows any) no longer take place.

Give me special Halloween Pumpkins

But what’s in it for the adults? Traditionally, Halloween is a time when parents are expected to just give, give, give. Decorating the house, helping carve the Halloween pumpkins, providing free sweets for strangers etc. The list is endless. But not this year!

The reusable pornographic products which feature sculpted ladies’ bits and a hand-chiselled anus are being marketed by O’Flaherty. As being for ‘fruity Halloween Pumpkins’ and retail for £14.99.

“For us adults, Halloween can be a bit of a drag. Boooring loike. And carving your own pumpkin is a frikkin’ noightmare.” Said Sheila, as she pulled her finger out of a pumpkin’s anus and licked the fleshy residue off of her finger. “Oi tink these ‘pump-me-pumpkins’ aaar oideal for fellas and lezzers who want to have a bit’o’fun aaaarfter daaaaark, snigger!”

Okaaaaaay.

Ancient Origins of Halloween

The origins of Halloween are not entirely certain, but Celts believed that on the night before the new year. The boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred and ghosts returned to Earth to haunt the living.

Christians practice the religious observances of All Hallows’ Eve. Including attending church services and lighting candles on the graves of the dead.

The rest of us can just f*ck a pumpkin.