By Sally Oghurt
Culture Correspondent

A forgotten Saxon village on the banks of the River Deben is to host the Notting Hill Carnival following shocking scenes and hundreds of arrests at this year’s London event, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Metropolitan Police say they have finally washed their hands of the legendary annual celebration of multiculturalism after an officer was stabbed, two others bitten and more than 300 people were arrested on August Bank Holiday this year.

But protests from hundreds of thousands of faithful carnival goers have been heard by members of Suffolk County Council’s new Cultural Reach-out And Prosper committee, which has announced that the annual display of ethnic music, alcoholism, mass drug abuse and street-defecation will take place at Sutton Hoo.

Sutton Hoo, just three miles from Woodbridge, was made famous in 1939 by archaeologist Dr Basil Brown who discovered a dynasty of Saxon kings buried beneath bracken-coated lumps of clay.

Anglo-Saxon treasure found at Sutton Hoo in Suffolk

Now, the 2016 Sutton Hoo Carnival will be merged with the existing posh Aldeburgh Carnival, which is held on the same weekend and councillors are promising a host of legendary Dub, R&B and Drum n Bass stars from around the world as well as top Suffolk acts like well-known Leiston DJ Reg Squirrell.

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Sutton Hoo looks forward to welcoming Notting Hill revellers

Bernard Grabbit, chairperson of the CRAP committee said: “We are all delighted the organisers of the Notting Hill Carnival have agreed to hold their fantastic event in Sutton Hoo.

“The hundreds of thousands of attendees bring with them colour, culture, music and a great deal of happiness – not to mention several million pounds which they happily spend on over-priced alcohol, home-made weapons and disgusting world foods which we do not get in mono-cultural Suffolk.

“There’s great road access to the site and they won’t offend anyone – after all the residents have been dead and buried for more than 3,000 years.”

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Police in London are delighted the carnival is moving to Suffolk

It is expected that truck over-spill parks along the A14 and A12 from Felixstowe to Martlesham, unused during that time of year, as well as the grounds of most schools in Woodbridge will be turned into temporary campsites to host the expected 300,000 visitors.

A Met source said: “Londoners and the Met are heartily sick of this faux PC nonsense which costs millions to police and clean up and clogs up the streets for days on end. I wish Suffolk the very best of luck.”

But a Suffolk Police insider added: “We will be having a very long conversation indeed with members of the CRAP committee.”

DJ Reg said: “Bring it on, buoy. I’ll make ‘em rock till they drop!”

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By Arthur Pint
Entertainment Editor

The Suffolk Gazette can today expose one of the biggest show business cover-ups of all time – Kate Bush and Delia Smith are the same person.

Norwich City owner Delia, who lives near Stowmarket in Suffolk, found fame as a television chef, but really wanted to be a pop star.

So back in the 1970s she put on a long, bushy wig and invented the Kate Bush character, and until today fans of both were fooled.

To prove our astonishing revelation, we scoured the internet and could not find any examples of Delia Smith and Kate Bush being in the same room together.

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Delia Smith

Kate Bush

A showbiz insider said: “It really is remarkable that Delia was able to find fame and fortune not once, but twice.

“And it’s even more amazing that she has led a double life all this time without anyone guessing. Until now.

“But in hindsight the clues were there all along. When Delia famously took to the pitch at half time at Norwich and yelled at the fans down the microphone, she struck a pose very similar to Kate.

“And Kate’s so-called career break coincided with Delia spending more time trying to make Norwich City into a famous football team.

“Now the secret is out, so let’s hope Delia takes to the pitch again and gives us all a rendition of Babooshka and Running Up That Hill.”

Delia Bush refused to comment.

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EXCLUSIVE
Prime Minister David Cameron has again stressed that Britain simply does not have the space to take any more desperate refugees from the war-torn Middle East.

Speaking exclusively as we strolled through the grounds of his huge, sprawling 1,000-acre country estate in Buckinghamshire, Mr Cameron told the Suffolk Gazette that the UK was “full up” with no more room.

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Chequers: Mansion and 1,000 acres of landAs he gazed up at his grace-and-favour country mansion at Chequers, with its ten bedrooms, modern decor and scores of spare reception rooms and outbuildings, he said: “I was saying to Samantha last night when we rested at our lovely huge private constituency house with large grounds in Dean, Oxfordshire, that things were getting crowded.

Oxfordshire: Huge home in large grounds“She replied that indeed there was nowhere for anyone extra to live, and reminded me that our other house in trendy Notting Hill, London, which only has four bedrooms, was being rented out very easily for lots of money precisely because there is a shortage of housing.”

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Notting Hill: four-bedroom jollityMr Cameron added: “But I intend to get a grip on the refugee crisis, and I can tell you that after this interview I shall return straight to my official home in Downing Street, which has 100 rooms and a spacious half an acre garden at the back.

“From there I can continue to monitor the terrible news sweeping across Europe – and tell everyone there is no room in Britain.”

Meanwhile, the family of a three-year-old boy who was photographed drowned on the Mediterranean shoreline, continue to look for somewhere to stay as they flee the horrors of Syria.

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Downing Street: hundreds of rooms and large garden

By Colin Allcabs
Consumer correspondent

Men admitted last night to crumbling under the pressure of filling their bags efficiently and quickly at supermarket checkouts.

While women can pack away with no fuss whatsoever, men become flustered as the first goods roll across the scanner and down into the packing area.

With a queue of impatient customers waiting in line, and a checkout person scanning items at seemingly lightening speed, men are soon overwhelmed by a sense of inadequency.

As nerves hit crisis point, they bungle trying to prise open the top of plastic carrier bags – causing scanned items to clog up to the extent that the checkout person has to stop working. Meanwhile, women in the queue begin tutting, pointing and shaking their heads.

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A man forces a brave smile after another humiliating checkout experience

Builder Chris Green, of Mildenhall, Suffolk, said: “I’m quite good at speeding around the supermarket selecting all the goods I need. But once I’ve filled my trolley and head for the checkout, my problems begin.

“Men are just not programmed to be efficient when it comes to packing the bags. We even struggle to open the things. Women seem to be able to pack the same type of goods together in the same bag – so a bag for cheeses, another for meat, a couple for veg, and even separate ones for toiletries.

“But us men end up cramming everything together just to try to speed up and avoid the glares of other waiting customers.

“My mates are the same – we end up with a bag that might have toothpaste, wine, a joint of beef, cream and crisps all together. I dare not even think about what happens to the eggs.

“And because we try to cram so much in each bag to speed up, they invariably split when we lift them back into trolley.”

A spokesman for leading supermarket Fresco said: “We are aware men are incompetent packers and get into a bit of a state about it. We have now trained our checkout staff to be patient with them – but we can only ask female customers to be patient.”

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By Casey Jones
Railways Correspondent

Male commuters on the Greater Anglia mainline today welcomed Jeremy Corbyn’s plan for women-only carriages – so they don’t have to listen to them chatting away on their mobile phones.

Labour leadership candidate Mr Corbyn revealed his segregated carriage idea after a rise in sexual assaults on Britain’s train services.

But even though no men on the main London line from Norfolk and Suffolk would ever consider touching a woman – even their own wives – the women-only carriages will still be welcome.

Stephen Brittas, who commutes from his home in Stowmarket to London each day, said: “Every morning I have to listen to women nattering in loud voices on their mobile phones. Often it’s in a ridiculous high-pitched voice to their young children. One even blows kisses to her dog.

“Then after a long day at work, the whole thing repeats itself as they tell whomever is unfortunate enough to be on the other end all about their day.

“If Mr Corbyn gets his way, these women can all sit on the same carriage and talk over each other into their bloody phones. Vote for Jeremy Corbyn!”

But female commuters we spoke to said men were just as bad on their mobiles. Dawn Colridge, 19, from Colchester, said: “I’ve never been sexually assaulted on a Greater Anglia train, but I do get fed up with blokes sitting with their legs wide open, speaking on their phone and trying to look important.”

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