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FIFA 16 to include FIFA bribery scandal

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FIFA 16 to include FIFA bribery scandal

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

The new version of the FIFA football game will be more realistic than ever before – with new bribery and corruption scenarios, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

FIFA 16 will give players the chance to influence where in-game tournaments should be held by paying out large sums of cash to local football association officials.

The new gameplay will throw up hilarious and outrageous outcomes, such as World Cups being played in the Middle East, in a country with absolutely no footballing pedigree.

It might also allow a tournament to be played in a country which recently invaded a neighbour and seized its territories.

FIFA-16

Bribery and scandal comes to FIFA 16
An insider at software developers EA SPORTS said it was important to keep the gaming franchise as realistic as possible.

“We have to move with the times,” he said. “Alleged bribery has become part of world football, so it is only right and proper that we should include corruption in the newest version of the game.”

The Suffolk Gazette has seen test versions of the bribery scenarios, and can confirm players will be able to get away with the scandals for years without fear of being caught. Allegedly.

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Women secretly find cycling MAMILs sexy

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Women secretly find cycling MAMILs sexy

By Bernie Legg, Cycling Correspondent

Flabby male cyclists wearing tight lycra clothing have become unlikely sex symbols for women across Britain, a shock new study reveals.

The sight of a Middle-Aged Man in Lycra, dubbed a MAMIL, has become commonplace on Suffolk’s roads as guys of a certain age try to get fit before it’s too late.

But while many women openly joke about the frightful image of a man bulging from all the wrong places in figure-hugging shorts, it transpires this is actually a massive turn-on for them – but they’re simply too bashful to admit it.

mamil

Sex bomb: A MAMIL in all his glory on a Suffolk lane
More than 95% of those quizzed revealed they actually fantasized about middle-aged men in lycra, with many admitting they drove around the countryside on a Sunday morning in the hope of seeing them in the flesh.

And the study discovered that road rage incidents, where drivers seemingly despair about cyclists slowing them up, is actually caused by male drivers becoming seriously jealous of those on two wheels.

Professor Didier Strava, of Suffolk University’s psychology department, which commissioned the research, said men in cars became aggressive when they realised their partners in the passenger seat were ogling male cyclists.

“The women go all-a-quiver when they see a middle-aged man on his road bike, wearing tight lycra shorts that leave little to the imagination, and tight cycling jerseys that show off all the flabby bits.

“To try and cover their emotions up, women we surveyed admitted that when they spoke with their friends they ridiculed how middle-aged male cyclists look, but in fact, they were secretly yearning for their ‘company’ because they were more manly than their husbands ever could be.”

‘Waving their underwear’

One MAMIL from Ipswich, who asked not to be named for fear of attracting too much female interest, said: “We’ve known this for years. As we cycle along the sleepy lanes of Suffolk, women hang out of their cottage bedroom windows cooing and waving their underwear at us.”

The 47-year-old added: “I even had one woman trying to stop me on a quiet road through Tunstall Forest urging me to join her and her friend in the bushes.

“It’s quite shocking – we are only out to have a bit of exercise. But not THAT sort of exercise.”

Suffolk Police confirmed there are a rising number of complaints from male cyclists about unwanted female attention.

A spokesman said: “We respect women’s rights to admire middle-aged men in lycra shorts. But we advise they simply look and don’t try and touch.”

Kevin Pietersen career saved by Suffolk

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Kevin Pietersen career saved by Suffolk

EXCLUSIVE
By Jock Strapp, Cricket Correspondent

Cricket legend Kevin Pietersen has been offered a career lifeline with minor counties side, Suffolk.

The combative batsman was furious this week when the ECB confirmed he would never play for England again, claiming there was a “trust” issue between him and the national set-up.

Pietersen was furious, having just smashed a career-best 355 not out to prove he was on top form and ready to play test cricket again.

But after fearing his career was now in a tailspin, Pietersen has been offered the chance to shine at Suffolk, where officials say trust is not a major issue.

County selector Alfred Carstairs said: “The only thing we trust is that if he played for us against the likes of Bedfordshire or Norfolk, he’d get a world-record number of runs.

“There is just no way that Andrew Strauss and the rest of the ECB could ignore such performances, and he’d be back in the England team in time for the next Ashes series later this summer.”

Bowled over: Pietersen is humbled by the Suffolk approach
Pietersen currently plays for Surrey, a relatively unknown county side. The Suffolk Gazette understands he is interested in stepping up to the standard enjoyed in the Minor Counties League.

A friend of the star said: “Kevin’s ears pricked up when he heard Suffolk wanted him. This sort of opportunity does not come round very often. He loves that part of the world, too.”

His arrival, on a suggested salary of four cheese and pickle sandwiches a week and the use of a sponsored tractor, would not come soon enough for Suffolk, who as recently as this week were bowled out for just 83 runs by high-flying Cambridgeshire.

Meanwhile, the Suffolk company which invented the left-handed cricket bat, is said to be exploring sponsorship opportunities if Pietersen arrived in East Anglia.

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New Felixstowe-Midlands canal will ease road congestion

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New Felixstowe-Midlands canal will ease road congestion

Canal

By Jon Sergeant

A new canal, Britain’s first for more than 100 years, will link Felixstowe to the Midlands to solve Suffolk’s crippling road congestion.

The waterway, to be called the Suffolk Floater, will run special barges adapted to take containers traditionally used on heavy goods vehicles.

It will wipe out the need for most of the lorries clogging up the A12 to London and the A14 towards the Midlands – and it will slash the number of freight trains that impede commuter services to the capital every day.

The canal will cost a billion pounds, but by using zero hours contracts and migrant workers, ministers expect to come in under budget. They also believe that cash benefits from waterways leisure tourism will help recoup most of the cost in the future.

Huge environmental benefits have further persuaded the Government that the canal is the way forward.

The canal will start at Felixstowe Port and head alongside the A14 towards Ipswich, then out past Stowmarket, Bury and Newmarket to Cambridge.

From there is heads to Northampton, where it will connect to the existing UK canal network, enabling the barges to head north, continue to the West Midlands, across to London or the South West.

Special terminals built along the route will allow lorries to take containers off the barges to allow an onward journey to destinations away from the canal system.

The Suffolk Gazette understands that the transport industry was concerned about the time it would take for a container to travel along the canal at 4mph.

But once shown the cost benefits, and upon being told the British Waterways Authority would raise the speed limit to 6mph, they have signed up to the plan.

The canal will be completed in just three years since there will be no need for locks to be built in the flat landscape.

A government insider said: “The solution to Suffolk’s transports woes is a simple yet radical one. We’ll turn the clock back more than 100 years and use the water like the Victorians did, embracing a cheaper and more environmentally-friendly mode of transport.

“This will free up the region’s clogged roads, and leave railway lines for passenger rather than freight.

“And in doing so we’ll create hundreds of construction jobs – then enjoy a growth in leisure businesses along the whole stretch from Felixstowe to Northampton.”

A study of the proposed route shows some houses will need to be raised on stilts to allow the canal to run underneath.

One of those likely to affected is Bert Weedon of Bramford, near Ipswich. He said: “I don’t mind. Having a canal running underneath the house will be a big selling point.

“Plus with stilts we’ll have brilliant views from the living room.”

The news is the second big transport boost for Suffolk in weeks, after the Suffolk Gazette revealed a new tube line was being built from London to Ipswich. It could also mean the proposed 20mph speed limit on the A12 could be axed.

Fury as hay fever found to have nothing to do with hay

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Fury as hay fever found to have nothing to do with hay

Residents demanded to know the truth last night after it was revealed that hay fever has very little to do with hay.

As Suffolk sniffed and sneezed, experts also admitted that the condition was not actually a fever.

Despite the confusion, everyone agreed that when the temperatures rise, as they are doing this week, then people start feeling under the weather.

Dr Daley Sneezum, who has been studying hay fever for many years, told the Suffolk Gazette: “Hay fever has very little to do with hay. Yes, hay could contribute, but in the modern world anything pollen related can irritate us.

“The main culprits are grass (before it turns into hay), trees and certain weeds. Further, patients do not develop a fever as the name suggests. Instead, they may get itchy eyes, sneezing, runny noses and irritated throats.”

Those afflicted said the name of the condition should now be changed to better describe how they feel.

Agnes Harrison, 83, of Hasketon, Suffolk, said: “Hay fever is not to be sniffed at. But we should call it something that better reflects what it is – an irritation.

“So I suggest ‘Angry Labour Voters’, because they have become the most irritating thing in the world.”

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We sock it to the Green Party

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We sock it to the Green Party

EXCLUSIVE
By Polly Ticks, Political Editor

The Suffolk Gazette today uses the most scientific forecasting yet to reveal that the Green Party will secure a landslide victory in today’s General Election.

We carefully put five socks on the floor, each coloured to represent one of the main parties in England, then let the office dog loose to select the winner of today’s crucial vote.

There was high tension as the process began, with each sock being laid out in a sequence decided by a secret sock draw to ensure fair play.

From left to right it was: yellow of the Liberal Democrats, blue for Conservatives, purple for UKIP, green for the Greens, and red for Labour.

Sock election poll

Good yarn: the Suffolk Gazette political socks
Once independent auditors were satisfied all had been placed fairly, our political animal, Addy the chocolate labrador (short for Adnams), was invited into the room to make her selection.

And first it looked like she was going to annoint Ed Miliband’s Labour Party as the new Government.

Suffolk Gazette election sock

Is it Labour?
But then a last-second swing to the Greens meant an emphatic victory for Natalie Bennett’s Green Party.

voting green

Eat your greens: Addy selects the winning sock
The Suffolk Gazette sock decision will come as a shock as the nation goes to the polls today, as up to now no-one gave the Greens a chance.

A Green spokesman said: “We are grateful to the Suffolk Gazette for being the first to predict our victory.”

However, opposition parties claimed dirty tricks.

A spokesman for the Conservatives said: “Everyone knows dogs are colour blind. They don’t even recognise the colour green, but instead see a grey-to-blue spectrum.

“It’s quite clear, therefore, that your dog represents hard-working families and thought it was selecting the Conservative Party.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said our sock poll was “pants”.

Addy was not available for comment, having run off into the kitchen with the green sock, refusing to give it back.

dog sock

Escape: Addy with sock
sock vote

Political animal: Addy
Don’t miss our other top election exclusives: SNP faces poll oblivion, and UKIP football team relegated.

Orville gets new job as Norwich mascot

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Orville gets new job as Norwich mascot

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

An unemployed green duck has been hired by Norwich City owner Delia Smith to be the club’s new mascot.

Orville lost his job as an annoying, high-pitched duck when his boss, television entertainer Keith Harris died from cancer last week.

But while many thought that was the last they’d seen of the nappy-wearing green bird, Smith has amazed football by offering him a key role at Carrow Road.

Let’s be ‘aving you: Delia Smith has hired Orville
Smith reasoned Orville, who has ridiculous green feathers, would fit in perfectly at Norwich, a club which plays in a hideous green and yellow strip.

Orville will now parade around the pitch singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly’, just as Norwich prepare for a key two-legged play-off semi-final against East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town.

His appointment means an undignified end for ex-Norwich mascot Captain Canary, who will now spend his retirement years at a Cromer bird sanctuary.

Sacked: Captain Canary
Ipswich fans last night said Orville’s appointment was typical of bungling Norwich. One said: “Delia Smith made a cookery career of sticking her hand up birds’ backsides to stuff them, so it’s no surprise she has got herself a ventriloquist duck.

“It’s quackers. But when Ipswich beat Norwich in the play-offs, she can always cook the bloody thing.”

Meanwhile, Orville’s former sidekick, Cuddles the monkey, has not been offered any work since Harris died, aged 67.

“I hate that effing duck,” Cuddles told the Suffolk Gazette last night.

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Virgin on the ridiculous

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Virgin on the ridiculous

By Casey Jones, Railway Correspondent

Britain’s most polite mainline train service is to open a new line from Glasgow straight to the heart of Suffolk – just to prove how nice they are.

The much-criticised firm will run a thrice-weekly service from Scotland’s West Coast via Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds and Birmingham before crossing England to Ipswich.

Said to be frequently overcrowded, late and lacking decent catering, Virgin West Coast bosses say they can teach East Anglians “a thing or two about how to endure alleged p*ss-poor services without moaning about it constantly”.

A Virgin spokesman confirmed the plan was on the table but added a focus-group feasibility study was being conducted among its usual clientele before a final decision was made.

The service is scheduled to cost around £783.22 return off peak for a weekend ‘East Angular Traveller’ ticket.

New rolling stock will be added to the service by 2034, said Virgin.

Virgin trains heading to Suffolk
One passenger, originally from Stowmarket, on a recent Virgin service from Manchester to London Euston, observed: “The 2.5 hour journey was late, rammed to the bulkheads, had run out of beer before we passed Macclesfield and there were no staff to be seen.

“But four hours later I was chatting to a charming family from Manchester who were squatting in the first-class cycle racks.

“The atmosphere was amazing, even when the lights went out at Milton Keynes. I can’t wait for the Suffolk service – it’s a party all the way.”

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