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Super sexy Suffolk Segway

The Editor
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Super sexy Suffolk Segway

Exclusive
By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk farmer has transformed his old tractor into a new version of the Segway that he believes will take the country by storm.

Bill Smith, 74, cut his beloved old Massey Ferguson in half and tinkered with the mechanics to develop the all-terrain Segway, which will provide fast and safe transport around the countryside or in town centres.

The Suffolk Segway is now available at the bargain price of £7,999 and comes in four colours, so long as they are all rusty brown.

tractor segway
Farmer Bill Smith on board his Suffolk Segway

Mr Smith, who farms near Stoke-by-Nayland, said: “I was messing about in the workshop when my grandson started talking about wanting a Segway. He showed me a picture and I thought, ‘I can do better than that’.

“So I played around with my old tractor and developed a bigger version. The wheels are so large that it would be very difficult to fall off. Also, it means the Suffolk Segway can go anywhere – up hills, through muddy fields, across streams. There’s nothing it can’t do.”

The Suffolk Segway has a large battery, taken from the original tractor, that will provide enough power for 15 hours of carefree riding with a maximum speed of 25mph. It works by detecting any change in the centre of mass of the rider, and propels the vehicle forward or backwards as a result.

Mr Smith has already sold 72 of the Suffolk Segway machines, and admits the hardest part is finding enough old tractors to chop in half.

“It just goes to show it’s never too late in life to try something new,” he said.

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Intrigue over Suffolk version of Monopoly

The Editor
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Intrigue over Suffolk version of Monopoly

A Suffolk version of Monopoly, the popular game for all the family, has upset some residents of Haverhill because it is in the Old Kent Road spot on the board.

Great Cornard is also in the cheap ‘brown’ section of the Suffolkopoly game, which also features extensive Greater Anglia delays rather than four traditional stations.

Southwold and Aldeburgh sit proudly in the dark blue colours, in spots reserved for Mayfair and Park Lane in the traditional game.

Click on the image for a better view.

image

In Suffolkopoly the Electric Works has been replaced by the Sizewell Radiation Centre, the Water Works by a cheap but excellent Polish plumber, and there is also a Go To Norwich square, which nobody wants to land on.

But the game, conceived by Suffolk Gazette staff after a lengthy “editorial strategy meeting” in the Greyhound pub in Ipswich, has caused a big debate on social media.

Of the hundreds of comments, a representative two people from Haverhill were upset their town was the cheapest on the board. “It’s typical of the snobbishness of Suffolk,” said one.

“I have never read your newspaper and now never will,” said another, without seemingly realising the Suffolk Gazette is not a newspaper.

Others noted that Diss and Dedham, which were also given spots, were not even in Suffolk.

Suffolk Gazette Editor Simon Young said: “What did they expect from a game that was devised after a few too many pints of Adnams?

“If they want a more accurate game, they should just make it up like we did.”

Man tried to get wife eaten by bear

The Editor
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Man tried to get wife eaten by bear

An evil Suffolk man who planned to get his wife killed by a brown bear while on holiday in America has been jailed for ten years.

Exclusive
By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

Twisted Steve Lennox hid three juicy prime steaks in Freya’s backpack as they set off on a day’s hike in California’s Yosemite National Park.

Once deep inside the forest, he planned to attract the attention of the fearsome local bears before running off, leaving his wife as a defenceless steak-and-human snack.

But his horrific scheme, which would have allowed him to cash the £150,000 life insurance policy he tricked Freya into taking out last year, was foiled at the last minute.

A hunky American man camping nearby heard Freya’s screams as she ran through the forest being chased by a mother bear and two cubs.

Clint Jefferson, 27, managed to intercept and fend off the hungry bears with pepper spray, forcing them to retreat.

He then guided terrified Freya back to her hotel at Bass Lake 25 miles away, where they discovered the meat in her backpack – and Steve Lennox at the hotel reception calling cops with a false missing person’s report.

image
Fearsome brown bears are hungry

He was held by Clint Jefferson and burly kitchen staff until the police arrived.

At first he pleaded his innocence under questioning, insisting he had packed the meat for a nice BBQ treat. But he finally admitted he wanted his wife dead to get his hands on her life insurance.

Lennox, 39, a builder from Woodbridge in Suffolk, had taken retail assistant Freya. 38, on the “dream holiday” to California to celebrate their fifteenth wedding anniversary.

She was present in court in Fresno, California to see her ex husband jailed for attempted murder and breaking an old local law of feeding the bears by leaving a sneaky trail of bacon to attract them.

Afterwards, tearful Freya told a hushed press conference: “I can’t believe what he did. I hope he rots in jail.”

She said she believed Lennox came up with his scheme after watching a Yogi Bear cartoon before going to work one day.

“He must have been planning it for a while,” she explained. “It just goes to show you never really know someone.

“But I’ve had the last laugh. I’ve sold our house and moved to America to live with Clint.”

Meanwhile, there is another incident of Released bears eat Norfolk family in Thetford Forest

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Lady C joins Suffolk Gazette as Diplomatic Editor

The Editor
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Lady C joins Suffolk Gazette as Diplomatic Editor

EXCLUSIVE
By The Editor

The Suffolk Gazette has snapped up hot-headed I’m A Celebrity star Lady C to be its new Diplomatic Editor.

Lady Colin Campbell, who astonished viewers of the hit ITV show with her vicious tongue, is the perfect fit for this newspaper as it seeks to build bridges with readers from Norfolk.

She will be in charge of selecting news stories featuring six-fingered nice folk north of the Suffolk border, and will personally ensure no harsh words are said and that the peace is kept at all times.

In the Australian jungle she spent days cutting Spandau Ballet singer Tony Hadley and business tycoon Duncan Bannatyne to shreds, seemingly able to create an argument out of nothing.

She described former Dragons Den star Bannatyne as a “vain old goat” and “poverty-stricken compared to what I’m used to”, while Hadley was called a “chippy oik with the brains of a pea and the mouth of diarrhoea”, a “pretentious buffoon”, “fat slob”, and a “blasted liar and a creep”.

In fact her only friends in the camp, before she walked out on “medical grounds” earlier today, were boxing champ Chris Eubank and former Ipswich and England footballer Kieron Dyer.

Lady Colin Campbell
Tossers, tossers, the whole bunch of you: Lady C says hello

It was her relationship with Dyer, who was born in Ipswich before playing for the club in a glittering start to his career, which sealed the deal with the Suffolk Gazette.

A pal of Lady C said she enjoyed his Ipswich stories in the jungle so much that she had no hesitation in joining the Suffolk Gazette as its Diplomatic Editor.

“She is well aware of the deep divisions, hatred, mistrust and potentially downright dangerous flashpoints between the people of Norfolk and Suffolk.

“Her new role is a vital one in keeping the peace, and her record in the jungle shows she does not have a diplomatic bone in her body and will be absolutely useless at it.”

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Boot Cambridgeshire out of East Anglia

The Editor
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Boot Cambridgeshire out of East Anglia

Exclusive
By Edmund King

***NEWSFLASH***
Poll results

Should Cambs be booted out of East Anglia?
Yes, of course 31.3%
Yes, and Norfolk 27.1%
No, I like flat things 41.6%

So there you have it. Cheerio, Cambridgeshire!

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Suffolk and Norfolk have formed an unlikely alliance to get Cambridgeshire booted out of East Anglia.

The annoying, flat county has enjoyed the benefits of quaint East Anglian status for far too long – without actually bringing anything to the party itself.

Apart from Cambridge, which is a nice little city, the rest of the county is only useful for driving through in order to get to important places like the Midlands or Oop North.

The rest of Cambridgeshire is a barren wasteland full of weird people and dykes, as well as other drainage solutions for the Fens.

Not even a couple of cathedrals – one in Ely and another in Peterborough (and let’s not get started about Peterborough) – can justify it being a parasite which feeds off the success of the real East Anglians who attract tourism and wealth.

Barren nights: Cambridgeshire in all its glory

Rural charm: traditional East Anglian scene in Lavenham, Suffolk

Now the great and the good from Suffolk and Norfolk, traditional enemies on so many issues, have teamed up to strike Cambridgeshire from East Anglia altogether.

The region was originally formed of only these two counties – originally called North and South Folk of the Kingdom of East Angles, but the big-eared flatlanders joined in when pesky princess Etheldreda of the Isle of Ely got wed around the year 650.

Ever since the swamplands of Cambridgeshire have been drained to make it more bearable – and in turn Cambridgeshire has drained the life from East Anglia, a place of beautiful countryside, coastline, breweries, a fine football team (in Ipswich, obviously) and the place listed as a number one destination by visitors from around Britain and beyond.

A spokesman for the newly formed Anglia Against Cambridgeshire Coalition, which consists of county council chiefs, MPs, tourism and business leaders, said: “We don’t mind parts of North Essex being in East Anglia because it is picturesque, but Cambridgeshire brings us nothing.

“We’d be better off flooding it, providing a pretty natural boundary to East Anglia from the rest of the country.”

Nobody from Cambridgeshire was available for comment today, but you can have your say by voting in our exclusive poll below…

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Suffolk publisher sacks ‘lazy’ God

The Editor
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Suffolk publisher sacks ‘lazy’ God

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Evan Elpuss
Religious Affairs Editor

A leading book publisher has torn up its contract with God because he has not produced any new material for over 2,000 years.

Biblical Publications Corp., based in Laxfield, Suffolk, became increasingly concerned God had not written a thing since his debut blockbuster featuring the Old and New Testaments.

They were also frustrated he had not bothered making and public appearances recently.

Chief executive Ronnie Wilson fumed: “We had a contract in place for five books, but after the success of the Bible, God seems to have got writer’s block.

“You’d think he would have loads of ideas to work with, especially as – and this is between you and I – most of it was made up anyway.

“In the end he stopped taking our calls and our letters were returned unopened. He might think he is the supreme being and ruler of all moral authority, but we sacked him for being lazy.”

A spokesman for God said he was upset but not surprised by the Suffolk publisher’s decision.

“He realises over 2,000 years is quite a long time to wait for a new book – but he has been quite busy recently.

“Biblical Publications Corp. is entitled to take a stand – but we should point out it religiously makes a healthy profit each year with royalties from the first book.”

One disappointed local fan of the Bible series, Mavis Callaghan, 78, of Framlingham, said: “I enjoyed God’s first book and have been searching Amazon for his new book, but to no avail.

“It’s a miracle his contract was not torn up years ago.”

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Sites publish any old rubbish on Black Friday

The Editor
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0
Sites publish any old rubbish on Black Friday

So-called respectable online news organisations were today publishing any old rubbish in the hope of enticing readers to click on profitable Black Friday adverts.

The shameless websites were running stories with apparently no thought at all in an attempt to attract traffic that would be easily influenced to click on a bargain.

One news website even wrote a story about other news websites publishing any old rubbish.

[AdSense-A]

A media source said: “With competition for eyeballs so high, and with readers’ attention diverted to picking up Black Friday bargains, publishers are resorting to publishing the first thing that comes into their heads.

“Readers open up the story and realise they have been duped – but before they close their browser, they see a Black Friday advert and they just can’t help themselves.

“They click it and the publisher gets paid a princely sum.”

But a spokesman for the British News Website Standards Authority, of which the Suffolk Gazette is a founding (and only) member, said: “The notion that sites are running any old rubbish today in order to attract lucrative eyeballs on Black Friday is nonsense.

“The Suffolk Gazette does this every day.”

[AdSense-B]

The Suffolk Gazette editor was unavailable for comment, because he was “at a meeting” in the pub.

Cynics suspect he is only down the pub because readers have unwittingly been clicking on ads, or have finally been finally bamBOOZEled into buying him a pint.

A source at the paper did, however, concede that this very story was the third Black Friday story that the Suffolk Gazette had been peddling on social media today.

“We like to keep readers up to speed with important issues such as this,” the source added.

Doris from Melton is moving

The Editor
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0
Doris from Melton is moving

If the Suffolk Gazette was a radio show, then Brian and Doris from Melton would be its star performers.

Those who remembered the hilarious phone-in from Brian to Town 102, talking about the Great Hurricane and how his mum Doris, aged 94, was the mystery person to phone the BBC to warn it was coming, will be pleased to know we’ve found two more ‘Brian from Melton’ phone-ins.

In the first, he tells radio Town 102’s Nick Pandolfi that he and his long-suffering mum are moving out of Melton because of the unwelcome attention they got from the original broadcast – including visits from the Sunday Mirror and calls from the Tricia Show on Channel 5 “which we can’t get in Melton because we’re still extraterrestrial here”.

Next, Brian rings in to Nick’s show trying to win a trip to Pleasurewood Hills for his mum, who has wanted to visit the theme park “near Loowestorft” for years.

Both are highly recommended listening, and we’ve added the original call, which started it all off, at the bottom, which featured the unfortunate loss of Doris’ tea towels and a torrid time for Biscuit the dog.

Moving:

Pleasurewood Hills

The original ‘Great Storm’ call

The recordings were first broadcast back in 2013, and Nick has since left Town 102 (although he returned to guest broadcast a short while ago).

As a thank you for using his Doris from Melton material here, we’ll happily give his website a plug.

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