Sunday, March 9, 2025
Home Blog Page 367

Mature woman is sexual predator

The Editor
-
5
Mature woman is sexual predator

Exclusive
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police are warning men not to be taken in by an attractive older woman who is trawling Suffolk pubs offering to fulfill drinkers’ fantasies of having sex with a mother and her daughter.

Officers say the shapely blonde, believed to be in her late fifties, targets a vulnerable man sitting alone in a bar and offers to buy him a drink.

After a while of innocent chat, she asks if he has ever fantasised about a threesome with a woman and her daughter.

If the man, fuelled by a few pints of lager, shows interest, she invites him back to her house in Ipswich.

One victim, 27, who was too embarrassed to be named, issued a statement via the Suffolk Police press office to explain what happens.

He said: “I had enjoyed a couple of drinks and this woman, although a mature lady, was strikingly attractive.

“I had often wondered what it must be like to have a threesome with a woman and her daughter, so I couldn’t believe my luck when she suggested just that after sidling up to me in the pub.

“When we got back to her place I was getting very excited, and was told to wait in the sitting room.

“Only then did I discover the terrible truth. As I sat there, the woman went to the bottom of the stairs and shouted up, ‘Mum, are you still awake?’

“I’ve never run out of a house so quick in my life.”

A police spokesman said: “This woman is not breaking any laws, but she is not being entirely truthful with the poor young men she is befriending in pubs.”

Suffolk police Apache helicopter is back

The Editor
-
4
Suffolk police Apache helicopter is back

Exclusive
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police’s controversial Apache gunship helicopter is patrolling the skies again after the force’s pilots completed a rigorous training regime.

The fearsome helicopter was mothballed earlier this year when confused police pilots accidentally blew up a vicarage in Needham Market.

They became baffled by the gunship’s hi-tech weaponry and navigation systems, and fired off a lethal Hellfire sidewinder missile by mistake, causing severe damage to the vicarage while the vicar Evan Elpuss was hosting members of the local Women’s Institute for afternoon tea.

Thankfully no one was seriously hurt in the incident, which occurred while the Apache was chasing down a bicycle thief, although WI treasurer Gladys Worthington-Smyth was injured by a flower pot.

Now Suffolk Police, under pressure to shave more than £125million from its budget, is bringing back the deadly chopper to become the most effective crime deterrent in the country.

Fearsome: police pilots have completed training so they don’t fire missiles accidentally
With policemen on the beat being axed, and community service officers trimmed back, criminals will be terrified to operate in Suffolk knowing that the police Apache helicopter could appear over the treeline at any moment.

A force spokesman pointed out that the gunship would also prove to be highly effective in combatting the waves of country bumpkin migrants trying to get into Suffolk from Norfolk every night.

A police insider said: “The Apache sends a very powerful message to the criminal fraternity, and this will be a great comfort to the law-abiding people of Suffolk.

“Apple scrumpers, speeding motorists, car-tax dodgers – they’ll all be fair game as we crackdown on crime.

“And now our pilots have completed the new training course, there is much less chance of them accidentally firing off a missile towards a primary school, or spraying the main shopping street in Woodbridge with machine gun fire.”

Meanwhile, The Rev Evan Elpuss has forgiven the police for blowing up his beloved Victorian vicarage.

“These things happen,” he said, while writing this Sunday’s sermon from his caravan.

Tesco shelves random placement of goods

The Editor
-
0
Tesco shelves random placement of goods

By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

Embattled Tesco bosses have announced a radical plan to start putting produce in logical areas of their stores in order to improve profits.

They intend to help customers find what they’re looking for quickly – and will use stores in Suffolk to test out the improvements.

The supermarket giant announced today its profits had tumbled by half to £354 million in the face of stiff competition. Like-for-like sales were down 1.1% and bosses revealed the outlook remained challenging.

But they were upbeat with claims that logical placement of goods on the shelves would soon turn their fortunes around.

A retail insider said: “For example, Tesco will now put peanuts with the other crisps and savoury snacks instead of randomly putting them on the other side of the store. That really makes no sense at all, and simply causes their customers much anguish and confusion.

“They’ll also put the eggs somewhere obvious. Everyone buys eggs, but no one really knows where they are because Tesco just put them amongst loads of other random stuff. One customer reported recently finding eggs next to flour.

“Many examples come to light – such as lime juice not being positioned next to lemon juice, or cream cheese being nowhere near cheese.”

Shoppers outside one of Ipswich’s Tesco stores, which will begin trials next week, backed the plans. Mum-of-seven Val Timpson said: “If it means I can do my shop quicker, and stop having to walk around and around looking for something, only to find it in the least obvious place, then I’m all for it.”

Customers also said TEsco would do well to help men feel less awkward at checkouts.

Police raid Foo King Chinese restaurant

The Editor
-
4
Police raid Foo King Chinese restaurant

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

Suffolk police have forced a Chinese restaurant to close following complaints about its lewd name and menu.

The Foo King restaurant only opened in Sudbury a month ago, but the town’s residents failed to take warmly to the owners’ food selection.

Police received a stream of complaints and were forced to raid the premises on Tuesday night.

foo-king-chinese-restaurant
Wonton destruction: the Foo King restaurant

Owner Wai Hung Lo, 37, was arrested on suspicion of possessing offensive foodstuffs, and was released on bail pending further inquiries.

He was furious when contacted by the Suffolk Gazette, blaming ignorant locals for misinterpreting his Far Eastern delicacies such as Sum Dum Fuc, Hoo Flung Poo and Suk Mi Wang.

“We cook good traditional food from the Fah Flung province of China. It is quite uncommon for this food to be prepared here in England, so I am not surprised some people have not heard of many of the dishes before.

“But to read the names of the dishes and think we are being rude is very offensive to my country and traditions. Sudbury does not deserve us, and we will be looking to take our Suk Mi Wang speciality dish elsewhere.”

A police spokesman said: “We acted in good faith following complaints from residents. Although Mr Hung Lo was preparing genuine traditional dishes, we’re afraid the names simply do not translate very well here.”

Like The Suffolk Gazette on Facebook:

Don’t tell him, Pike

The Editor
-
0
Don’t tell him, Pike

In this classic Dad’s Army episode from the 1970s, Captain Mainwaring and his men have captured a group of Nazi naval officers. In one of the most famous sitcom lines of its generation, Private Pike gets identified accidentally to the German officer.

The clip is from the episode called ‘The Deadly Attachment’ – and as many of the scenes were filmed in the Thetford area, we can almost claim it as being part of our Suffolk heritage.

Like The Suffolk Gazette on Facebook:

Please help our running costs by buying us a beer!

Woman shunned after finishing Christmas shopping

The Editor
-
0
Woman shunned after finishing Christmas shopping

By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

A woman who boasted she had already completed all her Christmas shopping has been shunned by her friends and run out of town.

Judith Pyle-Smith told pals at a charity coffee morning that she had also wrapped all the gifts in glossy paper, tied fabulous red-ribbon bows, and written on delicate home-made name tags.

[AdSense-A]


And to add insult to injury, the Suffolk mother-of-three then posted a status on Facebook saying she could now sit back and relax while the rest of Britain gets increasingly frenzied in the coming months.

But Pyle-Smith is not smiling now, after her friend became incensed by her smug behaviour.

“She’s just a show-off,” one of her former friends told us. “It’s been the same every year. She thinks she’s so clever getting all her bits and pieces together over the summer while the rest of us leave Christmas shopping to the last minute and end up panicking.

“She’s clearly got way too much time on her hands.”

Ho bloody Ho: keen shopper was shunned

Pyle-Smith, 33, has now been unfriended by everyone on Facebook and been barred from her social circle in Ipswich.

She is now selling up and house-hunting in Norfolk.

“I’m confused,” she told the Suffolk Gazette. “I thought I would be an inspiration to busy mothers everywhere and people would love to hear how clever and efficient I have been.

“I didn’t even get a chance to tell them that I had already booked next summer’s holiday.”

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

Rail passengers mourn ‘dying’ train company

The Editor
-
1
Rail passengers mourn ‘dying’ train company

Exclusive
By Casey Jones
Railways Correspondent

Thousands of East Anglian rail passengers gathered in London last night to pay their last respects to a “dying” train company.

The Greater Anglia customers wanted to say their fond farewells after rumours swept the capital that their beloved train operator was on its last legs.

They flocked to Liverpool Street station and refused to budge for hours, deciding to stay united in their grief.

However, it emerged after three hours that the company’s evening operations were wheezing back to life and it was, for now, back from the dead.

Overjoyed at this great news, the mourners drifted away into the evening on the small number of trains that were actually able to leave the station.

image
Grief: Mourners at Liverpool Street station tonight

A Greater Anglia insider said: “We had a near-death experience and everything stopped. But somehow we eventually got our sh*t together and managed to get some people home.”

Commuter Andy Hills from Ipswich said: “It was a great relief that our beloved train operator survived the evening.

“I’m glad I was able to be at Liverpool Street for hours to see the recovery.”

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

Constable Savage in the dog house

The Editor
-
0
Constable Savage in the dog house

Classic sketch from Not The Nine O’Clock News, with Griff Rhys Jones as the racist copper and Rowan Atkinson playing his infuriated boss.

Like us on Facebook:

Buy us a beer (please)!

1...366367368...380Page 367 of 380

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us