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Suffolk gran munches to sprouts world record

The Editor
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Suffolk gran munches to sprouts world record

sprouts world record

A Suffolk grandmother has entered the Guinness Book of Records for eating the highest number of sprouts in one hour.

Gladys Barraclough, 76, went through every child’s nightmare by munching through 2,437 of the green vegetables at an eye-watering rate of 40 every MINUTE.

She hopes her achievement might prompt curious children to try sprouts during their Christmas dinners this year – instead of hiding them under a potato.

But Gladys, of Knodishall near Leiston, admits her fascination with sprouts has an unfortunate side effect. “My husband Dennis gets annoyed because we have to open all the windows for a day. I love my sprouts but when you eat them you can get a little windy.

“When I completed by world record attempt, I was probably also close to smashing the breaking wind world record as well!”

Gladys, who used to work on a farm that grew sprouts, first realised she had a talent for eating large amounts when she was a teenager.

“I could get through whole bowlfulls. As I got older, I would cover my plate in them during Sunday lunch, and then I decided to set the world record, which previously stood at 1,956 sprouts eaten in an hour by a gentleman in Belgium.

“The man from Guinness World Records was present in Knodishall Village Hall to witness my challenge, and I now have a lovely certificate to prove it.”

Gladys says she is now determined to break the record again in time for next Christmas.

“I want to eat 3,000 sprouts in one hour,” she said.

Hubby Dennis admitted he was fed up with the smell, but joked: “At least we do not need a stair lift for Gladys – she just passes wind at the bottom of the stairs and is propelled up like a rocket.”

Pig Farm Simulator game goes bust

The Editor
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Pig Farm Simulator game goes bust

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

The company behind the ill-advised Pig Farm Simulator 2015 computer game has gone bust owing hundreds of thousands of pounds to creditors.

Trotters Software Inc, based near Stowmarket in Suffolk, developed and launched the game despite warnings it had no market.

Gamers were expected to take on the role of a Suffolk pig farmer and breed pigs, raise piglets, muck them out and then kill them for sausages, bacon and a fat profit.

The software first went on sale in March for £39.50 but was quickly reduced to £10 when copies were hard to shift.

An iPhone app was also introduced, but even then sales failed to pick up, and the company folded owing a small fortune to investors and the tax man.

Flop of the chops: Pig Farm Simulator failed to sell

A gaming expert said: “Pig Farm Simulator was doomed from the start. Who wants to play a game where the whole plot centres around rearing animals and then killing them for food?

“Also, the execution of the graphics was terrible and it looked like something from the 1990s.”

Suffolk mum Natasha Crisp was furious when she bought the game for her daughter, Faye, 15. “I thought it would be fun and educational for her, but instead she spent hours in the game having to shift pig crap with a pressure washer and then butcher her beloved pigs for food. She was horrified.”

Nobody from Trotters Software Inc was available for comment. But a note on the door of their premises said: “Business closed. We made a pigs ear of it.”

At the time of the game’s high-profile launch, director John Smith said: “We have made the game as realistic as possible. Now anyone can experience the exciting life of a pig farmer.”

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World’s coldest woman lives in Ipswich

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World’s coldest woman lives in Ipswich

An Ipswich woman has triumphed for a record third year running in the World Feeling Cold Championships, held in Saudi Arabia.

Tracy Dell, a 43-year-old housewife and mother of four, managed to complain about feeling “absolutely frozen” 127 times during the 12-hour competition – even though temperatures were in the high 90s.

This was a new personal best for Mrs Dell, shattering her previous record of 98 complaints during last year’s event on Copacabana Beach in Rio De Janeiro. The world record was 130 complaints set by an Australian woman during the 1999 event in The Bahamas.

freezing-woman
Tracy Dell wrapped up

Mrs Del beat 3,000 other woman to claim the title and the prize of an Arctic survival suit and free central heating oil for a year.

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The Suffolk Gazette tried to contact Mr Dell last night to ask about his wife’s triumph, but he was unavailable for comment.

He is believed to be serving six months in prison for non-payment of the family’s last quarterly heating bill, which is believed to be in excess of £30,000.

* Disclaimer: This spoof is not, in any way, shape, or form, intended to lampoon the fairer sex and their infuriating propensity to constantly whine about feeling “frozen”, irrespective of the time of the year, ambient temperature, central heating setting, being on a collision course with the sun with only minutes to impact etc.

* To read more from this contributor, please visit Soz Satire.

Dragons Den with Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse

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Dragons Den with Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse

Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse present their hilarious version of Dragons Den, featuring a hapless pair pitching their business venture – a new month called Augcember.

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A140 driver jailed after hitting 35mph

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A140 driver jailed after hitting 35mph

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A driver who posted photos of himself on Facebook reaching speeds of up to 35mph along the A140 has been jailed.

Justin Johnson filmed his speedometer reaching reckless speeds along the notoriously slow road, and at one point the needle was seen to hit 35mph.

Police said that sort of pace was more than double the speed achieved by most drivers who have to pootle along the busy A140 for miles on end.

One traffic cop told us: “It was crazy going that fast. We’ve never clocked anyone getting above 20mph on the A140 before. Mr Johnson would have got away with it, except he decided to film his recklessness and then brag about it on social media.

“His Facebook and Twitter posts included the photograph of his Audi speedometer touching 35mph – and that was all the evidence we needed to prosecute.”

speed limit 140
Dangerously fast: Johnson’s photo which landed him in jail
Soil scientist Johnson, 34, of Framlingham, was jailed for six months and lost his license for a year when he admitted dangerous driving at Ipswich Crown Court last week.

His wife, Helen told the Suffolk Gazette: “He was full of remorse. He uses the road up to Norfolk every day and never normally gets above 15mph because of all the lorries and farm machinery.

“He just got carried away and realises it was stupid to show off with the photograph. Justin will regret it for the rest of his life.”

Speed limit

Meanwhile, Suffolk County Council is investigating ways of speeding up journey times on the main road route between Suffolk and Norfolk.

They might finally approve plans to dual the whole stretch from Claydon, near Ipswich, right up to Norwich. But campaigners will be furious because councillors want the slow lane to become a ‘tractor lane’ – meaning cars will still only have one lane to use.

Anger as Suffolk postcodes replace Norfolk ones

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Anger as Suffolk postcodes replace Norfolk ones

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

The residents of Norfolk were fuming last night with news that the county will be forced to adopt IP postcodes from neighbouring Suffolk.

Royal Mail staff have downgraded Norfolk because so few people can read or write there, making letters or deliveries a rare commodity.

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To save money, executives have decided to simply extend the current Suffolk postcode system, which uses popular IP postcodes based on Ipswich, the county town.

Under the reorganisation, which will begin in the New Year, all Norwich addresses will use IP99 postcodes, with all outlying areas of the county using various IP number combinations.

Norfolk 2
Norfolk’s traditional postcode areas will be eliminated

A Royal Mail insider said: “There is no point supporting NR postcodes when nobody there understands letters. In Suffolk they are much better educated and make full use of the postal service.

“It makes perfect sense for us to extend the IP reach into neighbouring Norfolk, which we hear depends a lot on Suffolk anyway.”

But Norfolk people were furious. Edna Spratt, who lives in a hovel near Dereham, fumed: “I am fuming. I have no idea what a letter is or how I would go about writing one, but I know that if I did it should have nothing to do with Suffolk.”

Edna Spratt on LinkedIn
Peasant Edna Spratt fuming in her Norfolk hovel

Some business leaders were supportive of the plans. Cletus Spuckler, who runs a smallholding specialising in turnips, said: “Suffolk postcodes will give my business address more prestige. Creating the right impression is vital.”

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Ultimate ‘meat machine’ bred from pigs and cows

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Ultimate ‘meat machine’ bred from pigs and cows

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk farm is creating history by successfully breeding pigs and cows together to produce the ultimate ‘meat machine’.

The offspring, affectionately called ‘pows’, yield both beef and pork produce, which means farmers can enter two markets for the price of one.

Experts say this will revolutionise the food industry by creating cheaper beef and pork joints, sausages and bacon for the supermarket.

The breeding programme is being pioneered at Hatchet Farming Estate near Bawdsey, and the pows are getting bigger, leaner and stronger by the day.

the pow - a cross between a pig and a cow that will revolutionise the food industry
A pow, created by breeding pigs and cows, frolicking on the Suffolk farm

Farmer Jeremy Giles, speaking exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette, said: “The pows are fairly big – about mid way between a pig and a cow. We have carefully developed the breeding programme so that the beef and pork joints are in separate parts of the animal. This means the meats are not mixed up.

“We’ve enjoyed terrific topside beef, brilliant bacon, sizzling sausages and gorgeous gammon – all from the same animal. We’re still working on the rear end structure, but we fully expect to perfect rump steak as well.”

So far Mr Giles has grown an impressive herd of 60 pows on his 300-acre estate. He will be presenting them to the Food Standards Agency early next year, and already has the backing of meat trade associations and the Meat Marketing Board.

A retail insider said: “This new animal is unique and solves a critical problem for farmers everywhere – how to diversify their produce with no extra expense.

‘Cheaper’

“By breeding pows they can produce pork and beef products from the same animal, halving their costs. These savings will ultimately be passed on to the consumer, so we can all expect cheaper Sunday lunches within a year.”

Developing the first pow was no easy task. Mr Giles and his team had to find a small cow and a large pig in order to make breeding physically possible.

“We put them together in a cozy sty, put down plenty of straw and turned down the lighting. We then left them alone to let nature take its course. We confirmed within a week that the cow was pregnant, and five months later a litter of six pows arrived.

“The were all pink with black markings with a curious shaped head. We have successfully kept the breeding programme going and the animals are all strong and healthy.

“We’re delighted with the pows. The only odd thing is the noise they make – a combination of a muffled moo and a loud oink.”

Rowan Atkinson the school master

The Editor
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Rowan Atkinson the school master

This is Rowan Atkinson’s classic “school master” routine, played out to a live audience.

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