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Man in pub wins Greater Anglia rail franchise

The Editor
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Man in pub wins Greater Anglia rail franchise

By Casey Jones
Railway Correspondent

A man in the pub has been awarded the East Anglian rail franchise currently run by Greater Anglia, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The Department for Transport confirmed that Greater Anglia had given customers such a rough ride on the network that handing the contract to a bloke down the boozer was likely to lead to a better service.

The lucky recipient was Ricky Fry, 52, of Yaxley, near Diss, who will take over operations for the London to Norwich mainline and all branch services in Suffolk, Norfolk, Essex, Cambridgeshire and parts of Hertfordshire.

greater-anglia-train
This is the age of the train: 94 years old

Mr Fry has many years’ experience of commuting between Diss and London Liverpool Street, an activity he said is best carried out less than sober because of the terrible state of the trains and questionable timekeeping.

He was selected when DfT bosses randomly picked him out from the rail travelers waiting to be served at the Hamilton Hall bar in Liverpool Street station.

Speaking from a seat by the window, he told the Suffolk Gazette: “I have a swifty or two before catching the 06:53 morning service into London, because that makes the journey more bearable. I don’t remember much about the journeys home, to be honest.”

Asked about what changes Suffolk’s long-suffering commuters could expect, Mr Fry, who worked previously in pensions auditing in the City, said he would get the trains running on time and supply free gin and beer for all season ticket holders.

“Customers from Norwich will face higher fares to pay for the Suffolk commuters’ gin and Adnams,” he explained.

An Abellio Greater Anglia insider said: “The DfT actually thinks that someone they found in a pub can do a better job than us? We have excelled recently at not being able to organise anything, and frankly it’s a bit unfair when one of our trains only arrived 14 minutes late the other day. What do these people want – seats?”

A spokesman from the DfT confirmed the decision to hand the rail franchise to a man they found in the pub. But he denied suggestions that the running of Network Rail could be handed over instantly to a cabal of drinkers.

“If the bloke from the pub does okay with the rail franchise, we might consider allowing a group of pub customers to take over the running of Network Rail, which sadly is currently known as Notwork Rail.”

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NHL ice hockey franchise for Stowmarket

The Editor
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7
NHL ice hockey franchise for Stowmarket

Exclusive
By Chuck Allard

The North American National Hockey League has revealed extraordinary plans to allow a new hockey franchise team to join from Britain.

And the Suffolk Gazette can exclusively reveal the new team is being proposed for Stowmarket.

The franchise, to be called the Stow Meerkats, will be based at a new arena to be built on the Morrisons site when the supermarket closes later this year.

It is believed that Stowmarket was chosen because of widespread local disappointment that SnOasis, the indoor sporting wonderland planned for nearby Great Blakenham, has so far failed to move forward.

Mid Suffolk District Council, despite initial concerns about traffic and “loud hollering and whooping”, are expected to rubber stamp the plans for a change of use to the site and the new 8,000-seat arena.

Coming to Stowmarket: Toronto Maple Leafs take on the Winnipeg Jets

Stow Meerkats spokesman, local businessman Carter Tremblay said negotiations with the National Hockey League, which traditionally only accepts teams from the United States and Canada, had been swift and surprisingly simple.

“They saw the merit of extending the NHL into Europe, and Stowmarket, despite not being known as a go-ahead town, ticked all the boxes.

“We realise that ice hockey is currently not very popular in Suffolk, but we will invest in a very expensive public relations exercise and have excellent discounts on season tickets and merchandise for the first season.

“We’d also love for the team to have locals playing in it, so we aim to have a series of trials for people to come and have a go.

“This is an extraordinary chance to put Stowmarket on the map. If the hockey franchise is the success we expect it to be, then you can bet that tens of thousands of tourists from the US and Canada will come and visit.

“We really are very excited by the prospect of playing teams like the Vancouver Canucks and Chicago Blackhawks.”

An NHL insider said: “The Stow Meerkats has assured us Stowmarket is one of the biggest cities in the UK, and the locals are passionate about the sport. We are delighted to be working with them and extending the NHL across the pond into Europe.”

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Mr Cholmondley-Warner learns about the working class

The Editor
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0
Mr Cholmondley-Warner learns about the working class

Harry Enfield’s excellent creation Mr Cholmondley-Warner (played here by Jon Glover) – wants to know more about the working class. Thankfully his sidekick Greyson (played by Enfield) has been to the East End of London recently and can reveal all.

The Cholmondley-Warner sketches have become must-see videos for older and young viewers alike.

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Church bell-ringer sacked for playing Star Wars theme

The Editor
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Church bell-ringer sacked for playing Star Wars theme

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

A bell-ringer was sensationally sacked after ringing out the Star Wars theme from his village church just before a service.

Steven Jacobs, 27, and a pal played the Imperial March from the bell tower at St Gregory’s Church in Bildeston on Tuesday – but locals failed to see the funny side when the imposing tune rang across the village, and complained to the vicar.

The Rev Evan Elpuss, although a Star Wars fan himself, was furious because churchgoers were due to arrive at any moment.

Mr Jacobs, who has seen the latest Star Wars movie, The Force Awakens, 13 times already, said: “We thought we’d do it for a laugh before everyone turned up. It sounded awesome – the lunchtime drinkers in the nearby Crown pub said they loved it – but the next thing I know I’ve been sacked.

“I’ve been part of the bell-ringing group at Bildeston for 15 years, and am very upset. The church has gone completely over the top.”

Ding dong: Bell-ringers at St Gregory’s Church in Bildeston

The Imperial March, composed by John Williams, is more associated with the first Star Wars trilogy and is the theme used to accompany Darth Vader and his evil dark side associates.

Mr Jacobs, who works as a carpenter in nearby Hitcham, said that dark side links may have been why the vicar sacked him.

But a source close to the church told the Suffolk Gazette Mr Jacobs had “deliberately distorted events”.

“We appreciate that Steven is a bit of a joker,” he said. “But there comes a point when you have to draw a line.

“The Darth Vader’s Imperial March is not an appropriate rallying call for a funeral, and Steven knows it. He might think the family didn’t notice but believe me they did – we all did. The bells could be heard for miles around.”

How Sky News became latest Suffolk Gazette victim

The Editor
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How Sky News became latest Suffolk Gazette victim

By The Editor

The Suffolk Gazette does not deliberately go out to deceive the mainstream media. I very clearly state this is a spoof and satire site using a local paper format to write funny stories from Suffolk, and particularly its “friendly” rivalry with Norfolk.

Of course, some new visitors think it’s entirely serious and get taken in – that’s part of the fun for our existing community, which is growing on our Facebook page alarmingly quickly. When those people realise they’ve been had, they mostly see the funny side, and in many cases become regular readers.

However, a curious and laughable by-product of all this is that the mainstream media, so often po-faced about journalism and how only their voices matter, get sucked in and report Suffolk Gazette “news” as fact. I’ve told you many times about how national newspapers, magazines, serious websites, and international publications have all fallen victim to the Suffolk Gazette.

Yesterday, it went to a whole new level when star presenter Eamonn Holmes read out an old Suffolk Gazette story as part of the “Breaking News” coverage on Sky News in the hour following revelations about David Bowie’s death.

https://www.facebook.com/suffolkgazette/videos/752331584909412/

The passing of a legend is no laughing matter, of course, but Sky News picking up our Spice Oddity story about Bowie serenading a group of diners in a Suffolk curry house, which was published well before he died, takes the biscuit. Especially as we had added a note to the top of the story after Bowie passed, making clear his appearance in the Taj Maharaja in Bungay, which does not even exist, was a spoof.

I’m not poking fun at Eamonn here – he has a very difficult job when a major breaking story occurs like this, and can only repeat what is being fed to him in his earpiece by someone in the news gallery.

I happened to be watching Sky News when this happened, and I nearly choked on my breakfast corn flakes. Thankfully everyone has seen the funny side, although maybe not Eamonn, who probably wishes painful things on Suffolk Gazette staff.

But that means me. Because even though “we” might look like a well-oiled machine (and I don’t mean well-oiled as in drunk, although I am always asking you to Buy Me a Beer) this is just a hobby site, written and maintained by me alone in my spare time. This is not The Daily Mash or NewsThump, with teams of freelance writers and editors.

And that’s what I find so amusing – a hobby blog updated in spare moments to feed my creative desires gets picked up by mainstream media so often, or goes viral on social media, that it is becoming part of our lexicon. I’m now regularly seeing comments on social media like: “This is like something from the Suffolk Gazette”, or “The Suffolk Gazette should follow-up on this”.

It’s all highly entertaining, to be honest. I hope you’re enjoying it as much as me!

David Bowie stars in spice oddity

The Editor
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David Bowie stars in spice oddity

EXCLUSIVE
Rock legend David Bowie gave curry house diners a treat with an impromptu performance, the Suffolk Gazette understands.

Bowie, who is 69 years old today, was enjoying a spicy dish in the Taj Maharaja in Bungay, Suffolk on Wednesday when he thought he’d give other customers a night they’d never forget.

As locals tucked into papadums, curries, bhajis and other Indian delights, the star suddenly stood up to sing The Jean Genie while astonished staff stood open-mouthed.

Despite loud pleas for an encore, he then sat down again and resumed his meal as the customers clapped and cheered.

One diner, Lorraine Fisher, 34, admitted: “My husband and I couldn’t believe it. We were enjoying a madras and suddenly David Bowie stood up and started singing.

“We hadn’t even noticed he was there before – but he was very good and signed everyone’s paper napkins before he left.”

It is believed Mr Bowie was staying in Suffolk during a New Year holiday with his glamorous wife Iman when he decided to visit the curry house, which has rave reviews on TripAdvisor.

A pal said: “David enjoys his grub, and he still loves performing, even to smaller audiences than he’s used to. He has a wicked sense of fun, so this news is not surprising.”

Restaurant owner Shaz Miah said: “We don’t like talking about our famous guests, but we are grateful to Mr Bowie for being here and singing so well.”

Editor’s note: By unfortunate coincidence, this story was originally published a week before news broke of David Bowie’s death. In an astonishing twist, Sky News read out this curry story live on air, without checking it, as part of its breaking news coverage!

Fungus the Bogeyman is from Norfolk

The Editor
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0
Fungus the Bogeyman is from Norfolk

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Fungus the Bogeyman was inspired by the gruesome characteristics and filthy manners of men from Norfolk, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The much-loved children’s story, which features an ugly creature with a weird-shaped head, big ears and terrible teeth, is now starring in a hit television series.

But how the green monster, which farts regularly and dribbles snot, came to be created by British artist Raymond Briggs has remained a mystery… until now.

Fungus-The-Bogeyman-norfolk
Fungus the Bogeyman as he appears on the Sky TV series

We can reveal that Mr Briggs’ 1970s book came about soon after he took a boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads and got to see some of the locals close-up.

A pal claimed: “The men in Norfolk are sort of freakish-looking and they pass wind endlessly. Mr Briggs created Fungus the Bogeyman soon after his trip to Norfolk, and we believe the men he met there were the inspiration.

“He has never admitted as much, but then again who would want to admit going to Norfolk in the first place?”

Mr Briggs also famously created The Snowman story about a snowman who flies through the air accompanied by pre-pubescent Welsh crooner, Aled Jones. It is not thought the Snowman was based on Norfolk, even though Norfolk men have noses like carrots.

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Churchill ordered pantomime cows to spy on Nazis

The Editor
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0
Churchill ordered pantomime cows to spy on Nazis

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Winston Churchill wanted soldiers to dress up as pantomime cows in order to spy on German soldiers if the Nazis invaded Britain, newly-released wartime cabinet papers reveal.

He asked intelligence officers to draw up plans which would allow British soldiers to hide in fields “behind enemy lines” across East Anglia.

And one of their recommendations was seized upon by Churchill, who ordered 2,000 panto cow costumes to be made at a clothing factory near Lavenham in Suffolk.

Teams of two soldiers were trained to stand in fields all along the Suffolk and Norfolk coastal areas, where Germany was expected to launch its land invasion during World War Two.

They had to learn to wander about slowly, pretending to eat grass while using binoculars and a camera poking out of the udders.

churchill-pantomime-cow

But the grand project was scrapped after three of the pantomime cow crews were chased and mounted by randy bulls – two near Orford in Suffolk, and one at Hopton, Norfolk.

The training also sparked bust-ups between soldiers, with none of them wanting to be the back-end of the cow.

One memo in the papers, written by a sergeant major in the Suffolk Regiment, states tersely: “No man wishes his head to be in close proximity to another’s rear end for a period of hours. Especially in the hot summer months.”

The farcical anti-Nazi spy plans were revealed as part of a batch of wartime files released on January 2 by the National Archives.

Papers show the difficulties encountered with the training, particularly the problem of sex-mad bulls, forced Churchill to scrap the programme just nine months into the war.

Instead, local regiments were urged to recruit vicars and elderly ladies to act as spies because invading German forces would never suspect them.

The story is the biggest war-related scoop uncovered by the Suffolk Gazette since a German soldier was found alive and well hiding in a Suffolk forest last year.

Suffolk historian Colin Farrahar told the Suffolk Gazette: “Using pantomime cows to spy on the Germans sounds farcical now, and the records do not make clear if Mr Churchill was entirely serious with the plan.

“But serious or not, the costumes were made as directed because I have seen the inventory record from the factory at Lavenham. What is not clear, however, is if any of the soldiers were seriously hurt by the bulls. I have looked through various regimental diaries and found no mention of these incidents – but I suppose they were meant to be top secret.”

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