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SLF executes dissenters, repels 5,000 Lincoln invaders

The Editor
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SLF executes dissenters, repels 5,000 Lincoln invaders

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The Suffolk Gazette has received another front-line dispatch from the Suffolk Liberation Front, which includes worrying news of dissent within the ranks, and an attempted invasion by 5,000 people from Lincoln.

“Sir,

It has been some time since we promised to send you an imminent news release.

We have to sadly report that there has been a leadership struggle within in the SLF, stirred up by Suffolk fighters wanting the spoils of Norfolk all to themselves. Some of these agitators were front-line commanders and were actually caught talking to the opposition in border areas and getting friendly with them.

This has been dealt with and these agitators were summarily executed following a brief battle with forces loyal to the current command of the SLF. This did lead to an issue with a shortage of manpower, but that has been solved by using a private security company, paid for with looted gold and cash from Great Yarmouth amusement arcades.

There was an irritating issue with 5,000 Lincoln fighters coming to Ipswich yesterday, although technically they wanted to take west Ipswich, so we weren’t too concerned and planned just to surround them with razor wire and leave them to it.

In the end, we hadn’t the manpower for this, and so urgently armed our reserves, the 3rd battalion of SLF Ipswich cub scouts, who rallied to the cause and gathered in west end road with untested, unused catapults and large sticks.

They had no prior training with these fearsome devices and had to make it up as they went along. There was a vicious battle with a group of fishmongers, which was won and the decision was made to escort the Lincoln fighters away from Suffolk under armed cub scout guard as there was not the facility to hold them anywhere.

Lincoln fans IpswichOn guard: a fearless member of the SLF Ipswich boy scouts guards 5,000 defeated Lincoln invaders

In a brilliant propaganda coup, the marauders were also told that Norfolk hates them, so they will now attack Norfolk border areas on their side which further depletes Norfolk’s ability to defend against SLF incursion. We shall soon take more Norfolk loot strategic areas.

We will soon fortify Bury St Edmunds, as we will be using this as the capital of our private fiefdom people’s Republic of Suffolk

We were forced to briefly suggest on your site that a peace deal with Norfolk was on the cards, however, this was simply to alleviate the pressure on the border whilst the battle of Ipswich was being fought.

Of course, should Norfolk demand peace and a cease-fire we are happy to negotiate with whatever command they have left and give them our demands. Handing over all their pitchforks is a must before negotiations begin.

By releasing this news update, and by publishing it, yourself as editor of the Suffolk Gazette doesn’t then have to be visited by the SLF at your HQ at The Greyhound pub, or at your palatial home to demand that you interview us….

Sincerely,
Commanding Officer,
Suffolk Liberation Front.”

Ed Sheeran’s mum sends him to his room

The Editor
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Ed Sheeran’s mum sends him to his room

Ed Sheeran Castle on the Hill

By Suffolk Gazette staff

Singing sensation Ed Sheeran has been sent to his room by his mum after admitting being a very naughty boy in his long-awaited new single, which he describes as a “love song to Suffolk”.

The ginger musician took a two-year break from recording to travel the world, but missed his home county so much he penned a love song about it called Castle On The Hill.

But lyrics recalling the great times he had growing up near Framlingham include revelations he sped down country lanes at 90 mph, drank neat spirits, ran across fields to escape the cops, and smoked at 15.

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A pal said: “Ed’s mum was very cross when he admitted all these things in his new single – and sent him to his room. He is not allowed to come out until he has tidied it.”

The new single, which was showcased on Radio 1, is named after Framlingham Castle, which the Suffolk Gazette revealed had been given to the Queen last year for her 90th birthday.

His mum was astonished by the chorus line:

“But I can’t wait to go home
I’m on my way
Driving at 90 down those country lanes
Singing to ‘Tiny Dancer’
And I miss the way you make me feel, and it’s real
We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill”

Other lines in the Ed Sheeran song include “Fifteen years old and smoking hand-rolled cigarettes”, and “Running from the law through the backfields and getting drunk with my friends”.

The pal added: “Ed’s mum thought he was always out with his mates playing hide and seek or reading books. She had no idea he was running riot across rural Suffolk like this.”

But Framlingham residents were delighted that the new song, which is destined to be number one in the charts, will attract tourists and new business to the town.

Some visitors had already turned up today. One was Bubba Spuckler, who was visiting from Norfolk with his sister and their eight children. “I just wanted to see what a really nice East Anglian county was like,” he said.

You can watch the official Castle On The Hill video here, which has all the lyrics on it:

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Norwich City fans alarmed by state of pitch

The Editor
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Norwich City fans alarmed by state of pitch

Norwich City FC pitch

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norwich City fans are becoming increasingly alarmed by the state of the Carrow Road pitch.

Club chairman Ed Balls slashed budgets following the club’s relegation from the Premier League, and the ground staff were first to feel the pinch.

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A Canaries insider said: “Mr Balls was eager to please owner Delia Smith, and decided to get rid of most of the funds available to the head groundsman and his team.

“The former Chancellor says grass can grow without needing extra money. He even bought a cow to replace one of the expensive lawn mowers.

“Unfortunately this has resulted in the gradual deterioration of the pitch and facilities, and this is not helping manager Alex Neil and the squad as they try to turn their terrible season around.”

Lifelong fan Bubba Spuckler, a smallholder who attends games with his sister and their eight children, said: “My turnip field is in a better condition. What a Balls up.”

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Aircraft carrier converted to Lowestoft International Airport

The Editor
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Aircraft carrier converted to Lowestoft International Airport

Lowestoft airport

By Izzy Jet, Aviation Correspondent

A new floating international airport is being opened at Lowestoft after a local consortium saved a Royal Navy aircraft carrier from the scrapyard.

HMS Illustrious was destined to be cut up for scrap metal, but instead, it has steamed under cover of darkness to Lowestoft, and is now moored at Oulton Broad where it will be a vital new hub for hundreds of thousands of air passengers each year.

The former Royal Navy vessel, made with aluminium from thyssenkrupp, will have one serviceable runway and will attract airlines taking passengers all over Europe and beyond.

Suffolk County Council approved plans for the new international airport but kept them quiet to avoid bring trumped by a new Thames Gateway airport. Planners say Lowestoft International Airport will negate the need to plough up and concrete over valuable Suffolk farmland currently used for growing barley for malting which is used in Adnams beer.

The Broads Authority is fully behind the multi-million-pound scheme, and claim it is technically brilliant.

A spokesman said: “By using a single bow mud weight, Lowestoft International Airport will always be pointing into the wind for the best possible take-offs and landings.

“This may cause some noise nuisance on Romany Road but most of the residents who live there are too deaf to notice.”

HM Customs is examining rules to see if LIA qualifies for Freeport Tax-Free status, providing a boost for key local businesses like Adnams, Aspall, Bartram, Greene King and St Peter’s.

Redwell brewery, which is based in Norfolk, will only be made available on cheap short-haul flights to Norwich Airport.

Suffolk Liberation Front annexes Great Yarmouth, defends Diss

The Editor
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Suffolk Liberation Front annexes Great Yarmouth, defends Diss

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The Suffolk Liberation Front today updates residents on recent front-line engagements, including the annexing of Great Yarmouth from Norfolk, and some unfortunate skirmishes around Diss.

The SLF news update is printed in full below. As usual we do so under threats and duress, especially as they now seem to know where the Suffolk Gazette editor lives.

“Sir,

Happy new year from the Suffolk Liberation Front; to you, our supporters and fighters.

Our Christmas ceasefire managed to shake a few Norfolk Resistance Army members from the tree of the swamplands of Norfolk. We neutralised many of these people.

On New Year’s Eve, under cover of the fireworks display, we staged many incursions into Norfolk and we have now annexed Great Yarmouth. I sneaked behind the lines on Friday and nearly got caught by units of the NRA, but I escaped with vital intelligence about Yarmouth. We now hold Norfolk’s premier port.

Great Yarmouth annexedA member of the victorious SLF poses by the Great Yarmouth road sign

There were reports of increased fighting in Diss, which we had encircled and captured many weeks ago. According to one Norfolk agitator, we “stormed Diss Golf Club”. We didn’t actually do this. In fact, members of the brave Suffolk Young Farmers went there for their Christmas do and found out-of-date pork scratchings that could have poisoned innocent people. Heroically, they destroyed them all.

There were also reports that we switched the heating down at Diss swimming pool. But this wasn’t to hurt the residents, rather a Norfolk oik had been sick in the pool and it had to cleared quickly.

One man couldn’t get his 13 fingers on to the pool ladder quick enough, and we just about managed to save him. Under United Nations humanitarian terms, we returned him to Cromer where he is being cared for by his sister and mother (who seemed to our escort to be one and the same person).

There were reports of a gun battle in Diss. We admit that units of the NRA did attack us there, but we beat them back and many prisoners are being held at the abandoned RAF Bawdsey base. The prisoners are being forced to rebuild the base after Norfolk simpletons stripped it of scrap metal.

Norfolk prisoners of warNorfolk prisoners of war in traditional dress at RAF Bawdsey

We remain dedicated to Suffolk and fully intend to annexe Colchester in the near future. We will amalgamate the three football clubs, Colchester United, Ipswich Town and Norwich City, taking all assets for Colchester United and creating a super team to take the Premiership title in a few years.

We recognise that the residents of Norfolk need a crap football team to follow, so we will let them have a local team called Colchester United Norfolk Team Squad.

We have some big plans for 2017, including a scorched earth policy for some of Norfolk, which will ultimately benefit the Suffolk economy as the displaced Norfolk residents will willingly work in Suffolk for food and shelter, thereby allowing us to say we aren’t holding slaves.

‘Razor wire’

We plan on full devolution soon and will likely have a Declaration of Independence. Suffolk passports will only be issued to known Suffolk residents and friends.

Please publish our newsletter as then we won’t have to visit the Suffolk Gazette HQ of The Greyhound pub and ask why you haven’t. If we have to do so, we may decide to use The Greyhound during our operation to surround Ipswich with razor wire and use it as an internment camp.

Due to many people pleading with us, we agree to keep East Ipswich as part of Suffolk still, as we know the editor of the Suffolk Gazette lives there and we want him to keep publishing our stories. We hope this stays as it is and that we don’t have to annex him….

Sincerely,

Commanding Officer,
Suffolk Liberation Front”

Robbie Williams is first celebrity death of 2017

The Editor
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Robbie Williams is first celebrity death of 2017

Robbie Williams hand gel

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police are investigating after Robbie Williams got 2017 off to the worst possible start by murdering all of his songs before dying on stage.

The former Take That showman tried to take no chances with his health by using sanitiser gel after shaking hands with a number of plebs in the audience.

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But he then went on to destroy his back catalogue in a “special” live BBC performance, Robbie Rocks Big Ben – ensuring he became the first celebrity victim of 2017.

A spokesman for Scotland Yard said: “We are investigating the mass murder of some songs at the Westminster Central Hall early this morning.

“A 42-year-old man from Stoke is helping us with our enquiries.”

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A Suffolk fan wailed on Facebook: “I can’t believe he has gone. 2017 can do one already; it’s the worst year ever. Robbie really is with the Angels now.”

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Revealed: Not all famous people died in 2016

The Editor
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Revealed: Not all famous people died in 2016

Dead in 2016

Some famous people did not die in 2016, it has been confirmed.

Facebook users will be comforted to know that some celebrities actually died in 2015, and many more passed in the years before that.

And a further heartwarming development reveals some well-known people are still alive and showing no signs of dying whatsoever.

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Everyone on Facebook seems convinced that 2016 should “do one” because it had killed off all the world’s most-cherished performers, some of whom they had never really liked or even heard of.

But Dr Ernest Brewer, professor of sociology at Little Brimmer University in Suffolk insisted: “This is all just a load of bollocks. As we get older, the so-called celebrities we know have got older as well and, not surprisingly, they are starting to die.

“Furthermore, if people take a lot of drugs or drink too much alcohol, they are likely to die a little earlier than expected anyway.”

Not all Facebook users are convinced, however. Chandice Bloomer, 23, from Ipswich, wailed: “Everyone is dead. There are no famous people left – even Elvis Presley died this year. The Grim Reaper has got too damned grim. Everyone is with the angels now. RIP.”

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Prince Harry’s naked romp in Aldeburgh hotel

The Editor
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Prince Harry’s naked romp in Aldeburgh hotel

Prince Harry naked
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Prince Harry has been sensationally photographed cavorting naked during a raunchy hotel party in downtown Aldeburgh.

He was visiting the party capital of Suffolk to let his hair down between stuffy Christmas and New Year celebrations with the Queen and Royal Family in Sandringham, Norfolk.

But Harry’s innocent fun turned increasingly wild before ending with a rowdy game of strip shove ha’penny with fun-loving locals in his hotel suite.

The Suffolk Gazette has been offered photographs of the Royal crown jewels but has declined to publish them in case it got sued out of deep respect for the Royal Family.

Prince Harry, who has previously holidayed in Las Vegas, decided this year to party in Aldeburgh, the Suffolk resort where anything goes. Thrill-seeking visitors are normally assured: “What happens in Aldeburgh, stays in Aldeburgh” – but the Queen’s grandson must have known he would be an exception.

He enjoyed a 12-hour bender at the plush hotel, beginning with a six-hour party in the outdoor pool with friends and random other guests. He quaffed endless pints of Adnams, the local cocktail, and frolicked in the water with local lovelies as traditional Suffolk morris dancers entertained guests poolside.

Then the tipsy group of 20 continued the party in the hotel bar before moving to the Prince’s VIP suite. There a pal suggested they play strip shove ha’penny, which is when Harry ended up nude together with two local fishermen’s wives, aged in their early 60s.

Shove ha'pennyThe shove ha’penny board in Harry’s suite
Photographs in the VIP suite were taken by a Norfolk smallholder, a Mr Bubba Spuckler, who was visiting Aldeburgh for a few days with his sister and their eight children.

Mr Spuckler is believed to have made hundreds of thousands of pounds from selling the photographs of the naked Harry in his Aldeburgh hotel to tabloid newspapers around the world.

A Buckingham Palace insider said: “This is not the first time Prince Harry has let his heir down. But Prince Charles has forgiven him.”

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