By Evan Elpuss, Religious Affairs Correspondent

Church goers are failing to eat enough chocolate over the Easter break, according to one enraged Suffolk clergyman.

The Rt Rev Ferraro Lindt, Bishop of Walsingham-le-Willows, has deplored the decline in sales of Britain’s favourite confectionery, as health-conscious congregations turn their backs on ancient, long-standing traditions of the religious holiday.

“People seem to have lost touch with the Easter message, which should be about chocolate eggs, chocolate rabbits, chocolate chickens and boxes of chocolate.”

Numerous church-led initiatives to engage more potential churchgoers in an annual chocfest have apparently fallen on deaf ears. Church leaders even dressed up in rabbit costumes to give away chocolate goodies.

A vicar dressed up as an Easter bunnyBishop Lindt said that after one failed plan, his church was left ‘stacked almost to the rafters’ with scores of boxes of uneaten eggs.

“Last year we thought we had nailed it by handing out free Easter eggs in the county’s churches, but people thought we were just hammering home the Easter message too much.

“As spiritual leaders of the community, we have been trying our best to engage a new congregation, but we have been coming under increasing criticism for trying to promote a traditional approach to religion.

“It seems that bashing the bishop has become a national pass time. We are doing our best to beat off the competition but there are just too many options out there,” he railed.

Churches are ramming home the choccie messageBishop Lindt said he had all but given up on his congregation. “I’ll probably just spend Easter hanging out with a couple of friends.”

“We all have our crosses to bear,” he sighed.

By Polly Ticks, Political Editor

The Suffolk Independence Referendum has resulted in an overwhelming ‘Yes’ vote, meaning the county will rule itself from next month.

But what changes lay ahead for the good people of the county?

Changes to Suffolk’s Future
Currency Changes: The new currency will be Suffolk Dollars, with $1,000 Suffolk Dollars being equivalent to two shillings. All sterling currency will be burnt or melted during the Suffolk Independence Day Parade on April 1.

Language: The new local language shall be named “Suffikish”. All households will be sent translation dictionaries in due course. Old English, New English, Web Slang and Urban Slang will be outlawed by the Suffolk Sherriff June Brown, aka Dot Cotton (see tips from the new language at the bottom of this article).

Border Policy: Existing UK Passports will be valid until the end of 2015. Suffolks will be able to leave and come as the please, however all non Suffolks will require a Visa or Debit card issued from the RBS (Royal Bank of Suffolk). The Royal Bank of Scotland, at first outraged with the copyright infringement, soon calmed down after some Suffolk Whiskey, and insisted: “Och aye, we will support th’ suffolk dollar,” or something similar, along those lines.

Health Care: One book of plasters will be issued to all households once per month. Links to YouTube videos will be available for all other medical emergencies, 24 hours per day. Suffolk’s own Dr Surresh Getawells said: “These days Google can explain ways to get better more than most GPs. Toothpaste is often the answer.”

Flag: Changes to the flag are not final, but after a $7 million Suffolk Dollars investment in the county’s future, the first mock-up is available..

Suffolk has a population of over 730,000, and each of the 73 sheep represent 10,000 residents. We’d like to the world to take note that we are not sheep, we are independent!

*Translations from English to Suffikish
Hello = Helloolk.
Goodbye = Reverseolk Helloolk.
LOL = Har Har Har.
Thank You = Thankolk eweolk.
Mine’s a Pint = Unolk Suffolk Milkolk.
She sells sea shells on the seashore = Sheolk sellolk stuffolk onolk Claremont Pier Beach.

(The language will be a tough one to crack; all signs will be replaced throughout Suffolk in the coming months)

Summary
The future is indeed bright for Suffolk, if not as bright as the new flag, we welcome these changes at the Suffolk Gazette and declare April 1st Suffolk Independence Day. On that note, we bid you reversolk hellolk.

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EXCLUSIVE
By Jerome Clarkson, Motoring Editor

Testing of a driverless car went drastically wrong when it ran amok in Suffolk, causing thousands of pounds worth of damage and leaving two cyclists in hospital.

The high-tech autonomous vehicle was being assessed on an industrial estate near Felixstowe when it took off, going on a 50-mile rampage.

It was meant to be doing laps around the estate in Kirton, where engineers were fine-tuning its parking capabilities.

But it is believed an apprentice had been messing about with its sat nav programming systems – which then clicked in unexpectedly. In an hour-long drama, the car:

– Drove out of Kirton and headed down the A14 to Ipswich

– Went along the pavement for five miles towards the town centre, sending pedestrians scurrying into bushes and front gardens

– Smashed into the Buttermarket shopping centre and went right through the mall, coming out of the other side

– Zipped around a McDonalds drive-thru seven times

– Entered Ipswich Town’s Portman Road stadium and drove around the pitch, knocking over both sets of goalposts

– Explored every level of the Ipswich rail station multi-storey car park

– Looped 30 times around the busy Civic drive roundabout, knocking two cyclists over

The carnage only stopped when the car went to the town’s Greyhound pub and turned itself off in the car park.

 

View image | gettyimages.com

Google’s driverless car has not had problems

Now engineers are frantically going back to the drawing board to prevent similar incidents.

The car, developed by Korean company Kak, was thought to be only months away from mainstream production, but the incident will set back the development of the vehicles for several years.

A Kak spokesman told the Suffolk Gazette: “This is all very embarrassing. The car was working perfectly well but a young lad at the testing site got a bit over excited when he was setting the GPS system.

“He entered all the coordinates for a joke, but was horrified when the sat nav switched on and the car took itself off. We are very pleased that the car followed his instructions perfectly, but of course that is not really the point.

“We have paid the shopping centre and Ipswich Town Football Club for the damage caused, and send our best wishes to the injured cyclists.”

Driverless or autonomous cars are expected to boom in the coming years, and will be worth £50 billion to the UK economy alone.

But the public will take some convincing that the vehicles are safe.

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police officers will be allowed to shoot criminals in a hugely controversial bid to save money.

The cash-strapped East Anglian force, which needs to save £200 million, believes giving constables a licence to kill will also be a massive deterrent to the county’s criminal fraternity.

But the plans by Suffolk Crime Commissioner Tim Passless were attacked by human rights campaigners as “barbaric” – while local UKIP activists said the measures did not go far enough.

Mr Passless will announce that from July 1, all officers will be issued with handguns, including voluntary community support beat officers.

Meanwhile, traffic cops will also get long-range sniper rifles so they can take down suspects fleeing by car.

Mr Passless will insist that police will be under strict instructions to shoot and kill only suspects they are “pretty sure” are guilty.

View image | gettyimages.com

Armed police in Suffolk

A police insider told Suffolk Gazette: “By eradicating suspects in his way, we will save an absolute fortune.

“First there will be none of the endless paperwork required when we arrest someone.

“We’ll then free up the drain of packed police station cells, stop the need for many court cases, then ultimately slash the future prison population.

“It’s a no brainer that will save way more than our £200 million budget shortfall.”

Cops have already been testing firearms at a secret gun range in Martlesham, where they quickly ruled out issuing machine guns because of the risk of “collateral” damage.

One senior officer said: “We’re looking forward to it. This will bring back old-fashioned policing to our streets. Justice will be fair and swift.

“We expect one or two mistakes in the early days, but we ask the public to stick with us. Once the first few toe rags are out of the way, the public will be fully on board.”

The human rights group Don’t Shoot was furious. Spokesman Ivor Smith-Wesson said: “This is barbaric. If there has been a robbery, officers can shoot to kill anyone they have reason to believe is involved – even if that suspect is unarmed and running away.

“There’s also bound to be fatal mistakes because the force has cut back on expensive eye tests for its officers.”

But local UKIP councillor Major Anthony Pugh was full of praise for the new policy.

“This will make our streets safer, and free up loads of cash for our police force. It might even allow for the return of the Suffolk police Apache helicopter.

“If anything we’d support an even tougher crackdown, and hand these weapons to all immigration officers as well.”