Popular German (Boooo!) supermarket Lidl has announced it is to close eleven stores in the USA.
Disappointing sales at stores in USA; Las Vegas, Disneyland, New York, The Grand Canyon, and the Yukon trail are cited as the reason for the closures which will reduce the number of stores in the USA to 179.
Frilly Munich-ers
Americans have taken the German (Boooo!) brand to their hearts ever since its first store opened in the Kmart Plaza in Iowa City, Iowa, in 1976. Items on sale in those days included; multi-coloured wooden building blocks, toy tool sets, buffalo meat, roller skates, frilly knickers, and German disco records – the best of which was probably ‘Daddy Cool’ by Boney M.
Money’s too tight to Mönchengladbach
The Editor at the SUFFOLK GAZETTE is too tight to send me to America to follow-up the story, so I picked a random telephone number out of a 1976 Iowa City telephone directory which I was fortunate to find in an Ipswich charity shop…
Riiiiing – Riiiiing – Riiiiing – “Howdy! You’ve all reached 319-335-35001. Aaam afraid no cotton-pickin’ person is at home right now! But if yuur a-callin’ to ask how us folks in Iowa feel about the local Lidl store a-closin’, then leave a message after the goddam tone. Thankya friend! Now y’all have a good day y’hear!”
I couldn’t be arsed to leave a message on that man’s ansaphone so I just scribbled down some made up answers to my questions:
A. Weeeeeeeel, let me tell y’all a little old stowry about when I was a liddle kid and…
Q. Are you upset or not?
A. Weeeeeeeel, I can’t rightly say that I’m naaaaat upset, but….
That’s everything thank you. Goodbye.
Germans declare war on Britain
Following the announcement of its USA closures, a Lidl press release suggests that additional closures in the UK could follow. Yes, that’s correct – LIDL CLOSURES IN THE UK!!!!!!
If you want to find out whether or not this is actually true, keep coming back to read the SUFFOLK GAZETTE – It’s completely FREE on the internet.
Four toothless workers stuck in a treacle factory for the last 85 years have been freed at last, the SUFFOLK GAZETTE can report.
The four old-timers, last seen by their families in 1938 when their ages ranged from 12-16, were discovered playing cards and drinking tea when stunned workmen arrived at the site to reopen its doors after more than eight decades.
History of treacle workers
John Pedant’s Treacle Factory of Lowestoft first opened in 1874, and by 1900 was exporting treacle across the globe, especially to Greece, where the locals used the thick, gloopy treacle to capture sparrows on a long stick for the purposes of eating them.
By the late thirties, with the rise of fascism across Europe, Pedant was forced to stop producing his famous treacle which Adolf Hitler had added to his list of ‘degenerate foodstuffs’. Consequently, the factory closed its doors in 1938 and, until a week last Thursday when the incredible discovery of ‘the treacle four’ was made, had not seen the light of day – or night.
Dead families
Upon Treacle workers release, the four men; Burl Greerson, 96, Logan Jack, 100, Vern Jephcots, 101, and Ossie Wheeler, 99, were taken to Colchester hospital where they are being kept under close supervision. Dr. Guptal Singh told reporters gathered at the hospital that as a result of treacle (along with cups of tea and roll-up cigarettes) being the only sustainable foodstuff available to them in their 85 years trapped inside the factory, the four would have to undergo a gradual process of withdrawal from treacle dependency, as well as be appraised of world events of the last 85 years and the deaths of their entire extended families.
Asked how the four had become trapped in the first place, Singh said that he had asked the four gentlemen but that none of them could remember as it was such a long time ago.
Did you know?
Black Treacle, made from Cane Molasses – a product of the sugar beet and sugar cane refinement processes, is a great source of minerals and is also useful for adhering hairpieces such as toupes and fake mustaches to one’s skin for theatrical or espionage-related purposes.
Following the recent news about an Australian porn star with two vaginas, Wilko has jumped on the fannywagon and started offering cunts for only £2.40!
Now, the craze for additional sex organs is sweeping the nation with women, men, thems and theys of all sexual tastes and persuasions adopting ‘second snatches’ with which they can now urinate at twice the normal speed, indulge in ‘doublesex’, or just impress their friends at dinner parties.
BOGGOF (Buy One Gash, Get One Free)
Also featured in the new ‘extra body parts’ range being introduced into Wilko stores from a fortnight Wednesday are: cock (£2.40), Clitoris (£4.80), anus (£2.40), Fallopian tube (£7.80 each or two for £14), and tits (£4.80 a pair).
With the rest of the world seemingly going mad, it is good to be able to rely on the relative normalcy of being able to simply walk into a shop and buy a cunt or an anus (although to be fair, people have been doing that in London’s Soho for years.)
So with birthdays just around the corner, why not pop down to Wilko and get your best mate a new cock, or treat your wife to a shiny new clitoris to replace her old, worn-out, one!
Making the leap from a small business to something bigger can be as challenging as getting a business going in the first place. Read this guide to make things a little easier, and make your growth sustainable.
The Growth Trajectory
Scaling a small business into a medium-sized enterprise is a significant accomplishment that requires a thorough understanding of the growth trajectory. This transition isn’t a mere increment in the number of employees or sales figures; it is about experiencing structural changes, modifying business strategies, and establishing a strong foundation for further growth.
The journey begins with understanding the difference between a small business and a medium-sized enterprise. A small business typically operates locally or regional with a relatively small workforce and a limited market share. On the other hand, a medium-sized enterprise expands its footprint, offering products or services at a national or even international level, supported by a larger team and more complex operational processes.
Moving from one level to the next necessitates a systematic and strategic approach. Scaling up involves a combination of enhancing operational efficiency, widening the customer base, and diversifying the product or service offerings while ensuring financial sustainability. One must comprehend the dynamics of scaling up to navigate the challenges successfully and utilise opportunities that come with growth.
Preparing For Growth
A solid foundation is crucial for scaling up a small business to a medium-sized enterprise. This involves setting up the groundwork to handle the increased workload, managing new hires, and preparing for the shift in business dynamics. Here are a few essential steps to ensure your business is ready for the leap.
Firstly, defining a clear vision for your business is paramount. This vision should include the direction of your growth and the goals you wish to achieve. Having a clear roadmap guides decision-making and keeps everyone in the organisation aligned.
Secondly, a solid financial plan is critical. Scaling up involves substantial financial investment. Ensure your current and projected cash flows can support your growth plan. Seek external financing if necessary but be careful to avoid over-leveraging your business.
Thirdly, invest in a robust infrastructure. This includes everything from office spaces to technology. Having the right tools will enable your team to manage the increase in workload efficiently.
Lastly, develop your team. Hiring the right people and fostering a growth-minded culture within the organisation is key to success. This will prepare your team to embrace the changes that come with scaling up.
Maintaining The Resources You Need For Growth
In the age of digital transformation, your PC infrastructure becomes an integral part of your business operations as you scale from a small to a medium-sized enterprise. Whether it’s for communication, data storage, or executing specific tasks, the robustness of your PC infrastructure often determines your business’s efficiency and productivity.
Maintaining a healthy PC infrastructure is essential. This entails regular software updates to ensure systems are secure and functioning optimally. A strong cybersecurity plan is crucial, as the risks of data breaches and cyber threats increase with business size. This includes regular backups, using secure networks, and educating your team about best practices.
You can recover a surprising amount of disk space by squeezing pdf files to a smaller size. Smallpdf has a powerful and useful tool that can compress pdf files down and give you back acres of space on your hard drives. This can speed your laptop or PC up, helping you to do more in a shorter amount of time. This simple hack can be incredibly valuable; you cannot buy time.
Invest in reliable hardware that can handle your operations’ increasing demands. Consider the scalability of your equipment, it should be able to accommodate growth without constant replacement or upgrade. Equally important is having a tech support system, either in-house or outsourced, to address technical issues promptly, minimising downtime.
A scalable and resilient PC infrastructure supports your existing operations and provides a platform for future growth. So, make regular audits and proactive maintenance a part of your business routine to ensure the backbone of your enterprise is strong.
Building Your Base
Customer Relationship Management (CRM) tools can help you grow your customer base quickly. This is critical to scaling up from a small business to a medium-sized enterprise and sustaining growth. A robust CRM system captures and organises customer data across various touchpoints, providing insights into customer behaviour, needs, and preferences. This valuable information can drive personalised marketing strategies, enabling your business to attract more customers and retain existing ones.
Beyond marketing, CRM systems also streamline sales processes and improve customer service. This helps ensure a seamless and satisfying experience for your customers. CRM can automate repetitive tasks in a growing business, freeing up your team’s time to focus on strategic growth activities.
Choose a CRM platform that aligns with your business needs and growth plans. It should be scalable, easy to use, and integrated with other business systems. CRM is not just a technology but a strategic approach to managing customer relationships, and its successful implementation requires commitment from all levels of the organisation. Leveraging CRM effectively can accelerate your journey to becoming a medium-sized enterprise by helping you understand, attract, and retain a growing customer base.
Finding Funding
Scaling a small business to a medium-sized enterprise often requires substantial financial investment. Your business will likely need funds to hire more employees, expand product lines, increase marketing efforts, or possibly move into larger premises.
Self-funding or bootstrapping is a common starting point for many businesses. It involves reinvesting profits back into the business to fuel growth. While this method gives you more control, it might not provide sufficient capital for larger scale-up efforts.
Bank loans and credit lines can offer larger sums of money at relatively low-interest rates. However, these options often require collateral and a proven track record of profitability.
Venture capital and private equity funds invest in growing businesses in exchange for equity. These funds can provide substantial financial resources and often come with the added benefit of strategic guidance. However, they typically demand a significant share of your business and can influence its direction.
Crowdfunding and peer-to-peer lending platforms are newer funding options. They can provide access to capital from a large number of investors, but typically at higher interest rates. The right funding can significantly facilitate your journey from a small business to a medium-sized enterprise.
Making More Of Marketing
In today’s digital age, leveraging the right software and online marketing strategies can propel your business growth, making the leap from a small to a medium-sized enterprise smoother and faster. Online marketing tools can extend your reach beyond local or regional boundaries, opening doors to national or even global audiences. Social media platforms, email marketing, search engine optimisation (SEO), and pay-per-click advertising can be powerful drivers of customer acquisition and engagement.
Managing these channels effectively demands the use of robust marketing software. Online tools can help you to automate and streamline your online marketing efforts, providing analytics to help optimize your strategies. These systems can track customer behaviours and preferences, enabling you to create personalised, targeted campaigns that boost conversion rates.
On the operational side, project management software can help coordinate team activities and track progress towards your growth goals. Don’t forget the importance of cybersecurity software to protect your business’s valuable data as you scale. Investing in the right software and online marketing strategies can turbocharge your business expansion, helping you make that crucial leap to becoming a medium-sized enterprise.
Follow these tips and you can expand your business without feeling the strain of stretched resources or a time crunch. Take control of your growth and manage it, so that you can sustain it.
The BBC has announced its plans to revive the classic 1970’s prison comedy ‘Porridge’ with former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson in the lead role of Norman Stanley Fletcher, originally portrayed by the legendary comedian Ronnie Barker.
The recently retired PM got the nod in a run-off against news anchor and dirty old man, Huw Edwards, who, in light of recent revelations about his not-so-private life was also seriously considered for the role.
BBC plan
BBC executives however decided that Johnson’s impeccable comedic timing and knack for getting into sticky situations made him the perfect candidate to bring the beloved character back to life. After all, who better to navigate the treacherous waters of HMP Slade than a man who has made a career out of high crimes and misdemeanors?
Nerk
The plot will revolve around Fletcher’s attempts to escape from the clutches of the prison system and return triumphantly to Downing Street, with Johnson’s version of the character employing his trademark bluster and bumbling charm.
Viewers can look forward to hilarious scenes of tubby ‘nerk’, Johnson getting stuck in tunnels, accidentally unlocking cell doors, and charming his way out of trouble with his disheveled hair and well-timed one-liners.
The popular character
Rumours that other popular characters from the show are to be portrayed by former party colleagues are unconfirmed but MPs; Matt Hancock, Michael Gove, and James Cleverly are reported to have read for the parts of Lenny Godber, Warren, and McLaren respectively.
The character of gay inmate, Lukewarm, played by Christopher Biggins in the original show could be filled by any number of fat, homosexual Tory MPs.
Scrote
Critics have already begun to speculate about the show’s potential for satire. With Johnson’s colorful political career, it’s hard not to draw parallels between his real-life escapades and the shenanigans of the fictional inmate.
From broken promises to controversial decisions, it seems like ‘scrote’ Johnson has been preparing for this role his whole life.
As news of the casting broke, social media erupted with a mix of excitement and disbelief. While some praised the BBC for their unusually impartial choice, others questioned whether Johnson’s acting chops could live up to Barker’s iconic portrayal.
A picturesque green square at the heart of a leafy,.Bury St Edmunds village has been renamed ‘Poo Square’ and designated as an exclusive toileting area for local pets and pooches.
The decision, which was announced with great fanfare by the hardline Tory town council,.aims to address the rising problem of dog muck (shit) being deposited on the neighbourhood’s pavements.
Bury residents shocked
Unsurprisingly, the council’s move has left some residents up in arms. Local resident Henrietta Pish, chair of the Bury St Edmunds chapter of the campaign group,.Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE) told this reporter, “We’re all hopping mad around here and our arms are up, too. Gawn are the days of leisurely strolls and peaceful picnics in our once-beloved square.
Now we, the local residents, as well as a parade of unwelcome visitors to the area,. must dodge an obstacle course of dirty,.dirty dogs relieving themselves on every patch of grass. The aromatic fragrance of nature has been replaced.by an overwhelming perfume of doggies’ dirty business and the once-vibrant square has been transformed into a cats’-piss utopia.”
Despite RAGE’s complaints, other enthusiastic pet owners, armed with plastic bags and scoopers,.proudly parade their four-legged companions to the square, treating it as a prestigious destination for their pets’ potty breaks.
Local businesses – quick to jump on any old bandwagon, have even started offering specially designed doggie waste bags, featuring delightful caricatures of cute pups and pets. Eeeeew!
Lava-Tory
While some residents have found humor in the absurdity of the situation, Pish, herself a Conservative, continued to rail against the decision from her position atop a soapbox at the gateway to the square.
With her arms still up in the air, she continued her complaint through a squealing loud hailer: “What’s next, eh?” came her echoey remonstration, “Tours of the most significant piles of poop in the town, for heaven’s sake?”
While the controversy rages on, ‘Poo Square’ stands as a remarkable testament to the Brits’ love of animals and our desire to accommodate our furry, mucky-arsed friends.
Many of us call England home, but we don’t fully know too much about it, or its history. With this in mind, we want to share ten facts we’ve discovered about England, to help you get a better understanding of the place and why it should be considered as somewhere to explore this year.
So, whether you’re looking to book a staycation by the coast, or something more inland, here are ten interesting facts about England you can discuss on your road trip to your accommodation within one of the holiday parks UK sites are offering.
Scroll to discover more.
Did you know… the largest county in England is Yorkshire?
That’s right, of all the counties that create England, Yorkshire is the largest, taking up 11% of the land mass that makes up England. With such a vast amount of land to explore within the county of Yorkshire, it will come as no surprise to find out that there’s a variety of landscapes to be found and explored.
Did you know… there’s a cheese rolling competition?
A place called Cooper’s Hill in Gloucester holds an annual cheese rolling competition, where a 9lbs round Double Gloucester cheese is rolled down the hill, and competitors run after it. The first person to make it to the bottom of this very steep and dangerous hill, wins the cheese.
This annual event has been taking place each year since 1826!
Did you know… the World Wide Web (WWW) was invented in England?
The birth of the World Wide Web arrived in 1989, after being discovered by English scientist, Tim Berners-Lee.
Did you know… many world-renowned scientists were born in England?
England is the birthplace of many world-renowned scientists, including Sir Isaac Newton in 1643 and Professor Stephen Hawking in 1942.
Did you know… London hasn’t always been England’s capital city?
In 871, the Hampshire city of Winchester was the capital city of England. Back then, when King Alfred reigned as King of Wessex, he chose Winchester to be the capital city. It was during the 10th century that all seven Anglo-Saxon kingdoms united and merged to become England. Over time, this led to London becoming the new capital city of England.
Did you know… wherever you are in England, you’ll always be in reach of the sea?
No matter where you find yourself within England, you’ll always be within 115km of the sea, thanks to England having a vast coastline.
The village furthest from the beach/sea is a place called Coton in the Elms, in Derbyshire. The quaint village is 113km from its nearest coastal point.
With this, no matter where you live or holiday within England, a beach day is only a matter of a drive away…
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With your newfound facts, will you be amazing your kids or friends as you drive to your English staycation destination? Or will you be saving them for a quiz night? The choice, as always, is up to you!
Men’s sexual health is often under-discussed due to societal taboos, stereotypes, and misinformation. This silence fosters an environment in which myths are propagated, and men’s sexual well-being is undermined, leading to various problems, including mental distress, relationship difficulties, and diminished overall health.
Sexual health is not merely the absence of disease or dysfunction; it’s a state of physical, mental, and social well-being in relation to sexuality. It involves a respectful and positive approach to sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences. For men, this encompasses not only physiological aspects such as erectile function and reproductive health but also psychological and emotional aspects like body image, self-esteem, and the capacity to establish meaningful interpersonal relationships.
Beyond the silence and stigma, we must strive to build a culture where men’s sexual health is valued and openly discussed and where adequate resources are available to help men understand and navigate the intricacies of their sexual health journey. Whether it is understanding the importance of routine health check-ups or addressing more complex issues like sexual performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction, knowledge and open communication are key.
In this article, we will confront the taboos and stereotypes surrounding men’s sexual health, from the pressures of masculinity to the many misconceptions about age and sexual function. In the process, we hope to foster a greater understanding of the diverse aspects of men’s sexual health, encourage open and honest conversations about these topics, and provide valuable resources for those seeking assistance or information. This is a journey towards embracing the full spectrum of men’s sexual health, recognising it as essential to a healthy, fulfilling life.
Understanding Men’s Sexual Health
Men’s sexual health encompasses various aspects, including physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It involves sexual function, desire, satisfaction, and the ability to have fulfilling relationships. However, due to societal norms and expectations, discussions around men’s sexual health are often limited and shrouded in stigma. This lack of open dialogue can have detrimental effects on men’s overall well-being.
One important aspect of men’s sexual health is understanding that it is not solely defined by performance or the ability to achieve and maintain an erection. Sexual health is a multifaceted concept encompassing various factors, including communication, intimacy, body image, and self-esteem. By broadening our understanding of men’s sexual health, we can challenge the stereotypes and misconceptions perpetuating harmful narratives.
Social and cultural factors also influence men’s sexual health. The expectations placed on men to conform to traditional notions of masculinity can create significant pressures and contribute to the culture of silence surrounding men’s sexual health. Breaking free from these expectations and embracing a more inclusive definition of masculinity is crucial for fostering healthier attitudes towards men’s sexual well-being.
The Culture Of Silence: Consequences And Causes Of Toxic Masculinity
The culture of silence surrounding men’s sexual health has far-reaching consequences. By perpetuating taboos and stereotypes, men are discouraged from seeking help or discussing their concerns openly. This can lead to feelings of shame, isolation, and anxiety, which can further exacerbate sexual difficulties and hinder overall well-being.
One of the underlying causes of this culture of silence is toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity refers to rigid gender norms and expectations prioritising dominance, physical strength, and emotional stoicism. These expectations often discourage men from seeking help, expressing vulnerability, or discussing sensitive topics such as sexual health. Breaking free from the constraints of toxic masculinity is essential for creating an environment where men feel empowered to address their sexual health concerns without fear of judgment or ridicule.
Breaking The Silence: The Importance Of Open Dialogue
Breaking the silence surrounding men’s sexual health is crucial for promoting overall well-being and fostering healthier attitudes towards masculinity and sexuality. Open dialogue allows individuals to share their experiences, seek support, and access relevant information and resources. Through these conversations, we can challenge the taboos and stereotypes that hinder progress in men’s sexual health.
Creating safe spaces for open dialogue is essential. This can be achieved through community initiatives, educational programs, and healthcare settings that prioritise inclusivity, respect, and confidentiality. By encouraging open conversations about men’s sexual health, we can help individuals overcome the barriers that prevent them from seeking the help and support they need.
The Role Of Masculinity In Men’s Sexual Health
Masculinity plays a significant role in shaping men’s attitudes towards their sexual health. Traditional notions of masculinity often emphasise performance, dominance, and sexual prowess, creating unrealistic expectations and perpetuating harmful stereotypes. These expectations can lead to anxiety, stress, and performance-related issues.
Challenging the narrow definitions of masculinity and promoting a more inclusive understanding of what it means to be a man is essential. Embracing a healthier and more holistic view of masculinity allows men to prioritise their sexual well-being without feeling the need to conform to unrealistic standards. By redefining masculinity, we can create an environment that supports open conversations about men’s sexual health, free from judgment and stigma.
Men’s Sexual Health And Aging: Dispelling The Myths Of Erectile Dysfunction
As men age, misconceptions and myths often surround their sexual health, particularly regarding erectile dysfunction (ED). Many believe that ED is an inevitable part of ageing, leading to feelings of shame and inadequacy. However, it is essential to dispel these myths and provide accurate information about the various factors contributing to sexual difficulties as men age.
While age can be a contributing factor to sexual changes, it is not the sole determinant of sexual function. Lifestyle factors, underlying health conditions, medications, and psychological well-being all play a role in men’s sexual health. By addressing these factors and seeking appropriate support, men can better navigate the changes that come with ageing and maintain a fulfilling and satisfying sex life.
If you’re struggling with ED and are considering using Sildenafil as a treatment, you may have been wondering: “Is Sildenafil effective for ED?” To answer that question and to get started with a consultation with an expert pharmacist, head over to Oxford Online Pharmacy.
Navigating The Journey: Resources And Support
Navigating the complex landscape of men’s sexual health can be challenging, but numerous resources and support are available. From healthcare professionals specialising in men’s sexual health to online communities and educational materials, individuals can find the guidance and information they need to address their concerns.
It is important to seek support from qualified professionals who can provide evidence-based advice and treatment options. Healthcare providers specialising in men’s sexual health can offer personalised solutions tailored to individual needs and circumstances. Additionally, online resources and communities can provide a supportive environment for individuals to share their experiences, seek advice, and find comfort in knowing they are not alone.
Bottom Line
Men’s sexual health is a vital aspect of overall well-being that is often overshadowed by taboos and stereotypes. By challenging societal norms, embracing open dialogue, and promoting a more inclusive understanding of masculinity, we can create an environment where men feel empowered to address their sexual health concerns without fear or shame. Remember, seeking support and information is a sign of strength, and there are resources available to help navigate the journey towards a healthier, more fulfilling sexual life. Let us break the silence, dispel the myths, and support one another on this journey towards embracing the full spectrum of men’s sexual health.
