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Disturbed nipple-fetishist terrorised bookmakers

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Disturbed nipple-fetishist terrorised bookmakers
Disturbed nipple-fetishist terrorised bookmakers
The Courier – Sign Board

A Scottish nutjob-turned-nipple-rubbing-pervert has been remanded in custody after terrorizing staff at a Scottish betting shop.

Ross McGavin, 41, from Forfar (or East Fife), flicked and fumbled his nipples, and made other inappropriate and unfavourable gestures while loitering outside the shop in Castle Street Forfar  (or East Fife).

A jury was told how McGavin, of no fixed mental state, made a female member of staff feel uncomfortable and uneasy, and a little bit queezy.

Complete tit

The Sheriff of Forfar (or East Fife), summed-up the case against McGavin adding. that there was a “significant sexual element” to the offences,.especially the bit where he grabbed his crotch and started yelling the Ladbrokes strapline.‘We Play Together’ at the top of his voice while pushing his face up against the shop window, squashing his nose and smearing the glass with snot.

McGavin who is a convicted moron and named on the sex offenders register for previous crimes against decency,.began his campaign of terror by picking up cigarette butts off the pavement and sticking them up his nostrils. His offensive antics continued over subsequent days until he was finally arrested by PC Hamish Macbeth who was on a break from filming in the area.

Lost his mammary

The shaven-headed imbecile was heard to shout “I dinnae gie a bugger. Ah dinnae mind a thing. Listen tae me… Albion Rovers tae draw wi’ Forfar Athletic or East Fife fc 7-7, 33 tae 1, ye bastards!” as he was taken down to the cells.Fancy a city break in Forfar or East Fife? Visit Scotland for dirt-cheap away-day deals in the armpit of civilization!

New ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie teaser released

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New ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie teaser released
New ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie teaser released
New ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie teaser released

The next instalment of the POTA franchise ‘Planet of the Apes – Put the kettle on,.eh Mum?’ is set for release in UK cinemas in April (if any still exist by then).

The long-awaited follow-up to 2017’s ‘War for the Planet of the Apes’.– in which the protagonist, evolved chimpanzee, Caesar meets his end.– features ape actor, ‘Monkey’, best known as the face of PG Tips Tea.

Cornelius Tea Leaves

The SUFFOLK GAZETTE’s Hollywood correspondent spoke to a studio insider to find out more about the plot. Here’s what she uncovered… In the movie, Monkey (who plays himself) becomes the new leader of the apes after Caesar’s son and heir,. Cornelius decides to abdicate from the role, and move to LA with his actress girlfriend. Newly crowned Monkey, quickly makes enemies among the warriors of the clan,.many of them still loyal to Cornelius, who believe Monkey is too cowardly and tea-obsessed to lead them.

Out of his tree

In one scene, Maurice, Caesar’s oldest and closest confidant, is shown rolling his eyes as Monkey insists that his morning tea be made with three stirs clockwise, two stirs back, and flavoured with precisely one and three-quarters sugars. When one of his ape minions puts milk in his mug before adding the teabag, Monkey loses it and viciously throws the servile gibbon out of his tree.

Without giving too much away, the plot turns on Cornelius’s decision to return to the clan and fight for his old job back – after he realizes that his girlfriend was just a gold-digging, self-obsessed wannabe, and that really he liked being a ‘royal’ ape after all. A final battle royale in the skies over the Sierra Nevada mountains ensues as Monkey & Cornelius take to their respective Lockheed Martin F-35B Lightning, and F-15 Eagle jet fighters.

‘Planet of the Apes – Put the kettle on, eh Mum?’ opens in the UK in April 2023. Write to us to tell us who you think wins the battle royale.

Earth’s core is slowing down, say scientists

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Earth’s core is slowing down, say scientists
Earth’s core is slowing down, say scientists
Earth’s core is slowing down, say scientists

Emergency planet Earth! Humans beware! The Earth’s core is slowing down compared to its mantle. What does that mean? I don’t know but here are the facts…

Planet Earth is not, as most people believe, just a round ball floating in space. Earth is in fact, an elipsoid (W.C. ‘squashed orb’) revolving in gravitational suspension within a complex solar system comprising several other planets which yen around a flaming yellow ball in the middle called ‘the sun’.

Crust around Uranus

Our planet, has several layers – think of a creme egg mixed with an onion. At its centre, is the solid core. This is like the hazelnut in a Cadbury’s Hazel in caramel, but made of iron and nickel. Outside the solid core is the liquid inner core which is like the white bit in a crème egg.

Then comes the mantle – a layer of solid rock – a bit like a Softmint that’s been left in your car overnight. The final, outer layer is called the crust. This is the bit we live on, which is ironic, because many people think that life is shit, just like the crusty skids most of us leave in our underwear after a long day at work, or a heavy night out on the town.

Earth’s core is slowing down?

The boffin scientists’ warning, however, should be taken seriously – even by people like us who don’t understand what they are talking about. Why? I don’t know but if one part of the earth is spinning more slowly than another, even I can work out that that’s bad.

It sounds a bit like when your drunk and you turn your head too quickly and your brain goes one way, while you’re going another.

Saturn did nothing

But don’t worry, apparently this happens every decade or so. Not that most humans would know anything about it. Most of us don’t even know the names of the counties bordering the one we live in, let alone the physics of the planet we live on. I mean it’s only our home planet ffs, why should we bother to learn anything about it?

So don’t worry. There’s nothing you can do about it anyway. Unless?…

Next Tuesday at 10am, everybody run due east for 30 minutes. If we all do it at the same time, maybe we can correct the spinning problem. I’ll do it if you will. Come on! Let’s save the planet… together!

W.C. = Working Class

Dad’s dead, Bastard – thank God!

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Dad’s dead, Bastard – thank God!
Dad’s dead, Bastard – thank God!
Dad’s dead, Bastard

When your dad dies, it’s sad. Very sad. Unless of course your dad was a complete bastard, in which case it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

That’s what happened to the Drake family of Brettenham, Suffolk when Brian Drake, or ‘Dad’ as he was known around the house, died of a heart attack, last Tuesday week.

Brian (61) was ex-husband to Sandra, and sometime father to Brian Jnr (30), Kerry (26), Kevin (18), and Sam (12). He also leaves a sister, Carol (64) who is a bit of a nervous wreck.

Wife pissed-off

According to the accounts of those closest to him, Brain was a complete bastard. It was no secret amongst his family and friends that he used to knock Sandra around a bit, especially if she spoke while he was watching the Big Match of a Sunday lunchtime.

Sandra had a love/hate relationship with Brian, in as much as, she loved the part of him that she remembered from their earlier, happier years together – before he transformed into a fat, alcoholic bin man – but she also thought he was a cunt. Which he was.

In the last twenty-five years of their marriage, he never took her out anywhere or bought her flowers (he saved all that for his girlfriends down the pub). He talked to her like she was stupid (she wasn’t – he was) and generally treated her like a piece of shit, only good for clearing up after him and making him food.

Sandra eventually got her own back on her husband by literally pissing on his cornflakes and then running off with one of his mates from the dust.

Kids unanimous

Brian was not well-liked by his children, which is unusual, because he was their father. Brian Jnr confessed to this reporter that “I never really liked dad, to be honest. I mean, first of all, he called me Brian.

Fucking Brian? Junior? What? So I’m supposed to be a lesser version of him, am I? A fat, chavvy, useless cunt of a road sweeper? Gee – thanks, dad!”

‘Junior’’s sister, Kerry added “Nor me. He was a selfish wanker, and a useless one at that. He was a massive Tottenham Hotspur fan – eurgh – and they were all he cared about.

He would piss off to London to see them whenever he could, or be in the pub – yelling at the big screen TV watching them, or be at home watching them. He never took us anywhere or did a thing with us. He was an ignorant twat and I’m glad he’s dead.”

Sam, the youngest of the Drake children simply gave the wanker sign when I asked how he remembered his dad.

What was I doing?

This reporter thought he’d seek a second opinion from Brian’s mates at the Six Bells Pub in Felsham. Upon my arrival, there was a throng of dimwits gathered around a fruit machine, raising pints, cheering, and laughing.

When they saw me approach with my microphone, one of them dragged me to their huddle and asked what I was doing in their pub. Being a reporter, I told them, I was more interested in what they were doing, and asked them. “We’re celebrating!” said a red-faced fat bloke as he farted into my microphone. “What?” I asked. “Brian’s dead! Yahay!”

Case closed

How to Process Application for a Charging Order

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How to Process Application for a Charging Order
How to Process Application for a Charging Order
How to Process Application for a Charging Order

If you’re in the process of filing for a charging order, you may be feeling overwhelmed and confused about the application process. A charging order is a court order that grants a creditor a legal charge over a debtor’s property, so it’s important to understand the details of the application process before proceeding.

In the below paragraphs, you will find the whole process of charging order application and what to know before submitting an application.

1. Applying for a Charging Order

Before diving deep into the process, let’s first clarify what is a charging order. A charging order is a court order which allows creditors to have a right to receive payments from the debtor, be it in the form of cash or any other asset including real estate.

To apply for a charging order, the creditor needs to submit an application to the court. The application should include details of the debt, proof of identity, and details of the asset being charged. The asset can be a house, land or any other type of property.

In addition to the application, the creditor must provide evidence of the debt, such as copies of invoices and statements, to prove that the debt exists and that the debtor is liable for it. The creditor will also need to show that they have tried to obtain payment from the debtor before applying for a charging order.

2. The Court Process

You can apply for a charging order at the local county court where the debtor is based. The court will then consider your application and decide whether or not to grant a charging order. If the court decides to grant the charging order, it will make an official document.

This document outlines the terms of the charging order and the conditions that must be met in order for it to be enforced. The debtor will also be notified of the charging order and will be asked to pay back the debt within a certain time period.

It is important to note that all applications for charging orders must be made through the court process. This ensures that creditors are given a fair hearing and that their rights are protected throughout the process. It also helps to ensure that all debts are paid on time.

3. After the Charging Order is Made

Once a charging order has been granted by the court, it remains in place until the debtor gets rid of the debt or it is cancelled by the court. During this time, the debtor will no longer be able to access the assets covered by the charging order.

If the debtor wishes to use or sell the assets, they will need to apply to the court for permission. If permission is granted, the proceeds from the sale of the assets must be used to pay off the debt, and any remaining funds must be paid directly to the creditor.

You should also know that creditors can still pursue other forms of debt recovery against a debtor even after a charging order has been granted, such as issuing statutory demands or bankruptcy proceedings.

Countries with the most billionaires

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Countries with the most billionaires
Countries with the most billionaires
Countries with the most billionaires

Have you ever wondered which countries have the most billionaires? It’s an interesting prospect – knowing which nations have the highest number of mega wealthy people.


Let’s look at some of the contenders, which include countries from Europe, South America and other continents.


USA, USA


At the top of the charts, almost predictably, there is the United States of America. According to Wikipedia’s list of countries by number of billionaires page, the USA has over 700 billionaires – 735, at last count, to be exact.


A few of those will be accounted for by Mega Millions billion dollar jackpot wins and you can now bet on the outcome of this from UK. The US has seen a good few of these over the years and, little doubt, will yield a more in the future.


Cha-ching, China


Next is China, with 530-plus billionaires. For a country with a population of more than 1.4 billion, that equates to a billionaire for approximately every 300,000 people. By contrast, the USA boast a billionaire for every 1.9 million people.


Then come India and Germany, with about 170 and 140 billionaires each, respectively. They are the last of the countries whose number of billionaires stretch to three figures on this list, as we now take a look at the double digits.


First up, it’s Russia’s 83, Hong Kong’s 67 and Canada’s 64. Hong Kong’s sum is an interesting one, as it effectively translates to one billionaire for every 8.8 million people. Lump them with mainland China, and the figure fluctuates significantly.


South American billionaires


Looking to South America, there’s Brazil’s 60-odd billionaires, Philippines’ 20 and Mexico’s 15. Chile had seven and Argentina four at last count. And let’s not overlook Colombia’s three, Peru’s two and Venezuela’s one, again according to Wikipedia.


What about the UK and Africa?


Readers from England, Wales and Scotland might be interested to know the United Kingdom was bordering on 50 billionaires at last check. They were flanked by Taiwan’s 51 and Australia’s 46.


Over in Africa, Egypt leads the pack in terms of nations with the most billionaires. Egypt has six to South Africa’s four and Nigeria’s three. Algeria, Morocco, Eswatini, Tanzania and Zimbabwe have one each.


In which cities to billionaires reside?


A report by Visual Capitalist, meanwhile, has also noted the cities with the highest number of billionaires. Here, we find several predictable results in New York City, San Francisco, London and Moscow toward the top, after which some intriguing players slot in as well.


Take, for instance, Mumbai and its 40 billionaires. One of these is Indian Premier League franchise owner Mukesh Ambani, who has a commercial hand in the operation of the Mumbai Indians. He is also on record expressing an interesting in owning Liverpool in the English Premier League.


Istanbul in Turkey and Paris in France are reported to possess 30-odd billionaires each. Dubai in the United Arab Emirates is bordering on 40.


This concludes an entertaining look at the countries and cities with the highest number of billionaires. It will be interesting to see which nations gain or lose billionaires in the future.

Butthole Road: Mysterious road that turns drivers into As**oles

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Butthole Road: Mysterious road that turns drivers into As**oles
Butthole Road – Doncaster

“Butthole Road” is the mysterious road that turns drivers into as**oles. Road is the former name of a street in Conisbrough, Doncaster, South Yorkshire, England.

There is a strange phenomenon about this road. For some inexplicable reason, whenever anyone drove down it, they would suddenly become rude, irritable, and generally unpleasant to be around.

Mystery behind Butthole Road

It is said that even The Pope drove on this road one sunday afternoon and started swerving and cursing at the other drivers. He even threw a whole birthday cake to the car behind him. But as soon as he drove away from Butthole Road, he was himself again. It’s as if he didn’t even remember what had occurred moments ago.

At first, the residents of Conisbrough thought it was just a strange coincidence because for some reason,.this street got really “tight” and “hot” in there, and it often tends to smell going down this road but they couldn’t figure out why. As more and more people began complaining about their sudden changes.in behavior after driving down Butthole Road, they knew something wasn’t right.

What experts say?

Lorraine Fisher, 34, is a Proctologist and Quantum Physicist at MIT. She was hired by the Council to study this phenomenon. After months of research, Fisher finally concluded that it was the road itself! She believes that something about the road’s surface or the air around it was causing people to become angry and aggressive.

Fisher stated. “It’s not the name of the road, but what the road is made out of that is causing chemical reactions in the brain resulting in aggressive behavior”.

The council was shocked by this revelation and immediately decided to rename the road and repave it with different types of asphalt that they hoped would stop the strange behavior from occurring.

They decided to rename the street “Rectum Ave” which now intersects with another street called “Anus Blvd” which leads to highway “A69”.

And to everyone’s delight, it worked!

Citizens of Conisbrough can now drive down the road without turning into assholes.

The Council held a ceremony to celebrate the road’s innovation, and everyone in England agreed that it was a really good decision that had to be made.

What time do you call this, then?

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What time do you call this, then?
What time do you call this, then?
Road sign diversion to the Pub.

“What time do you call this, then?” Aaah… the classic accusatory question faced by all men arriving home from work late to their wives and girlfriends.

Well, thanks to an unfortunate diversion caused by roadworks outside The Bear pub in Bredfield, East Suffolk, all feckless men determined to avoid going home to the wife and screaming kids – now have the perfect excuse not to.

“I wanted to come straight home luv, but I couldn’t, honest! I got diverted into the pub.” Ha ha! Get out of that wifey!

Forced into pub

The cause of the diversion was either a burst water main, a humongous pothole, the laying of new communications cables, or the burial of a newly deceased council roadworker. It doesn’t matter. Who cares why the road has been dug up when the outcome is literally being forced to go to the pub?

This reporter joined the throng of delayed white van men, teachers, civil servants, and other so-called ‘working people’ who were inexplicably in the packed Bear pub at 3.45pm on a Monday afternoon to ask them how it felt to be imprisoned in a pub against their will. John, 37, a fat plumber from around the corner told me “I really wanted to get home early tonight because the boy has football training.

I know it’s pissing down today, but I genuinely love standing in the rain and cold watching his team – who are a bit shit, to be honest – aimlessly knocking the ball around for two hours. Shame I won’t be able to get home in time. Oh well, the missus’ll have to take him.”

Super ‘Mare

And Barry, 28, a science teacher (I didn’t know they still existed!) who teaches at the local Westfield Primary School said “I was gutted when I was forced to come into the pub. The mother-in-law was coming over for dinner and she, the wife, and I were going to plan our summer holiday together. Barbara always comes along. Two weeks at Parkdean holiday camp in Weston. I can’t wait. Barman!”

Happy with delay

I conducted a quick straw poll of the entire clientele of the pub by shouting “But aren’t you annoyed at the delay to your journeys home?” through cupped hands to which the entire pub replied, in unison, “No!”

According to the council workmen who were ‘carrying out’ the repairs (and who were also in the pub), the works are scheduled to continue for as long as possible.

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