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By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

Ipswich has been named as one of the happiest places to live in Britain – on the day police revealed an epidemic of cannabis farms in the town.

While local media reported Ipswich had come third out of 130 towns in a national “happy towns” poll, cops disclosed they had raided 48 illicit drugs factories.

And insiders are now asking: Is the rise in cannabis abuse transforming Suffolk’s county town from crappy to happy?

Twelve years after being placed firmly on the Crap Map, Ipswich is now officially “happy” rather than “crappy”. In 2003, the charming book Crap Towns – The Fifty Worst Places to Live in the UK, noted no-one would ever go to Ipswich again – unless they liked “low-slung Vauxhall Novas with alloy wheels”.

The entry, on page 58, may have single-handedly been responsible for the decline of the town, including the closure of the large Co-op in Carr Street, which forced old ladies to get their “nice dresses” elsewhere.

But the new “happy town” ranking coincides with police discovering 48 factories over the past five years producing a staggering 6,682 grammes of cannabis.

So are the two stories connected?

We know that Ipswich beat old rivals Norwich and Colchester by miles in the Rightmove survey of 24,000 people who were asked deeply-searching questions about their hometowns.

The survey included questions about décor, pride, neighbourliness and amenities. But what we don’t know is how much cannabis is produced in Norwich and Colchester compared with Ipswich’s impressive yields.

Norwich ranked 37 in the survey and Colchester 62, which means lots of people there may be unhappy with their wallpaper. Dundee scored highest on the question of how happy people are with their home décor. People from Norwich and Colchester have now been advised to visit Dundee for tips on interior design.

The Mayor of Ipswich was delighted with the town’s ranking, but a woman standing next to him at the opening of a paper bag this week explained: “Oi int surprised we wan third. We got a noice powend shop ‘n a McDonalds.”

She went on to ask the mayor if he had any Rizlas.

It is believed that the thriving waterfront, pictured below, the beautiful parks and the wonderful community spirit helped Ipswich go from “crappy” to “happy” within 12 years. It is also thought that those taking part in the survey may not have noticed the many empty shops blighting the town along with the gallons of pigeon shit covering the buildings.

Borough councillor Ed Insand, portfolio holder for Telling the Truth said many people may also be unaware of the mountains of rubbish bags left outside shops for birds to rip open, spilling the contents all over the chewing-gum splattered streets.

He added: “As many people are not in the town at the right time to see this, we usually get away with it.”

When asked if he thought the number of cannabis factories in Ipswich had any bearing on the town’s new status as a “happy town”, he cooed: “Wow man – not sure. Pass me the Pringles.”

A woman who did not want to be identified, but who was named locally as 24-year-old mother of eight Beyonce Scaggs, spoke to the Suffolk Gazette outside the offices of Rightmove. We asked her if she had any idea why they carried out the survey, which saw them make headlines across the media.

She said: “Nah. Dunno. Come ‘ere Tyler, gimme moi fkn lighter back. NOW!”

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To read more from this contributor, visit anythingexcepthousework.co.uk

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A man who fell down a disused well survived for THREE WEEKS by munching on his doner kebab and chips.

Trevor Jenkins had enjoyed a night out with pals in Ipswich but plunged down a well on a building site when he took a short-cut home.

Unhurt but stuck and unable to call for help, he would have died were it not for his tasty late-night snack.

The doner kebab and chips he had bought from the nearby Ali Baba’s Yum Yum kebab shop has so many calories that he was able to survive on it for nearly three weeks.

Only then did the builders return to site after their mid-summer break and find Mr Jenkins.

The amazing story confirms what pub-goers have been saying for years – that late-night kebabs are good for you.

Speaking from his home in Westerfield Road, Ipswich, Mr Jenkins said: “I thought I was a goner when I fell down the well with my doner. But my meal kept me alive.

“I managed to make it last 19 days and wasn’t hungry at all. I ate a slice of meat every six hours, and a small piece of salad as well. I saved the pitta bread for a treat on Sundays.

“Never let anyone tell you that kebabs are not good for you.”

Experts estimate a large doner kebab and chips can contain at least 15,000 calories.

Ipswich Hospital nutritionist Dai Etishion said: “We stress that late-night fast food like kebab and chips have far too many calories in – luckily this is one case where it helped keep someone alive rather than kill them.”

Mr Jenkins, who was able to drink water in the bottom of the well, returned to work last week, where colleagues were delighted to see him back unharmed.

One said: “All’s well that ends well.”

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Exclusive
By Doug Trench
Defence Editor

Suffolk is being hit by a terrifying wave of migrants trying to reach the county from neighbouring Norfolk.

Thousands of desperate Norfolk country bumpkins are attempting to cross the border near Diss to escape horrific conditions near Norwich.

Suffolk police have had to implement Operation Kack, parking up thousands of lorries on the A140 because the border is currently too dangerous to cross.

Makeshift camps have been set up around Dickleburgh and Scole, where the desperate bumpkins are gathering before making daring attempts to get into Suffolk every night.

Their efforts are extremely dangerous, with three having been killed falling into a village pond at Stuston, and another impaling himself on a plough near Hoxne.

Now worried north Suffolk residents want the army called in to secure the area and prevent picturesque towns such as Bungay, Halesworth and Stowmarket from being overrun by foreigners.

Nettie Kirtons, 57, from Beccles, said: “It’s awful that these people think they can just come to our county and then take all our benefits. And blocking the A140 means we can’t go on our holidays to Norfolk. It’s a disgrace”

But humanitarian charities defended the right for peasant folk from Norfolk to travel south. Tristan Dew-Goodie of the charity Norfolk ‘N Way, insisted the migrants should be treated with respect.

He said: “They live in desperate conditions in Norfolk under a strict regime of peasant farming and being force-fed mustard. It’s not so much insular as it is backward – we need to recognise they should be allowed to seek out a better life.”

The Suffolk Gazette infiltrated Norfolk last night to discover conditions that Norfolk bumpkins are being forced to live in.

Before long we met Edna Spratt in her hovel in Dereham.

Miss Spratt, who lives in her hovel with her brother and their 14 children, said: “Conditions here are terrible. We want to go to Suffolk and enjoy a better life. We will be there soon.”

Suffolk police now fear the migrants will abandon their attempts to cross into Suffolk via the A140, and are stepping up patrols on the Suffolk coast to prevent those trying to get in by boat.

They have also increased manpower in Beccles, Bungay and Lowestoft to watch out for stolen boats coming south via the Broads river network.

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