Seagulls based in Lowestoft, Suffolk formed a guard of honour yesterday for one of their own ‘Seagull 73‘.

In scenes that would look more at home at a Royal Wedding, a solemn parade of fellow gulls, stood in honour atop the solid sea-wall railings in a show of strength and respect for ‘Seagull 73’.

Seagull 73, Lowestoft Squadron

They are the most notorious gull in the area… a legend among the local seaside birdlife. ‘73’ as he is known to his gullfriends and local bird watchers, is believed to be twenty years old – aged by gull standards – but is still the toughest, wisest bird in the skies over The Wash.

The legend began when ‘73’ was just a chick. The story goes that his mother gull who was flightless due to an injury to her wing was cornered by an Alsatian dog on a beach near Ness Point. ‘73’, deliberately tumbled out of his cliff-top nest, landed on the ferocious dog’s head, and pecked out both his eyes, saving his mother in the process.

Over the years, ‘73’ has fought off many other dogs, rats, and small children with catapults. He has been hit by cars three times, and run over by the seafront mini-train and still lived to squark the tale.

Mildred admitted to hospital

But it is ‘73’s heroics as a master scavenger that has earned him his position of king of seagulls. According to local twitcher, Bryan Turnipseed, ‘73’ has pulled off some near-miraculous food-theft manoeuvres over the years. “I recall the time, snort, I have to laugh! It was 1992.

I know that because Mildred had gone into hospital that summer for her hip replacement. She couldn’t come to the beach so I would come down on my own… regularly. Anyhow, I had my binos out and I saw him descending out of the sun, apace. It was a sight to behold. He was like a Stuka dive bomber (excuse my German), glorious! I followed him through the binos. The tension was mounting and I was pressing them so hard into my eye sockets it started to bleed, but I didn’t care. I knew something special was about to happen.”

Turnipseed wiped his brow with a Puffin-embroidered handkerchief as he recalled ‘73’s greatest moment. “And boy was I right. I quickly removed my eyes from the bino’s blood-soaked adjustable eye cups to see where he was headed.

I searched around quickly and, predicting his trajectory, my eyes settled on a big fat woman on the promenade. She was like one of those women from a smutty seaside postcard. Her bits were wobbling everywhere as she sauntered along in her flip-flops carrying two 99’s – one in each hand.

She was wearing a straw sun hat and a red polka-dot bikini that was busting at the seams. I couldn’t even see the bottoms as they were wedged so far up her arse. Anyway, I wouldn’t believe what happened next if I hadn’t seen it with my own bleeding eyes…”

Please, just get to the f*cking point…

“Ok, so ‘73’ is almost upon her as I quickly returned the binos to my eyes…”

The point!

“Yes. So I quickly find ‘73’ in my sights and what he does astounds me. He is inches away from the woman’s rear when he spreads his impressive wings wide and rigid, slowing him down to a virtual stop. He lands deftly on her shoulders and then leans right back like a flipping Romanian gymnast and undoes her bikini top by pulling on the cord with one swipe of his bill. This, of course, makes the bikini top drop to the floor, revealing the fat lass’s massive boobs. She screams out and reaches to cover them, dropping the two ice creams in the process. Insane. I think the ice creams are about to hit the floor when ‘73’ swoops up from in-between her legs, grabs one in each talon, and hits the afterburners, accelerating upwards in a near-vertical ascent. My god, it was just beautiful!”

‘Seagull 73’ can still be seen regularly showing the young gulls how it’s done at Lowestoft and the surrounding areas. We salute you Seagull 73… eyes right!