Tourists from London can only visit Suffolk for twelve hours max.

Londoners… fancy a day out with the family (or mistress, if you’re married) in sunny Suffolk? How about a lovely afternoon flying a kite with the kids in an idyllic rural setting, such as a field or a reedy river bank? Sounds delightful doesn’t it?

Well, forget it. You’re not welcome.

That’s right, the inhospitable people of Suffolk have voted to exclude.all Londoners from visiting Suffolk unless they agree to ‘piss off back to London’ within twelve hours of their arrival.

Eurovision wrong contest

The referendum – on excluding the more intelligent, fashionable,.and better-groomed tourists from the big smoke.– took place in over four-hundred pubs across the county on the same night.as the Eurovision Song Contest which, along with the referendum broadcast hosted by the handsome.and intellectual TV current affairs supremo, Jeremy Paxman, was simultaneously being streamed into pubs.

Witnesses who attended the ‘Keep Civilized People Out’ referendum,.say there was some early confusion about whether the votes being counted by the pub staff were for the referendum or the song contest, but voters were later reassured by a tweet from Jeremy Paxman that the votes were indeed for the referendum.

A summary of the referendum result, based on the question “Which race of civilized people do you want to allow into Suffolk” is as follows…

1          Sweden ‘Tattoo’ by Loreen (583 points)

…       

25        United Kingdom: ‘I Wrote A Song’  Mae Muller (24 points)

26        Germany: ‘Blood & Glitter’ Lord Of The Lost (18 points)

After the results from all four-hundred-odd pubs were compiled,.the UK was running second to last, one point ahead of Germany. However, because we’re not allowed to say anything bad about the Germans anymore, they were removed from the results board entirely, leaving the UK as the most hated race of people across Suffolk, and continental Europe in general. In the context of the referendum question, which cited ‘civilized people’, the UK was taken to mean ‘people from London’.

As the result of the referendum was announced across Suffolk, cheers could be heard up and down the county, as gangs of Suffolk nationalists were seen burning effigies of the Mayor of London, black taxi drivers, red buses, and the ULEZ.

Eurovision wrong contest contested

It was only later, after a statement was released by one of Jeremy Paxman’s doctors,.that it became clear that the referendum result was being contested. According to Dr James Kildare, Paxman’s earlier tweet, which confirmed the validity of the vote,.was incorrect, and was made during a particularly violent Parkinson’s-induced hand tremor which caused him to type ‘Referendum’ instead of ‘Eurovision’. A subsequent recount of the votes concluded that the people voters actually wanted to be excluded from Suffolk were people from neighbouring Norfolk.

London tourists are not welcome

The twelve-hour limit on London tourists’ visits begins at midnight on Thursday.