By Len Inn
Political Reporter

The newly-elected leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn is to undertake a fact-finding tour of Suffolk in next month, his advisers claim.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal that Corbyn, who grew up in the rural idyll of Wiltshire, is a self-confessed ‘country bumpkin’ and has a passion for exploring how his new Labour Party line-up can help the county.

A recently-appointed member of his staff, who asked not to be named, showed the Suffolk Gazette a draft copy of his busy travelling itinerary which includes town meetings in Ipswich and Bury St Edmunds as well as visits to Leiston, Stowmarket, Woodbridge, Sudbury, Haverhill and Thetford.

The keen cyclist and teetotal vegetarian is also looking forward to stopping for lunch at the famous Adnams brewery in Southwold before intending to give an evening speech before Aldeburgh Town Council.

The source added: “We were quite surprised by this as Jeremy outlined strong views for reintroducing the people of Suffolk to solid Socialist values like working in the fields, fishing fleets and factories.

“He believes Suffolk people have got fat and lazy on too many years of Tory materialism and spent too much time watching Downton Abbey on 42-inch televisions and stuffed-crust pizzas and he is getting on his bike to show his resolve.”

Mr Corbyn recently described his ‘impeccable middle-class upbringing’ to The Guardian newspaper. He grew up in the picturesque Wiltshire village of Kingston St Michael before moving to a seven-bedroomed home with his parents and three elder brothers in Shropshire.

His official “Team Corbyn” spokesman Karl Engels confirmed the plan, but added that Suffolk was one of several “Toryfied” counties that the new Leader wanted to visit. “He wants the democratically-elected local authorities to rediscover the lost Marxism principal of distribution of wealth. He believes a sharp dose of dialectical materialism will refresh the good people of Suffolk.”

No-one at Suffolk County Council was available for comment.

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EXCLUSIVE
By Jerome Clarkson
Motoring Editor

A middle-aged man has been forced to admit that he purchased a flash sports car to make up for his small penis.

John Thomas, 51, from Woodbridge, was so self-conscious about his manhood that he bought a super-fast motor, thinking it would make him more appealing to women.

But he quickly heard people joking that he must have a small todger – folk who never previously suspected that he was lacking in the trouser department.

“I spent £40,000 on the five-litre Jaguar, figuring the ladies would be hugely impressed and assume that not only was I rich, but I was also a fine figure of a man.

“But as soon as I got out on the road, I got snide comments that driving a sports car meant I must have a small penis.”

Mr Thomas, a divorced self-employed psychiatrist, got in a row with mates at his local pub, The Cock, about the correlation between the size of a man’s car and the size of his tackle.

He made a rash bet that the link was not true – but then found he had to prove it.

“I lost a game of spoof which meant I had to prove I was right. Of course, I could not do so without dropping my trousers and pants in the lounge bar in front of all the customers.

“So rather than go through that indignity, and probably be arrested, I had to reluctantly admit that I did indeed have a tiny penis. My friends thought it was hilarious.”

Balding Mr Thomas is now trying to sell his car, and plans to buy a six-year-old Nissan Micra instead.

“Then women will assume I am a big boy,” he said.

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