Delia Smith, owner of Norwich City, walks into a bar…
Sizewell ACDC rocks Suffolk
A major rethink of nuclear power station operations on the Suffolk coast will see four reactors in place: Sizewell A,C,D,C ensuring high voltage electricity supply across the region.
News was greeted with dismay by protestors, who insist the measures are a touch too much, and will turn the A12 into a highway to hell.
But energy bosses insist the work will be done to the highest standard. “There won’t be dirty deeds done dirt cheap,” insisted Mr Bon Scott, spokesman for Australian energy provider EMI. “We’ll start using a load of TNT to clear the areas, then let’s get it up.”
Colonel Reginald Aspall, of Saxmundham, who is leader of the anti-nuclear lobby No Glow, said: “Hells bells. This is the last thing we need in Suffolk. I guess moneytalks.”
The new reactors will bring considerable income to Suffolk, which could put the economy back in black – although there are fears of an invasion of middle-aged, long-haired men in scruffy jeans and leather jackets, riding noisy motorbikes.
Mr Scott said although many people thought A,C,D,C should be retired and consigned to the history books, he was determined to keep on with the plan. “Let there be rock,” he said.
That only served to anger Colonel Aspall, 93, even more. He shouted: “If you want blood, you got it.”
Ipswich renames main shopping street as Pound Plaza
Ipswich is celebrating the popularity of its cheap-as-chips discount stores by renaming the main shopping thoroughfare as Pound Plaza.
Poundland, Poundworld, Poundshop, 99p shops and other discount retail outlets have taken over Ipswich town centre, proving just how far the it has come in its bid to be the worst shopping destination in East Anglia.
So many of the shops have sprung up that charity shops are giving up and moving elsewhere, while trendy pop-ups – popular in most other towns – never pop up.
Doreen Spraggins, head of Ipswich Town Centre Initiative explained: “We are very proud of the way we have totally ruined Ipswich. By charging more for 20 minutes parking than the price of most goods sold in any remaining shops, we have conclusively shown we have absolutely no idea of what we are doing.
“While places like Norwich, Colchester and Bury St Edmunds have attracted lovely big-name stores and many great independents, Ipswich now has an enviable amount of discount stores.
“Everyone loves a bargain, so we are delighted that the main shopping area will now be known as Pound Plaza, which has a splendid continental ring to it.”
But shoppers who spoke to the Suffolk Gazette are not so keen. Mavis McMuffin, 67, of Chantry said: “Towns like Ipswich should have grand stores like Harrods or Selfridges. No one wants all these cheap and cheerful bargain basement shops, although I do go there for all my toiletries.”
Shock as train arrives on time
By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent
The East Anglian rail network was thrown into chaos today when a Greater Anglia train arrived on time.
The 7.49 InterCity service from Ipswich made it all the way through to London Liverpool Street with no delays whatsoever. Not even the dreaded freight trains, train faults, track and signal faults or “disruptive passengers” could slow it down.
Passengers watched the Greater Anglia Twitter feed in amazement as staff repeatedly claimed there were “no issues to report at present”.
As the train approached London, many of those on board made emotional calls to their friends and loved ones to inform them of the shock journey.
Train arrives on time
One commuter, Amy Squashed, 22, a freelance nuclear physicist from Haverhill, told the Suffolk Gazette: “It was highly charged in my carriage, people were screaming in excitement. To think this has not happened since 1994 – we were so lucky to be involved.”
A spokesman for Abellio Greater Anglia, which is trialing some Swiss trains, said: “We work hard to make sure all our trains are late or broken down. We take news of any on-time train seriously and will undertake a full investigation.”
Ipswich MP Ben Gummer, who has campaigned for improved rail services to the capital, welcomed the news, adding: “When the carriages are repainted, and the seats have new covers, then we can REALLY celebrate.”
