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Orville gets new job as Norwich mascot

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Orville gets new job as Norwich mascot

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

An unemployed green duck has been hired by Norwich City owner Delia Smith to be the club’s new mascot.

Orville lost his job as an annoying, high-pitched duck when his boss, television entertainer Keith Harris died from cancer last week.

But while many thought that was the last they’d seen of the nappy-wearing green bird, Smith has amazed football by offering him a key role at Carrow Road.

Let’s be ‘aving you: Delia Smith has hired Orville
Smith reasoned Orville, who has ridiculous green feathers, would fit in perfectly at Norwich, a club which plays in a hideous green and yellow strip.

Orville will now parade around the pitch singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly’, just as Norwich prepare for a key two-legged play-off semi-final against East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town.

His appointment means an undignified end for ex-Norwich mascot Captain Canary, who will now spend his retirement years at a Cromer bird sanctuary.

Sacked: Captain Canary
Ipswich fans last night said Orville’s appointment was typical of bungling Norwich. One said: “Delia Smith made a cookery career of sticking her hand up birds’ backsides to stuff them, so it’s no surprise she has got herself a ventriloquist duck.

“It’s quackers. But when Ipswich beat Norwich in the play-offs, she can always cook the bloody thing.”

Meanwhile, Orville’s former sidekick, Cuddles the monkey, has not been offered any work since Harris died, aged 67.

“I hate that effing duck,” Cuddles told the Suffolk Gazette last night.

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Virgin on the ridiculous

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Virgin on the ridiculous

By Casey Jones, Railway Correspondent

Britain’s most polite mainline train service is to open a new line from Glasgow straight to the heart of Suffolk – just to prove how nice they are.

The much-criticised firm will run a thrice-weekly service from Scotland’s West Coast via Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds and Birmingham before crossing England to Ipswich.

Said to be frequently overcrowded, late and lacking decent catering, Virgin West Coast bosses say they can teach East Anglians “a thing or two about how to endure alleged p*ss-poor services without moaning about it constantly”.

A Virgin spokesman confirmed the plan was on the table but added a focus-group feasibility study was being conducted among its usual clientele before a final decision was made.

The service is scheduled to cost around £783.22 return off peak for a weekend ‘East Angular Traveller’ ticket.

New rolling stock will be added to the service by 2034, said Virgin.

Virgin trains heading to Suffolk
One passenger, originally from Stowmarket, on a recent Virgin service from Manchester to London Euston, observed: “The 2.5 hour journey was late, rammed to the bulkheads, had run out of beer before we passed Macclesfield and there were no staff to be seen.

“But four hours later I was chatting to a charming family from Manchester who were squatting in the first-class cycle racks.

“The atmosphere was amazing, even when the lights went out at Milton Keynes. I can’t wait for the Suffolk service – it’s a party all the way.”

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Police look forward to Ipswich-Norwich play-off clashes

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Police look forward to Ipswich-Norwich play-off clashes

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk and Norfolk police have revealed how much they are looking forward to a friendly double play-off clash between East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town and Norwich City.

As the Championship table stands, with just one match to go, the two sides are on course to meet in a two-legged semi-final of the play-offs.

Police say these will be good-natured games, with both sets of fans enjoying their time together, despite the stakes being so high.

Top brass say there is no evidence any of the opposing fans will partake in alcohol – nor will there be any aggressive chanting or violent flashpoints.

In fact they are so happy with the games, which will be the biggest ever played between the rival clubs, that they have allowed all officers to go on leave if they wish.

“These will be low-key, friendly games between two teams whose fans get along really well. It will be a great advert for community football,” said Inspector Ed Insand.

Ipswich and Norwich players get along just as well as the fans
However, if results on the last day of the season go unexpectedly, then Ipswich and Norwich could avoid each other in the semi-final play-offs – but possibly then meet up in a do-or-die final at Wembley instead.

This would be an exciting prospect for both the British Transport Police and the Metropolitan Police, who say 80,000 close-knit East Anglian fans descending on the capital would be a joyous, tension-free occasion.

A spokesman for the Met said: “We don’t want any trouble at the play-off final, so we’re hoping it’s Ipswich and Norwich who make it through. It will certainly save on the policing bill.”

That’s a thought echoed by the Greater Anglia train company, which runs the mainline service from Norwich to London, stopping in Ipswich.

An insider said: “A Wembley final would be a tremendous and friendly day out for all our customers in Suffolk and Norfolk. We would offer free alcoholic drinks in our buffet cars to help them all get along on the long and fun journeys to and from London.”

If nothing changes on Saturday, then Norwich will finish fourth in the league, with Ipswich just behind in fifth. That would mean a two-legged play-off semi-final, with the fist being played at Portman Road, and the second a few days later at Carrow Road.

The winner of the play-off final will be promoted to the Premier League – a feat said to be worth £150 million.

Meanwhile, Norwich owner Delia Smith, the television chef, is hoping the two sides don’t meet, because she is fed-up with Ipswich fans singing: “Stick your saucepans up your…”

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Sheep farts captured to halt global warming

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Sheep farts captured to halt global warming

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

Suffolk scientists have invented an amazing device to capture sheep flatulence, which accounts for 25% of the country’s greenhouse gases.

The brilliant invention will help reduce global warming – and also provide a source of renewable energy, futher benefiting the environment.

The device works by running a tube from the sheep’s backside into a specially-constructed polythene bag strapped around the animal’s rear quarters.

“It’s a sort of colostomy bag for sheep,” one project insider explained.

It allows for the collection of methane from the sheep, which is generated as each of its four stomachs digests large quantities of grass everyday.

Gas goes down the tube into the large bag. Once fully inflated, a special valve allows for the gas to be syphoned off by the farmer into an adapted gas canister.

These canisters are then fed into a processing plant, which burns the methane and creates valuable electricity.

Each bag also has a safety valve to allow excess gas to escape should the farmer fail to empty it in time – preventing explosions that could harm the sheep.

It’s a gas: sheep being tested with the fart collection system
The process is so simple and cheap that farmers across the UK will be able to adopt it by the end of the year.

Boffins are now looking at extending the project to other ruminants like cows and goats, which also generate huge amounts of methane flatulence.

Mr Barry Fleece, from Sheep ‘O’ Gas, the company behind the innovation, said: “The issue of sheep and cow flatulence has been known about for years.

“In the UK these farts, and to an extent belching, genuinely accounts for 25% of greenhouse gases which damage the ozone layer and speed up global warming.

“We looked at a simple way to capture sheep farts and then harvest them for use as an energy source.

“The sheep in our test facility took to the system very well. They did not seem to mind something being stuck up their backsides. At first we thought this was because they came from Wales, but it seems local sheep were the same.

“We’re confident this will be a commercial success, allowing us to move into the lucrative cow fart market.”

The National Farmers’ Union has been monitoring the Halesworth, north Suffolk trials closely, and is expected to recommend that the Government provides grant assistance to farmers who take up the novel technique.

A spokesman said: “It will be cool to say one day that you live in a house powered by sheep farts.”

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Postmen ordered to wear roller skates

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Postmen ordered to wear roller skates

Postmen in Suffolk are being ordered to wear roller skates in a bizarre efficiency drive by Royal Mail bosses.

Managers believe posties will deliver the mail much quicker if they are wearing the specially-adapted skates, meaning they can squeeze a second round in each day.

But the unions are furious at the trial, pointing out that wearing roller skates is a serious health and safety issue for their members.

Suffolk was chosen for the trial because it is relatively flat, but already there have been reports of two postmen zooming out of control down Bishop’s Hill in Ipswich at 40 miles per hour.

Thankfully no postmen have been hurt, and the Suffolk Gazette understands the trial is to be halted next week after mixed results.

A Royal Mail insider said: “The management dreamed up the idea after one of their children watched an episode of Postman Pat, in which Pat tried out some roller skates to get around faster.

“The kids show ended up as you’d expect – a disaster, with Pat flying headfirst over a gate into a field. Now pressure from the unions and postmen themselves is likely to force a rethink.

“Some of the younger posties were getting along okay with their skates, but the older ones were struggling, particularly when their bags were full early on their rounds.”

postman-pat-roller-skates

Postman Pat in skating difficulty
A spokesman for the Communication Worker’s Union said: “We have made it clear this is not progress. Furthermore, it is downright dangerous.

“We’re told the trial ends next week, and that rather than being extended nationally, it will be scrapped entirely.”

It is believed the postmen will be allowed to keep their skates when the trial finishes.

They had been given just two days training using the skates before being sent on their rounds.

One furious postie said: “I had people on my round laughing at me. They’d tap their watches and say, ‘You’re late this morning. Get yer skates on’.

“It is humiliating.”

Postmen say bosses are skating on thin ice
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Suffolk farming on speed

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Take a look at the harvest on speed – gangnam style…

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Kim Jong-un buys Suffolk caravan

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Kim Jong-un buys Suffolk caravan

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette staff

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has bought himself a holiday caravan on the Suffolk coast.

He fell in love with the area after joining a secret visit to the county to inspect the Sizewell nuclear power station.

But although he was unimpressed with the facility, believing his country’s coal power is more efficient, he fell in love instantly with the countryside and coast.

He ordered staff to find him an ideal holiday home where he could relax unnoticed away from prying eyes – and the caravan, just up the road from Sizewell, fitted the bill perfectly.

The 38-foot Horizon Cavalier static caravan is described as the perfect ‘starter’ home, coming with three bedrooms, family shower room, separate toilet, central heating and double glazing.

However, it’s the view over the North Sea which has apparently enchanted Kim Jong-un, who has already spent a week recently in his new holiday home.

The Suffolk Gazette knows where the caravan is, but has agreed not to reveal its exact location. But we have chosen to publish the view from his front window.

caravan view

horizon cavalier caravan

The leader, famous for looking after his hair, will be pleased to know nearby Leiston has a range of salons, including the Hair Shed, which will be able to keep his mop in top condition during his holidays.

He’ll also be able to enjoy superb takeaway curries from the Cinnamon in Leiston High Street, while a North Korean diplomatic insider confirmed a trip to the Adnams brewery just up the coast in Southwold is high on the leader’s wish list. He is also a huge fan of sea fishing.

kim jong-un fishing

The owners of the caravan park declined to talk publicly about their infamous new guest, but said in a statement: “We keep details of all our guests private. Our location is wonderful and the perfect spot for a young world leader who wants to relax and get away from it all.”

Local leisure businesses are now vying to attract Kim Jong-un, who would generate fantastic publicity. Thorpeness Golf Club has already made inquiries to the North Korean regime, pointing out that the Dear Leader would easily beat his father’s amazing record of having scored 11 holes in one on his very first game of golf.

EDIT: READ OUR SUBSEQUENT WORLD EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KIM JONG-UN HERE

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Buy a funny mug from Dirty Old Goat, the Suffolk Gazette’s potty pottery empire. Here are some current favourites…

UKIP football team relegated

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UKIP football team relegated

By Onmee Head, Football Correspondent

A major football team has been relegated three weeks before the end-of-season showdown – because the side is totally imbalanced.

Fans of UKIP FC loved their team’s attacking style, but soon noticed each player was actually a right winger.

That left the UKIP outfit exposed throughout the middle of the park and down the left flank. And although they were able to score some spectacular goals, they were no good at the back.

Wags pointed out that early relegation was a blessing, because had they made the top four, UKIP FC would have refused to play in Europe next season anyway.

But opposition fans have not been as vocal about UKIP’s demise as many had expected, probably because with only weeks to go in the season, they have their own problems.

Labour FC have issues with their captain, who some say has failed to lead the team well enough. There are also rumours he stole his brother’s boots to prevent him from taking his place on the pitch (Editor’s note: This sotry was written when Ed Miliband led the Labour Party).

Even though Labour FC are still pushing for the title, many believe they will only make the play-offs where they are likely to meet Conservative FC.

Conservative FC skipper David Cameron with his striker coach
The blue-shirted Conservatives may be the defending champions, but their early-season promise has fizzled out and attendences have fallen.

If rivals Labour and Conservative are neck-and-neck after May 7, then an emergency transfer window opens in order for both sides to strengthen their squads.

That leaves teams like SNP FC and Green FC, together with a group of sides from Northern Ireland, and a weird team with an unpronouncable name from Wales, open to a variety of transfer bids.

Labour’s hopes of snatching key players from SNP FC have been dashed, because the outfit, led by a fearsome, tough-tackling woman, are shockingly bad at defence, believing there is no need for a deterrent at all. The SNP, known fondly by fans as “The Gingers”, also want permission to play in the Scottish League only.

That leaves Green FC, but commentators fear their players are too slow because they are always trying to conserve energy.

Meanwhile, the Suffolk Gazette can confirm that Liberal Democrat FC, who for so long bossed the middle of the park with a succession of creative midfielders, have gone out of existance. Any points they won this season have been distributed to the other clubs.

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