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Bungling robbers raid sperm bank

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Bungling robbers raid sperm bank

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

Two men who attempted to rob a sperm bank were today labelled Britain’s dumbest criminals.

The pair burst into the Suffolk Sperm Bank building in Ipswich expecting to grab cash and jewellery – but instead they found only desposits of a different kind.

Police collared the disappointed-looking pair as they attempted to escape clutching nothing more than a few pornographic magazines.

Detective Inspector Paul Hood told the Suffolk Gazette: “The two men were Eastern European and had clearly recognised the word ‘bank’ on the signs outside the building.

“But they evidently had no idea that a sperm bank was something very different.

“Armed with a lead pipe, they burst in through the front door, and CCTV pictures from inside the building clearly show them scratching their heads as they wondered where all the safes containing money were.

‘Pull it off’

“Rather than rows of cashiers behind security screens and hundreds of thousands of pounds, they were confronted with nothing more than a receptionist and a few embarrassed-looking men.

“They probably still hoped to pull it off, but the building’s alarm went off. We arrested the bungling robbers as they tried to run off up Tavern Street.”

Bungling robbers raid sperm bank

Det Insp Hood said two men, aged 27 and 31, had been charged with attempted robbery and would appear before Ipswich magistrates in the morning. One was named locally last night as Jack Meoff.

No-one in the bank was hurt, although the receptionist was said to be “shocked”.

A spokesman for the Suffolk Sperm Bank said: “We are very grateful to the police for taking this in hand. Our receptionist was worried these men would take out their weapons and put their empty sack on the table in front of her.

“You could say that it turned into a bit of an anti-climax for the robbers.”

Don’t travel to Haverhill, Brits warned

The Editor
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Don’t travel to Haverhill, Brits warned

By Hugh Dunnett

The Foreign Office has warned British holidaymakers not to travel to Haverhill because of a growing threat of disappointment.

Officials have also begun a mass evacuation of those currently stuck in the Suffolk town, putting on a fleet of taxis to take them home.

Although once a settlement around at the time of the Domesday book, Haverhill was identified as a London overspill town in the 1960s.

And now it has little in common with the neighbouring sleepy towns of Suffolk, like Bury St Edmunds and Lavenham.

Government officials have recognised disappointment for British tourists is “highly likely” and they have ordered them all to leave.

haverhill-church

Even the local church admits to disappointment issues

A Foreign Office spokesman said: “Haverhill was once a great place to visit for curious tourists who wanted to try somewhere a little different.

“But new information from our security services indicate we can no longer guarantee a lack of disappointment.

“For this reason alone, we are ordering everyone to leave, and go to the coast instead, where the likes of Aldebrugh, Orford or Southwold are waiting.”

However, holidaymakers heading instead to Aldeburgh and Southwold were warned to avoid the police tanks parked at the entrances to the towns to keep the commoners away.

It is thought there are currently 27 British holidaymakers stuck in Haverhill, mostly staying in the town’s bed and breakfasts. Officials were today desperately trying to contact them and reassure relatives they were safe.

Haverhill businesses who rely on visitors were furious at the Foreign Office.

“This is just giving in to the moaners,” said Baz Cockney, who runs a pie and mash cafe in the town centre. “We are not in the least bit disappointing, guv’nor.”

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PC Plod forced to change name

The Editor
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PC Plod forced to change name

EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

A policeman has been forced to change his name by deed poll after being ridiculed on the street for years.

Chris Plod, from Letsby Avenue, Ipswich was fed up with being a real-life PC Plod, which made him a target for local pranksters.

“Wherever I went on patrol in my size ten boots, school kids would point and shout, ‘Here comes PC Plod’.

“It was very upsetting.

“People would not take me seriously. I am meant to be a figure of authority, not a figure of fun.”

image
PC Plod

After permission from his bosses at Suffolk Police, Mr Plod, 27, has now changed his name to save his blushes.

He will now be known as PC Nick Copper.

“I’m much happier now,” he told the Suffolk Gazette.

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Farmer uses sex dolls for scarecrows

The Editor
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Farmer uses sex dolls for scarecrows

EXCLUSIVE
By Ivor Traktor

A Suffolk farmer who bought 20 life-sized sex dolls at a police auction is now using them as scarecrows.

Frank Morris, 58, believes the blow-up dolls’ full, voluptuous lips and generously-proportioned bodies are just the thing to scare off a blue tit or two.

Mr Morris, of Comfort Farm, near Beccles, revealed: “Gone are the days when you could stick a melon on top of a broom handle and throw a sack over it.

“If you want to scare a crow these days you have to be creative.”

To protect their modesty, Mr Morris has dressed each doll in clothes purchased from local charity shops.

“It’s all been tastefully done,” he insisted, adding that he has to inspect each ‘lady’ every morning to ensure she was still pumped up.

Frank Morris shows the field where he is putting his next ‘scarecrow’

The stolen sex dolls were seized when police stopped a lorry outside of Great Cornard, near Sudbury. Unable to contact the manufacturer, the police placed the dolls at auction, where they were snapped up by Mr Morris, the only bidder.

His wife Ethel returned home from a shopping trip to find the 20 naked, life-sized inflatable dolls in her living room. Mr Morris has not seen his wife since.

Mr Morris is expecting the new scarecrows to improve his crop yield significantly, and other farmers are rumoured to be watching with interest. Indeed, Ebay has already seen prices skyrocket during a sex-doll bidding war.

Mr Morris was not concerned that the roads around his fields may become congested due to drivers slowing down to stare.

“With me driving around in my tractor they’ll barely get out of second gear anyway,” he said.

It is believed the local Women’s Institute has complained about the sex dolls. But Mr Morris claimed the members’ husbands were very supportive of his idea.

The news comes just months after music sensation Ed Sheeran was mistaken for a scarecrow in a field near his family home in Framlingham.

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Cocky Aussies get Ashes sledging lessons

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Cocky Aussies get Ashes sledging lessons

Australian cricketers have taken secret lessons to improve their unsporting sledging techniques ahead of the Ashes series, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Michael Clarke’s side spent two days at a countryside retreat near Woodbridge to learn new ways to wind up England’s plucky batsmen.

The cocky Australians are certain they will successfully defend the Ashes when the first test begins in Cardiff next Thursday.

And they reckon employing new sledging techniques, for which they have excelled in the past, will boost their chances even further.

Aussie skipper Michael Clarke shows off the Ashes trophy

Before playing Essex in a one-day warm-up this week, the Australian team stayed at the Gooday Barbey conference centre on the edge of Tunstall Forest to learn from leading sports psychologist Bruce Tinny.

He led each player through a new range of sledging techniques, including threats of physical injury to batsmen, posing questions about the opposition’s sexual ability, and asking if an opposing batsman “knew where your wife was”.

An insider at Gooday Barbey told the Suffolk Gazette: “The Australians were keen to learn as much as possible about modern-day-sledging techniques. They also drunk the bar dry of lager.

“Clearly they will be using their new knowledge against the poor England batsmen in the Ashes.

“But fair play always wins through, and I expect the England boys will win the Ashes back for the nation using only good sportsmanship.”

A spokesman for the Australian team refused to comment on the sledging seminar, adding only: “You’re about to get your head knocked off.”

Sledging has been used by crafty Aussies for decades. In the mid 1970s they were dubbed the Ugly Australians for tirades led by Rod Marsh and Ian Chappell against the opposition.

A few decades later, fast bowler Merv Hughes became famous for winding-up batsmen.

Merv Hughes gives a friendly message to Graeme Hick

For more top cricket news, see Kevin Pietersen’s career saved by Suffolk, and read about the invention of the world’s first left-handed cricket bat.

It’s getting too hot, moans everyone

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It’s getting too hot, moans everyone

Suffolk residents who have spent weeks moaning about the poor summer were today upset that it was getting too hot.

Now that the sun is shining and temperatures are soaring towards 30 degrees, it’s all got too much for everyone who likes to moan whatever the weather.

Wendy Jacobson, who lives near Woodbridge wailed: “It’s far too hot. You can’t go outside without getting sweaty. We need a good storm to clear the air.”

When told that only days ago she was moaning about the summer getting off to a disappointing start, Mrs Jacobson refused to comment.

Jack Gales, of Haverhill told the Suffolk Gazette: “The weather needs to sort itself out. It’s either too cold, wet or windy – or it’s too hot. It’s very difficult to get on with one’s life. It must be dreadful for old people in this heat. They could die from moaning about it.”

Jim Porkie, of forecasters weatherwatchingforyou.com explained: “We expect a prolonged spell of moaning followed by some cooler tempers.”

Felixstowe beach basking in sunshine today

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Tyrone Mings retires to Bournemouth

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Tyrone Mings retires to Bournemouth

Exclusive
By Paul Jewellery

Ipswich left-back Tyrone Mings has revealed he is fulfilling his life-long ambition – by moving to Bournemouth to retire.

He will join tens of thousands of pensioners in a comfortable lifestyle by the sea in Dorset, where the weather is nice all year round.

Mings, 22, who cost Ipswich Town just £10,000 when he arrived from non-league Chippenham Town two years ago, has now done his bit on the football field and is looking forward to putting his feet up.

Mings, right, on a previous visit to Bournemouth

A pal said: “Bournemouth is a great place for people to retire, in fact it’s full of old people enjoying their golden years.

“Tyrone has found a nice home where he will make new friends, and there’s even an on-site manager to keep an eye on them. He’s looking forward to lazy days on a deck chair soaking up the sunshine.”

An Ipswich Town insider added: “We wish Tyrone well in his retirement. The lads clubbed together and bought him a carriage clock.”

Mings scored one goal in 56 appearances for the Suffolk club, where he developed a strong relationship with the fans. They will now hope he enjoys his rest.

Pensioners enjoying Bournemouth promenade

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Suffolk in terror as Cowzilla escapes

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Suffolk in terror as Cowzilla escapes

By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

Terror struck Suffolk yesterday with news that the legendary Cowzilla had escaped and was running amok somewhere in the countryside.

Bertie Thomas, the farmer who owns her, claimed the hefty heifer was “literally unstoppable”.

“Everywhere she goes she’ll leave a trail of destruction,” said Mr Thomas. “She can’t be talked to. She can’t be reasoned with. All she cares about is destroying our way of life.”

According to Mr Thomas, Cowzilla can blend into her surroundings “like a ninja” and strike with deadly surprise attacks.

Cowzilla escaped once before, when she was a calf. She was captured three months later, but only after destroying a combine harvester.

Now she is bigger, stronger and smarter, and Mr Thomas believes it may be impossible to stop her.

Something to beef about: Cowzilla on the loose

Cowzilla, who answers to the name Mandy, has already struck the village of Holton, near Halwsowrth where she damaged a wall, upturned two litter bins, and left a giant steaming cow pat in a children’s play area.

The Suffolk Gazette was unable to speak to any Holton residents, who had locked themselves inside their houses. But our reporters did hear one woman scream: “This is only the beginning!” through a first-floor window.

Suffolk Police have warned the public not to approach Cowzilla at any cost.

The police have not released any official details of their Cowzilla strategy, although one insider told the Suffolk Gazette that they might try to force her into Norfolk.

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