Smug panic buyers have become disappointed to find they do not need any of their 35 toilet rolls because they have become bunged up from eating their hoard of pasta.

They are, however, suffering from stomach cramps and unable to move, bloating up to the size of a hot air balloon.

Retail analyst Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It serves the idiots right.”

The good news for rational, fair-minded people is that the constipated, selfish panic buyers are no longer able to get off their fat @rses and buy-up more essential produce for themselves.

Ms Fisher added: “It means as the supply chain gets to grips with the crisis and restocks shelves with loo roll, there will be plenty to go around for normal people.

“Meanwhile, the idiotic few now suffering from pasta-related constipation will explode in a tsunami of shite within days.

“Then they will use up their entire cupboard of loo roll to clean up.

“Sadly, when they feel up to heading back to the shops, the rest of us will have bought the available loo roll.

“Shame really.”