New Suffolk-based GreenGrocers is cashing in on man’s inability to stop thinking about sex and food with its new range of naughtily-labeled fruit-based goods.

Melons, plums, peaches, and bananas. All of them have played their part in the ‘love industry’. Since under-endowed cavemen and cave-lezzers first discovered ‘yellow tree dicks’ hanging from yellow dick trees in 0 BC (Before Cucumbers).

Ex-Anne Summers shop manageress, Lorraine Fisher – 34 told this publication: ”I know from working in the love industry for over 15 years that what most people are thinking about when they are doing their weekly shop. Specially men, gays, and lezzers – is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. So, Pornofruit is here to give them what they really, really want.” 

String bra bags

Asked to describe some of the fruity fruit seller’s fruity fruit products, fruity Feelgood reeled off a list: “Our best seller is the classic banana which has transitioned into a ‘yellow tree dick’. Straight, bent, it makes no difference to us.

We are an AC/DC outlet. Then there are the melons – ‘Suck-tatas’ – which come in all sizes. We find that most of our male customers prefer the big, firm ones. We also sell branded brasiers which are handy for taking a couple home in. Being against food waste, our strawberries, ‘trans-glans’, also come in various shapes and sizes. We do not discriminate against mishappen examples. You should have seen my ex-husband’s!”

GreenGrocers employee testimony

Taking off her blouse as she warmed to her subject, the flaunty greengrocers manageress explained how:

“In our flagship Saxmundham store, we always have a few specimen products available for customers to feel, touch, massage, or caress. Just to get them in the mood. We’ve learned that this increases sales by around 69%.”

Greengrocers Pornofruit is planning to expand its range later in the year to include vegetables. Its first non-fruit product will be the food-filth classic – the cucumber. Asked what name the sexy salad ingredient will be given, luscious Lolita replied. “The new range is still in the development stage, but we are thinking of going with, ‘big, fat green fruits’.”