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Old lady is victim of ‘balance’ prank

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By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

Police are hunting a man who pushed an old lady over at a cashpoint after she asked him to check her balance.

Dot Bannatyre, 77, was trying out her new debit card at a machine in Ipswich town centre for the first time but was struggling with the instructions.

She told cops: “I wanted to know if my pension had been paid in because I fancied treating myself to lunch in Mannings.

“But I had no idea how to do it at a cashpoint, so I asked this young man who was passing by if he could check my balance.

“Imagine my surprise when he tipped me over gently, saying, ‘It’s not very good, love’.

“I was shocked but completely unhurt. A nice young policemen saw me wiping down my stockings and asked if I was all right.”

Ipswich police are appealing for witnesses and say they want to speak with a man aged in his early teens, dressed in blue jeans and a Norwich City football shirt.

“It might sound funny, but Dot was lucky she was not hurt,” an officer told the Suffolk Gazette.

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The Suffolk Gazette New Year Quiz

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We all love Suffolk, but just how much do you know about the county?

Take the Suffolk Gazette New Year Quiz to find out now. There are 20 questions to test your knowledge.

Please remember to share your result on Facebook or Twitter using the buttons below the quiz!

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Fans view of Ipswich injury-time winner at Watford

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This is so self-indulgent, and not in the least bit funny. But it was possibly one of the best Suffolk sporting moments of the year, when Ipswich scored an injury-time winner away at Watford.

Filmed by a supporter, the sheer outburst of passion on the terraces is a joy to behold, even if you don’t like Ipswich – or don’t even follow football!

Listen out for “Go on Freddie, go on son… Go on Chaplow….” GOAL!

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Norfolk Nostradamus predicts 2016 events

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Norfolk Nostradamus

World Exclusive
By The Editor

The Norfolk Nostradamus, Babs Vanga-Spratt, whose prophecies have captivated the world for decades because they always come true, has granted an exclusive sitting with the Suffolk Gazette to predict what lies ahead in 2016.

Miss Vanga-Spratt, 87, who got her famous powers after losing her sight when she was a young girl, met with The Editor for 30 minutes at her sparsely-furnished cottage in North Walsham – and made some extraordinary predictions for the next 12 months.

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The most sensational claim was that Norwich City would be relegated from the Premier League in May, passing Ipswich Town in the other direction after their promotion via the play-offs.

Miss Vanga-Spratt, whose second cousin Edna Spratt from Dereham is known to Suffolk Gazette readers, went deathly quiet when she said Norwich’s fall from grace was written in the stars after ex-shadow chancellor Ed Balls joined as club chairman this week.

She said Suffolk businesses would enjoy a bumper year, with Adnams, the Southwold brewery, recording record sales, while coastal estate agents would continue to profit wildly from rich Londoners snapping up second homes, forcing locals to live in tents.

Perhaps her most astute prediction was about major weather events, which is not surprising given she lost her sight during a freak tornado that struck North Walsham in 1931, when dirt and grit clogged her eyes and closed them for ever.

As the Suffolk Gazette Editor sipped dandelion tea and noted every word, Miss Vanga-Spratt said: “It will get warmer in spring, then get hotter in the summer before cooling down in Autumn and getting chilly in the winter.”

But one prophecy forced The Editor to choke on his tea – Miss Vanga-Spratt insisted that in June, a Greater Anglia train from Norwich to London, via Ipswich, would run on time.

“Mark my words,” she whispered. “It will be the most momentous feat of modern transportation: the first Greater Anglia train to run without delays, perhaps even to run at all.”

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At this point The Editor began to think Miss Vanga-Spratt, who bears an uncanny resemblance to internationally-famous blind Bulgarian mystic Baba Vanga, had lost her marbles. But her last prophecy before she fell asleep, exhausted by calling upon her powers, made him sit up and take notice.

“The Suffolk Gazette will continue grow its readership massively in 2016,” she cooed. “And many of those readers will be delighted to buy The Editor a Beer.”

Cheers, and Happy New Year!

It’s the Irish Olympics

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Before anyone complains, we’re quite aware that ‘Irish jokes’ are a bit old hat. However, you’ll forgive us for running this classic clip from the legend that is Spike Milligan.

You couldn’t get away with things like the Irish Olympics on TV these days!

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Suffolk Gazette Awards 2015

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Today we can reveal the winners of the most prestigious awards of 2015 – the sought-after Suffolk Gazette Awards.

The sparkling trophies were launched to recognise the best contributions to this newspaper during the course of the year, and also because we never win any of our own.

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No expense spared: The Suffolk Gazette Awards

Most Gullible Comment Writer of the Year – Jason
This was a tough one because so many got confused between fact and fiction. When we revealed a German WW2 soldier had been found alive hiding in a Suffolk forest, the comment section filled up with people thinking they were alone in exposing the spoof.

Tom wrote: “He should be wearing a Luftwaffe uniform and definitely not a helmet but a flight cap/ headgear. And the possibility that a man could live in a foreign ‘enemy’ woodland that long without A) surrendering, or B) realising the war was over is almost certainly improbable. As someone also mentioned it would be on national television with a story so important to history as this. I’m sorry but it’s just not probable.”

And when we reported that a killer Great White Shark was stalking the River Deben, one or two, like reader ‘J’, got cross: “This has to be a hoax, and get more evidence than just using a google image.”

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Spotted: A Russian submarine off Felixstowe

But the hands-down winner was Jason, who took great offence to our brilliant exclusive about the Russians sending a submarine to spy on Felixstowe. He wrote to us in quite a strop: “There is no such type of submarine as an Austin Maestro.

“Akula class, Borie or Yansen class are all active but you have fabricated this story. It seems odd that there are islands in the background (of the photo) and the ship is German. The perspective on the sub is too low to have been taken two miles away.”

And he went on (and on): “None of the Russian active subs have this conning tower configuration, not to mention to enter our waters would be an act of war. Oh, and you have plagiarised your photo which comes from airbus website for defence. So I hope you get the sack because any reverse image software will bring up this photo on many web pages. Best check your sources in the future. Oh and the sub is a u209 of the Columbian and German navies not a ballistic missile sub.”

His comment was so detailed and well researched that it warranted a reply from the Suffolk Gazette Editor…

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Simple explanation: The Editor, who was not sacked, fires back at Jason

Most Gullible Foreign Media Organisation of the Year – POWNED!, Netherlands

Suffolk Gazette stories routinely get picked up by other so-called ‘proper’ media organisations and republished as fact. Rupert Murdoch’s news outlets in Australia are particular culprits, as is the Down Under version of the Guardian.

But one foreign news organisation has been exposed twice. Step forward POWNED!, a Dutch news website which was first caught out by running our story about a Suffolk boy stealing a penguin from a zoo. More recently it ran our story about the old lady getting stuck in a public loo for four days, where she settled down to knit a scarf, a “story” which also made the UPI international news wires.

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You knits: Suffolk Gazette catches out foreign media

Most Gullible Domestic Media Organisation of the Year – Farm Business magazine

The old lady in the lav story caught most of the British media out as well, with the Mirror, Daily Express, Age UK (which is old enough to know better) – and even ITV News catching a cold. Hats off to The Sun, which initially believed the story but at least checked its facts first because it rang a local correspondent asking him to track down Gladys Phillips, the elderly toilet victim.

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Daily Express: wool pulled over its eyes

But the winner, for publishing a ridiculous story without checking any facts at all, was the prestigious Farm Business magazine. Worse still, it was in its print edition, so it couldn’t exactly remove it very easily (like the Daily Star did after making the same mistake on its website). The story in question? It was the Suffolk Gazette’s brilliant Suffolk man has sex with 450 tractors exclusive

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Cereal offender: Farm Business got caught out

Bah, Humbug! Reader Award – Mick Smith

We’re fine with people getting fed up with us – if everyone loved the Suffolk Gazette, the Editor would be a millionaire.

However, one negative comment on our Suffolk Gazette Facebook page particularly tickled our fancy, given that the writer, Mick Smith, took time out from his busy Christmas Eve schedule to send us his good wishes…

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Bah, Humbug!: Festive cheer from Mick

Most Forgiving People of 2015 Award – Everyone in Norfolk

You’d think the people of Norfolk would hate the Suffolk Gazette – after all, so many stories poke fun at our six-fingered, webbed-feet, terrible football team neighbours.

But the county has shown a quite remarkable sense of humour by actually taking the Suffolk Gazette to heart. We have loads of readers from Norfolk, and many of them contribute positively to our vibrant Facebook page community.

We salute you, Norfolk. But only today. Normal service will resume shortly.

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Stick it up Uranus: Norfolk’s NASA probe

Best Pub of The Year Award – The Greyhound

By presenting this award to our official corporate headquarters, we’re secretly hoping the Greyhound in Ipswich finally gets round to placing an advert in the Suffolk Gazette.

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Cheers: Suffolk Gazette’s Corporate HQ

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Delia Smith to pay Ed Balls in pies

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EXCLUSIVE
By Manik Bin Mann
Football Reporter

Norwich City owner Delia Smith managed to persuade former shadow chancellor Ed Balls to join as her new club chairman – by agreeing to pay him in pies.

Chubby Balls insisted he got his hands on as many of Delia’s famous pies as he wanted in return for his apparent expertise in running an ailing football club.

Balls up: rotund Ed tucks into a pie with dishy Delia

The former Morley & Outwood MP, who embarrassingly lost his seat at the last election, has suffered a lifelong affliction of being a Norwich City fan.

Ever since his father first took him to the Carrow Road terraces in 1973, he has always regretted not supporting Norwich’s larger and more successful East Anglian rivals, Ipswich Town.

A friend of Balls said: “Ed wanted to be a Tractor Boy but got bullied into supporting Norwich. He’s had to stick with it because a politician can’t be seen to do a u-turn.

“To his surprise Delia Smith and the Norwich board asked him to join as chairman, a position he has been able to accept because he is doing nothing else of any note since being booted out of politics.

“The position is unpaid, but Ed likes his food, and demanded his package included unlimited pies.

“Delia was only too happy to agree to this, although she may regret it when Ed keeps billing her for ever larger club suits.”

A Norwich insider insisted Balls was the right man for the job. “He’s been very successful in everything he has done and, er, well, you know, we have Stephen Fry on the board too. So it’s all quite comical.”

Norwich are currently in a hilarious position in the Premier League, plummeting towards relegation.

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Happy Christmas to our 600,000 readers

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By The Editor

At this special time of year, I’d like to personally wish all of you wonderful readers a very happy Christmas. I hope it’s everything you and your families wished for.

For my part I continue to be amazed by the support you have given the Suffolk Gazette. Since I launched it as a one-man hobby website ten months ago, with the aim of having a bit of fun while trying to be creative, the readership has grown beyond belief.

Just last week the site got its one millionth page view. Over 600,000 people have read the Suffolk Gazette. Our Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community is growing rapidly, currently standing at 6,700.

Those figures will never fail to amaze me; it just goes to show everyone loves a bit of a laugh and a good yarn. As the Suffolk Gazette motto says: You couldn’t make it up!

And so I’ll raise a glass to you this Christmas (and thanks to the many of you who took advantage of our Buy Us A Beer donation page to, er, buy me a beer), and leave you with this heartwarming Suffolk seasonal scene…

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Traditional scene: the Ipswich nativity (photo courtesy Spotted in Suffolk Again Part II)

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