A Suffolk mum says it’s so hot today that she accidentally fried an egg on her car.
Sascha Smith, 32, had just got home from shopping when she tried to put a carton of eggs on her car roof so she could close the boot.
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But the carton slipped out of her hand causing one of the free-range eggs to smash over the hot metal of her black Mini.
“It started frying before my eyes,” mum-of-two Sasha said. “I couldn’t believe it. I know it’s really hot today but that was ridiculous. I had to run inside the house and bring out my spatula. By the time I got back it was cooked to perfection.”
It’s no yolk: Sascha sent us this pic of her fried egg before eating it
Sasha said she scooped up the tasty treat, sunny side up, and added some pepper and chives. “It was a shame to waste it. It was cracking,” she said.
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Temperatures in Suffolk soared to a whopping 28 degrees centigrade today, and the heatwave is expected to last well into next week.
When it comes to winding up Norwich fans, the Suffolk Gazette takes its work very seriously. So, when we recently put some juicy bait on the line using a cheeky Twitter trick, the poor soles in Norfolk bit and were left wriggling on the hook. In fact, we reeled in a whole load of them.
The plan was simple. Using a clever piece of software, we made sure that every time a Norwich fan Tweeted using the hashtag #NCFC they were automatically added to various Suffolk Gazette lists including I’m Really an ITFC Fan. They then got an automated message informing them of this joyous news. And they were very cross.
Many clearly had no idea how Twitter lists work and seemed to think we needed their permission to add them to anything. Others thought we had somehow hacked into their account. One even wanted to call in the lawyers.
Dear @SuffolkGazette, you appear to have added me to your list #itfcfans -please remove my name ASAP or legal action may follow. Thank you.
Are your onions protruding? Don’t be alarmed. So are my husband’s. They are supposed to at this time of the year. At first I didn’t know whether they were getting too big for their space, or whether they needed to be covered up. Indeed, I thought the Old Bill might turn up.
You don’t need to earth them up, as you do your potatoes. Just leave your onions to enjoy feeling the sun or the pitter-patter of gentle rain as they swell.
As you can see from my photo of Bonkers Boris, the village idiot, you will find that many things In the lady garden are there for the taking at the moment. Notice his firm carrot and plump potatoes. They can all be harvested now or in the next few weeks, along with the broad beans, peas and salad veg. You can still plant an extra row of peas and enjoy another summer crop. Your beetroot may also be ready for pulling out to enjoy with a tin of Spam and a dollop of Heinz salad cream.
Bonkers Boris can usually be found sitting on the wall near the old asylum with his mussed-up hair, grunting as the girls go by and yelling “wiff waff, wiff waff” at our foreign fruit pickers. And look what the soppy old thing did when I asked him once to help clear out the stream at the bottom of my Lady Garden. He waded right into the middle, and you can see here what happened next…
Sometimes Bonkers Boris can been seen on his rusty old bike on the way to the allotments where he works as a scarecrow. But for all his stupidity, he knows quite a bit about My Lady Garden and likes to lend a hand.
He quotes many old bits of wisdom from his uncle, Mr Trump, who brought him up in a cupboard under the stairs, like: “Red sky at night? Putin’s in sight.”
Or: “Don’t cast a clout till Mrs May is out.”
And: “A bird in the hand can be shagged in the bush.”
Sometimes, he shouts in what he thinks is Latin: “Bleugh! Plop! Inky Pinky Ponky Ner Ner Ner. Foreign Secs for Everyone, HAHAHA!”
They are almost as wise as my favourite old sayings: “A hard man is good to find.” Or:”A bad workman always blames his tool.” And: “All that glitters is not Gary.”
Another famous phrase, of course, is: “The other man’s grass is always greener.”
This applied to me and my next door neighbour. The last time I threw a gin bottle over the hedge I had a peep at his lawn. It was perfectly cropped and perfectly green, like the famous cricket pitch at Wembley.
Howzat! The famous Wembley cricket ground with lovely turf
Then I realised it was AstroTurf! I looked up the price and it was more expensive than my shagpile!
Many dog owners lay fake lawn to stop widdle stains. My husband is thinking of getting the same for me… and we don’t even have a pet.
Laying the artificial grass is a right palaver but you can always get a man in. The advice is to remove the sod. But I think you should make him a cup of tea and a sausage sandwich.
Once my neighbour had gone to all that expense and was expecting to spend the summer on his lilo with a barrel of Adnams, his father-in-law went round while he was out and mowed the AstroTurf. Oh, how I laughed!
Of course, if you do get fake grass you can take your lawn mower to the car boot and swap in for a Tesco bag of eighties Videos, or a kettle with no lid, a plastic baby potty with matching changing mat, or a bin bag of mismatched shoes and wellies.
One man wrote to me last week and was worried that his cucumber was wilting. It just needs more and regular water. But we will soon be out of Europe so there is no pressure on you to have a rigid straight specimen. Let it bend a little in the middle. We are free Britishers not law-bound to grow straight bananas or cucumbers. Why not send us all a photo. We won’t laugh, will we readers?
Jobs to do this week
* Prune the side shoots from your wandering Wisteria but leave the main branches to train up the wall or over your pergola.
* Use your hoe or a shovel to gather up soil (earthing up) over your spuds as if they turn green they will be poisonous. Do the same if they are in pots. They need to be kept in the dark, much like your old man with your credit card bills.
* Buy a kids’ paddling pool to stick your feet in while you knock back some Aspall’s Cyder with a bucket of KFC.
Now for the answers to your problems
* Theresa M from Thornham Magna: Well what a lot of jobs you have to do under pressure. Did you take my advice and put all the names of the people you don’t like in a hat, shake it about and pull the names out just give them any old job? If you employ so many on your estate, they’ll just have to learn on the job. What’s the worst that can happen?
* Mrs S Cameron: No, you cannot steal all the shrubs and garden furniture from the house they kicked you out of, nor can you roll up the lawn and crane out the mature trees. Ask your billionaire family to get you some brand new things from B & Q and Argos. They do a very pleasant nylon marquee.
* Mr Gove: Well I really don’t know why you’re asking ME what gardening job prospects there are for a short labourer. You could try picking fruit from low-lying bushes like gooseberries. Remember you don’t like EXPERTS and I am the expert supreme. So please don’t bother me again.
Smartphone sensation Pokemon Go has been banned from Norwich after gamers started throwing balls at locals who look like weird freaks.
The game, which has taken the world by storm, allows players to track down and catch monsters and strange-looking creatures in the “real world” using their smartphone camera.
But police in Norfolk have received many complaints of locals being attacked because they look just like Pokemon characters with extra limbs, strange shapes and fantastical habits.
Now Nintendo, the company whose shares have rocketed 50% since the game launched and instantly topped the download charts, has had to block participation in Norwich using in-built “geo-block” technology.
A spokesman said: “Following advice from Norfolk Police, we have withdrawn the game from Norwich because local people look so much like Pokemon characters including Charizard and Squirtly. The little duck has also caused issues in Norfolk because of its webbed feet.”
Bubba Spuckler repeatedly ‘caught’ by Pokemon Go players (Photo: Getty Images Europe)
Norwich man Bubba Spuckler complained to police that he had been assaulted 15 times in Norwich city centre in the last week alone. He told the Suffolk Gazette: “People on their phones are playing this Pokemon Go game and spotting me on the street. Assuming I am some sort of weird, deformed creature, they throw balls at me and try to catch me. It’s very upsetting.”
And another Norwich person, who asked not to be named, has also been captured 14 times while going out shopping to the local supermarket.
Pokemon Go banned: woman targeted by gamers
The woman said: “First they would point their phone at me, then say something like, ‘There’s Magmar’, and they throw stuff at me. It’s scary.”
A spokesman for Norfolk Police said: “We can confirm Nintendo has banned Pokemon Go in Norwich after several unfortunate incidents involving innocent locals.”
A Suffolk snail farm has been forced to close with the loss of four jobs, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.
Bosses at Halesworth-based Let’s Escargot blamed the collapse on business being so slow.
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Managing Director Frank O’Phyle, 48, said: “The snail business is much slower than we thought. I’d suggest if you want fast profits, shell out for fast food.”
He added that his remaining 400 snails, which he had been breeding for four years, were spared from the dinner plate and released into the wild last week. They had nearly reached the door already.
Norfolk mother-of-ten Edna Spratt has announced her intention to stand for the leadership of the Labour Party.
Speaking from her Dereham hovel, Ms Spratt, 44, claimed she was best placed to fight new Tory Prime Minister Theresa May – and to one day grab the keys to Downing Street.
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Ms Spratt, who lives with her brother and their ten children, said her humble upbringing as a Norfolk peasant makes her an ideal candidate on the world stage alongside other superwomen like Hillary Clinton, Angela Merkel and Mary Berry.
And she insists her conviction for stealing a chutney recipe should not stand against her, but rather illustrates she is “just a normal person trying to get by”.
She told the Suffolk Gazette: “I have been a member of the Labour Party all my working life. At least I would have been had I ever worked or indeed paid my subscription.
“But it is time for a strong woman to take control. If scruffy old Jeremy Corbyn can do it, then I certainly can.”
Power politics: Edna Spratt relaxing in her luxury Norfolk kitchen
Ms Spratt, who has never been to London before, intends to borrow a horse and cart to take her to the Big City so she can launch her Leadership election campaign.
Top of her policy list is a big increase in the aid budget for the Third World so that Norfolk can be connected to the national electricity grid.
A group of Suffolk schoolchildren won a prize to see the launch of the much-anticipated new Apple computer in London yesterday.
They were amazed to see the new device had no wires, could be dropped without shattering, and will NEVER need charging.
“It wouldn’t matter if there was a power cut. I can’t understand it! Trust Apple to invent something so clever,” said Lorraine Fisher, 34, a teacher at Stowmarket Middle School.
“We kept looking to see where the wires went but there aren’t any! And it actually prints as you type without having a separate printer to keep going wrong.”
The computer is called The Remington and is expected to take the market by storm with its £20 price tag.
Keys to success: Apple’s new computer will revolutionise the way we work
Student, Holly Brain, said: “We were flabbergasted when we touched a key and it appeared on the paper straight away. I broke my nail because the keys were harder to press than the ones on my iPad, and there was no search facility.
“But the fact that I would never have to fight my brother to use the charger is a big bonus. You can type out your homework and give it straight to the teacher without worrying whether the printer is working.”
The revolutionary Remington will make ink cartridges obsolete. Instead the ink is magically held into a little ribbon which is inserted into the computer for instant printing. It is completely mechanical, taking away the need for wires or batteries.
An Apple spokesman said: “We were delighted at the response of the children to the launch of The Remington. Once again we have shown how innovative our designers are with this climate-friendly device.”
He admitted The Remington might be a little noisier than other computers on the market, but stressed this simply “added to its charm”.
The Suffolk Gazette rode to the rescue of Labour leadership challenger Angela Eagle – by being the only mainstream newspaper to remain at her campaign launch press conference and ask questions.
She summoned the media at the worst possible time, just as Andrea Leadsom was announcing she was abandoning her bid for the Tory leadership, meaning Theresa May will be our Prime Minister.
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But while other newspapers rushed off to cover the Conservative bombshell, we remained with the Eagle camp purely because a cup of tea and a sandwich was on offer.
So when Eagle invited questions from the hacks, we were there to fill in for the BBC, ITV and everyone else, and prevent an embarrassing silence.
Representing the interests of our readers, we fired in three key questions:
– What would you put on your allotment rhubarb to prevent pests?
– What do you think of Ipswich Town’s chances of making the play-offs this coming season?
– What is your favourite colour?
We were about to ask a fourth crucial question about Adnams beer when we were told to “bugger off after all and join the other journalists”.
It’s no yolk: Sascha sent us this pic of her fried egg before eating it
