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Posh seaside shops get Budget boost

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Posh seaside shops get Budget boost

By Foo Tse, Economics Editor (on secondment from the Peking Times)

Chancellor George Osborne has unveiled a one-off tax break to dozens of specialist shops in seaside towns that sell over-priced interior goods, designer children’s wear and posh food.

Suffolk’s high-class coastal towns including Aldeburgh, Southwold and Walberswick will qualify for the special tax break which will apply to all shops owned by the partners of London-based media executives.

In today’s much-anticipated Budget, Mr Osborne has relaxed Corporation Tax specifically for those owners, discounting the 20 per cent rate by half.

suffolk-coastPelmets

In his final Budget speech before a Tory walkover in the Eastern Counties, Mr Osborne said: “Those little shops now infest high streets called things like Mummy’s Kitchen and Debbie’s Delights

“They deliver such a useful service to the economies of struggling coastal towns that I feel compelled to give them the tax breaks they deserve.”

To qualify for the new tax break the shops must be owned by the partners of ex-pat Londoners and the goods they sell must be deemed to be appealing to the so-called “Yummy Mummy” – and have no apparent practical use.

The news was welcomed by Hermione Chomondely-Battersea, owner of Pippa’s Pelmets in Southwold.

Election bribe

She squeaked: “This is just amazing. It will be really handy when it comes to selling my hand-made curtain coverings because I can normally only add a 250 per cent margin. Cheers to Mr Osborne! Amazing.”

It is estimated by experts at the Suffolk Higher Institute for Taxation the tax-tweak looks set to save the owners up to £1,000 a week in the high season – a move which could cost the Treasury more than £500,000 a year.

Prof Ron Cobblers, head spokesman for SHIT, said: “It would be easy to think this pointless gesture to the dopey wives of rich London-based media executives could be a blatant election bribe in a county which already thinks these shops are silly and pointless.”

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Poldark to ride in Grand National

The Editor
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Poldark to ride in Grand National

Dashing Cornishman Ross Poldark is a shock entry for the Grand National, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Trainers have been impressed with the handsome star’s riding skills on Sunday night prime-time TV hit, Poldark.

He spends most of each hour-long episode riding his horse along Cornwall cliff tops at breakneck speed, despite wearing a huge hat and cape.

Horse racing experts spotted his talent and soon made discreet enquiries to Poldark’s Cornish estate about signing him up for the big race at Aintree next month.

Newmarket trainer Leicester Biggot got his man and will now partner Poldark with his much-fancied horse Adnams Bitter in the Grand National.

Speaking from his famous Suffolk yard, Biggot said: “Poldark shows exceptional speed and skill on his horse every Sunday night on television.

“And he does this time and again – it’s almost as though he does nothing else. No wonder his family mining operation ground to a halt.

“Now I can put his riding skills to good use in the biggest horse race on earth.”

poldark-horse

Poldark training for the Grand National
Bookies have already made Poldark even money to win the National on Adnams Bitter.

Paddy Power’s Kenny Wynn said: “It’s safe to say Poldark will be the housewives’ favourite for the Grand National this year.”

The Suffolk Gazette tried to contact Poldark in the 18th Century for a comment, but he was out riding along a remote Cornish clifftop.

But his alluring kitchen wench said: “He does love to mount up and have a good ride.

“And he definitely likes finishing first.”

Queen bans selfie sticks

The Editor
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By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen has banned selfie sticks from all her palaces – because they upset her beloved Corgies.

Royal staff noticed the dogs thought they were sticks to be thrown so they could chase and retrieve them.

But the pampered pooches then became sad when all people did was use them to take pictures of themselves.

The problem became acute outside Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle, where thousands of visitors were using selfie sticks each day.

And the news will come as further blow to selfie-stick lovers, coming after a number of institutions like the National Gallery also imposed a ban.

A Buckingham Palace source told the Suffolk Gazette: “The Corgies were yapping constantly because they kept seeing people with sticks at the gates.

“They assumed the were to be thrown for them, so they could have a game. But the tourists simply attached cameras to the sticks and took pictures of themselves.

“The Queen was furious. She hates anything that might upset the precious Royal Corgies – so she has ordered a blanket selfie-stick ban.

“Anyone spotted using them outside the Palace will be asked politely to stop by soldiers on sentry duty.”

Worryingly, the source added: “If they still persist, Her Majesty has ordered staff to set the dogs on them.”

The Royal ban was criticised last night by Suffolk selfie-stick manufacturer IStickitupyou Ltd. Sales Director Yassir Ikanboogie said: “I think the Queen has been a little too quick off the mark here.

“Selfie sticks provide a perfect way for visitors to record moments to be treasured for ever with their cameras and iPhones.

“Now their last photos could be of themselves being chased by a pack of snarling Corgies.”

IStickitupyou, which is based in Framlingham and employs 2,600 people, has been making selfie sticks for 75 years, and now fears redundancies.

buckingham-palace-selfie

A tourist’s selfie at Buckingham Palace
But a spokesman for the Kennel Club was pleased with the Royal ban. “Dogs can easily get confused by selfie sticks. They always want to play, and so will become frustrated when no-one throws the stick for them.”

Rob Banks released

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Rob Banks released

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Gazette Crime Editor Rob Banks will not be charged with bribing public officials, police confirmed today.

Mr Banks had been arrested for allegedly paying a police gardener for information that led to a string of huge exclusives about Suffolk Police’s Apache helictoper – including the fact that it accidentally blew up a vicarage.

He has been held in a cell for more than a week, but police, whose toilets are closed for repairs, say they have nothing to go on.

Banks, 34, from Cockfield, said he was delighted to be released, and was looking forward to getting back to work on the Suffolk Gazette.

“It’s been difficult for my family,” he said. “But the support of the Suffolk Gazette readers has been huge. I know for a fact that the Chief Constable is a keen reader, so that probably helped.”

But the Suffolk Gazette Editor is still to carry out an internal investigation after Banks admitted submitting some dodgy expense claims following his coffee and cakes with the police gardener.

The Editor said: “I will deal with Banks privately. But I will say I am delighted he has been released without charge. He is a fine reporter.”

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World’s first left-handed cricket bat

The Editor
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One of cricket’s major problems has been solved by a Suffolk business – which has developed the world’s first left-handed cricket bat.

Using technology loosely based on America’s left-handed baseball bats, the new product will allow left-handed batsmen to have proper equipment for the first time.

No longer will famous left handers like West Indian legend Brian Lara or England’s David Gower have to make do with right-handed bats, which means they have to use the back of the bat when they play.

Mr Joe King, chief executive of Stowmarket-based Iffy Products, explained: “We saw how they developed a baseball bat for left handers in the United States, and realised the same hush-hush technology could be used in cricket bats.

“We developed the bat over many years and have finally come up with the perfect solution.

“Some may say it looks exactly like a right-handed bat. But that is deliberate, so that left handers do not feel different to the right-handed majority.”

Mr King explained that the bats would come with a reasonable price tag of £899, or £1,500 for two. “It’s a brilliant deal, and one that could make England world beaters if they sign up as our exclusive endorser,” he said.

He added it was a shame former England captain David Gower had retired from cricket. “I am confident Gower would have been a keen fan of our left-handed bat,” Mr King said.

However, the product was called into question by Suffolk’s Trading Standards department.

A spokesman said: “These left-handed bats look remarkably like normal cricket bats. In fact, we struggle to find any difference, and as far as we know left-handed batsmen use normal bats like everyone else.”

England’s David Gower with The Ashes

Fury as woman receives private, non-sales phone call

The Editor
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Fury as woman receives private, non-sales phone call

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Correspondent

There was widespread anger across Suffolk today when a woman revealed she had received a private phone call from a member of her family.

Tracy McDougal, from Halesworth, was sitting at home watching television at 8.30pm on Friday when her house telephone rang for the 17th time that evening.

But she was shocked to discover it was her sister, Beryl from Southampton, and not a sales call.

Like everyone else, Tracy, 35, is used to a reassuring constant stream of calls selling payment protection compensation, solar panels and personal injury claims, so getting a phone call from someone she actually knew was an upsetting jolt.

“How can this be allowed to happen?” wailed Tracy, who works in a bacon factory. “We all know phones are meant to be used only by persistent cold callers.

“I don’t know what Beryl was thinking of – it’s not as though she had anything interesting to say.”

Tracy McDougal chatting to a double glazing salesman
Tracy is now considering making a complaint to the OFCOM, the telecoms watchdog. “Let’s just say Beryl won’t be ringing me again. I had a call from a nice man from India selling stock investments, and he said he had tried earlier but my phone was engaged. It’s so annoying for him.

“It just goes to show what a nuisance private calls are.”

A spokesman for OFCOM said Suffolk residents worried about nuisance private phone calls should sign up with their free telephone preference service, which blocks calls from friends and family.

“It’s a free service and it can save you hours of frustration, 24/7.”

Mrs McDougal’s local MP, Suffolk Coastal’s Terese White-Coffey, said she would be writing to OFCOM to demand action.

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Our crime editor Rob Banks arrested

The Editor
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Our crime editor Rob Banks arrested

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime correspondent

Rob Banks, Suffolk Gazette’s esteemed Crime Editor, has been arrested by detectives investigating alleged corrupt payments to public officials.

Cops suspect Banks, 34, from Cockfield, near Sudbury, bought a Suffolk Police HQ gardener a cup of tea in order to gain information for a string of impressive scoops, including his recent exclusive story about the Suffolk Police Apache helicopter blowing up a vicarage.

Banks is the latest in a worrying list of journalists to be arrested for allegedly paying public officials, including a number of senior staff at The Sun newspaper.

His luxury house was raided at dawn yesterday while he slept inside with his two cats and someone else’s wife.

A police insider (whom Suffolk Gazette did not pay or bribe in any way to get this quote) said: “The top brass suspected for some time that Rob Banks was paying someone on the inside.

“His tremendous scoops about the force Apache helicopter were the last straw, and they decided to arrest Banks as part of Operation Elveden, which is being led by the Metropolitan Police to crack down on journalists and corrupt officials.”

Banks’ laywer, Sue Grabbit, from Sue Grabbit and Run solicitors said: “I can confirm our client Mr Banks was arrested at 5.30am yesterday. He is yet to be charged with any offence, and maintains his innocence.

“He claims specifically that the Suffolk Police gardener actually bought HIM the cup of tea, and therefore no offence was committed.

“However, he does admit taking a number of blank invoices from the cafe and using them to make false expense claims at the Suffolk Gazette, and that is a matter being dealt with privately by the paper’s Editor.”

Banks’ neighbours in sleepy Cockfield last night spoke of their shock at the arrest. One, Doris Morris, said: “We were woken up by a terrible commotion. I heard police sirens and screeching tyres, so shook my husband, Norris Morris, and told him to look out of the bedroom window.

“There were ten police cars and a police van, and he said he saw that nice Mr Banks being led out in handcuffs.

“I hope they let him out soon. He’s a very nice man.”

A Suffolk Police spokesman said: “We can not comment on this case.

“Unless you give us £100 in a brown envelope.”

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Giant Turnip Of The East sculpture approved

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Giant Turnip Of The East sculpture approved

EXCLUSIVE, By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A 100-metre-tall sculpture of a giant turnip is to be built alongside the A14 as a dramatic welcome to Suffolk visitors.

Following the success of the Angel Of The North, built in Gateshead in 1998, Suffolk tourist bosses wanted to create a similar contemporary sculpture that would be the envy of the rest of the country.

A competition was held throughout Suffolk to come up with ideas, and entries were narrowed down to the Turnip Of The East and a similar idea for a giant pea, backed by the We Need A Pea campaign.

A special reader vote in the Suffolk Gazette saw the Turnip Of The East being the runaway winner.

Work is due to begin next year, and famous turnip-loving artist Cedric Baldrick is expected to build it.

The exact site for the Turnip Of The East is still being discussed, but one favoured spot is beside the A14 near Newmarket, where the giant vegetable will be a stunning figure towering over the famous horseracing course.

a-turnipTurnip for the books: sculpture will be a world-class attraction
A tourism department insider said: “The Turnip Of The East will be a remarkable gateway to Suffolk. Motorists heading east along the A14 will be in awe of the giant sculpture as they arrive in the county past Newmarket.

“And it will be the last thing people see when they leave Suffolk, providing an everlasting, treasured memory of the county.”

A spokesman for Suffolk County Council said: “We are confident the Turnip Of The East will be even more popular than the Angel Of The North, and it will promote Suffolk as a rural delight to be savoured.

“The giant turnip will celebrate Suffolk’s agricultural heritage, and there is no doubt it will be the talk of the whole country.”

Plans for the turnip show it will be made of weather-resistant fibreglass, and will have an internal lift system, so visitors will be able to soar 100 metres into the air and stand on a viewing platform on top of the turnip.

The project is expected to cost £22 million, and will be paid for by an increase in grateful Suffolk residents’ council tax.

However, mobile phone manufacturers will be expected to contribute to the cost by paying to put their masts on top, disguised as green turnip leaves.

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