Take a look at the harvest on speed – gangnam style…
Suffolk farming on speed
Kim Jong-un buys Suffolk caravan
WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette staff
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has bought himself a holiday caravan on the Suffolk coast.
He fell in love with the area after joining a secret visit to the county to inspect the Sizewell nuclear power station.
But although he was unimpressed with the facility, believing his country’s coal power is more efficient, he fell in love instantly with the countryside and coast.
He ordered staff to find him an ideal holiday home where he could relax unnoticed away from prying eyes – and the caravan, just up the road from Sizewell, fitted the bill perfectly.
The 38-foot Horizon Cavalier static caravan is described as the perfect ‘starter’ home, coming with three bedrooms, family shower room, separate toilet, central heating and double glazing.
However, it’s the view over the North Sea which has apparently enchanted Kim Jong-un, who has already spent a week recently in his new holiday home.
The Suffolk Gazette knows where the caravan is, but has agreed not to reveal its exact location. But we have chosen to publish the view from his front window.
The leader, famous for looking after his hair, will be pleased to know nearby Leiston has a range of salons, including the Hair Shed, which will be able to keep his mop in top condition during his holidays.
He’ll also be able to enjoy superb takeaway curries from the Cinnamon in Leiston High Street, while a North Korean diplomatic insider confirmed a trip to the Adnams brewery just up the coast in Southwold is high on the leader’s wish list. He is also a huge fan of sea fishing.
The owners of the caravan park declined to talk publicly about their infamous new guest, but said in a statement: “We keep details of all our guests private. Our location is wonderful and the perfect spot for a young world leader who wants to relax and get away from it all.”
Local leisure businesses are now vying to attract Kim Jong-un, who would generate fantastic publicity. Thorpeness Golf Club has already made inquiries to the North Korean regime, pointing out that the Dear Leader would easily beat his father’s amazing record of having scored 11 holes in one on his very first game of golf.
EDIT: READ OUR SUBSEQUENT WORLD EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KIM JONG-UN HERE
Don’t be a mug
Buy a funny mug from Dirty Old Goat, the Suffolk Gazette’s potty pottery empire. Here are some current favourites…
UKIP football team relegated
By Onmee Head, Football Correspondent
A major football team has been relegated three weeks before the end-of-season showdown – because the side is totally imbalanced.
Fans of UKIP FC loved their team’s attacking style, but soon noticed each player was actually a right winger.
That left the UKIP outfit exposed throughout the middle of the park and down the left flank. And although they were able to score some spectacular goals, they were no good at the back.
Wags pointed out that early relegation was a blessing, because had they made the top four, UKIP FC would have refused to play in Europe next season anyway.
But opposition fans have not been as vocal about UKIP’s demise as many had expected, probably because with only weeks to go in the season, they have their own problems.
Labour FC have issues with their captain, who some say has failed to lead the team well enough. There are also rumours he stole his brother’s boots to prevent him from taking his place on the pitch (Editor’s note: This sotry was written when Ed Miliband led the Labour Party).
Even though Labour FC are still pushing for the title, many believe they will only make the play-offs where they are likely to meet Conservative FC.
If rivals Labour and Conservative are neck-and-neck after May 7, then an emergency transfer window opens in order for both sides to strengthen their squads.
That leaves teams like SNP FC and Green FC, together with a group of sides from Northern Ireland, and a weird team with an unpronouncable name from Wales, open to a variety of transfer bids.
Labour’s hopes of snatching key players from SNP FC have been dashed, because the outfit, led by a fearsome, tough-tackling woman, are shockingly bad at defence, believing there is no need for a deterrent at all. The SNP, known fondly by fans as “The Gingers”, also want permission to play in the Scottish League only.
That leaves Green FC, but commentators fear their players are too slow because they are always trying to conserve energy.
Meanwhile, the Suffolk Gazette can confirm that Liberal Democrat FC, who for so long bossed the middle of the park with a succession of creative midfielders, have gone out of existance. Any points they won this season have been distributed to the other clubs.
Stephen Fry joins Ipswich Town board
Exclusive
By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor
Television star Stephen Fry has sensationally joined the Ipswich Town Football Club board after admitting his much-publicised “love” for East Anglian rivals Norwich City was a sham.
Fry has long been associated with the Carrow Road club, but now says he has secretly supported Ipswich since he was a boy.
Now Fry has accepted Tractor Boys owner Marcus Evans’ offer to join the board as Director of Crowd Entertainment.
A friend said: “After getting married Stephen wanted to change a few things. He’s off social media for a few months, and he decided to use the opportunity of this break to admit he actually hates Norwich and is a secret regular at Portman Road.
“Even though he is always busy with TV and stage work, he considered it a great honour to be offered a role on the Ipswich Town board. It’s a dream come true for him.”
The club refused to comment, but an insider said: “We always knew he was a fan because there was a season ticket in his name since 1980, the period when Ipswich were the best team in Europe.
“We respected his privacy, but when we found out he was ready to admit he detested Norwich, yellow and green and Delia Smith, then we seized on the chance.
“It’s the sort of good business that has made Marcus Evans a multi-million-pound fortune.”
Portman Road
It is not yet clear exactly what duties the host of popular television show QI will perform, but it is understood he will be doing much of the on-pitch microphone work entertaining the huge Portman Road crowds before matches and at half-time.
Mr Ken Airy, a spokesman for Norwich City said: “We are urgently trying to contact Mr Fry to see if this is true. But we admit he would not be the first to realise supporting Ipswich is by far a more pleasurable experience.”
There is form at the top level for this – with Delia Smith famously being photographed wearing an Ipswich rosette on the day of the 1978 FA Cup final, when Ipswich won one of its three major trophies.
20mph limit for entire A12
A 20mph maximum speed limit is to be imposed along the whole length of the A12 in a bid to improve journey times, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.
Experts say average travelling times along the A12 – which is Britain’s most often-repaired dual carriageway – will actually be shorter if a compulsory limit of 20mph is imposed from Romford all the way to Lowestoft on the Suffolk coast.
Professor Ron Jeremy, who has enjoyed many positions before joining the Suffolk Highways Institute of Transportation, said: “We have carefully calculated that with more than 47 miles of 40mph average speed limits on the A12, traffic backs up continuously and causes stationary tailbacks for no apparent reason.
A12 traffic
“This is especially true in the parts of the A12 which are in Essex where bloody drivers prefer to hang out of each other’s boot lids in the outside lane rather than keep a sensible distance from the car in front.”
Prof Jeremy added that SHIT’s research also concluded the contractors for the highway authority, London-based company Pish O’Takers Ltd, were usually unable to complete whatever work schedule had been made up that week because they had only three qualified staff and one spade to manage nearly 90 miles of major trunk road.
“As anyone who has travelled the A12 will tell you,” added Prof Jeremy, “There are miles and miles of red and white plastic cones, abandoned plant and vehicles and no-one to been seen working day or night, weekend or weekday.”
Traffic on the A12 at a standstill
The limit will come into force over a 17-week period over the summer, just as everyone is trying to drive away quickly to their holidays.
That’s bananas! Suffolk’s exotic fruit plantation
By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)
A secret plantation of bananas has been grown in Suffolk to test if global warming is changing the county’s farming habits forever.
Farmers believe temperatures have risen sufficiently in East Anglia for the tasty fruit to thrive in Suffolk’s rich soil.
Now the successful trial could see large swathe’s of the countryside being transformed into a sea of green banana trees with their bunches of dangling yellow fruit.
It will mean a guaranteed future for many farms struggling to cope with competition from abroad – especially dairy farmers who are currently losing money thanks to the leading supermarkets driving prices down.
And it will be good news for Suffolk’s consumers, who will be able to pay much less than the normal 70 pence or so per kilo, because the fruit does not have to travel half way around the world before arriving at the supermarket shelves.
The secret banana plantation, somewhere near Stowmarket
Project director and farmer Mike Straw explained global warming had reached levels to enable the experiment to go ahead.
“Bananas need an average temperature of 80 degrees and adequate rainfall in which to thrive. Thanks to global warming, we now enjoy those conditions in central Suffolk.
“It cost £10,000 to import the plants – bananas are really grown on plants, not trees, although they can grow up to five metres tall. I spent two months in west Africa learning the business and felt the time was ripe.
“It was a gamble, but the plantation grew quickly and we have just enjoyed our first harvest of lovely, juicy bananas.”
He said the first two-ton crop was given away to local schools and hospitals without anyone knowing they had been grown locally.
“We wanted to keep the planation secret so we had a head start on the competition,” explained Mr Straw, who also runs a 500-acre arable farm growing mainly wheat and potatos. “But now we’ve shown it can be done, we’re about to go public.
“Britain will go bananas for British bananas.”
And Mr Straw believes banana plantations is just the start, with pineapple and mangos also being trialled on his farm from next year.
But the Green Party warned global warming was nothing to be celebrated. Suffolk spokesperson Jasmine Golding fumed: “We must do all we can to stop global warming.
“It might mean lovely local bananas, something to be celebrated by farmers and consumers alike, but it will also mean sea levels continue to rise – and before long Suffolk will be wiped off the map anyway, so what’s the point?”
Bananas are normally grown in tropical regions of Asia, Africa and across to the Caribbean and Central and South America.
A spokesman for the National Farmers’ Union said: “We back anything that diversifies the produce grown by our members. We know these bananas will be going public soon.
“So keep your eyes peeled.”
Nazi veteran Hans Up gets TV survival show
Exclusive
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor
Hans Up, the German World War Two veteran found living in a Suffolk forest last month, is to get his own survival-style television show.
The 90-year-old former Nazi soldier was shot down over the Suffolk coast in 1944 – and had been hiding out in Rendlesham Forest ever since.
But as our exclusive German WW2 soldier found living in forest story revealed, he was eventually found asleep in a hammock by a group of local primary school children.
Hans Up’s amazing survival skills and ability to remain hidden sparked a huge bidding war from TV, film and book publishing moguls.
Now the Suffolk Gazette can reveal he has signed up for an eight-part television series spanning all he learned during 70 years of seclusion.
Bear Grylls
The deal, which will make him more popular than Bear Grylls, will earn Hans Up £4 million. The sum is believed to be the same as the German army pay he has missed out on since he went into hiding, still believing the war was on.
It is understood a book deal will follow, while Hollywood’s biggest studios are also keen on snapping up his story.
The TV show will begin filming this summer, once Hans Up has finished recuperating in the German Embassy in London, and got used to all the modern gadgets like computers that he is seeing for the first time.
Episodes in the series, to be aired on BBC 1, will concentrate on catching and cooking wildlife, making secret dens, avoiding angry Suffolk farmers, sleeping in trees, and keeping German army boots polished in all conditions.
A spokesman for Nice Activity Zoom International films, said: “We are delighted to have signed Hans Up, er, up. He is still in great condition despite his age, and his story is inspirational.
“Everyone wants to know how he stayed alive and hidden for so long in a Suffolk forest. His survival story also has the potential to save lives – you never know when you might get lost in a forest.”
The NAZI spokesman would not confirm the fee payable to Mr Up, but the Suffolk Gazette understands it is at least £4 million.
Hans Up’s story gripped the world when we revealed his discovery last month.
Amazingly, some readers claimed the Suffolk Gazette had in some way made up the story, or at least put a little too much spin on it.
But our Editor insisted today: “Every bit of it was true. Some questioned why the picture taken of Hans Up when he was caught was in black and white. Well we proved the local kids who found him put a cool filter on their shot to make it more moody.
“Other people said Hans could not have ejected from the bomber when it was shot down, because the ejector seat had not been invented in 1944. But our research found Hans and the rest of the crew were trialing a forerunner of the ejector seat, which had been developed personally by Adolf Hitler.
“Lastly, others claimed it was ridiculous Hans was in a German soldier uniform, when we had stated he was in a Luftwaffe bomber. But Hans himself has confirmed to us that the uniform change was intended to confuse the enemy should he be caught – and it clearly worked.”
Hans Up gives himself up to Melton school children last month
Eagle with bad attitude and bears spotted at Minsmere
By Robin Crow, Wildlife Correspondent
Extraordinary sightings of a large eagle and two bears at a Suffolk wildlife reserve have got birdwatchers and nature lovers in a frenzy of excitement.
The eagle, said to have “mahoosive wings and a bad attitude”, and the two bears were spotted at Minsmere, the world-famous habitat that features on the BBC’s popular Springwatch programme.
At first rumours of the rare visitors were scoffed at. But then wardens noticed the sightings were being chalked up repeatedly on ‘What’s About’ noticeboards used by enthusiasts to pass on information about which creatures they have seen.
One birdwatcher had even helpfully drawn a picture of the eagle, albeit with a strange long beak, on the board alongside normal entries like snipe, geese and coots.
“Then I was amazed to spot the two bears playing about in the long grass. It was a lovely moment, and one I am unlikely to witness again.”
Paddington Bear
Experts say it is likely the Bald Eagle, so called because it has no feathers on its head, was swept off course by the wind from its normal habitat in Birmingham. It is not to be confused with a Bald Eagle Shaver.
But they are more baffled by the playful bears taking up residence on the Suffolk coast.
Bear expert Michael Bond told the Suffolk Gazette: “Sadly this may be an unfortunate result of the Paddington Bear film that was released last year.
“Many kids demanded their own bear for Christmas, and even though we always say a bear is for life, not just for Christmas, some of the poor things got dumped before January was over.
“This pair appear to be doing a good job of looking after themselves in the wild. But you must remember they are more used to feasting on marmalade sandwiches rather than catching shrews and fish.”
A spokesman for the RSPB, which runs the Minsmere site close to Dunwich, said: “We’ll be trying to catch the bears and find them a good home.
“As for the eagle with the mahoosive wings, we expect it to stick around for a while. But once it gets warmer it will likely head back to Birmingham.”
Facebook it: