We’ve all done it. You see a fitty on the London tube, and you think to yourself ‘she’s nice. I’m perfect for her.’, so you stand up and whip it out to impress her.

That’s what happened when Elvin Carmichael headed into London tube on a sightseeing trip from his hometown of Nayland in Suffolk. Carmichael (26), a budding comedian of no fixed address, was on the central line near Stratford when a beautiful, young professional boarded the train and sat down beside him.

After staring at her reflection in the opposite window and taking a few selfies of the two of them together, the day-tripper began to repeatedly peer out of the corner of his eyes at the attractive young lady, who sitting, obliviously staring at her phone beside him. When these dating formalities were over, Carmichael, who has a history of mental illness, decided to take their romance to the next level.

Hand down trousers

An anonymous commuter who witnessed the events told this reporter “You instantly know when a nutter has boarded the London Tube because you can see them looking up and down the carriage, scanning for a victim.

After he sat down, I could see him mouthing some shit to himself – another surefire sign of lunacy. Anyway, after the unsuspecting woman sat down beside him, I watched to see what happened next. My hands began to clam up and I thought ‘here we go’. After he had taken the photos and done the eyes thing a few times, he started the mouthing again, practicing whatever crazy idea he had in his head. And then he did it.”

Did what?

“I was about to tell you. He stood up and faced the lady. She looked up from her phone. His back was to me now but I saw him put his hand down his trousers and reach for something. He began to slowly pull whatever it was up and out over his waistband. It turned out to be a large carton of full-fat milk. A few of the passengers began to take notice, but the girl, who was wearing ear pods, sat quite unmoved.”

Then what?

“Give me a chance, I was about to tell you. Then he reached down the back of his trousers and pulled out two paper straws, already out of their wrappers. They must have been lodged in his ass crack to have been so immediately accessible. He sat down again, this time facing the woman, and started to mouth some crazy shit.”

What did he say?

“I don’t know. I was wearing ear pods also, but he had taken the lid off the milk and put the straws in so it was probably a bonkers chat-up line. He kept puckering and making sucking motions with his lips. He was gesturing for the girl to drink the milk through the other straw as he sucked through his.”

Good grief. Then what happened?

“Don’t ask me. We got to Bethnal Green, which is my stop, so I got off.”

Ffs.