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Lowestoft’s Gull Wing Bridge renamed Gull Poo Bridge

The Editor
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Lowestoft’s Gull Wing Bridge renamed Gull Poo Bridge
Lowestoft’s Gull Wing Bridge renamed Gull Poo Bridge

LAKE LOTHING, LOWESTOFT – In the latest twist to the ongoing saga of the construction of the new Gull Wing bridge in Lowestoft. Suffolk Council has announced further delays due to an unexpected issue: the color of the bridge.

Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

According to hard-hatted Chief Building Supervisor, Lorraine Fisher, 34, the bridge arrived in a shade of white that was not quite up to par with expectations.

“It looked nice on the brochure,” Fisher lamented, “but when we got it, it looked a bit too ‘seagull white.’ We were hoping for a more ‘bird poo white’ finish.”

Numerous setbacks

The Gull Wing bridge, touted as an iconic and important infrastructure project for Lowestoft. It was intended to be a much-needed addition to the town’s landscape. Designed to reduce traffic congestion, regenerate the area, and attract new investment to the local economy. The bridge has faced numerous setbacks since its inception.

Originally scheduled to open in 2024, the project has been plagued by delays, ranging from funding issues to construction challenges. However, the latest setback involving the colour of the bridge has left many rubbing their foreheads in frustration.

“It’s absurd,” remarked local resident Peter Johnson, 45. “We’ve been waiting for this bridge for years, and now it’s being held up because of the colour? Who cares what colour it is? They want it bird poo white? It will be bird poo white by the time they finish it, ffs.”

Gull Wing Bridge opening

As construction crews scramble to find a solution to the colour conundrum. Residents are left to wonder when, if ever, the Gull Wing Bridge will finally become a reality. In the meantime, traffic congestion continues to be a headache for commuters, and hopes for a brighter, whiter future for Lowestoft remain on hold.

Must Read: Council workers teach history lessons in Ipswich while road is blocked due to construction

Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field

The Editor
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Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field
Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field
Neolithic ‘Barbie & Ken’ dolls dug up in Essex field

ILFORD, ESSEX –  A team of archaeologists in Ilford, Essex, has unearthed 3,000-year-old stone figures of Barbie & Ken. Depicting ancient Suffolk hut-dwellers who embarked on an unexpected journey far beyond their county borders.

Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike

The figures, standing approximately 25cm in height, portray a male and female (Barbie & Ken) with explicit anatomical details. Shedding light on the bizarre sex parts of Middle Neolithic Suffolk.

The stone artefacts suggest that the intrepid Suffolk villagers ventured further afield than was previously thought. Reaching what is now the border between Essex and East London. Archaeologists are abuzz with the revelation that the ancient inhabitants were not merely confined to their Suffolk abodes but embraced a spirit of exploration.

I’m a Barbie girl, in a Middle Neolithic world

Curiously, the figures depict the Suffolk explorers in a state of undress. Their genitals boldly exposed—a detail that has sparked lively debates among historians. Some speculate the figurines are early religious icons symbolizing their tribe’s deference to their gods. While others say they look more like early Barbie & Ken dolls.

Barbie & Ken mystery

The mystery deepens as to why these ancient Suffolk pioneers, having ventured into the borderlands of Essex and East London. Failed to bring back any advanced technology or knowledge to their home village.

Historians are scratching their heads, wondering if perhaps the allure of Ilford’s ancient wonders was outweighed by the reluctance to share newfound sophistication with their savage Suffolk brethren.

Tits and arses

Some commentators are seizing upon this ancient oversight as an explanation. For what many people regard as the retardation of people of modern-day Suffolk. The notion that the failure to bring back advanced technology millennia ago somehow reflects on present-day Suffolk residents has sparked outrage among locals. Who argue that they would rather be seen as backwards Suffolk country folk, than egotistical Essex chavs.

Meanwhile: Neolithic dig unearths ancient Norwich City football trophy

Sainsbury’s bananas for ‘experienced’ shoppers only

The Editor
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Sainsbury’s bananas for ‘experienced’ shoppers only
Sainsbury’s bananas for ‘experienced’ shoppers only
Sainsbury’s bananas for ‘experienced’ shoppers only

HEMLEY, SUFFOLK – Sainsbury’s Local, shoppers were taken aback to find “experienced bananas”. Being sold for a mere 25p per pound from a makeshift bargain bin shopping trolley.

Farming Correspondent (intern): Ivor Traktor

While the discounted fruit sparked a mad scramble among regular customers eager for a bargain. many couldn’t help but question the meaning behind the term “experienced.”

As shoppers pondered over the peculiar labelling, speculation ran rampant about what exactly constituted an “experienced” banana. Some customers jokingly suggested that the fruit had perhaps embarked on a journey of self-discovery. Even undergone rigorous training in the art of banana-ing.

However, the prevailing concern among shoppers was whether the term hinted at a more suggestive history for the bananas before they ended up on the supermarket shelf.

Monkey telephones

Some speculated that the bananas may have been moonlighting as props in exotic fruit-themed adult films. While others suggested they may have served as monkey telephones.

Despite the ambiguity surrounding their backstory, the allure of discounted bananas proved too tempting for bargain-hunting shoppers to resist. As they filled their baskets with the budget-friendly fruit. Whispers about the bananas’ historic expertise spread through the aisles, adding a touch of humour to the usually drab grocery shop.

In the end, whether the “experienced” bananas were seasoned travellers. Veteran performers, or simply overripe remnants subject to a clever marketing ploy remained a mystery as slippery and elusive as an experienced banana skin.

Dont miss: The full-fat cream ‘special offer’ at Sainsbury’s

Meanwhile: Asda is offering a new delivery service

Mourners flounder at Fishmonger’s funeral

The Editor
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Mourners flounder at Fishmonger’s funeral
Mourners flounder at Fishmonger’s funeral
Mourners flounder at Fishmonger’s funeral

ST. ANDREWS CHAPEL, IPSWICH – The traffic enforcer boldly towed away the hearse, leaving mourners at the funeral with a final wail.

Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

The funeral of beloved Ipswich fishmonger, Terence Perkins, took an unexpected detour when the hearse meant to carry his coffin to the Ipswich City Cemetery was unceremoniously towed away due to a parking violation.

As funeral mourners gathered outside St. Andrews Chapel to bid farewell to the 102-year-old ex-purveyor of tuna, salmon and hake, they were met with the mournful sight of the hearse being hoisted onto a truck by unforgiving traffic enforcement officers.

With the hearse out of commission, the pallbearers found themselves at a loss for how to transport Perkins’ coffin to its final resting place. It was then that a friend of the deceased, known locally as “Mick the Milk,” came to the rescue with his trusty milk float.

Cod rest his soul

Eventually, amidst tears of sadness and relief, Perkins’ coffin was loaded onto the milk float. Hastily adorned with flowers, ribbons and a couple of sprigs of dill, for the impromptu funeral procession.

As the makeshift cortege slowly made its way through the sombre streets of Ipswich Town Centre, it drew puzzled stares and amused whispers from bewildered onlookers, some of them former customers of Perkins’ Fishmongers on the High Street.

Eel be missed

Despite the delay and unconventional mode of transport. Perkins, interred in an oak coffin lined with crushed ice, was finally laid to rest with the dignity, respect and seasoning befitting a man of his mongerly stature in the community.

Must Read: Facing the loss of a father can stir mixed emotions. Mourning is natural, but what if your dad’s legacy was far from rosy? Perhaps, for some, relief might mingle with sorrow.

Suffolk Church flouts word of God

The Editor
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Suffolk Church flouts word of God
Suffolk Church flouts word of God
Suffolk Church flouts word of God

FLOWTON, SUFFOLK – St. Luke’s church in the quaint Suffolk village of Flowton is publicising a devilish offer to its parishioners: “two free wanks” per month.

The eyebrow-raising proposition is purportedly aimed at male members of the community who have found themselves addicted to internet pornography.

While some regular churchgoers have been left incredulous by the suggestive offer, others view it as a genuine attempt to rescue those who have succumbed to the allure of free online porn.

Suffolk Church’s vicar, Reverend William Handy, defended the initiative, insisting that it was born out of a desire to provide support and guidance to individuals grappling with their cocks addiction.

Boobs, bums, and ballbags

However, not everyone is convinced of the Suffolk church’s noble intentions. Henrietta Pish, chair of the Bury St Edmunds chapter of the campaign group Residents Against Everything (RAGE), minced no words in her criticism of the scheme. “Boobs, bums, and ballbags. The vicar appears to have nothing but sex on the brain,” she remarked scathingly. “I think he should remember what is written in Thessalonians 4:4 ‘that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable.’ Really!”

Suffolk Church critics

The controversial offer has sparked heated debate both within and outside the church community, with opinions sharply divided on whether it represents a genuine attempt at intervention or a misguided foray into the realm of sexual liberation.

Only time will tell whether St. Luke’s will succeed in its mission to wean parishioners off their digital vices and devices or whether the initiative will ultimately be judged a load of old wank.

Meanwhile: Church closes doors and moves to Tesco

More Guineas Success at Newmarket for O’Brien?

The Editor
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More Guineas Success at Newmarket for O’Brien?
More Guineas Success at Newmarket for O’Brien?

The first weekend of May will see the eyes of the horse racing world focused on Newmarket. On May 4th and 5th the first two Classics of the UK flat season take place. It’s likely to be another successful one for Irish trainer Aiden O’Brien or will we see some surprise results.

Betting on horse racing remains so popular around the globe. The gambling industry is expanding and across the Atlantic the Twin online casino Canada sees a steady stream of gamblers looking to place more wagers.

Saturday May 4th sees the 2000 Guineas take place and the odds-on favourite is City of Troy trained by Aiden O’Brien. The irishman has trained the winner of this race on a record ten occasions first doing so in 1998,

His last 2000 Guineas triumph was in 2019 when completing a hat-trick of wins with Magna Grecia. He’ll be hoping that the unbeaten City of Troy will give him a record extending 11th win. O’Brien has described this runner as the best two-year-old he’s ever trained.

City of Troy had three races as a two-year-old and won all of them. There’s often a concern that a racetrack might not suit a horse. There is no need to be worried on that score here as two of his wins have come at Newmarket. Both were Group races and won in style. The latter was the Dewhurst Stakes where the Irish raider made all.

Some rain won’t worry City of Troy as he’s won on good to soft and soft ground. His maiden win was achieved at the Curragh on good ground. The three-year-old is also the favourite to win the Epsom Derby in June.

The following day it’s the 1000 Guineas and this is much harder to predict. O’Brien has won this race seven times putting him two behind record holder George Fordham. All of Fordham’s wins came in the 19th century which just shows what an historic race the 1000 Guineas is.

Currently favourite to give O’Brien an eighth win and his first since 2021 is Opera Singer. Unlike City of Troy, this filly is not unbeaten but has a good reason for that being the case after being hampered.

Since then three out of four races have ended in victory. The other defeat being by just a head at the Curragh. That race was run over seven furlongs and Opera Singer has an extra furlong to travel in the 1000 Guineas.

Of her three wins, two have come in Ireland at the Curragh and the season ending victory was at Longchamp in France. That was an impressive five length win in a Group One race. Opera Singer virtually made all and went clear in the final furlong.

Yet another good couple of days for Aiden O’Brien looks very likely. It could be like an early Christmas for the Irish trainer.

City hunts down Liverpool on ‘big game’ Sunday

The Editor
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City hunts down Liverpool on ‘big game’ Sunday
City hunt down Liverpool on ‘big game’ Sunday

In a dramatic encounter on Sunday at Anfield, Manchester City and Liverpool battled to a thrilling 1-1 draw. With the match overshadowed by an unexpected interruption – a stampede of wildebeest across the pitch that sent players and officials scrambling for safety.

Sports Correspondent: Jock Strapp

Date 10th March 2024 – PREMIER LEAGUE
Liverpool 1 Manchester City 1
A Mac Allister (50′ minutes PEN)HT 0-1J Stones (23′ minutes)

The game began with Manchester City taking the lead through John Stones’ clever first-half opener from a corner. However, Liverpool fought back strongly in the second half, with Alexis Mac Allister levelling the score from the penalty spot after Ederson’s rash challenge on Darwin Nunez.

City Liverpool Sunday Match

Despite missing key players like Ibrahima Konate and having Mohamed Salah on the bench, Liverpool dominated the rest of the game. Luis Diaz had several chances to put Liverpool ahead but failed to convert, adding to the tension of the match.

Nobody could have predicted what happened in the 71st minute when the game was temporarily halted as 300 wildebeest broke into the stadium and stampeded across the famous Anfield turf. Players sprinted to the safety of the dugouts and clambered on top of goalposts to avoid a nasty collision and fortunately, no one was hurt. After the dust settled on the extraordinary invasion, the game re-started with Liverpool in the ascendancy.

The last minute shot

As the game reached its climax, City substitute Jeremy Doku almost snatched a late winner, striking the post with a powerful shot in the 89th minute. Then, in stoppage time, Doku survived a VAR check for a potential penalty after a high-boot challenge on Mac Allister, sparking heated debate among pundits and managers alike.

Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp was adamant that the challenge warranted a penalty, citing the danger posed by Doku’s high foot. However, TV pundits Jamie Carragher and Roy Keane disagreed, suggesting that the officials made the correct decision.

Amidst the controversy, VAR ultimately ruled in favor of Manchester City, determining that Doku had played the ball, not committing a foul.

All went in vein

Despite the drama and debate, neither side could secure the win, leaving Arsenal happily atop the Premier League table on goal difference. Liverpool drop to second on 64 points, City third with 63, and the rest of the herd trailing far behind.

Meanwhile: Norwich City orders extra ox carts for fans going to Ipswich

Suffolk anglers celebrated urban fishing Championship

The Editor
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Suffolk anglers celebrated urban fishing Championship
Suffolk anglers celebrated urban fishing Championship
Suffolk anglers celebrated urban fishing Championship

SAXMUNDHAM, SUFFOLK – The Suffolk coarse fishing championship has taken an unexpected turn this year. Swapping the serene banks of the River Orwell for the treacherous urban terrain of Fairfield Road in Saxmundham. And the reason? You guessed it – Potholes!

As the county’s pothole problem reaches epidemic proportions, keen fishermen have seized upon the opportunity, relocating the annual championship to the residential road, which boasts a staggering 40 large and deep water-filled craters, each approximately two meters in diameter.

Rod Panhandle, Treasurer of the Saxmundham Fishing Club, expressed excitement at the new venue’s prospects. “It’s certainly a departure from tradition,” remarked Panhandle, “but with Fairfield Road being home to some of our contestants, it’s certainly easier to get to than the River Orwell.”

Holy mackerel

Indeed, the decision to relocate was met with mixed reactions from the angling community, with some embracing the novelty of fishing amidst the hustle and bustle of urban life, while others claim they have been ‘sold down the river’ lamenting the loss of the tranquil riverside setting.

But for Panhandle and his fellow fishermen, the allure of the potholes proved irresistible. With the promise of reeling in prize-worthy catches – be they perch, pike, or perhaps even the elusive goldfish – contestants eagerly descended upon Fairfield Road, armed with rods, bait, and a healthy dose of optimism.

Uniqueness

Of course, navigating the treacherous terrain posed its own set of challenges. As anglers cast their lines into the murky depths, they found themselves contending not only with aggravated motorists and traffic wardens, but also with the occasional urban detritus—bicycle wheels, discarded trainers, and other relics of modern life lurking beneath the surface.

Yet amidst the urban chaos, there were moments of triumph. As the weigh-in commenced, cheers erupted from the crowd as anglers proudly displayed their hauls, their faces beaming with pride at the fruits of their labour.

As the sun set on a revolutionary day in the world of angling, one thing became abundantly clear: even the most unlikely of venues can yield bountiful rewards for those fishermen bold enough to cast their lines into the unknown.

Meanwhile: Anglers admit fishing is pointless

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