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By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Hans Up, the German World War Two veteran found living in a Suffolk forest last month, is to get his own survival-style television show.

The 90-year-old former Nazi soldier was shot down over the Suffolk coast in 1944 – and had been hiding out in Rendlesham Forest ever since.

But as our exclusive German WW2 soldier found living in forest story revealed, he was eventually found asleep in a hammock by a group of local primary school children.

Hans Up’s amazing survival skills and ability to remain hidden sparked a huge bidding war from TV, film and book publishing moguls.

Now the Suffolk Gazette can reveal he has signed up for an eight-part television series spanning all he learned during 70 years of seclusion.

Bear Grylls

The deal, which will make him more popular than Bear Grylls, will earn Hans Up £4 million. The sum is believed to be the same as the German army pay he has missed out on since he went into hiding, still believing the war was on.

It is understood a book deal will follow, while Hollywood’s biggest studios are also keen on snapping up his story.

The TV show will begin filming this summer, once Hans Up has finished recuperating in the German Embassy in London, and got used to all the modern gadgets like computers that he is seeing for the first time.

Episodes in the series, to be aired on BBC 1, will concentrate on catching and cooking wildlife, making secret dens, avoiding angry Suffolk farmers, sleeping in trees, and keeping German army boots polished in all conditions.

A spokesman for Nice Activity Zoom International films, said: “We are delighted to have signed Hans Up, er, up. He is still in great condition despite his age, and his story is inspirational.

“Everyone wants to know how he stayed alive and hidden for so long in a Suffolk forest. His survival story also has the potential to save lives – you never know when you might get lost in a forest.”

The NAZI spokesman would not confirm the fee payable to Mr Up, but the Suffolk Gazette understands it is at least £4 million.

Hans Up’s story gripped the world when we revealed his discovery last month.

Exclusive: How the Suffolk Gazette revealed Hans Up’s forest discoveryWe were flooded with messages of support for the former soldier who was baffled by the modern world upon his discovery.

Amazingly, some readers claimed the Suffolk Gazette had in some way made up the story, or at least put a little too much spin on it.

But our Editor insisted today: “Every bit of it was true. Some questioned why the picture taken of Hans Up when he was caught was in black and white. Well we proved the local kids who found him put a cool filter on their shot to make it more moody.

“Other people said Hans could not have ejected from the bomber when it was shot down, because the ejector seat had not been invented in 1944. But our research found Hans and the rest of the crew were trialing a forerunner of the ejector seat, which had been developed personally by Adolf Hitler.

“Lastly, others claimed it was ridiculous Hans was in a German soldier uniform, when we had stated he was in a Luftwaffe bomber. But Hans himself has confirmed to us that the uniform change was intended to confuse the enemy should he be caught – and it clearly worked.”

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Hans Up gives himself up to Melton school children last month

Meanwhile, Hans Up has fallen back in love with football, a sport he used to enjoy playing in his barracks. He has taken to supporting Ipswich Town, a team which, unbeknown to him, played just down the road from where he was hiding for 70 years!

By Robin Crow, Wildlife Correspondent

Extraordinary sightings of a large eagle and two bears at a Suffolk wildlife reserve have got birdwatchers and nature lovers in a frenzy of excitement.

The eagle, said to have “mahoosive wings and a bad attitude”, and the two bears were spotted at Minsmere, the world-famous habitat that features on the BBC’s popular Springwatch programme.

At first rumours of the rare visitors were scoffed at. But then wardens noticed the sightings were being chalked up repeatedly on ‘What’s About’ noticeboards used by enthusiasts to pass on information about which creatures they have seen.

One birdwatcher had even helpfully drawn a picture of the eagle, albeit with a strange long beak, on the board alongside normal entries like snipe, geese and coots.

The eagle has landed. And so have the bears.One keen twitcher said: “I’ve never seen anything like it. The eagle was indeed mahoosive, and was flying about trying to pinch people’s packed lunches. It’s that sort of attitude which gives eagles a bad name.

“Then I was amazed to spot the two bears playing about in the long grass. It was a lovely moment, and one I am unlikely to witness again.”

Paddington Bear

Experts say it is likely the Bald Eagle, so called because it has no feathers on its head, was swept off course by the wind from its normal habitat in Birmingham. It is not to be confused with a Bald Eagle Shaver.

But they are more baffled by the playful bears taking up residence on the Suffolk coast.

Bear expert Michael Bond told the Suffolk Gazette: “Sadly this may be an unfortunate result of the Paddington Bear film that was released last year.

“Many kids demanded their own bear for Christmas, and even though we always say a bear is for life, not just for Christmas, some of the poor things got dumped before January was over.

“This pair appear to be doing a good job of looking after themselves in the wild. But you must remember they are more used to feasting on marmalade sandwiches rather than catching shrews and fish.”

A spokesman for the RSPB, which runs the Minsmere site close to Dunwich, said: “We’ll be trying to catch the bears and find them a good home.

“As for the eagle with the mahoosive wings, we expect it to stick around for a while. But once it gets warmer it will likely head back to Birmingham.”

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Suffolk Coastal District Council is introducing a special discount card aimed exclusively at second home owners to recognise their invaluable contribution to the sunrise coast economy.

Called the Suffolk Second Home card, it will entitle users to 30% off goods and services throughout the county, including pubs, restaurants and posh shops.

SCDC initially refused to comment but has since released this statement: “The council actively encourages second home ownership and feels that our visitors often experience thinly-disguised resentment when dealing with local businesses.

“This can take the form of an intentionally badly-pulled pint, ‘London prices’ for crabbing equipment in Walberswick, and hostile staring in the car park at Waitrose in Saxmundham. By introducing the discount card we hope to redress the balance whilst further reducing council tax for second homes.”

Second home owners

Natalie Dressed, owner of posh frock shop, Colin and Claire, which has branches in Southwold and Aldeburgh, welcomed the move.

“The discount card is a lovely idea and even with 30% off we would still be making a profit. Second home owners really get a rough deal and if getting a bit of discount on an expensive dress helps to cheer them up then we are happy to do our bit.”

Marcus Mumford, beardy folkster and owner of hardware shop, Mumford and Sons of Southwold, was unavailable for comment as he was probably at the cash and carry, or he could have been out the back labelling the firelighters – or even writing some banjo music.

Marcus’s mum, who works on the till, thought the scheme was an excellent idea. “Second homeowners are our bread and butter and without them we would have to rely purely on Marcus’s royalties. and they would barely cover the rent.”

How the Second Home card will look. Possibly.Hugh Jeego, city banker and second homeowner was enthusiastic about the scheme. He told the Suffolk Gazette: “Hopefully this is just the start for the beleaguered second home owner on the sunrise coast.

“I have certainly noticed hostility when talking about my huge salary in the pub and I was definitely overcharged for a frisbee at a souvenir stall on the beach.”

Pound Plaza

Asked whether the scheme would be extended to local residents, the spokesman for SCDC declined to comment, but when questioned further in the pub he indicated it would be an administrative nightmare.

“Locals can’t afford anything in the shops anyway -even with 30% off. They should stick to the newly renamed “Pound Plaza” in Ipswich. Isn’t it your round?”

Locals were furious at the snub. Ivy Crackling, 67, is now forced to live in a rented garage because she can no longer afford a house in her home town of Southwold.

“The second home owners already have loads of money. The last thing they need is a discount card. It’s got so bad now that I could not even afford to live in a beach hut in Southwold.”

View image | gettyimages.com

Southwold beach huts more expensive than houses elsewhere in Suffolk

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Gangs of elderly residents are taking legal highs and running riot in Suffolk.

Police were called out to Debenham on Monday night after locals complained of raucous behaviour and loud music playing into the early hours.

A student living next door to the Purple Haze Care Home said: “It was 1am and we were trying to study for exams – but we couldn’t concentrate over the noise of old war songs.

“When we knocked on the door politely we were sworn at and someone threw false teeth at us.”

Another neighbour was threatened with knitting needles and told to respect their elders – or else.

Meanwhile, horrified onlookers reported one OAP downing a whole bag of legal high, washed down with a nice cuppa screaming: “We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when.”

Reports of elderly dealers flogging legal highs in bingo halls and cafes have increased by a whopping 67%.

They are legal substances said to ‘lift the spirits’, although doctors warn they are not properly regulated, have not been tested and could be harmful to health.

Locals live in fear of one particular elderly resident gang in Debenham, who go by the street names of The Blue Rinsers, or Silver Haired Aged Gang.

View image | gettyimages.com

Members of the notorious Blue Rinsers gang in DebenhamThe Suffolk Gazette infiltrated the Purple Haze home to find out the truth from residents.

One 86-year-old lady, known only as Doreen, told us: “Bowls simply isn’t a fun game without a little pick-me-up.

“It only costs a little money that would only have been wasted on bingo. Now it’s us that’s wasted – and I feel like I’m 75 again.”

Another resident, Eric, 89, said: “I’ve just had my hip replaced and now I can fly.” He then jumped out of a first-floor window and is now recovering in Ipswich Hospital.

Police have been asked NOT to stick to their new policy of shooting to kill any criminal suspects to save money. And some kind-hearted locals say the elderly gangs are just having some deserved fun and should be left in peace.

Certainly police in Debenham are playing the issue with a softly-softly attitude. Police Officer Dibble also said a charity had been set up to help cope with pensioners having legal high issues.

He said: “If you or a relative has been affected by elderly legal high taking, contact the charity Oh Danny Boy at the day care centre in the High Street.”

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By Ruth Tyler, Property Correspondent

Thatched roofs are to be banned by meddling EU bureaucrats – because they pose a fire risk.

Thousands of quaint Suffolk cottages owners will be forced to replace the pretty thatch with ugly tiles by 2018.

The straw-topped, picture-postcard cottages have been part of the idyllic Suffolk scenery for centuries.

But Brussels has ruled that not only is there a fire danger, but the pollution from such blazes threatens strict environmental control targets.

UKIP slammed the news as yet more “barmy” Euro behaviour, while the Tories said they would overturn the decision if re-elected to power.

Owners of the 309,000 Suffolk thatched cottages on the EU hit list will be able to claim from the EU Central Bank for the cost of the work, plus any compensation for the loss of their property value.

But there will be no such compensation for skilled thatchers, who will need to re-train as tilers.

Bulgarian EU spokesman Wastov Uremunee said: “We don’t want to see any more dangerous fires in the Suffolk countryside.

“Furthermore, the smoke from these blazes ruins the atmosphere and gives people living in the countryside asthma.”

Suffolk UKIP member of the European Parliament, Colonel Roger Tweed, fumed: “This is barmy, yet another ridiculous EU law.

“Suffolk is known throughout the country for its lovely thatched cottages – we will fight this every step of the way.”

One furious cottage owner, Pamela Bush from Tannington, said: “They will remove my thatch over my dead body. My husband loves it.”

By Evan Elpuss, Religious Affairs Correspondent

Church goers are failing to eat enough chocolate over the Easter break, according to one enraged Suffolk clergyman.

The Rt Rev Ferraro Lindt, Bishop of Walsingham-le-Willows, has deplored the decline in sales of Britain’s favourite confectionery, as health-conscious congregations turn their backs on ancient, long-standing traditions of the religious holiday.

“People seem to have lost touch with the Easter message, which should be about chocolate eggs, chocolate rabbits, chocolate chickens and boxes of chocolate.”

Numerous church-led initiatives to engage more potential churchgoers in an annual chocfest have apparently fallen on deaf ears. Church leaders even dressed up in rabbit costumes to give away chocolate goodies.

A vicar dressed up as an Easter bunnyBishop Lindt said that after one failed plan, his church was left ‘stacked almost to the rafters’ with scores of boxes of uneaten eggs.

“Last year we thought we had nailed it by handing out free Easter eggs in the county’s churches, but people thought we were just hammering home the Easter message too much.

“As spiritual leaders of the community, we have been trying our best to engage a new congregation, but we have been coming under increasing criticism for trying to promote a traditional approach to religion.

“It seems that bashing the bishop has become a national pass time. We are doing our best to beat off the competition but there are just too many options out there,” he railed.

Churches are ramming home the choccie messageBishop Lindt said he had all but given up on his congregation. “I’ll probably just spend Easter hanging out with a couple of friends.”

“We all have our crosses to bear,” he sighed.

By Polly Ticks, Political Editor

The Suffolk Independence Referendum has resulted in an overwhelming ‘Yes’ vote, meaning the county will rule itself from next month.

But what changes lay ahead for the good people of the county?

Changes to Suffolk’s Future
Currency Changes: The new currency will be Suffolk Dollars, with $1,000 Suffolk Dollars being equivalent to two shillings. All sterling currency will be burnt or melted during the Suffolk Independence Day Parade on April 1.

Language: The new local language shall be named “Suffikish”. All households will be sent translation dictionaries in due course. Old English, New English, Web Slang and Urban Slang will be outlawed by the Suffolk Sherriff June Brown, aka Dot Cotton (see tips from the new language at the bottom of this article).

Border Policy: Existing UK Passports will be valid until the end of 2015. Suffolks will be able to leave and come as the please, however all non Suffolks will require a Visa or Debit card issued from the RBS (Royal Bank of Suffolk). The Royal Bank of Scotland, at first outraged with the copyright infringement, soon calmed down after some Suffolk Whiskey, and insisted: “Och aye, we will support th’ suffolk dollar,” or something similar, along those lines.

Health Care: One book of plasters will be issued to all households once per month. Links to YouTube videos will be available for all other medical emergencies, 24 hours per day. Suffolk’s own Dr Surresh Getawells said: “These days Google can explain ways to get better more than most GPs. Toothpaste is often the answer.”

Flag: Changes to the flag are not final, but after a $7 million Suffolk Dollars investment in the county’s future, the first mock-up is available..

Suffolk has a population of over 730,000, and each of the 73 sheep represent 10,000 residents. We’d like to the world to take note that we are not sheep, we are independent!

*Translations from English to Suffikish
Hello = Helloolk.
Goodbye = Reverseolk Helloolk.
LOL = Har Har Har.
Thank You = Thankolk eweolk.
Mine’s a Pint = Unolk Suffolk Milkolk.
She sells sea shells on the seashore = Sheolk sellolk stuffolk onolk Claremont Pier Beach.

(The language will be a tough one to crack; all signs will be replaced throughout Suffolk in the coming months)

Summary
The future is indeed bright for Suffolk, if not as bright as the new flag, we welcome these changes at the Suffolk Gazette and declare April 1st Suffolk Independence Day. On that note, we bid you reversolk hellolk.

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