When you’ve been all-out deadheading the daffs, putting your tea bags on the compost, and playing with your dibber, there’s nothing like a hearty meal to perk you up.

I like to get my teeth into a large Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle, washed down with a mini-keg of Adnams Ghost Ship.

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If you feel naughty eating what they call “junk food”, here’s a little potting tip to assuage your guilt.

Simply rinse out the noodle tub and poke some holes in the bottom with a kebab skewer or your Black and Decker drill.

Drop a few pebbles in the pot to aid drainage, and top with a few handfuls of compost. Pop in a few lettuce seeds (I used the variety Lactuca Gwynethum-Paltrowensis) and put the pot on a sunny windowsill.

Lettuce pray: God’s gift of homemade salad

Soon you will have a robust round lettuce like mine above which you can give to someone in the family who actually likes salad, or just pass it on to someone you don’t like.

Readers often ask me which compost I use In My Lady Garden. I like the one made by that chap from the old TV series Are You Being Served?, who had the catchphrase “I’m Free!”.

I think you will also like his John Inman’s Compost as it is works exceptionally well in getting little specimens to rise.

John Inman’s compost measures up

In my vegetable plot the Black Tuscan Kale is still going strong, as yours probably is. But don’t worry. We can soon deal with that.

Trim off the insect-holed outer leaves down to the rib with your secateurs.

Throw them on the compost heap. The leaves that is, not the secateurs.

Then take all the inner leaves and throw them on the heap, too. That gets rid of the lot in one fell swoop.

Or you could sell the whole plant to a passing hipster for £19.50. They like to shove them in their NutriBullets with that garish green algae, Spirulina, to make a sludgy smoothie to dribble down their beards.

It tastes like shite, of course, but helps them to glow in the dark when they are all la-la weird-dancing out of their heads at music and poetry festivals.

Plums

With the weather changing from day-to-day, don’t forget to protect your fruit blossoms. There’s nothing worse than getting frostbite on your plums. Just pull an old jumper over them and hope for the best.

Don’t be tempted to put your tender plants out yet. I will tell you when it’s safe for us to get down to a nice spot of bedding together.

I have trimmed back my Brucius Forsythia which has been looking rather feeble of late and hope I will get another lease of life out of it.

Now for the answers to your many questions.

* Mr S Y from Cratfield: I really do think you’ll be wasting your money on that trendy hammock if you don’t have two trees.

* Mrs S B from Combs: That mossy mound of yours definitely needs some attention. I would give it a good dressing of Veet or Immac.

* Mr C K from Stowupland: Yes, I must say, your rear entrance does look rather bare. Have you tried putting a cactus in it?

Have a good week!

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