This dog loves bacon, but isn’t getting any. The ultimate dog tease video has had more than 170 million views on YouTube.
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Cute boy, 5, finds out he’s going to be a big brother
This is the moment a young boy finds out he’s going to be a big brother. His reaction is priceless, although it gets a little awkward when he asks his mum how she made the new baby!
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James Corden and Stevie Wonder
James Corden and music legend Stevie Wonder carpool through Los Angeles singing some of his classic songs – and Stevie suggests he and James start a group called the Wondercats.
Stevie Wonder’s 20-city tour ‘Songs In The Key Of Life Performance’ starts on September 30 in Montreal and ends on November 24 at New York’s Madison Square Garden.
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Country bumpkin Corbyn to tour ‘Downton’ Suffolk
By Len Inn
Political Reporter
The newly-elected leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn is to undertake a fact-finding tour of Suffolk in next month, his advisers claim.
The Suffolk Gazette can reveal that Corbyn, who grew up in the rural idyll of Wiltshire, is a self-confessed ‘country bumpkin’ and has a passion for exploring how his new Labour Party line-up can help the county.
A recently-appointed member of his staff, who asked not to be named, showed the Suffolk Gazette a draft copy of his busy travelling itinerary which includes town meetings in Ipswich and Bury St Edmunds as well as visits to Leiston, Stowmarket, Woodbridge, Sudbury, Haverhill and Thetford.
The keen cyclist and teetotal vegetarian is also looking forward to stopping for lunch at the famous Adnams brewery in Southwold before intending to give an evening speech before Aldeburgh Town Council.
The source added: “We were quite surprised by this as Jeremy outlined strong views for reintroducing the people of Suffolk to solid Socialist values like working in the fields, fishing fleets and factories.
“He believes Suffolk people have got fat and lazy on too many years of Tory materialism and spent too much time watching Downton Abbey on 42-inch televisions and stuffed-crust pizzas and he is getting on his bike to show his resolve.”
Mr Corbyn recently described his ‘impeccable middle-class upbringing’ to The Guardian newspaper. He grew up in the picturesque Wiltshire village of Kingston St Michael before moving to a seven-bedroomed home with his parents and three elder brothers in Shropshire.
His official “Team Corbyn” spokesman Karl Engels confirmed the plan, but added that Suffolk was one of several “Toryfied” counties that the new Leader wanted to visit. “He wants the democratically-elected local authorities to rediscover the lost Marxism principal of distribution of wealth. He believes a sharp dose of dialectical materialism will refresh the good people of Suffolk.”
No-one at Suffolk County Council was available for comment.
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Norfolk woman upset no-one sexually pesters her on LinkedIn
A Norfolk woman was furious last night because no men sent her sexist or suggestive messages on LinkedIn, the networking site for professionals.
Britain was scandalised this week when it was revealed creepy businessmen were sending sexist messages to women with attractive profile photos on the popular site.
Gorgeous, pouting barrister Charlotte Proudman was so cross she exposed her suitor on Twitter, sparking a media maelstrom.
But Edna Spratt, 44, from Dereham in Norfolk, was devastated because no male LinkedIn members paid her any compliments at all.
Ms Spratt, who put her profession down on LinkedIn as ‘Peasant’, said: “Surely some men find my profile photo attractive? My brother certainly does.”
Keen-eyed Suffolk Gazette readers will recognise Ms Spratt from our revelation earlier this year that thousands of peasant Norfolk migrants were attempting to cross into Suffolk.
Ms Spratt was pictured in her Dereham hovel, and has since clearly tried to improve her circumstances by joining LinkedIn.
“I thought it was a good way of finding a job,” she told us. “But it turns out there are not many networking opportunities for peasants on LinkedIn.
“Then when I read about this sexy lawyer girl getting propositioned, I thought, ‘Well my luck may be in after all’.
“But I have had no messages of adulation or questions about my underwear. I think I look lovely.”
A LinkedIn insider said: “We take sexism seriously and discourage men from sending such messages to our female customers. But if the women is willing, like Edna clearly is, we will introduce a new system whereby they can opt in for sexist approaches.”
We hope that by publishing this story, Ms Spratt’s inbox may now be filled with sex-starved Norfolk business types looking for love. Maybe she’ll find a use for her favourite carrot after all?
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Flash sports car driver has small penis
EXCLUSIVE
By Jerome Clarkson
Motoring Editor
A middle-aged man has been forced to admit that he purchased a flash sports car to make up for his small penis.
John Thomas, 51, from Woodbridge, was so self-conscious about his manhood that he bought a super-fast motor, thinking it would make him more appealing to women.
But he quickly heard people joking that he must have a small todger – folk who never previously suspected that he was lacking in the trouser department.
“I spent £40,000 on the five-litre Jaguar, figuring the ladies would be hugely impressed and assume that not only was I rich, but I was also a fine figure of a man.
“But as soon as I got out on the road, I got snide comments that driving a sports car meant I must have a small penis.”
Mr Thomas, a divorced self-employed psychiatrist, got in a row with mates at his local pub, The Cock, about the correlation between the size of a man’s car and the size of his tackle.
He made a rash bet that the link was not true – but then found he had to prove it.
“I lost a game of spoof which meant I had to prove I was right. Of course, I could not do so without dropping my trousers and pants in the lounge bar in front of all the customers.
“So rather than go through that indignity, and probably be arrested, I had to reluctantly admit that I did indeed have a tiny penis. My friends thought it was hilarious.”
Balding Mr Thomas is now trying to sell his car, and plans to buy a six-year-old Nissan Micra instead.
“Then women will assume I am a big boy,” he said.
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Old farmers create tractor surfing craze
By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)
A surprising craze for tractor surfing has given elderly Suffolk farmers a new lease of life.
They have rigged up special surf boards attached to ploughs, and enjoy being whizzed around fields by tractors while getting the ploughing done at the same time.
Claire Rozier, activities organiser for the newly formed Brampton Old Farmers Club, said: “We wanted to try normal surfing, but pulling on a wetsuit can be very difficult for people suffering pitchfork elbow.
“After discussing the problem over a few pints down at the Racehorse pub in Westhall, we decided we could probably still surf when being towed behind a tractor.
“So we went to Brian’s farm and set it all up – and it’s been a huge hit. Old farmers from across Suffolk have been having a go, and there’s no reason this can not become a popular televised sport on Look East.”
The elderly farmers are still coming up with all the rules for their new sport.
But one popular variant involves five of them surfing at once – and seeing who is the last to fall off as the tractor goes ever faster.
There have been one or two minor injuries, including one farmer having his left leg cut off by the plough, but otherwise there are no health and safety concerns.
The Brampton Old Farmers Club treasurer Quench Cooper added: “Although the tractor we use has a 24-litre engine, the members are happy to use their winter fuel allowances to club together and buy the paraffin to run it.
“We also get some cash back because other local farmers have been contracting us to plough their fields while we enjoy ourselves.”
Invicta ‘Vic’ Ward, chairman of the new club explained: “There are good Young Farmers groups around, but once we reach the age of 65 they stop us joining in.
“Older farmers not only have more time available, but can share valuable skills such as repairing machinery with nothing more than an adjustable spanner and lump hammer.”
Future projects for the club are expected to include concertos, leather flagon making workshops, and having a tipple together at the winter solstice.
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Sutton Hoo Carnival to kick off in 2016
By Sally Oghurt
Culture Correspondent
A forgotten Saxon village on the banks of the River Deben is to host the Notting Hill Carnival following shocking scenes and hundreds of arrests at this year’s London event, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.
Metropolitan Police say they have finally washed their hands of the legendary annual celebration of multiculturalism after an officer was stabbed, two others bitten and more than 300 people were arrested on August Bank Holiday this year.
But protests from hundreds of thousands of faithful carnival goers have been heard by members of Suffolk County Council’s new Cultural Reach-out And Prosper committee, which has announced that the annual display of ethnic music, alcoholism, mass drug abuse and street-defecation will take place at Sutton Hoo.
Sutton Hoo, just three miles from Woodbridge, was made famous in 1939 by archaeologist Dr Basil Brown who discovered a dynasty of Saxon kings buried beneath bracken-coated lumps of clay.
Now, the 2016 Sutton Hoo Carnival will be merged with the existing posh Aldeburgh Carnival, which is held on the same weekend and councillors are promising a host of legendary Dub, R&B and Drum n Bass stars from around the world as well as top Suffolk acts like well-known Leiston DJ Reg Squirrell.
Bernard Grabbit, chairperson of the CRAP committee said: “We are all delighted the organisers of the Notting Hill Carnival have agreed to hold their fantastic event in Sutton Hoo.
“The hundreds of thousands of attendees bring with them colour, culture, music and a great deal of happiness – not to mention several million pounds which they happily spend on over-priced alcohol, home-made weapons and disgusting world foods which we do not get in mono-cultural Suffolk.
“There’s great road access to the site and they won’t offend anyone – after all the residents have been dead and buried for more than 3,000 years.”
It is expected that truck over-spill parks along the A14 and A12 from Felixstowe to Martlesham, unused during that time of year, as well as the grounds of most schools in Woodbridge will be turned into temporary campsites to host the expected 300,000 visitors.
A Met source said: “Londoners and the Met are heartily sick of this faux PC nonsense which costs millions to police and clean up and clogs up the streets for days on end. I wish Suffolk the very best of luck.”
But a Suffolk Police insider added: “We will be having a very long conversation indeed with members of the CRAP committee.”
DJ Reg said: “Bring it on, buoy. I’ll make ‘em rock till they drop!”
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