You can drink booze, play fruit machines and pick a new ‘future ex’. – At ‘Gluttons’ singles bar in Halesworth, Suffolk.

Don’t you just love an ex-wife? Ready to upgrade from your current one? Well, thanks to a new dating craze sweeping East Anglia.

All men over 16 know that no matter how you try to stay in love with your current wife, girlfriend, lover, or partner. After a few short days the flames of passion begin to die out. It terribly, terribly sad, but there’s nothing we can do about it. God invented romance that way.

Negative Cinderella

Once the thrill of the chase is over, men understand that the fascinating, enigmatic, and sexy woman. Who was ‘the only one for you’ just a few short hours ago, will soon transform (like a reverse Cinderella) into a plain, sexless and disinterested nag. Don’t blame yourselves, men, it’s just the way women are. It’s not you, it’s them. Fact.

Having accepted that short-term relationships are just the way Charles Darwin wanted it, men can now, at last, be themselves. With no shame attached. They can enjoy being who they are, comfortable in the knowledge that changing wives on a regular basis is just a normal part of their development. That male swans who stay with their lifelong partners are doing it wrong, and that, as Adolf Hitler believed, ‘conscience doesn’t exist.’

Halesworth Gluttons

So come on men, get yourselves down to Gluttons in Halesworth where manager Steve Henderson has a pint and a packet of fags waiting for you. This reporter asked Steve what was so special about singles nights at Gluttons? “Nuffing. It’s just the same as every uvver pub.”

But… we thought… “Nah. This sort ov fing goes on in pubs awl owver the place, mate. Geezers leave their wives at ‘ome, come dan ‘ere, and cop off wiv a new fyucha wife. It’s awl the rage.”

Blimey!

Okay. Er… a pint of Carlsberg and a packet of Scampi Fries then, please Steve!

“Cummin’ up.”