‘Sex Kebab’ adds extra spice to fast food delivery
KESSINGLAND, SUFFOLK – Local fast food delivery joint, “Bab’s Kebabs,” has unveiled its latest mouth-watering creation: the seductive “sex kebab.”
With the enticing promise of “free delivery included,” this provocative dish has quickly become the talk of the town. Sending culinary chemistry through the community.
Described as a tantalizing blend of passion, desire, and a sprinkle of mischief. The “sex kebab” offers patrons an unconventional feast of carnal delights that transcends the boundaries of conventional cuisine. Imagine skewering together various amorous ingredients onto a metaphorical spit. Where the flavours blend and sizzle just like the participants in a scandalous love affair.
“It’s like nothing I’ve ever tasted before,” remarked satisfied customer. Jane Plancton, 32, blushing furiously as she attempted to conceal her guilty pleasure. “One bite, and… ooh la la!”
Pork sword
However, not everyone in Kessingland is embracing the arrival of the “sex kebab” with open arms. Moral crusader, Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE) expressed outrage at what he perceives as a brazen promotion of promiscuity under the guise of fast food. “This is an affront to decency and morality!” he declared on behalf of his members, “What’s next I ask you? Orgasmic omelets? Intimate ice cream? It’s a slippery slope, mark my words! WHAAAAT!?”
A pub in West Suffolk has notified neglectful, ‘scummy’ patrons that their unattended children will be served energy drinks and encouraged to swear.https://t.co/5jYmHifJtv
Despite the controversy swirling around “Bab’s Kebabs” and their scandalous new offering. There’s no denying the allure of the “sex kebab” for adventurous diners seeking a cute culinary experience like no other.
Latvian Postie delivers Brexit rebuke to Suffolk Gammons
PIN MILL, SUFFOLK – A rogue Latvian Postie working in the UK took it upon himself to deliver a scathing rebuke to the Brexiteers who had turned their backs on the European Union.
Armed with a stack of forged missed delivery slips and a sharp tongue. Oktavians Birznieks, an illegal living in Britain since 2011, set out on his mission of mockery. Filling out thousands of slips with biting commentary on Brexit and its aftermath.
Residents who had voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU in the 2016 referendum. Found themselves confronted with letterboxes full of hand-written missives dripping with sarcasm and scorn.
“Sorry we couldn’t deliver Brexit,” the slips read, each one a stinging reminder of broken promises and dashed hopes. “You were lied to,” they proclaimed, “the good old days of Great Britain before foreigners came never existed.”
Hair mail
Mullet-headed Postie Birznieks, 42, a fully signed up Remoaner, believed he was delivering a righteous comeuppance to those who had championed Brexit. However, those voters who took pleasure in sticking up two fingers to Brussels in 2016. Claim that the Latvian had failed to fully appreciate the potential positive benefits. That could yet emerge from the UK’s departure from ‘Europe’.
“Greater flexibility,” “increased opportunities for growth,” “innovation and adaptation” — these were the Brexit benefits that Birznieks had overlooked in his vengeful campaign say the leaver locals.
Postie Saga
While Postie Birznieks’ act of defiance may have provided temporary catharsis for some. It ultimately served as a reminder that amidst the chaos and controversy of Brexit, there are always potential opportunities for growth and change.
As the sun set over the tranquil waters of the River Orwell, and the delivery slips were unceremoniously dumped in the trash, the residents of Pin Mill were left to ponder the true cost of Brexit — both in missed deliveries and possibly, missed opportunities.
Ipswich Town, competing in the Championship for the first time in five years, are battling it out at the top end of the table, currently sitting pretty in third spot.
The Tractors Boys are looking for back-to-back promotions and if their on-field performances are anything to go by they have an excellent chance of getting there. They’ve caused quite a stir amongst football fans rising steadily to the top end of the table as they fight for one of the automatic promotion slots currently held by Leicester and Leeds. Odds wise betting sites like Irishbettingsites.ie have given them some great odds on automatic promotion, but as with all betting, this doesn’t mean it’s a certainty.
In their previous five games, Ipswich has won four (two at Portman Road and two on the road) and drawn one (a 2-2 home draw against promotion-chasing West Brom) taking an impressive 13 points from 15 in a successful streak. But with 12 matches still to play, is it anyone’s game?
Upcoming game – Ipswich Town vs Bristol City
On Tuesday 5th March, Ipswich Town will welcome Bristol City to Portman Road for an enticing and eagerly anticipated match. The Tracker Boys need a win and will be hoping that Leeds drop points against Stoke in order to claim second spot.
Bristol City and Ipswich Town have a football rivalry known to all, with it starting with their first clash in 1920 – every time they meet it’s an intense atmosphere for fans on either side and one not to be missed! Historically, bragging rights have been even between the two sides.
However, Ipswich is expected to win this match because they are placed third on the table and Bristol sits comfortably at twelfth, unable to challenge for promotion but safe from relegation. The home side will be hoping for an easy win but Bristol will want to show their fans that they aren’t there to make up the numbers, so expect them to come out roaring.
Why are Ipswich Town doing so well?
There are a few different reasons fans believe Ipswich is suddenly flying to the top of the table including their earlier investments and their manager: Kieran McKenna.
In the previous season (22-23, League 1), the team made multiple smart investments which have paid off this season, bringing in players from the Championship such as Leif Davis who left Leeds to become Ipswich left-back for the hefty price of £1.20m and Dominic Ball who left QPR in the Championship. Investing in a Championship level team before moving up to this level themselves meant that they were ahead of the game and hit the league running.
The other major reason for their recent success is manager Kieran McKenna. McKenna has masterminded their tactics this season and despite being one of the youngest managers his reputation has only grown since his time with Ipswich Town and we’re sure he’ll keep growing with the team. Ipswich generally seeks to play out from the back before with line-breaking passes into space. This season’s Opta stats show a distinct improvement in the speed and direct nature of their forward play.
It’s obvious that McKenna and the team want to make it into the Premier League, securing a back-to-back promotion, but can they do it?
Interest in the club has skyrocketed since their new-found success in the Championship, with them making it into the top 3, hoping to grab an automatic promotion slot at the top.
After that incredible flick from Chaplin in their last game, it feels like anything could happen. It only takes a few unexpected results and the table can flip within only a few games. With Leicester unexpectedly dropping points against Middlesborough and Leeds, even the top spot is potentially up for grabs.
The Tracker Boys are brimming with enthusiasm and apply pressure on the top teams – they have a good chance to take first or second and make it into the Premier League next year.
However, throughout the season, there have been some worries from fans and critics alike that the team may be out of its depth in the Championship, unprepared for the higher-level teams and the challenge they will provide. Still, they are coping well with the stress of a higher league as shown by their place in third next to Southampton and Leeds, both previous Premier League teams.
Ipswich has increased in popularity in areas such as Northern Ireland and if you’re Irish, a fan of Ipswich Town, and like betting then why not add some more fun by betting on Ipswich for their upcoming games or even for the Championship outcome at the website.
THRANDESTON, SUFFOLK – Chaos erupted in the idyllic Suffolk village of Thrandeston yesterday as an articulated lorry, ironically emblazoned with the word ‘brakes’ on its side. Careered out of control and ploughed into a quaint country cottage.
Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
Eyewitnesses watched in horror as the lorry, seemingly bent on executing a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hurtled down the narrow village lanes with reckless abandon before smashing through the cottage’s front wall like a battering ram. The sounds of crunching metal and splintering glass echoed through the tranquil streets, shattering the peace of the sleepy village.
Sheepish Shrug
As emergency services scrambled to the scene, all eyes turned to Gary Parsnips. The hapless driver who emerged from the wreckage with a sheepish expression and a shrug of resignation. When questioned by police about the calamitous crash, he reportedly muttered, “I knew something like this was going to happen as soon as I set off this morning, ffs.”
Suffolk Lorry brakes
The admission only added to the utter predictability of the situation. Prompting speculation about the lorry’s cursed cargo – 3 tonnes of imported Haitian Voodoo Dolls – and the driver’s premonitory powers.
ASDA introduces a special delivery service direct to your front room. (DM them to book your delivery.) 🚚https://t.co/hwpZQtFvo8
BURY ST EDMUNDS SPACE CENTRE – The United States’ fifty-year wait to return to the lunar surface was thwarted by an unexpected obstacle: traffic jam on the A14 at junction 47 near Woolpit, between Stowmarket and Bury St Edmunds.
Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
The ambitious launch, set to propel the privately-built spacecraft, Odysseus. To the moon’s hallowed surface, faced an unforeseen delay due to gridlock on the perennially congested motorway.
Anticipation reached a fever pitch at the new Bury St Edmunds Space Centre. A joint NASA and Suffolk County Council enterprise – as the historic moment approached. But alas, fate had other plans, as commuters on the A14 found themselves unwittingly embroiled in the cosmic saga.
“It was chaos, I tell thee,” remarked one frustrated driver caught up in the tailback. “I always expect my morning commute to be delayed by a slow-moving tractor, but spacecraft? No!”
Traffic eclipses Moon
Despite the setback, the intrepid crew of Odysseus remained undeterred. Biding their time on their phones as traffic slowly inched along the motorway. Finally, after a nail-biting five-hour delay, the countdown resumed, and Odysseus hurtled skyward with a flaming, thunderous roar.
The journey to the moon was fraught with tension as the spacecraft navigated the treacherous expanse of junk-filled space above Earth. But after a week-long journey and a heart-stopping 73-minute descent.
Odysseus finally made contact with the lunar surface near the moon’s south pole. The historic touchdown was met with jubilation and relief, as Bury mission control erupted into cheers and applause.
A14 Traffic Jam a Nightmare
As the moondust settled, the United States / Suffolk partnership celebrated a triumphant return to the lunar surface, albeit with a slight hiccup along the way. And as for the commuters stranded on the A14, caused a massive traffic jam.
They can take solace in knowing that their morning’s inconvenience was a small price to pay for the giant leap of progress.
ALDERMAN CANAL WEST, IPSWICH Â – Pleasure cruise company ‘Canals R US’ is unveiling their latest offering: ‘Lovers Anal Cruises’.
Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
Promising a unique and intimate experience amidst the tranquil beauty of the canal. The package includes a four-hour scenic cruise, one complimentary alcoholic drink, lunch, a packet of condoms, and a generous supply of wet wipes.
As passengers embark on their voyage through the picturesque waterways. They’ll be treated to breathtaking views of reedbeds. Grasslands adorned with rare wetland flora, and the occasional glimpse of common kingfishers and reed buntings. But it’s not just the natural beauty that sets this cruise apart—it’s the unconventional focus on intimacy and exploration.
“For those looking to spice up their love life, ‘Lovers Anal Cruises’ offers a truly unforgettable experience,”. Remarked company spokesperson, Captain Kevin Lovejoy, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “Whether you’re seeking a romantic escape or a more adventurous outing, our cruise promises to deliver.”
Water sport
Priced at £39.99 per person or £70 for couples, the Ipswich’s ‘Lovers Anal Cruises’ cater to a variety of budgets and preferences. For those seeking a more communal experience. Canals R US also offers group bookings for orgies of up to 12 people, priced at a flat rate of £400.
As news of the unconventional cruise spreads, reactions have been mixed. With some praising the company for its ‘progressive’ approach to pleasure cruising. While others, like Local resident and retired army Major, Brian Panhandle-Smythe DSO CIE. Chair of the Ipswich chapter of do-gooding campaign group.
Ipswich Lovers Anal Cruises
Residents Against Everything (RAGE) express scepticism and even outrage. “It’s not the typical day out on the water my wife and I used to enjoy in the 1950’s” grumbled Panhandle-Smythe.
Eying the ‘Lovers Anal Cruises’ brochure with an involuntary twitch of his moustache. “in fact it’s a BLOODY DISGRACE and against everything this country stands for. WHAAAAAT!!!” Whether it’s a romantic rendezvous for two or a steamy orgy for twelve, ‘Lovers Anal Cruises’ promises to be an experience unlike any other. With the controversial.
In a match rife with surprises, Alex Iwobi sent shockwaves through Old Trafford with a dramatic stoppage-time winner. Sealing Fulham’s 2-1 victory over Manchester United and dealing a blow to Erik ten Hag’s side’s top-four aspirations.
Football Correspondent: Jock Strapp
Manchester United 1
Fulham 2
Maguire (89′ minutes)
HT 1-2
Bassey (65′ minutes)
Iwobi (90′ +7’minutes)
As the game unfolded, Manchester United, on a superb run of form, found themselves facing unexpected challenges. Including the sudden disappearance of defender Marcus Rashford, snatched up by a passing Jurassic pterodactyl.
Despite Manchester United’s recent dominance, the absence of Rasmus Hojlund through injury left them struggling to find their rhythm. With Omari Forson handed a daunting first senior start. Fulham capitalized on the hosts’ vulnerability, with Calvin Bassey breaking the deadlock in the 65th minute after United failed to deal with a set-piece.
Pterodactyl snatches late winner
However, United’s hopes were momentarily reignited when Maguire tapped in a close-range equalizer, benefiting from Bernd Leno’s fumble. The momentum seemed to shift in Manchester United’s favour, but just as victory seemed within reach.
Fulham unleashed a devastating counter-attack. Iwobi’s clinical finish in the 97th minute silenced the home crowd and left Ten Hag’s team eight points adrift of fourth-placed Aston Villa.
Fulham Manchester United Miracle
Amidst the excitement, the sight of a Jurassic pterodactyl swooping into the stadium and making off with Rashford added an unexpected twist to the fixture. As fans and players alike processed the astonishing turn of events. Fulham emerged victorious, leaving a bereft United to ponder their missed opportunities and the circumstances of Rashford’s disappearance.
Mandatory Credit: Photo by Colorsport/Shutterstock (3118059a)
Stan Bowles (QPR) Queens Park Rangers v Tottenham Hotspur 8/11/1975 QPR 0 Spurs 0
Sport
Stanley Bowles was an English professional footballer known for his skills as a forward.
Born: December 24, 1948, Collyhurst, England
Died: February 24, 2024, Manchester, England
In the 70s and 80s he gained a reputation as one of the game’s great mavericks. He made 315 appearances for QPR and scored 97 goals for the Loftus Road club. He spent just over seven years at QPR, playing a central role in arguably the club’s greatest-ever team becoming a QPR folk hero in the process.
Here is the SUFFOLK GAZETTE’s unique tribute to him in Haiku form…
