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New Tube line will connect Ipswich to London

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New Tube line will connect Ipswich to London

By Casey Jones, Railway Correspondent

A new £7 billion Tube line is being built to create a high-speed link between London and Ipswich in Suffolk.

The 70-mile line will run in direct competition to Greater Anglia mainline trains, which provide a questionable service to tens of thousands of commuters every day.

Transport for London confirmed to the Suffolk Gazette that it will launch its first new route since the Jubilee Line opened in 1979.

No name has been set in stone, but we understand the line will be called the Anglian Line, and will be coloured beige on the famous Underground maps, which will now be extended greatly to the right-hand side.

It will run from Liverpool Street in the City and remain underground for most of the journey to Ipswich, stopping only at Chelmsford, Witham, Kelvedon, Colchester, and Manningtree before terminating at Suffolk’s county town.

Only the short one-mile stretch to the east of Manningtree will run overground, to allow commuters a nice view of the River Stour.

anglian-line

The Anglian Line will be a huge and complex engineering project, and although officials would not be drawn on the exact cost, it is expected to run over £7 billion.

Londoners will have to pay for much of the cost through local taxes, but Transport for London believes those living in the capital will enjoy the chance to travel to Ipswich, which will be classed as a new Zone 7 destination, and will cost just £8 each way.

A TfL insider said: “Poor old Suffolk and Essex rail commuters have a terrible time of it with Greater Anglia, so the door is wide open for someone to come in and offer a better service.

“The fact that we will be running underground means there are minimal planning and no environmental concerns, and now we have the finances in place we expect to start work in the summer.”

The line will be connected to existing mainline stations via stairwells underground.

East Anglian commuters were excited by the news. Brian Tomkins, 44, who commutes daily from Ipswich, said: “This can’t come soon enough. The current Greater Anglia service is terrible, and we face regular delays, unexpected cancellations, and issues with ancient rolling stock.

“To get a sleek new underground service all the way to London is brilliant. It will be faster and cleaner… and best of all, Londoners will be footing most of the bill.”

Mr Tomkins, who works in a City of London finance house, estimated the new Anglian Line will save him £5,000 a year, and get him to work 20 minutes quicker each day.

A spokesman for Mayor of London Boris Johnson’s office confirmed Londoners will stump up most of the £7 billion bill for the new line. “While it will mainly benefit those living outside the capital, it will give Londoners a nice route out of the City towards the lovely East Anglian countryside.”

The news comes as Government official revealed they would build Britain’s first canal for more than 100 years, easing road congestion by connecting Felixstowe Port with the Midlands

Driverless car runs amok in Suffolk

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Driverless car runs amok in Suffolk

EXCLUSIVE
By Jerome Clarkson, Motoring Editor

Testing of a driverless car went drastically wrong when it ran amok in Suffolk, causing thousands of pounds worth of damage and leaving two cyclists in hospital.

The high-tech autonomous vehicle was being assessed on an industrial estate near Felixstowe when it took off, going on a 50-mile rampage.

It was meant to be doing laps around the estate in Kirton, where engineers were fine-tuning its parking capabilities.

But it is believed an apprentice had been messing about with its sat nav programming systems – which then clicked in unexpectedly. In an hour-long drama, the car:

– Drove out of Kirton and headed down the A14 to Ipswich

– Went along the pavement for five miles towards the town centre, sending pedestrians scurrying into bushes and front gardens

– Smashed into the Buttermarket shopping centre and went right through the mall, coming out of the other side

– Zipped around a McDonalds drive-thru seven times

– Entered Ipswich Town’s Portman Road stadium and drove around the pitch, knocking over both sets of goalposts

– Explored every level of the Ipswich rail station multi-storey car park

– Looped 30 times around the busy Civic drive roundabout, knocking two cyclists over

The carnage only stopped when the car went to the town’s Greyhound pub and turned itself off in the car park.

 

Google’s driverless car has not had problems

Now engineers are frantically going back to the drawing board to prevent similar incidents.

The car, developed by Korean company Kak, was thought to be only months away from mainstream production, but the incident will set back the development of the vehicles for several years.

A Kak spokesman told the Suffolk Gazette: “This is all very embarrassing. The car was working perfectly well but a young lad at the testing site got a bit over excited when he was setting the GPS system.

“He entered all the coordinates for a joke, but was horrified when the sat nav switched on and the car took itself off. We are very pleased that the car followed his instructions perfectly, but of course that is not really the point.

“We have paid the shopping centre and Ipswich Town Football Club for the damage caused, and send our best wishes to the injured cyclists.”

Driverless or autonomous cars are expected to boom in the coming years, and will be worth £50 billion to the UK economy alone.

But the public will take some convincing that the vehicles are safe.

Suspects to be shot in police budget cuts

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Suspects to be shot in police budget cuts

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police officers will be allowed to shoot criminals in a hugely controversial bid to save money.

The cash-strapped East Anglian force, which needs to save £200 million, believes giving constables a licence to kill will also be a massive deterrent to the county’s criminal fraternity.

But the plans by Suffolk Crime Commissioner Tim Passless were attacked by human rights campaigners as “barbaric” – while local UKIP activists said the measures did not go far enough.

Mr Passless will announce that from July 1, all officers will be issued with handguns, including voluntary community support beat officers.

Meanwhile, traffic cops will also get long-range sniper rifles so they can take down suspects fleeing by car.

Mr Passless will insist that police will be under strict instructions to shoot and kill only suspects they are “pretty sure” are guilty.

Armed police in Suffolk

A police insider told Suffolk Gazette: “By eradicating suspects in his way, we will save an absolute fortune.

“First there will be none of the endless paperwork required when we arrest someone.

“We’ll then free up the drain of packed police station cells, stop the need for many court cases, then ultimately slash the future prison population.

“It’s a no brainer that will save way more than our £200 million budget shortfall.”

Cops have already been testing firearms at a secret gun range in Martlesham, where they quickly ruled out issuing machine guns because of the risk of “collateral” damage.

One senior officer said: “We’re looking forward to it. This will bring back old-fashioned policing to our streets. Justice will be fair and swift.

“We expect one or two mistakes in the early days, but we ask the public to stick with us. Once the first few toe rags are out of the way, the public will be fully on board.”

The human rights group Don’t Shoot was furious. Spokesman Ivor Smith-Wesson said: “This is barbaric. If there has been a robbery, officers can shoot to kill anyone they have reason to believe is involved – even if that suspect is unarmed and running away.

“There’s also bound to be fatal mistakes because the force has cut back on expensive eye tests for its officers.”

But local UKIP councillor Major Anthony Pugh was full of praise for the new policy.

“This will make our streets safer, and free up loads of cash for our police force. It might even allow for the return of the Suffolk police Apache helicopter.

“If anything we’d support an even tougher crackdown, and hand these weapons to all immigration officers as well.”

Police find bodies in cemetery

The Editor
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Police find bodies in cemetery

bodies-in-cemetery

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police fear a serial killer is on the loose after discovering 129 bodies in a village graveyard.

The grim find was made in St Wayne and Gary Church in Elmswell, and detectives fear more bodies may turn up.

Officers believe the mass killer followed a sadistic pattern by putting out the bodies in neat rows – then leaving a stone to mark where each one lay.

They say it is too early to say how many of the victims died, as they appear to have been dead for a long time.

At a special press conference planned for later today, Detective Chief Superintendent Noah Cloose will warn all Suffolk residents to stay indoors until the killer is caught.

A force insider said: “We’re dealing with the worst serial killer in the county’s history. There are already 129 bodies and we expect to find more.

“We were called to St Wayne and Gary Church when a passerby noticed a man acting suspiciously in the graveyard. He was said to be laying flowers by one of the stones – a classic serial killer habit of returning to the scene of a crime.

“We currently have no idea who this man is, but we will put every possible resource into finding him.”

He is said to be about five feet six inches tall, with grey, thinning hair, and using a walking stick. He was said to be carrying a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

Vicar Evan Elpuss was devastated by the discovery. He said: “It’s normally dead in here on Sunday mornings when I give my sermon, but I didn’t expect it to be so bad outside.”

One local neighbour, who asked not to be named, said: “This is awful. Nothing like this has ever happened around here before. I have not seen my great-grandparents for a few years, and must now wonder if they are victims of this madman.”

Sadly, Suffolk Police will not be able to use its force Apache gunship helicopter to help track down the killer, as it has been mothballed after accidentally blowing up a vicarage in nearby Needham Market.

However, they do now have a fleet of 1970s Ford Cortina squad cars to call on.

McGoldrick out for 47 years with thigh strain

The Editor
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McGoldrick out for 47 years with thigh strain

By Ulrich Le Pen, Ipswich Town Medical Correspondent

Ipswich striker David McGoldrick will be sidelined for 47 years with his recurring thigh strain, club medics have revealed.

Boss Mick McCarthy had claimed last season’s 21-goal top scorer would be back weeks ago.

But then McGoldrick broke down again in training not once, but 72 times, and McCarthy has to keep changing his story.

Now club doctors have admitted it will be 47 years before the 28-year-old is fit enough to return to the Super Blues, who are pushing for a play-off spot in the Championship.

Thighly improbable: David McGoldrick

Meanwhile, this season’s goal-scoring sensation, Daryl Murphy continues to lead the front line with his new midget strike partner, Freddie Sears – although he’s still a foot taller than Jay Tabb.

A Portman Road insider revealed: “Big Mick had hoped McGoldrick would be back early to boost Ipswich’s promotion push, but he keeps having to admit that the striker has suffered a set back.

“A fresh scan on McGoldrick’s thigh showed it will now be 47 years until he can expect to run out on to the Portman Road pitch again.”

Medical staff have given the former Nottingham Forest and Southampton star a strict diet of hydroponic vegetables to help rebuild his strength while he’s sidelined.

Supporters were devastated about the latest injury shocker. Those Were The Days fans’ forum guru Phil Bacon said: “We never thought we’d say it, but should we bring back Frank Nouble?”

His controversial comment was met with a resounding “No” by the entire population of Suffolk.

CIA whistleblower vegetates in nuclear bunker

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CIA whistleblower vegetates in nuclear bunker

By Ben Twarters, Security Editor

Wanted former CIA spy Ted Snowman is making a clandestine living growing hydroponic vegetables in a former US air force nuclear bomb dump, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The renegade former secret agent, who is the subject of numerous extradition attempts by United States security services, spilled the beans on his website WikiLeeks accusing his former employers of hacking into every mobile phone call.

It was thought Snowman, 30, was living in exile in Moscow under the protection of Russian Agriculture Minster, Vladimir Spinichovich.

However, we can reveal he is today making a meagre living while in hiding – by entering his mutant vegetables in low-key fetes across East Anglia.

Village halls in the region have been stunned by the gigantic dimensions of normally modest produce, which have consistently picked up small cash prizes.

Snowman took up residence in a tree-shrouded underground concrete bunker on an airbase near Woodbridge which was abandoned by the United States Air Force in 1989.

There is nothing to give away the entrance to his new 50-metre-long underground home in the middle of a the Suffolk copse.

42-kilo Swede

But his presence was first noticed by local councillor, Lady Samphire O’Bergine, who became suspicious after a 42-kilogram swede won best root vegetable at the Walsham-le-Gume annual show.

Lady Samphire said: “The mystery winner wasn’t there to collect his prize of £10 and one of Mrs Maris-Piper’s finest carrot cakes. This was most odd, as the victor would normally want to be photographed by the paper.”

Carrot-cake

Abandoned: carrot cake
Snowman’s ruse was finally rumbled when a contractor was seen dropping large quantities of a pungent substance, thought to be fertiliser, into the discreet copse which covers the entrance to his lair.

Approached by the Suffolk Gazette, the obviously malnourished outlaw said: “The only hacking I do these days is through the cow parsley to get my front door. I am now totally dedicated to blowing open the closed world of competition vegetable growing.”

Hearing of Snowman’s exposure, former Suffolk resident and fellow fugitive Julius Asparagus says: “I’ve always hated Swedes, but I am glad he has evaded capture. I hope they give his peas a chance.”

Okra Winfrey

Mr Snowman has reportedly refused several interview requests including one from legendary US talk show host Okra Winfrey.

PC Al Ottment, of Walsham-le-Gume police, said: “We will make a root and branch investigation which hopefully will bear fruit.”

Pentagon spooksperson, Lt Col Chard “Curly” Kale said: “We cannot confirm or deny the presence, or indeed absence, of any such person as Mr Snowman and even if he did exist we would be unable to confirm or deny whether or not there is an ongoing investigation.”

Under pressure from the Suffolk Gazette, Col Kale conceded: “No sir, I don’t much like Swede either.”

Posh seaside shops get Budget boost

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Posh seaside shops get Budget boost

By Foo Tse, Economics Editor (on secondment from the Peking Times)

Chancellor George Osborne has unveiled a one-off tax break to dozens of specialist shops in seaside towns that sell over-priced interior goods, designer children’s wear and posh food.

Suffolk’s high-class coastal towns including Aldeburgh, Southwold and Walberswick will qualify for the special tax break which will apply to all shops owned by the partners of London-based media executives.

In today’s much-anticipated Budget, Mr Osborne has relaxed Corporation Tax specifically for those owners, discounting the 20 per cent rate by half.

suffolk-coastPelmets

In his final Budget speech before a Tory walkover in the Eastern Counties, Mr Osborne said: “Those little shops now infest high streets called things like Mummy’s Kitchen and Debbie’s Delights

“They deliver such a useful service to the economies of struggling coastal towns that I feel compelled to give them the tax breaks they deserve.”

To qualify for the new tax break the shops must be owned by the partners of ex-pat Londoners and the goods they sell must be deemed to be appealing to the so-called “Yummy Mummy” – and have no apparent practical use.

The news was welcomed by Hermione Chomondely-Battersea, owner of Pippa’s Pelmets in Southwold.

Election bribe

She squeaked: “This is just amazing. It will be really handy when it comes to selling my hand-made curtain coverings because I can normally only add a 250 per cent margin. Cheers to Mr Osborne! Amazing.”

It is estimated by experts at the Suffolk Higher Institute for Taxation the tax-tweak looks set to save the owners up to £1,000 a week in the high season – a move which could cost the Treasury more than £500,000 a year.

Prof Ron Cobblers, head spokesman for SHIT, said: “It would be easy to think this pointless gesture to the dopey wives of rich London-based media executives could be a blatant election bribe in a county which already thinks these shops are silly and pointless.”

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Poldark to ride in Grand National

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Poldark to ride in Grand National

Dashing Cornishman Ross Poldark is a shock entry for the Grand National, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Trainers have been impressed with the handsome star’s riding skills on Sunday night prime-time TV hit, Poldark.

He spends most of each hour-long episode riding his horse along Cornwall cliff tops at breakneck speed, despite wearing a huge hat and cape.

Horse racing experts spotted his talent and soon made discreet enquiries to Poldark’s Cornish estate about signing him up for the big race at Aintree next month.

Newmarket trainer Leicester Biggot got his man and will now partner Poldark with his much-fancied horse Adnams Bitter in the Grand National.

Speaking from his famous Suffolk yard, Biggot said: “Poldark shows exceptional speed and skill on his horse every Sunday night on television.

“And he does this time and again – it’s almost as though he does nothing else. No wonder his family mining operation ground to a halt.

“Now I can put his riding skills to good use in the biggest horse race on earth.”

poldark-horse

Poldark training for the Grand National
Bookies have already made Poldark even money to win the National on Adnams Bitter.

Paddy Power’s Kenny Wynn said: “It’s safe to say Poldark will be the housewives’ favourite for the Grand National this year.”

The Suffolk Gazette tried to contact Poldark in the 18th Century for a comment, but he was out riding along a remote Cornish clifftop.

But his alluring kitchen wench said: “He does love to mount up and have a good ride.

“And he definitely likes finishing first.”

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