BBC BROADCASTING HOUSE, LONDON – The BBC, known for its commitment to diversity, equity and impartiality inclusion, has appointed Dawn Queva. The recently outed anti-Semite and anti-white racist, as its new Director General.
Queva (BBC Director General), previously a programme co-ordinator at the corporation. Has gained notoriety for a series of disturbing Facebook posts that openly expressed her discriminatory views.
The promotion (BBC Director General) has raised eyebrows across the media landscape. Leading seasoned commentators to question the BBC’s commitment to its founding principles. However, the decision to elevate Miss Queva to the highest position within the corporation comes with a remarkable unapologetic justification.
According to a spokeswoman, Queva’s views are deemed “perfectly in line with our editorial policy and DEI hiring guidelines.” Recent reports in the national press highlighted how BBC staff are being told not to hire candidates. Who are “dismissive” of diversity and inclusion, and it appears that Miss Queva’s recently posted claims.that Britain was “bigoted” and “genocidal” align with the BBC hiring doctrine?
What would Auntie say?
Queva’s ascent to the top echelons of the BBC was allegedly clinched after she asserted on her job application. That “White people are a parasitic, barbaric, deviant, murderous, genocidal and thieving race”,and that Jewish people are “lying scum” and “Nazi parasites”.
According to the head of Human resources at the beeb, her impressive CV compared former Israeli leaders to Adolf Hitler. Referred to the Holocaust as the “holohoax” and demonstrated how Israel is trying to “forcibly sterilise black women”.
As sociopath, Queva (BBC Director General) assumes her exciting new role as the Director General. With its nine-figure salary, spacious penthouse office suite, and VIP tickets to Wimbledon. We asked staff at Broadcasting House what they thought about their controversial new DG.
Betty Parsnips, a cook in the BBC canteen told us: “Queva’s? That one from the Facebook? Oh, she’ll love it here. I told her secretary that she’s welcome down here anytime. We have a whole tray of chips to match that massive one she has on her shoulder.”
In recent years, the eSports industry has gone truly mainstream. Whereas just a few decades ago playing video games was a niche hobby, here in 2024 competitive gaming events are now on par with traditional sports. They pull in audiences in their thousands, with the top eSports tournaments selling out arenas and broadcasting to fans across the world. From Suffolk to South Korea, the eSports train is in full swing so what’s in store for pro gaming in 2024? Let’s take a look!
What are eSports?
For those who aren’t in the know, the term eSports stands for “electronic sports” and refers to competitive video gaming at a professional level. The eSports ecosystem contains organised, multiplayer video game tournaments, often with cash prizes at the top levels; sponsorships and endorsement opportunities for players; outside investors; and, of course, a dedicated fan base. High-level professional events take place online or in arenas, attracting millions of global viewers.
In recent years, eSports has experienced significant growth and development. Major advancements in gaming tech, widespread internet access, and the rise of streaming platforms like Twitch have fueled the industry’s expansion. Pro gaming has evolved from niche competitions into a mainstream phenomenon, with players becoming household names and lucrative sponsorships pouring into the scene.
We’re now at the stage where once grassroots teams of gamers have now become eSports organisations in their own right, even collaborating with major brands and partners outside the pro gaming arena. FURIA, the Brazilian Counter-Strike specialists, added a new merchandise collaboration with online poker brand PokerStars to its portfolio in 2023, which built on already successful joint ventures with DC Comics and the luxe headwear brand New Era. This newest partnership may even indicate that the wider industry is embracing a diverse niche like online poker, which, despite having been classed as a mindsport for several years now, is yet to fully integrate with eSports.
Although there’s still some debate about whether eSports count as real sports, there’s no denying the fact that pro gaming is a competitive discipline that is comparable to more traditional sporting pursuits. Professional gamers undergo rigorous training regimens, participate in team-based competitions, and adhere to a code of conduct when competing. Leagues and tournaments follow structured formats, which in turn gives rise to a competitive ecosystem akin to other sports.
In terms of genres, the industry encompasses a wide range that reflects the diversity of the modern-day gaming industry. Major genres include First-Person Shooters (FPS) like Counter-Strike 2, Multiplayer Online Battle Arenas (MOBA) like League of Legends, Real-Time Strategy (RTS) games such as StarCraft II, and Sports Simulation titles like FIFA and NBA 2K.
Headline Tournaments
2024 is certainly gearing up to be an exciting year for players and fans alike, as several major events and tournaments are already scheduled for the coming twelve months. Starting off the year with the first big Counter-Strike 2 event – following its release last autumn – is the IEM Katowice in Poland in February. G2 Esports, the defending IEM champions are currently heading up the list of eight qualified teams, which also includes FaZe Clan (a team that’s already got winning form in CS2) and Complexity Gaming.
The Rainbow Six Invitational event takes a leaf out of American Football’s book by crowning a new world champion earlier on in the year. By the end of February, the gaming community will have a new top team in this highly popular title. The teams set to be in attendance this year include 2023 champions G2 Esports, reigning Majors winners w7m esports and Virtus.pro.
The global eSports community will be descending on Birmingham come April for the ESL One tournament (Dota 2). It’s been two years since the event was held on British shores, so plenty of UK and European teams are expected to turn out for it. Defending champions Azure Ray are invited, despite three of their members now playing for Xtreme Gaming (who are also invited). Meanwhile, the likes of Team Liquid and Team Spirit are also expected to be in the mix.
eSports Trends in 2024
Right now, the gaming industry is in a new stage of evolution, what with the arrival of generative AI and the ever-increasing presence of the metaverse, extended reality and fully immersive gaming. We can expect to see these trends impact eSports too, although it might be some time before fully realised VR arenas come into play. Generative AI is set to be a major talking point in pro gaming, however, as the arrival of “intelligent” NPCs (non-playable characters) in video games could have implications on the competitive scene.
Aside from how tech developments could shift the scene, a trend that’s set to become more widespread in 2024 is that of community casting, which is when independent players stream live coverage of tournaments and events. The 2023 League of Legends World Championships proved the power of community casting when no less than 6.4 million viewers tuned in to live coverage on popular streamer channels. And, with gaming content creators essentially being experts in the discipline — many retired pro gamers have set up Twitch and YouTube channels — their relevance and appeal in the global gaming community is unlikely to diminish.
Let’s take a deep dive into the world of sports betting, focusing on the different types of bets and other useful information. If you’re a seasoned player, consider this article a refresher. Betting on sports can be more than just picking winners and losers; it involves a range of options to suit different strategies and preferences. Whether you’re a fan of football, cricket, or any other sport, understanding the betting types is crucial in making informed decisions. It is a good practice to develop strategies and have an understanding of the sport and its key players. Put simply, if you’re a football fan bet on football. Doing anything else simply isn’t cricket.
So, without further ado, let’s look at the different types of bets available to you.
The straight bet, often the first step for many newcomers, is straightforward. Here, you simply bet on a team or player to win. Odds are presented either in fractions or decimals in the UK, indicating the potential return on a successful bet. This bet type is popular due to its simplicity and direct approach to betting.
Handicap betting, or spread betting, levels the playing field between mismatched teams. Bookmakers assign a virtual advantage or disadvantage to teams based on their form and other factors. For example, a stronger football team might start with a -1 goal handicap against a weaker side. To win this bet, the team must overcome this handicap, offering a more balanced betting opportunity.
Accumulator bets, or ‘accas’, allow bettors to combine multiple selections into one wager. To win, all your selections must come through. While this increases the risk, it also significantly boosts potential returns, making it a thrilling choice for those looking to win big from small stakes.
When it comes to placing these bets, choosing the right sportsbook is crucial. Best UK Sportsbooks Haworth, for instance, offers a comprehensive guide to the better gaming sites available and explains the criteria they used to select them which is comprehensive. Using a site like Haworth removes a lot of the risks in finding a good site.
When choosing a sportsbook site, it is worth noting that they tend to specialise in different sports. Offers and promotions are more geared towards the sport. So, if you’re a boxing fan, shop around for one that specialises in boxing. This way, you’ll have the best experience.
Over/under bets involve wagering on whether a certain statistic in a game (like total goals, points, or runs) will be over or under a specified amount set by the bookmaker. This bet type shifts focus from the final result to specific aspects of the game, adding another layer of excitement.
Proposition bets, or ‘prop bets’, are wagers made on specific events or scenarios within a game that might not directly affect the outcome. These can range from betting on the first player to score, to more unique bets like the number of yellow cards in a football match. Prop bets add a fun and often unpredictable element to sports betting.
In-play betting, also known as live betting, allows bettors to place wagers during the game. Odds fluctuate in real-time based on what’s happening in the match. This dynamic form of betting is perfect for those who can read games and make quick decisions.
Each-way betting is common in sports like horse racing. It’s essentially two bets in one: a bet for the win, and a bet for a place (usually top three). If your selection wins, you win both bets, and if they place, you still earn a return on the place portion of your bet.
In the realm of sports betting, particularly for beginners, understanding the concept of wagering requirements is essential. These requirements are conditions set by sportsbooks that dictate how many times a bettor must place bets (or ‘wager’) the amount of a bonus before they can withdraw any winnings derived from it.
Wagering requirements are commonly encountered when a bettor receives a bonus, such as a sign-up bonus, a deposit bonus, or free bets. For example, if you receive a £50 bonus with a 5x wagering requirement, you would need to bet a total of £250 before you can withdraw any winnings gained from that bonus. This system is in place to prevent players from immediately withdrawing bonus funds, ensuring engagement with the betting platform.
Sports betting offers a diverse range of options to suit different tastes and strategies. It continues to grow in popularity generating around 14bn a year. From the simplicity of straight bets to the complexity of accumulators, there’s something for everyone. As you embark on your betting journey, remember to choose reputable sportsbooks selected from Best UK Sportsbooks Haworth for a secure and enjoyable experience. Happy betting, and may the odds be ever in your favour!
Lowestoft Ice Cream seller, Lorraine Fisher, 34, found herself caught in a swirl of controversy when her bank, the esteemed Coutts of London, suddenly closed her current account, accusing her of money laundering.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
Chubby Lorraine, adored by locals for her delectable frozen treats, was dumbfounded by the accusation. “Money laundering? I barely have enough change to buy wafer oyster shells,”. She exclaimed with a perplexed look, as she diligently wiped away strawberry sauce from her chin.
Chopped nuts
The chilling money laundering story comes in the wake of Brexit campaigner, Nigel Farage claiming that his account with high-net-worth bank Coutts had also been closed.
Farage claimed that the bank – popular with members of the Royal family (except Prince Andrew). Classified him as a “politically exposed person” or PEP, and said closing his bank accounts was part of a plan to castrate him politically and force him to go and live in Brussels.
The news of Lorraine’s alleged illicit activities quickly spread like a scoop of melting ice cream on a hot summer’s day.
Coutts, known for catering to the elite, released a statement defending their decision. They claimed to have uncovered “a vast network of illicit transactions” involving Lorraine’s ice cream van. “The sheer volume of ‘sprinkle’ expenses raised red flags,” the bank declared.
Banks taking the pistachios
Rumors began swirling around Lowestoft that Lorraine’s ‘cash only’ ice cream truck was a front for a major international cartel. However, skeptics argued that the only thing Lorraine had ever smuggled was extra Pistachios on a customer’s sundae. As the seaside town became a hub of media attention, the locals rallied around Lorraine. They organized a protest, brandishing ice cream cones and placards that read. “Justice for the Gelato Queen” and “Cones, Not Crimes!”
The uproar eventually reached the attention of doo-gooding ice cream giant, Ben & Jerry’s, who offered Lorraine their legal support. “If she was laundering money, it was the sweetest crime we’ve ever seen,” remarked the company’s CEO, clearly unable to resist a good pun.
In the end, the scandal turned out to be a hilarious mix-up and Coutts Bank later admitted their mistake. Blaming a computer glitch that misinterpreted ice cream sales as suspicious transactions.
Lorraine’s account was reinstated, and she received a formal apology from the bank’s CEO, along with a year’s supply of low cocoa-content flakes.
As Lorraine resumed her post at the seaside, doing what she does best. Scooping joy into sugar cones and dipping her finger in for a little lick. She couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all.
Little did she know that her newfound fame would lead to a surge in ice cream sales, as people from far and wide flocked to her truck, eager to taste the “notorious” flavors of the innocent ice cream money launderer.
BRISTOL, UK – A group of mature students from Bristol University has claimed that the French won the 1815 Battle of Waterloo.
According to their revisionist reinterpretation, the French under Napoleon Bonaparte are declared the victors of one of the most iconic battles in European history, and it’s all in the name of “principle.”
Get a proper job
The wet historians, none of whom have done a real day’s work in their lives. Argue that the British army, led by the indomitable Duke of Wellington,. Should never have been in Belgium in the first place.
In their newly crafted narrative: the educated idiots of Bristol University claim Britain’s Imperialist ambitions and relentless pursuit of colonial conquest were the real villains of the story.
According to Professor Sally Horsefacebitch, leader of woke revisionist brigade, ‘Put Wrongs Right’. “Wellington’s army was essentially an unwelcome guest at a wonderfully lovely Belgian party. The kindly French were merely defending their right to a soirée without intrusion. Snort.”
In reality…
The Duke of Wellington was a leading political and military figure of the 19th century. He is best known for kicking Napoleon Bonaparte’s arse at Waterloo in 1815. As a general, he was renowned for his effective defensive skills. His strategies are still studied in military academies today, except in Bristol.
Trigger warning
The ridiculously revised version of history (which comes with a trigger warning) goes on to depict the French troops. As peace-loving revolutionaries who were merely defending their territory against the encroaching British forces. In this alternative PC universe, Napoleon’s brilliant military strategies and his charisma are celebrated as heroic acts of resistance against British imperialism.
The British government has not officially responded to this Marxist retelling of the battle. Sources suggest they might soon “launch an inquiry into the matter” to ensure that “lessons are learned” from “historical mistakes that may have been made” – FFS.
Clarity on battle of Waterloo
In the end, whether you believe in this quirky historical reinterpretation or not.It’s clear that the Battle of Waterloo is no longer just a remnant from history. It’s an active battlefield in the ongoing war of woke historical narratives. Napoleon himself would likely raise an eyebrow and say, “Mon Dieu! Sacré bleu! Zut alors!”
Too much coffee has become the drug that alleviates the pain of living in modern British society.
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor
In a nation fueled not by the stiff-upper-lip resilience of yesteryear but rather by the ceaseless hum of espresso machines.
From the humble labourer clutching a takeaway cup at the suburban petrol station to the metropolitan. Elite sipping artisanal blends in Soho cafes. The ubiquitous nature of posh coffees suggests that, indeed, the sun never sets on the empire of caffeine.
Brits cant handle too much coffee
Gone are the days when Brits started their mornings with the comforting. Embrace of a piping-hot cup of tea or, at worst, a lukewarm mug of Mellow-Birds instant coffee, with the flavour of a muddy puddle. Today, the nation’s caffeine cravings can’t be satisfied with anything less than a well-pulled shot of espresso or the velvety smoothness of a meticulously crafted flat white.
Falter or filter
However, as the aroma of freshly ground beans wafts through the air, permeating every street corner and office space. It appears that even the most enchanting coffee brews are powerless against the myriad challenges faced by Britons in 2024. The never-ending cost-of-living crisis, the cacophony of global turmoil from Gaza to Brexit fallout. The laundry list of domestic woes seem impervious to the enchanting powers of a Piccolo Latte or a Long Macchiato adorned of course, with chocolate sprinkles.
Conclusion
In a world swirling with issues both great and small, it seems that no amount of caffeine can jolt the collective national spirit into perpetual elation. The endangered Javan Rhinoceros, rail strikes, transgender debates, and institutional woes at the BBC stand as formidable adversaries in the battle to turn Brits’ frowns upside down.
RAINBOW FARM, SUFFOLK – The Suffolk LGBTQI+ Society of Farmworkers (TSLGBTQI+SOF) has embarked on a mission to keep its members toasty on chilly days spent tossing root vegetables in the fields.
By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent
Recognizing the diverse identities and sexual orientations within its ranks, the society has unveiled a novel solution to the perennial problem of ‘cold cock’ with the distribution of free pig-themed knitted willie warmers.
Shrivelled chipolatas
With an estimated 6,000 Suffolk farmworkers identifying as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning, and intersex, the society aims to ensure that everyone, regardless of gender identity or expression, can enjoy snug comfort during the bollock-freezing months. The addition of the pig-themed design adds a touch of farmyard chic to these unique accessories.
As temperatures in the UK rarely rise above 8 degrees, the practicality of these knitted wonders is not lost on those who identify as ‘farmers with cocks’. Along with a few polygamous scarecrows, those workers who love banging on about their sexuality all the time, are sure to appreciate the snug knitwear as it will give them another excuse to fixate on each other’s balls.
Pork Sword
The pig-themed willie warmers have become a coveted accessory among the diverse farming community, so much so that several garments have found their way onto eBay selling for up to £80 per gonad.
Community leaders hope that the quirky self-indulgent rainbow initiative will not only ensure the well-being of its LGBTQI+ members, but also foster a sense of completely unnecessary inclusivity and camaraderie across the rainbow farms of Suffolk.
As chilly winds continue to sweep across the countryside, Suffolk’s LGBTQI+ farm workers can confidently face the elements with their man (or woman) hood wrapped up warmer than pigs in blankets.
STOWMARKET, SUFFOLK – The Stowmarket Scuba Association has relocated its headquarters to a rather unconventional venue. A humongous giant pothole on the B1113 outside Stowmarket in Suffolk.
The new snorkelling hotspot, affectionately dubbed the “Stowmarket Sinkhole,” is now the epicentre of subaquatic adventures for the 50 daring members of the scuba club.
The Association, dissatisfied with the limitations of its old home at the public baths. It was drawn to the allure of the colossal pothole after it emerged on the side of the road last month. At approximately 3.5 meters across and boasting a staggering 330,000 gallons of rainwater, the pothole is half the size of an Olympic swimming pool – albeit one with slightly less impressive changing rooms.
President quipped
Club president, Frank Saunders, expressed the club’s enthusiasm for the new location. “The club was looking for a location more resembling the great outdoors,”. He quipped, “and when we checked out the pothole, it was perfect, better still, it keeps getting bigger!”
The giant pothole
Local authorities, known for their lackadaisical approach to pothole maintenance, have attempted to take credit for the unconventional initiative. Town planner, Councillor Margaret Poole told the GAZETTE, “It was my idea. I thought of it first and anyone who says I didn’t is a LIAR. Where did you say it was again?”
Spelunk!
The club’s divers now plunge into the depths of the Stowmarket Sinkhole every weekend, discovering the hidden treasures that lurk within, from discarded traffic cones to the occasional lost bicycle.
As members of the public get used to the surreal sight of flippers and oxygen tanks emerging from a pothole that was once the bane of motorists, local frogmen and women boldly explore the uncharted waters of suburban spelunking.
