Suffolk Coastal District Council is introducing a special discount card aimed exclusively at second home owners to recognise their invaluable contribution to the sunrise coast economy.

Called the Suffolk Second Home card, it will entitle users to 30% off goods and services throughout the county, including pubs, restaurants and posh shops.

SCDC initially refused to comment but has since released this statement: “The council actively encourages second home ownership and feels that our visitors often experience thinly-disguised resentment when dealing with local businesses.

“This can take the form of an intentionally badly-pulled pint, ‘London prices’ for crabbing equipment in Walberswick, and hostile staring in the car park at Waitrose in Saxmundham. By introducing the discount card we hope to redress the balance whilst further reducing council tax for second homes.”

Second home owners

Natalie Dressed, owner of posh frock shop, Colin and Claire, which has branches in Southwold and Aldeburgh, welcomed the move.

“The discount card is a lovely idea and even with 30% off we would still be making a profit. Second home owners really get a rough deal and if getting a bit of discount on an expensive dress helps to cheer them up then we are happy to do our bit.”

Marcus Mumford, beardy folkster and owner of hardware shop, Mumford and Sons of Southwold, was unavailable for comment as he was probably at the cash and carry, or he could have been out the back labelling the firelighters – or even writing some banjo music.

Marcus’s mum, who works on the till, thought the scheme was an excellent idea. “Second homeowners are our bread and butter and without them we would have to rely purely on Marcus’s royalties. and they would barely cover the rent.”

How the Second Home card will look. Possibly.Hugh Jeego, city banker and second homeowner was enthusiastic about the scheme. He told the Suffolk Gazette: “Hopefully this is just the start for the beleaguered second home owner on the sunrise coast.

“I have certainly noticed hostility when talking about my huge salary in the pub and I was definitely overcharged for a frisbee at a souvenir stall on the beach.”

Pound Plaza

Asked whether the scheme would be extended to local residents, the spokesman for SCDC declined to comment, but when questioned further in the pub he indicated it would be an administrative nightmare.

“Locals can’t afford anything in the shops anyway -even with 30% off. They should stick to the newly renamed “Pound Plaza” in Ipswich. Isn’t it your round?”

Locals were furious at the snub. Ivy Crackling, 67, is now forced to live in a rented garage because she can no longer afford a house in her home town of Southwold.

“The second home owners already have loads of money. The last thing they need is a discount card. It’s got so bad now that I could not even afford to live in a beach hut in Southwold.”

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Southwold beach huts more expensive than houses elsewhere in Suffolk

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Gangs of elderly residents are taking legal highs and running riot in Suffolk.

Police were called out to Debenham on Monday night after locals complained of raucous behaviour and loud music playing into the early hours.

A student living next door to the Purple Haze Care Home said: “It was 1am and we were trying to study for exams – but we couldn’t concentrate over the noise of old war songs.

“When we knocked on the door politely we were sworn at and someone threw false teeth at us.”

Another neighbour was threatened with knitting needles and told to respect their elders – or else.

Meanwhile, horrified onlookers reported one OAP downing a whole bag of legal high, washed down with a nice cuppa screaming: “We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when.”

Reports of elderly dealers flogging legal highs in bingo halls and cafes have increased by a whopping 67%.

They are legal substances said to ‘lift the spirits’, although doctors warn they are not properly regulated, have not been tested and could be harmful to health.

Locals live in fear of one particular elderly resident gang in Debenham, who go by the street names of The Blue Rinsers, or Silver Haired Aged Gang.

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Members of the notorious Blue Rinsers gang in DebenhamThe Suffolk Gazette infiltrated the Purple Haze home to find out the truth from residents.

One 86-year-old lady, known only as Doreen, told us: “Bowls simply isn’t a fun game without a little pick-me-up.

“It only costs a little money that would only have been wasted on bingo. Now it’s us that’s wasted – and I feel like I’m 75 again.”

Another resident, Eric, 89, said: “I’ve just had my hip replaced and now I can fly.” He then jumped out of a first-floor window and is now recovering in Ipswich Hospital.

Police have been asked NOT to stick to their new policy of shooting to kill any criminal suspects to save money. And some kind-hearted locals say the elderly gangs are just having some deserved fun and should be left in peace.

Certainly police in Debenham are playing the issue with a softly-softly attitude. Police Officer Dibble also said a charity had been set up to help cope with pensioners having legal high issues.

He said: “If you or a relative has been affected by elderly legal high taking, contact the charity Oh Danny Boy at the day care centre in the High Street.”

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By Ruth Tyler, Property Correspondent

Thatched roofs are to be banned by meddling EU bureaucrats – because they pose a fire risk.

Thousands of quaint Suffolk cottages owners will be forced to replace the pretty thatch with ugly tiles by 2018.

The straw-topped, picture-postcard cottages have been part of the idyllic Suffolk scenery for centuries.

But Brussels has ruled that not only is there a fire danger, but the pollution from such blazes threatens strict environmental control targets.

UKIP slammed the news as yet more “barmy” Euro behaviour, while the Tories said they would overturn the decision if re-elected to power.

Owners of the 309,000 Suffolk thatched cottages on the EU hit list will be able to claim from the EU Central Bank for the cost of the work, plus any compensation for the loss of their property value.

But there will be no such compensation for skilled thatchers, who will need to re-train as tilers.

Bulgarian EU spokesman Wastov Uremunee said: “We don’t want to see any more dangerous fires in the Suffolk countryside.

“Furthermore, the smoke from these blazes ruins the atmosphere and gives people living in the countryside asthma.”

Suffolk UKIP member of the European Parliament, Colonel Roger Tweed, fumed: “This is barmy, yet another ridiculous EU law.

“Suffolk is known throughout the country for its lovely thatched cottages – we will fight this every step of the way.”

One furious cottage owner, Pamela Bush from Tannington, said: “They will remove my thatch over my dead body. My husband loves it.”

By Evan Elpuss, Religious Affairs Correspondent

Church goers are failing to eat enough chocolate over the Easter break, according to one enraged Suffolk clergyman.

The Rt Rev Ferraro Lindt, Bishop of Walsingham-le-Willows, has deplored the decline in sales of Britain’s favourite confectionery, as health-conscious congregations turn their backs on ancient, long-standing traditions of the religious holiday.

“People seem to have lost touch with the Easter message, which should be about chocolate eggs, chocolate rabbits, chocolate chickens and boxes of chocolate.”

Numerous church-led initiatives to engage more potential churchgoers in an annual chocfest have apparently fallen on deaf ears. Church leaders even dressed up in rabbit costumes to give away chocolate goodies.

A vicar dressed up as an Easter bunnyBishop Lindt said that after one failed plan, his church was left ‘stacked almost to the rafters’ with scores of boxes of uneaten eggs.

“Last year we thought we had nailed it by handing out free Easter eggs in the county’s churches, but people thought we were just hammering home the Easter message too much.

“As spiritual leaders of the community, we have been trying our best to engage a new congregation, but we have been coming under increasing criticism for trying to promote a traditional approach to religion.

“It seems that bashing the bishop has become a national pass time. We are doing our best to beat off the competition but there are just too many options out there,” he railed.

Churches are ramming home the choccie messageBishop Lindt said he had all but given up on his congregation. “I’ll probably just spend Easter hanging out with a couple of friends.”

“We all have our crosses to bear,” he sighed.

By Polly Ticks, Political Editor

The Suffolk Independence Referendum has resulted in an overwhelming ‘Yes’ vote, meaning the county will rule itself from next month.

But what changes lay ahead for the good people of the county?

Changes to Suffolk’s Future
Currency Changes: The new currency will be Suffolk Dollars, with $1,000 Suffolk Dollars being equivalent to two shillings. All sterling currency will be burnt or melted during the Suffolk Independence Day Parade on April 1.

Language: The new local language shall be named “Suffikish”. All households will be sent translation dictionaries in due course. Old English, New English, Web Slang and Urban Slang will be outlawed by the Suffolk Sherriff June Brown, aka Dot Cotton (see tips from the new language at the bottom of this article).

Border Policy: Existing UK Passports will be valid until the end of 2015. Suffolks will be able to leave and come as the please, however all non Suffolks will require a Visa or Debit card issued from the RBS (Royal Bank of Suffolk). The Royal Bank of Scotland, at first outraged with the copyright infringement, soon calmed down after some Suffolk Whiskey, and insisted: “Och aye, we will support th’ suffolk dollar,” or something similar, along those lines.

Health Care: One book of plasters will be issued to all households once per month. Links to YouTube videos will be available for all other medical emergencies, 24 hours per day. Suffolk’s own Dr Surresh Getawells said: “These days Google can explain ways to get better more than most GPs. Toothpaste is often the answer.”

Flag: Changes to the flag are not final, but after a $7 million Suffolk Dollars investment in the county’s future, the first mock-up is available..

Suffolk has a population of over 730,000, and each of the 73 sheep represent 10,000 residents. We’d like to the world to take note that we are not sheep, we are independent!

*Translations from English to Suffikish
Hello = Helloolk.
Goodbye = Reverseolk Helloolk.
LOL = Har Har Har.
Thank You = Thankolk eweolk.
Mine’s a Pint = Unolk Suffolk Milkolk.
She sells sea shells on the seashore = Sheolk sellolk stuffolk onolk Claremont Pier Beach.

(The language will be a tough one to crack; all signs will be replaced throughout Suffolk in the coming months)

Summary
The future is indeed bright for Suffolk, if not as bright as the new flag, we welcome these changes at the Suffolk Gazette and declare April 1st Suffolk Independence Day. On that note, we bid you reversolk hellolk.

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EXCLUSIVE
By Jerome Clarkson, Motoring Editor

Testing of a driverless car went drastically wrong when it ran amok in Suffolk, causing thousands of pounds worth of damage and leaving two cyclists in hospital.

The high-tech autonomous vehicle was being assessed on an industrial estate near Felixstowe when it took off, going on a 50-mile rampage.

It was meant to be doing laps around the estate in Kirton, where engineers were fine-tuning its parking capabilities.

But it is believed an apprentice had been messing about with its sat nav programming systems – which then clicked in unexpectedly. In an hour-long drama, the car:

– Drove out of Kirton and headed down the A14 to Ipswich

– Went along the pavement for five miles towards the town centre, sending pedestrians scurrying into bushes and front gardens

– Smashed into the Buttermarket shopping centre and went right through the mall, coming out of the other side

– Zipped around a McDonalds drive-thru seven times

– Entered Ipswich Town’s Portman Road stadium and drove around the pitch, knocking over both sets of goalposts

– Explored every level of the Ipswich rail station multi-storey car park

– Looped 30 times around the busy Civic drive roundabout, knocking two cyclists over

The carnage only stopped when the car went to the town’s Greyhound pub and turned itself off in the car park.

 

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Google’s driverless car has not had problems

Now engineers are frantically going back to the drawing board to prevent similar incidents.

The car, developed by Korean company Kak, was thought to be only months away from mainstream production, but the incident will set back the development of the vehicles for several years.

A Kak spokesman told the Suffolk Gazette: “This is all very embarrassing. The car was working perfectly well but a young lad at the testing site got a bit over excited when he was setting the GPS system.

“He entered all the coordinates for a joke, but was horrified when the sat nav switched on and the car took itself off. We are very pleased that the car followed his instructions perfectly, but of course that is not really the point.

“We have paid the shopping centre and Ipswich Town Football Club for the damage caused, and send our best wishes to the injured cyclists.”

Driverless or autonomous cars are expected to boom in the coming years, and will be worth £50 billion to the UK economy alone.

But the public will take some convincing that the vehicles are safe.

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police officers will be allowed to shoot criminals in a hugely controversial bid to save money.

The cash-strapped East Anglian force, which needs to save £200 million, believes giving constables a licence to kill will also be a massive deterrent to the county’s criminal fraternity.

But the plans by Suffolk Crime Commissioner Tim Passless were attacked by human rights campaigners as “barbaric” – while local UKIP activists said the measures did not go far enough.

Mr Passless will announce that from July 1, all officers will be issued with handguns, including voluntary community support beat officers.

Meanwhile, traffic cops will also get long-range sniper rifles so they can take down suspects fleeing by car.

Mr Passless will insist that police will be under strict instructions to shoot and kill only suspects they are “pretty sure” are guilty.

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Armed police in Suffolk

A police insider told Suffolk Gazette: “By eradicating suspects in his way, we will save an absolute fortune.

“First there will be none of the endless paperwork required when we arrest someone.

“We’ll then free up the drain of packed police station cells, stop the need for many court cases, then ultimately slash the future prison population.

“It’s a no brainer that will save way more than our £200 million budget shortfall.”

Cops have already been testing firearms at a secret gun range in Martlesham, where they quickly ruled out issuing machine guns because of the risk of “collateral” damage.

One senior officer said: “We’re looking forward to it. This will bring back old-fashioned policing to our streets. Justice will be fair and swift.

“We expect one or two mistakes in the early days, but we ask the public to stick with us. Once the first few toe rags are out of the way, the public will be fully on board.”

The human rights group Don’t Shoot was furious. Spokesman Ivor Smith-Wesson said: “This is barbaric. If there has been a robbery, officers can shoot to kill anyone they have reason to believe is involved – even if that suspect is unarmed and running away.

“There’s also bound to be fatal mistakes because the force has cut back on expensive eye tests for its officers.”

But local UKIP councillor Major Anthony Pugh was full of praise for the new policy.

“This will make our streets safer, and free up loads of cash for our police force. It might even allow for the return of the Suffolk police Apache helicopter.

“If anything we’d support an even tougher crackdown, and hand these weapons to all immigration officers as well.”