London has been named the best city in the world… but for what? The Suffolk Gazette investigates.

Crime

According to CrimeRate Analytics, the overall crime rate in the City of London in 2021 was 665 crimes per 1,000 people. Wow, that’s the first factor that makes London the best city in the World. The overall crime rate for the capital is 87 per 1,000 residents – the worst in the UK. In the City of London, violence and sexual offences are the most common, as well as, dressing up like a pearly king and queen, and the ‘black taxi fare’ extortion racket. 

Litter

Anyone who walks down a London street can’t help but get their legs tangled up in a discarded carrier bag or get some mushed pomegranate on their trainers. With bin men seemingly on strike three weeks out of every month (or is that how infrequently they usually work?), and more food and trash being dumped by more and more inhabitants of the overcrowded city, is it any wonder that the capital looks like a scene from ‘I am Legend’ and smells like the inside of an overcooked Brussels sprout. Rats and foxes rule the streets, and fly-tipping is the new national sport. In some London boroughs, councillors decided to remove some bins in a bid to discourage fly-tipping… so the culprits just dumped their crap on the floor instead. Genius!

Homelessness

Coming to London as a tourist? Can’t afford a luxurious hotel room? Why not sleep rough in the doorway of Boots on the beautiful Strand – gateway to theatreland? If you did, you wouldn’t be the only one. During the summer months of 2022, 5,712 people slept rough in London, 21% higher than during the same period in 2021. According to the homeless charity, Shelter, 1 in 53 people in the capital is homeless, and an estimated 714 people sleep rough on the streets on any given night.

Traffic

London’s roads are the most f*cked-up in the world, according to a report by traffic experts, Inrix. What a surprise. Pissed-off motorists in the capital spent an average of 156 hours sitting, fuming in traffic in 2022. The report, which compares 1,000 cities across 50 countries, on 10 different planets, found that over 120 people had considered killing themselves, their partners, their children, or other motorists while stuck listening to Radio 2 in London traffic.

So there it is. Confirmed. London IS the greatest city in the world… at being shit.