STANNINGFIELD, SUFFOLK, UK – A desperate Suffolk man has taken it upon himself to tackle a controversial neighbourhood issue: dog muck.

Dandelion Yellow

Armed with a can of yellow spray paint and an inexplicable zeal for aesthetic self-harm. Roger Puldike, 56, a retired something-or-other from the sleepy Suffolk village of Stanningfield. He decided to take matters into his own hands.

His chosen method of communication? A not-so-subtle message scrawled across the pavement that read, “Stop letting your dog shit here, you bastard.”

Filthy muck

Upon completion, the ‘mucky message’ proved to be an eyesore of its own making. Eclipsing even the occasional doggy doo-doo that had previously blighted the pavement. Neighbours were left in a to-do, struggling to decide which was the greater evil. The original poopy problem or its ludicrous, luminous solution.

Toffee Finger

The identity of the canine culprit is not known, but after examining some dog excrement close-up. I determined that due to the whiff of haddock, cheese & marrowbone, it was likely to be an Alsatian or one of those Dulux dogs (whatever they are called?)

In the end, this baffling episode serves as a cautionary tale of the perils of DIY activism. Sometimes, even the best intentions can be overshadowed by a spectacular lack of common sense. So, to our well-intentioned, but artless, pavement Picasso, we offer a heartfelt suggestion… stop talking shit.