Monday, March 10, 2025
Home Blog Page 370

Donald Trump hair repaired by thatcher

The Editor
-
3

United States presidential hopeful Donald Trump has hired a Suffolk thatcher to sort out his famous hair.

The American billionaire had been spotted in Suffolk twice in recent months, sparking rumours that he was planning to expand his luxury hotel empire to the region.

But the Suffolk Gazette can reveal he has in fact been in secret meetings with thatcher Derek Williams.

[AdSense-A]

Trump, 69, is famous for his cringeworthy hairstyle, which features a bizarre back-to-front combover. He fears it could cost him crucial votes should he be nominated by the Republicans to run for the presidency.

And he has told pals that he wakes up in a sweat at night from a recurring nightmare in which he is waving to the press as he steps off his presidential helicopter outside the White House – and the rotor blades blow his hair clean off.

Ivanka Trump stares in disbelief at her father’s hair

While trying to find a solution, Trump’s aids learnt about the famous work of Suffolk thatchers who specialise in repairing the roofs of picture-postcard cottages.

They discovered that secret techniques used by the skilled craftsmen could be used on human hair to create a thicker look that was stronger in all weather conditions.

We understand that during one of his consultations in Suffolk with Mr Williams, Mr Trump was put in a specialist wind tunnel to see how his hair would withstand the worst of windy conditions.

The power was switched on to the “hurricane” setting to simulate how Mr Trump would have fared in the Great Storm of 1987 – and the hair stayed successfully in place.

Mr Williams is now believed to be receiving a £500,000 fee to repair Mr Trump’s hair in four special sittings at a secret location in London.

A friend of the thatcher said: “He is delighted. Some of the cottages he has to work with are tricky, but Trump’s hair is his most difficult project yet.

“He’s looking forward to all the money, and if successful this could open up a whole new line of work for him.”

Trump’s aids refused to comment on the hair claims. “There’s not a strand of truth in it,” one said.

suffolk-thatched-roof

Mr Williams normally works on cottage rooftops

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

Farmers hurl vegetables in tractor rage attacks

The Editor
-
0
Farmers hurl vegetables in tractor rage attacks

Exclusive
By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

Country lanes have become a bloody battle ground with rival farm workers fighting each other in their rush to get the harvest in on time.

Police have been called to a worrying number of so-called “tractor rage” incidents, where farmers have been hurling vegetables as well as abuse with each other.

Problems escalate when tractors from rival farms meet head-on in a narrow lane – and both refuse to back down.

In one case this week in Ashbocking, near Ipswich, a farmer dispatched his slurry trailer and hosed down his neighbour’s workers because they refused to budge from the road.

Police were called to the slurry-spraying drama

The problem is magnified in August as farmers rush to harvest cereal crops like wheat and barley – just as other vegetables including onions, potatoes and even leeks also need collecting.

With only a small window of time to get it all done between rainy days, tempers fray quickly.

At Peasenhall, near Framlingham, two tractors from rival farms met head-on and the situation soon got out of hand.

One farmer had a trailer of potatoes, the other was full of onions. These became perfect “missiles” as the red-faced pair ducked and dived behind their trailors while launching vegetables at each other.

Police sped to that incident after a mum out for a walk complained a potato landed in her baby’s pram. Both tractor drivers were cautioned for public order offences.

Large leek

Elsewhere, in Ixworth another incident led to a farm worker being hospitalised after he was slapped around the head with a large leek.

One man was arrested and will appear before Bury St Edmunds magistrates on Monday, charged with assault and the possession of a dangerous vegetable.

A police spokesman told the Suffolk Gazette: “We appreciate getting the harvest in is always a stressful time of year for farmers.

“However, we would urge them to keep a lid on their tempers and be respectful to each other on country lanes.

“Throwing vegetables at each other is not the way for grown-up men to behave, and we will make more arrests if it continues.”

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

Ducks evolved from Norfolk, scientists prove

The Editor
-
4
Ducks evolved from Norfolk, scientists prove

It’s famous for mustard, turkey and North Sea crabs, but now scientists have discovered that Norfolk is where ducks first evolved.

A five-year study at the University of East Anglia revealed ducks’ webbed feet share almost identical DNA with the townsfolk of Cromer.

Now boffins have received funding to begin a further study to back up the findings.

Of particular interest is why women in Norfolk have unusually large amounts of body hair and a passion for swimming, while local men have long, thin beak-like noses and skinny legs.

The scientists expect to conclude that ducks and residents of Norfolk are indeed close relatives.

A local boy in Cromer shows classic signs of an affinity with ducks

Dr Terence Johnson, who led the UEA study, was excited about the findings. He told the Suffolk Gazette: “The webbed feet link between ducks and Norfolk people is perhaps the biggest leap in evolutionary theory in years.

“I’m sure your readers in Suffolk have laughed for years about Norfolk people having webbed feet, but now we have discovered a very good reason for it.

“We can show that evolution has taken many tens of thousands of years, with the common duck evolving from the same sub-human species. DNA specifically nails down a link to the Cromer area on the North Norfolk coast.”

The discovery may force Norwich City Football Club to rethink its famous Canaries nickname, instead putting a duck on the club badge.

But the study was rubbished by Cromer mayor George Mallard.

“It’s quackers,” he said.

Like us on Facebook:

Kim Jong-Un backs Jeremy Corbyn

The Editor
-
1
Kim Jong-Un backs Jeremy Corbyn

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By The Editor

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has become the first political leader to back Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour leadership campaign.

Speaking exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette from his secret holiday home, Mr Jong-Un, 32, told how he admired Mr Corbyn’s left-wing policies, particularly the bit about “nationalising everything”.

He said Mr Corbyn’s plan for equality had worked “very well, thank you” in his own country, and that Britain would benefit from the left-winger’s vision for a “marxist state”.

Our world exclusive interview was granted while Mr Jong-Un was enjoying a summer break at his caravan on the Suffolk coast near Sizewell, which was revealed by the Suffolk Gazette earlier this year.

His advisers were impressed at how we declined to disclose exactly where the caravan was, meaning the leader can continue to pop over to Britain for breaks without fear of being bothered by dog walkers or fellow holidaymakers.

After a whirlwind series of calls and emails to his team, Mr Jong-Un agreed to a five-minute audience on the decking outside his sparkling 38-foot Horizon Cavalier mobile home.

kim jong-un fishing
Kim Jong-Un enjoys fishing on the Suffolk coast

I traveled to the normal-looking holiday park and approached his caravan, which looked like any other on the site. As children played happily on the beach below, and people strolled along the coastal path outside his front window, Mr Jong-Un was enjoying that most British of traditions – drinking a cup of tea while reading a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

He welcomed me warmly, and insisted on showing off his caravan before we got down to business. He was proud of the three bedrooms and the fact that his caravan had running hot water and central heating – something, I declined to point out, that most of those in North Korea could only dream of.

“And look at the view,” he said, standing by the front window in the sitting area. “The North Sea. It is beautiful, isn’t it?

“I love it here in your Suffolk. The pace of life is much slower than back home, and I can unwind and take time off from being such a brilliant and inspiring leader.”

horizon cavalier caravan
Kim Jong-Un’s Suffolk caravan

Running his hand through his famous hair, Mr Jong-Un, wearing jeans, sandals and a ‘I love cycling’ t-shirt, led me outside to talk on the decking area, where his sunloungers still had the John Lewis labels on.

As we sat down, he confirmed we only had five minutes to chat, and that he only wanted to talk about one thing – Jeremy Corbyn.

“Since being in England this week I have grown to admire your Mr Corbyn. He has very similar politics and values to me: equality for all and putting everything under national control.

“I have not yet heard him talk about large weekly military parades in London, but I would recommend he does that because it scares the hell out of everyone else.

“His politics are better than the others running for the leadership. I saw that Andy Burnham on your television news service and he looks like a girl.

“And the other two candidates ARE girls… this should never be allowed in Government.”

Mr Jong-Un said his team were happy to offer friendship to Mr Corbyn, and looked forward to close diplomatic ties if he ever won office.

“I should like to buy him a caravan in North Korea so he could enjoy holidays in my country, just like I love coming here.

“But do not worry, we would make sure the caravan is situated well away from the prison camps.”

With that, Mr Jong-Un decided the interview was over as he was going to nearby Thorpeness to enjoy an afternoon boating on the Mere.

“I like going in the punt,” he said. “I’m pretty sure I heard someone shouting at me that I was a big punt, so I thought, ‘That’s the boat for me’.

With that, he was swept off in his unassuming 1997 Vauxhall Corsa. I shook hands with his advisers and left the coast reflecting on such a brilliant scoop.

The Suffolk Gazette is already in negotiations for a second interview where we go on a beer-tasting session with Mr Jong-Un at Suffolk country pubs.

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

Anglers admit fishing is pointless

The Editor
-
3
Anglers admit fishing is pointless

Exclusive
By Courtney Pike
Angling Correspondent

Suffolk fishing enthusiasts have finally admitted that their hobby is completely pointless.

After years of sitting about on damp riverbanks waiting for something to happen, they conceded that it rarely did.

And even when they actually managed to catch a fish, they had to put it straight back again.

“It’s slowly dawned on us that we’re wasting our time,” sighed angling fan Dave Barry, 44, from Badingham, near Framlingham. “We sit around on our own for hours at a time staring at a float in the water, waiting for a bite.

“And that’s about as exciting as it gets.”

Dave has been fishing at weekends since he was nine years old, spending a fortune on the latest equipment. But he now realises life has completely passed him by.

“I’ve got a whole new world to explore now,” he enthused. “But I might ease myself in gently by taking up golf.”

imageHook, line and stinker: not a lot happening

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

Concern at craze for pushing over cows

The Editor
-
3
Concern at craze for pushing over cows

Exclusive
By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

Suffolk farmers are becoming increasingly concerned about a new cow-tipping craze sweeping the county.

Young men are sneaking up on unsuspecting cows and pushing them over, leaving them laying on the ground and unable to get up.

[AdSense-A]

The mad fad is believed to have started near Blythburgh in the north east of the county, but has now spread as far afield as Icklingham in the west.

One farmer, Giles Ruddy, who keeps a dairy herd near Hollesley, went to his field one morning last week to find all 50 of his cows had been pushed over by pranksters.

Cow on the ground

Cow-tipping: Udderly ridiculous

Creeping up on cows and pushing them over does not harm the animals, but vets believe they may become psychologically disturbed and no longer produce good quality milk.

Now farmers are calling on the police to increase rural patrols at pub closing time, when most of the cow-tipping incidents take place.

Mr Ruddy said: “It might be funny at the time, but pushing my cows over when they are least suspecting it is unfair as I have to go around picking them all up again. Police should be looking out for this sort of thing.”

Detective Inspector Frank Drebin, of Suffolk Police, said: “There is no actual law against pushing cows over. However, young men might well be committing trespass offences, and we would advise them to keep away from the farmers’ fields.

“There is also a dangerous element, in that a cow could fall on a person and squash them.”

One teenager from Melton, who refused to give his name, said: “There’s nothing for us to do round here. Pushing over cows is free entertainment, and it keeps us off the streets. And we think the cows quite enjoy it.”

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

Morris dancers and blind footballers in mass brawl

The Editor
-
39
Morris dancers and blind footballers in mass brawl

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

Police were called after a mass brawl broke out in a pub car park between a group of morris dancers and a blind football team.

The footballers were enjoying a match on the village green at Rattlesden, near Stowmarket, using a ball with a bell in it so they could keep up with play.

But all hell broke out when the morris dancers began performing at a nearby pub.

A player kicked the ball off the pitch towards the Brewers Arms and then mistook the morris dancers’ uniform bells for the one in the ball.

He promptly kicked one of the dancers in the shin, sending him flying over a table and crashing into a flower pot. A hanging basket then fell on his head.

In an unfolding story that could only have been crafted by a freelance copywriter or content writer, More blind footballers then joined the melee, kicking out at the bells and then being surprised when they were punched by furious morris men.

The brawl was only stopped when the referee caught up and blew his whistle loudly.

Morris dancers

Three morris men suffered severely bruised legs, while one of the footballers had a cut caused by being hit on the head with a morris dancer’s stick.

With everyone blaming each other, the police were called to sort out the mess.

A Suffolk police spokesman said: “It was certainly an unusual call from one of the locals in the pub. By the time we got there it had all calmed down, and both sides realised how the mistake had been made.

“In fact, they had made up and were all enjoying a drink together, although a couple were still being patched up by the landlord’s wife.

“We took no further action, but recommended that the morris men did not use bells on their uniforms when the blind footballers were playing nearby.”

Don’t be a mug – buy one of these

Support the Suffolk Gazette’s quality journalism by purchasing one of our mugs from DirtyOldGoat.com – now with free UK delivery…

Shock as Ipswich win cup match

The Editor
-
0
Shock as Ipswich win cup match

There was widespread shock in Suffolk last night as Ipswich finally won a cup match under Mick McCarthy.

It has taken eight matches and nearly three seasons for the Town boss to win a game in the FA or Capital One Cup.

But McCarthy had a cunning tactic to beat Stevenage at Portman Road – combining two midgets to score the winner.

Pint-sized Jay Tabb slotted home a clever cross from David McGoldrick after a sweet move involving the even-smaller Ryan Fraser.

Teddy Sheringham’s visitors complained they did not even see Tabb or Fraser in the grass.

Pleased as punch: McCarthy finally wins

Victory over Stevenage, who had taken a predictable lead in the first half, gave fans a much-needed reminder of what it is like to progress to the next round of a cup.

McCarthy’s cup record record is losing to Stevenage previously, crashing out to Crawley, getting beaten at Aston Villa, bowing out at Preston after a replay, and losing to Southampton at home after a gritty draw at St Mary’s last season.

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

1...369370371...380Page 370 of 380

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us