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All roads lead to Rome (except through Council construction)

The Editor
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All roads lead to Rome (except through Council construction)
All roads lead to Rome (except through Ipswich Council construction)

IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – Council construction workers in Ipswich have taken a leaf out of history. The history books to deflect complaints as they carry out roadworks in the town centre.

Property Correspondent: Ruth Tyler

A public notice erected near the council construction site reads, “Sorry for the inconvenience. If Rome was built in a day we would have used the same contractor.”

The tongue-in-cheek sign combines an apology for any disruption caused by the ongoing roadworks. With a famous historical reference to patience and perseverance. As residents and passersby navigate their temporarily torn-up streets. The sign offers a moment of pause for thought, reminding everyone that even the grandeur of Rome took time to realise.

Ipswich wasn’t built in a day

The builders, armed not only with jackhammers and concrete but also with a keen sense of historical irony. Harked back to the classical era in an attempt to deflect attention away from their snails’ pace progress.

It had taken a staggering 1,229 years to build Rome from its founding until its eventual collapse in 476 A.D. When Germanic tribes breached its borders. The sluggish council construction workers’ sign cheekily acknowledges that they are operating on a slightly tighter deadline.

Council construction workers

As the council construction workers continue to huff and puff over jackhammers and asphalt. The inconvenienced residents of Ipswich have accepted that, like Rome, some things are worth the wait—no matter how long it takes.

In the meantime: Quirky Norwich road signs to be torn down

A-Z makes motoring comeback

The Editor
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A-Z makes motoring comeback
A-Z makes motoring comeback

ICKLINGHAM, SUFFOLK –  Before the invention of satnav, an A-Z road map was a must-have for all UK motorists. Now dedicated Suffolk teacher, Mary Harper has taken the alphabet motoring back out on the road.

Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Miss Harper’s unyielding commitment to the cause of education has led her to transform the back of her trusty Honda Element SUV into a mobile alphabet classroom, providing an unconventional opportunity for high-speed language studies.

Driving lessons

Harper’s unique teaching aid comes in the form of alphabet magnets meticulously arranged across the rear of her vehicle. The Honda badge, now serving as the proud representative of the letter ‘H,’ is flanked by an array of magnetic letters populating the tailgate.

The strategically placed license plate, bearing the letters ‘QRTSTUV,’ adds a linguistic challenge to those motorists who enjoy playing the number plate game.

Alphabet motoring

Harper, a year 3 teacher at at Mudflap Primary School in Icklingham. Happily cruises the picturesque lanes of West Suffolk in her mobile alphabet gallery leaving an indelible impression on those trailing her Honda word-wonder.

Commuters and fellow motorists become students in the impromptu language class. Deciphering words and crafting sentences whilst stuck in school-run traffic jams.

B M W

Parents of Mudflap Primary students have commended Miss Harper’s innovative approach to education. Lauding her for turning the mundane school run into a grammatical adventure. The children eagerly anticipate the daily challenge of forming new words from the mesmerizing array of letters on their teacher’s car.

With her Honda Element doubling as a mobile classroom. Miss Harper is not just navigating the roads of West Suffolk. She’s steering the people of Icklingham towards a newfound appreciation for the art of language. One magic magnetic letter at a time.

Meanwhile: The REAL Mary Rose Tudor Warship Found in Woodbridge!

Full fat cream ‘special offer’ at Sainsbury’s

The Editor
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Full fat cream ‘special offer’ at Sainsbury’s
Full fat cream ‘special offer’ at Sainsbury’s

FRUIT AISLE, SAINSBURY’S – In news that would make Alan Carr blush. Sainsbury’s stores across the UK have found themselves embroiled in a scandal of saucy proportions after erecting a suggestive sign of a special offer in the fruit aisle.

With the words “plump, sweet, and begging for cream” boldly hung for all to see. Shoppers have found themselves torn between innocent interpretations and decidedly more lascivious ones.

While some have innocently assumed the message refers to the ripe and succulent strawberries on offer. Others have raised eyebrows at what they perceive as a veiled reference to the taboo gifting of a “Pear Necklace” to a wife by their husband.

Juicy plums

The over-sexualized nature of the message has left many customers feeling hot under the collar. With debates raging in aisles across the country over its intended meaning. While some insist that it’s simply a playful nod to the tantalizingly fresh produce available, others are convinced that there’s a deeper, more salacious subtext at play.

Of course, there are always those who take things a step further. With whispers circulating that the slogan may be a cheeky reference to the sexual preference of rotund pop sensation, Lizzo. However, such theories remain firmly in the minority, dismissed by many as nothing more than wild speculation.

Sainsbury’s special exotic offer

As Sainsbury’s scrambles to address the controversy, shoppers are left to ponder the true meaning behind the scandalous sign. One thing’s for certain: the next time you find yourself perusing the fruit section. You might just find yourself blushing at the thought of plump, sweet strawberries—and the squirt of fresh cream they’re begging for!

Meanwhile: Mum sues store after tripping over HER OWN daughter

Surgeon’s ‘Double d*ck’ cock-up ends up in court

The Editor
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Surgeon’s ‘Double d*ck’ cock-up ends up in court
Surgeon’s ‘Double d*ck’ cock-up ends up in court
Surgeon’s ‘Double d*ck’ cock-up ends up in court

BURY ST EDMUNDS, SUFFOLK – Bury resident decided to take his doctor to the court after a penis enlargement procedure took an unexpected and anatomically bewildering turn.

Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett

Dr. Raj, a private cosmetic surgeon known for his unorthodox methods. He found himself in hot water when he misinterpreted De Marriot’s request to “double it.” Unfortunately, the good doctor didn’t quite grasp that De Marriot was referring to doubling the length of his manhood, not the quantity.

The surgical mishap occurred when Dr. Raj, in an attempt to fulfil his patient’s wishes. He decided to stitch a second penis to De Marriot’s perineum. The area delicately situated between the anus and the scrotum.

In the aftermath of the botched cock job, the unintentional creation of a ‘double d*ck’ left both patient and doctor scratching their heads – and arses – in confusion.

Surgeon dragged at Court

After realizing that his singular request had been misinterpreted with humiliating consequences. De Marriot, 53, an Estate Agent, promptly took his case to court. Claiming damages for emotional distress, public embarrassment, and the cost of seven new pairs of underpants.

Double Whammy

While Dr. Raj defended his actions, arguing that he was merely following the patient’s explicit instructions, the court seemed sceptical. However, after requesting the surgeon’s contact number and rate card, Judge Grayson Bartholemew-Trinket (102) told De Marriot that in mitigation. He couldn’t find against the accused because in his words, “Two cocks in your hand is worth one in the bush.”

De Marriot, who was ordered to pay Dr Raj’s costs, left the courtroom arm-in-arm with the court stenographer and a young W.P.C.

Meanwhile: A middle-aged man has been forced to admit that he purchased a flash sports car to make up for his small penis.

Pub Landlord who installed sanitary towel machine in men’s toilet ‘taking the p*ss’ say regulars

The Editor
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Pub Landlord who installed sanitary towel machine in men’s toilet ‘taking the p*ss’ say regulars
Pub Landlord who installed sanitary towel machine in men’s toilet ‘taking the p*ss’ say regulars

MEN’s TOILET, GIPPING – Dave Biggle, landlord of the Black Bull pub in Gipping, Suffolk found himself embroiled in a sticky situation after installing a sanitary towel dispensing machine in the MEN’s toilet.

Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Twenty stone Biggle defended his decision by claiming it was a practical solution to a peculiar problem. The unsightly “dribble” that some of his male patrons experienced after a few too many pints.

Pub landlord claimed that some of his female customers had suggested the idea. They were repulsed by the sight of men’s ‘piss-stained trousers’ on nights spent at the pub.

Offensive vending machine

Dubbed the “Always Ultra” incident, the introduction of panty liners into the men’s restroom raised dubious eyebrows and sparked debate among regular pub-goers. However, the situation took a turn for the worse when one particularly macho patron took offence to the presence of the ‘girly’ vending machine.

Piss off

Incensed by what Pub landlord perceived as an affront to his masculinity. He took matters into his own hands—or rather, his own fists—and promptly ripped the machine from the wall with a primal roar. Witnesses described the disgruntled patron hurling the offending machine into the nearest lavatory bowl.

Regret of Pub landlord

As Pub landlord, Biggle surveyed the damage, he instantly regretted his decision. In hindsight, perhaps installing a ‘little blue pill’ machine would have been a safer bet.

England Pole Vault Gold “Built on hard work” says champion, Molly Caudery

The Editor
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England Pole Vault Gold “Built on hard work” says champion, Molly Caudery
England Pole Vault Gold “Built on hard work” says champion, Molly Caudery
England Pole Vault Gold “Built on hard work” says champion, Molly Caudery

GLASGOW ARENA – Molly Caudery, the indomitable 23-year-old English pole vaulter, clinched gold at the World Athletics Indoor Championships in Glasgow. Despite a calamitous first attempt that had the crowd gasping and giggling in equal measure.

Sports Correspondent: Jock Strapp

As the pressure mounted and nerves jangled in the electrified atmosphere of the Emirates arena. Molly Caudery approached the vault with the determination of a champion. Little did she know, fate had intervened when a misplaced scaffold pole. Courtesy of some hapless workmen tinkering on the exterior of the arena had found its way inside.

Raise the roof

With the eyes of the world upon her, Caudery’s initial attempt ended not with a triumphant leap. But with a cacophony of clanks and clangs as the rogue pole, selected in error by Caudery, collided with the hurdle and clattered loudly to the ground. To cheers and applause from the supportive audience, Caudery, unhurt in the incident, brushed off the blunder with a shrug and a smile, ready to tackle the next attempt head-on.

England Pole Vault Gold “Built on hard work” says champion, Molly Caudery

Undeterred by the comedic mishap, Molly Caudery rallied with a resilience befitting a champion. Soaring over the bar with grace and precision on her subsequent attempts. As her competitors stumbled and faltered, Caudery stood tall, her determination unwavering, her focus unbreakable.

The real gold

In a heart-pounding finale that had spectators on the edge of their seats. Caudery emerged victorious, securing a well-deserved gold medal and etching her name into the annals of sporting legend. As the cheers of the crowd echoed through the arena, Caudery stood triumphant. A testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of perseverance in the face of adversity.

“I’m living my dream,” Caudery told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE. “I honestly can’t believe I’m a world champion in an Olympic year. To go from injury to world level was hard enough. To be a world indoor champion is astonishing to me. It’s not sunk in.”

Of the scaffold pole, a mildly embarassed Caudery said, “My uncle will be laughing at that – he’s a scaffolder!”

The happy ending

In the end, it was not the mishap of a misplaced pole that defined Molly Caudery’s journey to glory. But her unwavering determination, unyielding spirit, and sheer love for the sport. As she stood atop the podium, basking in the glow of her hard-earned victory. Caudery, looking delightful in her lycra sports kit and worker’s hard hat,  proved that even in the face of adversity. Dreams can soar to ever greater heights.

Meanwhile: Scotland team to wear sun hats for today’s scorching Euros opener

Modern Art: Is it sh*t?

The Editor
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Modern Art: Is it sh*t?
Modern Art: Is it sh*t?
Modern Art: Is it sh*t?

IPSWICH TOWN CENTRE – In the heart of Ipswich, a modern art sculpture has become the latest canvas for public commentary, sparking a viral sensation after being adorned with less-than-glowing feedback.

Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

A tweet, featuring a snapshot of the statue outside Ipswich Central Station, quickly gained traction as hundreds of amused onlookers weighed in on the graffiti’s blunt assessment: “Fuck is this?”

More diversity

The subject of this artistic critique? None other than the Millennium Milepost, originally unveiled in the year 2000 to aid navigation along the National Cycle Network. With its recent relocation to Dope Street and a fresh makeover in August, the sculpture found itself thrust into the spotlight once again—albeit not in the manner its creators had envisioned.

A spokesperson for Ipswich Arts Council said of the installation: “Artists from across the four countries of the United Kingdom were commissioned to design Millennium Mileposts and more than 1,000 were installed across all corners of the UK.

Following our diversity and inclusivity policy, the artist selected to create our sculpture… was blind.”

Modern art sculpture failure

The Millennium Mileposts were intended to serve as functional landmarks for pedestrians and cyclists alike. Yet, despite their noble purpose, not even these well-intentioned sculptures were immune to Ipswich folk’s unfiltered candour.

Indeed, in a city known for its no-nonsense attitude and straight-talking residents, the graffiti incident served as a blunt reminder of Ipswich’s dry charm. “Brutal… but honest,” remarked one observer, encapsulating the sentiment shared by many.

Perhaps the most observant criticism of all offered on social media was an uncanny comparison to TVs Lisa Simpson, Doh!

Meanwhile: British Museum stole our ancient stone – Egypt blamed

Pissing pooch finds missing pedestrian in pub walk pothole

The Editor
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Pissing pooch finds missing pedestrian in pub walk pothole
Pissing pooch finds missing pedestrian in pub walk pothole

MILDENHA|LL, SUFFOLK – Lager drinker, Kevin Applegate from Mildenhall in Suffolk, found himself stuck in a 5-foot pothole during a drunken stroll home from the pub.

Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters

Applegate, who is unemployed and still lives with his parents, failed to return home after a night at the Horseshoe pub, less than a mile from his home, leading his concerned mother to alert the cops. Despite a half-hearted search effort by emergency services, Applegate remained lost, hidden from view within the grass-covered abyss of his pothole prison.

Would-be rescuers scoured the area in vain and friends and family distributed leaflets offering a £5 reward for information throughout the neighbourhood.

Thirty-six hours later, with hope dwindling for the feckless layabout, Bryan Smelling, a local dog walker out with his faithful companion, Izzy, a Labrador Retriever, inadvertently stumbled upon the scene of Applegate’s misfortune. It was Izzy’s keen nose and full bladder that led Smelling to investigate a peculiar clump of dead brown grass by the roadside that Izzy was using as a toilet. Upon closer inspection, the clump turned out to be none other than Applegate’s unkempt hair.

Pothole & Pub combo

Smelling called 999 and soon rescuers had sprung into action, releasing Applegate from his subterranean nightmare. As he emerged, dishevelled but unharmed, Applegate shook his hair free of dog urine and explained his 36-hour ordeal to reporters.

As for the pothole itself, Suffolk Council says it has added it to the list.

Meanwhile: Pothole art avenger ‘Wanksy’ targets Suffolk streets

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