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WWIII ALERT: FRENCH ATTACKED BLACKPOOL with a Giant Croissant

The Editor
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WWIII ALERT: FRENCH ATTACKED BLACKPOOL with a Giant Croissant
WWIII ALERT: FRENCH ATTACKED BLACKPOOL with a Giant Croissant

BLACKPOOL, ENGLAND – The bawdy seaside town of Blackpool woke up to a terrifying, yet delicious nightmare yesterday morning as a gargantuan croissant launched a surprise attack on its citizens.

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Eyewitnesses reported that the colossal pastry, measuring approximately 50 feet in length, descended upon the promenade with all the subtlety of a hairy-chested, French lounge lizard.

Local bakeries were quick to distance themselves from the attack, instead pointing their fingers squarely at the French. “We’ve never baked anything bigger than a jumbo-sized pain au chocolat,” declared Phil Brick. Manager of Greggs in the town centre, “This has ‘boulangerie’ written all over it.”

Traffic Jam

Townsfolk, initially amused by the continental menace, soon found themselves in a sticky situation. As the croissant unleashed a torrent of strawberry confiture, covering vehicles and shoppers in a gooey mess. Panic ensued as residents scarpered in all directions as flaky pastry rained down from above.

The latest reports indicate that the humongous pastry, still at large, was brought to the UK by an illegal immigrant travelling from Calais in a small boat. The suspicion is the pastry expanded to its unfeasible size after a bizarre chemical reaction with the salty sea water.

Unprepared innocent locals

Efforts to neutralise the breakfast menace were underway last night as pâtissiers and emergency services collaborated to devise a plan. Rumours swirled around the town that a giant butter knife was being brought in to defend the town. Local authorities, clearly unprepared for such a peculiar assault, issued a statement urging citizens to remain calm and promising swift action against the colossal pastry.

World War III

Meanwhile, Blackpool residents, faced with a bakery-based apocalypse. Wondered if this was merely the beginning of a series of breakfast-themed attacks recently warned about by Secretary of Defence, Grant Shapps, or, whether the government’s warnings of an imminent world war III are just so much fearmongering bullshit.

Suffolk residents bounce back after storm Isha pummelling

The Editor
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Suffolk residents bounce back after storm Isha pummelling

SAXMUNDHAM, SUFFOLK – Storm Isha hurtled across the UK last night, leaving carnage and chaos in her tempestuous wake.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

In Saxmundham, a garden trampoline was swept off its moorings and sent hurtling onto the roof of a benefit-reliant family’s house. Kevin Brown, an unemployed father of six, voiced his concerns, not about the trampoline, but about its collateral damage. “I don’t give a shit about the bloody trampoline, but it’s completely ruined our f*ckin TV picture, for f*ck’s sake,” lamented Kevin, contemplating the tragic loss of Match of the Day.

Gnome place like home

Further along the street, the symphony of chaos orchestrated by Storm Isha played on. Pet rabbits, whipped up in mini cyclones, smashed through kitchen windows. Trees were upended onto dilapidated shed roofs, and in one case, a family of garden gnomes, in situ since the 1970’s, were flung by 100mph winds into an adjacent garden causing an angry ownership dispute between neighbours (everybody needs good neighbours).

Storm Isha and her sister

As storm Isha subsides, Suffolk braces itself for the arrival of sister storm, Jocelyn who is due to strike tomorrow and predicted to be just as violent. In preparation, resilient Suffolk residents are battening down the hatches to protect what little is left of their garden furniture.

Suffolk Romeo flops on date night despite taking FIVE Viagra

The Editor
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Suffolk Romeo flops on date night despite taking FIVE Viagra
Suffolk Romeo flops on date night despite taking FIVE Viagra

A lovesick Suffolk man is entering a third week in a coma after an overdose of Viagra rendered him comatose during a dreamy rendezvous with a woman he met on a dating site.

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

Phil Skinner, 56 who reportedly suffers from the double whammy of a tiny penis and erectile dysfunction, decided to take the “belt and braces” approach ahead of a romantic evening with Sandra, a Big Beautiful Woman (BBW) he’d connected with online. Ignoring the fine print on the Viagra prescription, he ingested not one, not two, but FIVE of the little blue pills in anticipation of an unforgettable night of amour.

Bitter pill to swallow

As the evening progressed, it became clear that, like the Pastry Chef at the Ipswich Harvester, Phil had ‘over-egged the pudding’ when it came to the dosage for a successful night of sexual intercourse. Witnesses reported that a beetroot-faced Skinner passed out mid-dessert, leaving Sandra to grapple with a decision: finish her profiteroles or accompany her unconscious date to the hospital?

Romance after Viagra

Now, residing in a pharmaceutical-induced slumber, Phil lies supine, blissfully unaware of the incredible erection which perseveres two weeks on. Sandra, a woman of pragmatism, has reportedly visited Phil on several occasions. Speculation abounds that her frequent hospital visits are not solely fueled by romantic concern but also by the unfortunate reality that, with Phil unconscious, she was left to settle the restaurant bill.

In a gesture of unwavering optimism, Sandra patiently awaits Phil’s awakening, not just for the sake of her heart but, it’s rumoured, for the reimbursement of the cost of dinner.

End of love story

Only Cupid knows whether Phil and Sandra’s love story will end-up as light and airy as a cream filled profiterole, or as stodgy as a faceplant in a bowl of Jam Roly Poly and custard, but in the meantime, our thoughts are with Phil and his massive boner.

Oulton locals offer to fill in pretty farm girl’s hole

The Editor
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Oulton locals offer to fill in pretty farm girl’s hole

SUFFOLK, UK – Embracing the pothole-riddled reality of Britain’s roads, resourceful citizens have decided that if the craters are here to stay, they might as well make the most of them.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

With Oulton council seemingly allergic to road maintenance. Britons have adopted a reluctant “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mentality, turning persistent potholes into unexpected assets.

Sweet smelling gash

In the quaint village of Oulton, pretty Suffolk farm girl, Jemima Cantina. She has turned a 7-foot by 4-foot pothole outside her rural home into a makeshift spa. Armed with bath salts and natural sponges, she happily indulges in an al fresco soak, dubbing her unique outdoor retreat her “Pothole Paradise.” Locals passing by often catch a whiff of the lavender-scented bubbles wafting from her hygienic hollow.

Rainbow Fish

Not to be outdone, Ipswich couple Andrew Rectangle and Kevin Lacey have taken the plunge into unconventional pet ownership. Transforming two sizable potholes in the street outside their home, the couple has created a thriving underwater oasis, complete with tropical fish.

As these inventive residents turn potholes into personal playgrounds, the phenomenon is catching on across the nation. From impromptu herb gardens sprouting in road divots to dinky duck ponds carved out of neglected asphalt. The people of Great Britain have discovered that if you can’t eliminate the potholes, you might as well make the most of them.

Oulton council and potholes

Meanwhile, local councils, seemingly oblivious to their roads’ imperfections. Continue their own version of the pothole shuffle – avoiding responsibility and leaving citizens to make the best of a wholly unacceptable situation.

Wetherspoons take dining to new heights

The Editor
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Wetherspoons take dining to new heights
Wetherspoons take dining to new heights

WETHERSPOONS, BURY – Wetherspoons has opened its newest restaurant in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk. Complete with toilets that are located on the 75th floor. Taking its dining to the next level.

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

The move has only served to reinforce the long-standing mythology. That Wetherspoons toilets are always strategically placed at altitudes comparable to Everest base camps.

The lofty convenience

In an impressive show of outhouse architecture, the bogs at ‘The Lofty Convenience’ Wetherspoons dining in Bury boast panoramic views of the quaint market town and the vast expanse of East Anglia.

As exhausted patrons park themselves on the lav, for a rest as much as a poo. They are greeted with breathtaking views of fields, rivers, and the occasional confused seagull. The hike up to the 75-floor is reminiscent of the gruelling spiral climb up to the whispering gallery in London’s St Paul’s Cathedral.

It’s coming out

Regular Wetherspoons clientele, known for their resilience in the face of elaborate toilet mazes. They have resigned to yet more excursions up endless staircases with their knees knocking together. “It’s a true test of commitment to your pint,” remarked one patron. Proudly wearing the “Toilet Trekker” badge he earned after successfully navigating the labyrinthine ascent up to the altitudinous crapper.

All new Wetherspoons dining

Despite the controversy, The Lofty Convenience has already become a must-visit destination for those who enjoy their pints with a side of vertigo. Rumour has it that the next Wetherspoons venture will feature toilets attached to a hot air balloon suspended above the pub roof, further solidifying the brand’s commitment to keeping patrons on their toes, or rather, on their tiptoes, as they search for the ever-elusive facilities.

UK Premiere of Disney’s ‘Cars 4’ dented by UK Snowstorm

The Editor
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UK Premiere of Disney’s ‘Cars 4’ dented by UK Snowstorm
UK Premiere of Disney’s ‘Cars 4’ dented by UK Snowstorm

LEICESTER SQUARE, LONDON – The animated cast of “Cars 4: UK Gridlock” is embarking on a promotional tour through the United Kingdom. Just as an icy snowstorm threatens to engulf the nation.

Originally slated for release in December 2022, the film’s debut was delayed by the tumultuous combination of COVID-19 and the war in Ukraine. Creating an air of anticipation that rivals the slow crawl of traffic on the M25 on a frozen Monday morning.

Traffic woes

The latest installment of Disney’s Pixel Cars franchise promises to be a box office smash. As it ingeniously capitalizes on the UK’s notorious traffic woes. Set against the backdrop of the country’s perpetually gridlocked road network. “Cars 4: UK Gridlock” is expected to lure audiences back to cinemas. With its rip-roaring take on the automotive chaos that defines British commuting.

As the film’s premiere looms, the cast, including the beloved Lightning McQueen and the wise-cracking Mater, are cruising through the UK to promote their latest vehicular adventure.

However, with a severe snowstorm threatening to paralyze roads and highways. There are concerns that the movie stars might find themselves in the same predicament as their animated counterparts.

Destructive rampage

Adding a spark of excitement to the storyline, “Cars 4: UK Gridlock” introduces a new antagonist. The road-raging articulated lorry known as ‘Evergreen.’ Fueled by fury at being perpetually trapped in heavy traffic, Evergreen embarks on a destructive rampage, causing even more chaos on the already congested roads. The film promises to be a rollercoaster of traffic diversions, road closures, and motorized mayhem.

Fans eagerly anticipate the Leicester Square premiere, hoping to catch a glimpse of their favorite animated characters. However, with the impending snowfall threatening to turn the red carpet into a slippery slope. Attendees are advised to pack snow chains along with their popcorn.

In a twist of poetic irony, the cast of “Cars 4: UK Gridlock” may find themselves grappling with real-world traffic as they navigate their way to the premiere amidst the imminent winter storm.

Driver tells traffic warden “You clamp it, you keep it!”

The Editor
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Driver tells traffic warden “You clamp it, you keep it!”
Driver tells traffic warden “You clamp it, you keep it!”

LOWESTOFT COUNCIL CAR POUND, SUFFOLK – After a run-in with a zealous traffic warden, Suffolk layabout, Edmund Spink responded to the unwelcome addition of a wheel clamp, by scrawling a blunt message across the beleaguered vehicle: “f***ing keep it.”

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Spink’s 2014 silver Daewoo Matiz, a vehicle teetering on the brink of automotive oblivion, has seen better days, with a laundry list of repairs resembling a car mechanic’s wet dream.

In a moment of calculated decision-making, After calculating that the cost of liberating his beleaguered automobile from the pound. Was a princely ransom of £100 – nearly double the vehicle’s market value – Spink decided to cut his losses.

Couldn’t car less

Sources close to the unemployed petty criminal reveal that this isn’t Spink’s first tango with parking violations. Records indicate an impressive tally of 32 unpaid parking fines. Making him a bona fide parking outlaw and blight on society.

Traffic warden ruled out

Spink’s couldn’t-care-less approach to his parking responsibilities has been characterized by some as typifying the decline in British civil standards. Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents Against Everything (RAGE) said: “BLOODY CHEEK! I didn’t spend six months caged in a bamboo pen in a Japanese P.O.W camp. Wearing nothing but my underpants, socks and stocking suspenders just so DELINQUENTS like Spink can go around parking their automobiles here.Tthere and everywhere WILLY NILLY! D’YA HEAR?! It was 3 months.”

Usual suspects

For others, Spink’s automotive masterpiece has become a symbol of rebellion against unfair parking fines. Several locals polled by the SUFFOLK GAZETTE on Lowestoft High Street viewed local thug Spink as something of a working-class hero. Despite the fact that he doesn’t work. Most of those who commented, however,  appeared to be anarchists, communists or students so we shouldn’t take what they say too seriously.

Liam Gallagher offers £20,000 reward for return of missing dog

The Editor
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Liam Gallagher offers £20,000 reward for return of missing dog
Liam Gallagher offers £20,000 reward for return of missing dog

MADCHESTER, UK – Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher has offered a £20,000 reward for the safe return of his beloved missing dog, German Shorthaired Pointer, Patsy.

The pooch vanished into thin air during what was supposed to be a leisurely stroll in Heaton Park, Manchester, leaving Gallagher with a furrowed brow, skulking around in a fit of rock ‘n’ roll angst.

Patsy is an old dog

The drama unfolded during a routine stroll in Heaton Park, Manchester. Where Liam, who as a solo artist struggled to match his earlier success with Oasis, took Patsy out for a leisurely walk.

Witnesses claim that 10-year-old Patsy – an old dog, by canine standard. Began fervently sniffing the arseholes of other young pooches in the park. Setting tongues, as well as tails wagging as the canine chaos ensued.

The drama reached its crescendo when Patsy pursued several dogs out of Heaton Park. Leaving her famous owner, strutting around in the dust like a demented glue-sniffer searching for a tube of Bostik.

Liam, never one to shy away from confrontation, has now taken matters into his own hands. In a desperate bid to get his old dog back, he has offered a whopping £20,000 reward for her safe return. Declaring war on anyone who stands in the way of their rock and roll reunion.

Sherlock Bones

As the hunt for Patsy intensifies, with Liam patrolling the streets of Manchester like a washed-up rockstar turned dog detective. Fans are left to wonder if this tale of a missing pooch will inspire a comeback chart-topping hit, ideally, a bit better than ‘Headshrinker’.

Liam Gallagher missing dog Oasis

A dog-inspired Oasis B-side that was penned with the help of a rhyming dictionary… 

Lost in a fog

I’ve been treated like a dog

And I’m out of here

I got no name

And I feel no shame

I got no fear

And I bow down

To the tears of a clown

Whatever’s going down

Is coming around

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