LGBTQ+ football fans are justifiably feeling excluded from the 2022 Qatar World Cup because of the Muslim Country’s hostile treatment towards same-sex couples.

Gay, lezzer, and all the other exotic sexual preferences are banned in the ‘somewhere-in-the-middle-eastern’ country, preventing followers from enjoying not only sporting tournaments, but also: the Eurovision song contest, BBC re-runs of ‘Are you being served?’, Village People tribute acts and documentaries about Martina Navratilova.

Qatar World Cup: Discrimi-nation

But LGBTQ-plussers shouldn’t feel alone. Why? Because everyone else in the world has been excluded too! Qatar WC ’22 is the most inaccessible world cup ever staged. For a kick-off, no one knows where Qatar is, let alone how to get there. If it could be found on a map, it is rumoured to be one of the most expensive regions in the Middle East for a tourist to visit. The cost of beer, wine, and spirits in Catarrh is super inflated with a pint of draft beer costing about £12, and an off-license bottle of wine around £30 – and you have to get pissed when you watch football.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun… before Qatar WC ‘22

Then there is the choice of season. It’s winter FFS. World cups are supposed to be held in summer so that the picture on the telly is fuzzy due to the heat rising up from the cauldron atmosphere of the arena. And English football fans back in England like to go to the pub wearing singlets, shorts, and sandals. Not anoraks, balaclavas and Wellington boots. And who agreed for England matches to take place on a Monday at 1pm? 1pm? On a Monday? Do people in Catarrh not have jobs? Lunch breaks in England end at 1pm – FFS.

We all stand together

So there we have it. Welcome to Qatar World Cup 2022, slogan “Now is All” which apparently stands for “When you live your dream, realise your destiny – and own the moment.” What bollocks. No-one in the UK, whether gay, straight, or employed is living a dream, realising their destiny, nor owning the moment. And considering no one is able to affordably visit the place, a more fitting slogan would be…

“Qatar World Cup 2022. Your name’s not down. You’re not coming in.”