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Cup exit lets Norwich focus on relegation

The Editor
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Cup exit lets Norwich focus on relegation

Exclusive
By Manik Bin Mann
Football Reporter

Norwich insist they can now concentrate on getting relegated after crashing out of the League Cup.

The Canaries lost on penalties at Everton to dismiss fears a cup run would be a distraction from their goal of dropping back to the Championship.

Alex Neil’s team is currently on a brilliant winless Premier League run going back to the start of September.

But the players gave fans an early Halloween fright by taking Everton to extra time.

The Norfolk side then held out for 30 minutes and heart-stopping penalties before missing from the spot to ensure the right result.

A club insider said: ‘We can now concentrate on our relegation campaign, which is going so well.

“A run in the League Cup would turn the players and fans’ heads. Now is the time to stick together and concentrate on our main aim.”

Norwich owner Delia Smith wants a quick return to the Championship so they can have a realistic chance of winning football matches again.

But hopes of being able to face East Anglian rivals Ipswich are looking bleak because the troubled Tractor Boys are appear to be heading for League One.

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James Bond film Trectre premiers in Suffolk

The Editor
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James Bond film Trectre premiers in Suffolk

By Arthur Pint
Entertainment Editor

The world premier of the new James Bond film Trectre will be screened tonight in a lavish event at a Wickham Market cinema.

Fans and the world’s media will flock to the rural Suffolk town to see stars including Daniel Craig and his beautiful screen love interest, an older red tractor.

Trectre James Bond
The Trectre film posters erected around Suffolk

The plot of the high-budget new Bond release has been kept a closely guarded secret.

But studio insiders have told the Suffolk Gazette it involves an evil crime lord who is intent on holding the world to ransom by destroying root vegetable crops across East Anglia.

“This the best Bond movie yet,” he said. “It is packed full of thrilling scenes, including a sensational chase sequence in which Bond takes out three cars and a helicopter using nothing more than his 1960s vintage Massey Ferguson tractor.

James Bond Trectre

“Daniel Craig plays tractor-driving Bond brilliantly. He shows more of his raw emotional character which we first saw in Skyfall.”

The Glitzy Ritz cinema in Wickham Market High Street was thrilled to be chosen for the Trectre premier.

Manager Ron Blofeld said: “It’s going to be a fantastic evening which will put Wickham Market on the map. The locals are really looking forward to it, and hope Mr Craig enjoys his time here.”

Many of the Trectre scenes were filmed on location in rural north Suffolk, and tourist bosses expect an influx of curious visitors to the region as a result.

(Hat tip to CSI Plumbridge)

Tree gets stuck up cat

The Editor
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Tree gets stuck up cat

EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette staff

A Suffolk couple had to call a vet to save a tree that got stuck up their cat.

Dan and Jamie Grey, from Witnesham, made the unusual call after their pet cat Alan sat on top of a miniature bonsai tree.

The couple called the vet when it became clear that the tree was lodged in a rather unfortunate part of Alan’s anatomy.

“We bought a few pot plants to brighten the house up,” explained Dan, who works for BT.

“I put the miniature bonsai on the windowsill. I knew Alan liked sitting there but I thought he’d get the hint and move on. Instead he just sat right on top of it.”

Jamie added: “We thought Alan would just shake the tree off somehow. But it didn’t happen. That bonsai was well and truly stuck. Alan was dragging it around the garden with him.

“It was devastating for him. Alan used to be such a confident cat. But it’s difficult to be confident when you’ve got a miniature bonsai tree stuck where the sun doesn’t shine.”

tree stuck up cat
Wood you believe it: Alan had embarrassing encounter with tree

After waiting six days for the tree to become dislodged, the couple decided that it was time to act.

“First we tried a tree surgeon,” said Dan. “But apparently removing trees from a cat’s backside isn’t the kind of surgery they do.”

Alan was treated by local vet Jessica Gowers. “In all my time as a veterinarian, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Jessica, who qualified as a vet two months ago. “Fortunately we were able to save both the cat and the miniature bonsai tree.”

Alan, six, has now completely recovered from his embarrassing ordeal. “The confidence has come right back,” said Jamie. “He’s so confident that he even attacked a man on a mobility scooter the other day.

“I couldn’t have been more proud.”

When asked what had happened to the miniature bonsai tree, Dan and Jamie declined to comment.

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Mick McCarthy insists he’s no muppet

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Mick McCarthy insists he’s no muppet

By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

Following news that Manchester United star Bastian Schweinsteiger may sue a toy manufacturer because their Nazi doll looks just like him, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal football manager Mick McCarthy has also called in the lawyers.

German international Schweinsteiger, 31, made the news today because his lawyers are looking at the Hong Kong maker of a WW2 Wehrmacht veteran toy, complete with a swastika-bearing eagle on his uniform, which bears an uncanny resemblance to the footballer.

The Nazi soldier at the centre of the scandal is even called Bastian

Bastian Schweinsteiger

Now we can reveal McCarthy is concerned his image rights have been violated – and people may think he is a muppet.

An Ipswich insider said: “Ipswich are going through a poor run of form at the moment, and Mick heard one or two cynical supporters in the crowd calling him a muppet. When he looked up the word on Google he saw an image of Sam Eagle and saw the similarity too.

“He will listen to his legal advice before deciding what to do next.”

mick-mccarthy-muppet
McCarthy and Sam Eagle

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Huge fans keep Essex smells out of posh Suffolk resorts

The Editor
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Huge fans keep Essex smells out of posh Suffolk resorts

Wind farm

A huge wind farm off the posh Suffolk coast is actually a series of massive fans designed to keep out bad smells from Essex, a whistleblower has revealed.

For years everyone assumed the Greater Gabbard, 14 miles off Suffolk, was generating “green” electricity through its 140 turbines.

But the Suffolk Gazette can reveal the white eyesores are actually special fans designed to keep the air fresh at upmarket seaside towns like Aldeburgh and Southwold.

For many years wealthy residents had turned their noses up at the terrible smells coming from down the coast in the common county known as Essex.

They had to ensure odours from greasy burgers, pizzas, kebabs, tanning solutions and cheap perfumes that plume out of lower-class towns like Clacton or Southend and drift up to Suffolk on the prevailing winds.

Now a whistleblower has decided to reveal the truth via the Suffolk Gazette because he has moved to Essex and quite likes it there.

He said: “About 20 years ago a secret group of wealthy Aldeburgh and Southwold residents, many of them second home owners from London, came up with this plan to keep the stifling Essex fumes away.

“They had enough of sitting on the beach at Aldeburgh trying to listen to open-air Benjamin Britten opera performances while the smell of stale Essex kebabs and chips hung in the air.

“And rich yachting types joined in as well, because the Essex smells were stronger out at sea.

“They all chipped in to build the Great Gabbard and fool everyone that the project was, in fact, just a wind farm. It was very expensive, but these sorts of people can afford it.

“The technology works well, and since completion in 2012 Aldeburgh in particular has been beautifully fragrant.

“But since moving to Essex I can reveal people there have been noticing the smells are worse ‘as if the wind ain’t getting rid of it’.

“People deserve to be told the truth.”

Jeremy Farquar-Smythe-Pisslethwaite, 62, a retired City banker who now lives close to the Aldeburgh seafront said: “We don’t really care what those common people in Essex think.

“We pay a premium to live in a nice part of the country and don’t see why we should breathe in their filth.”

Suffolk man had sex with 450 tractors

The Editor
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Suffolk man had sex with 450 tractors

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A Suffolk man with a bizarre sexual attraction to tractors has been banned from the countryside and forced to sign the sex offenders register.

Ralph Bishop, 53, was found by police with his trousers around his ankles “interfering” with a tractor parked in a field outside Saxmundham.

He was arrested on suspicion of outraging public decency and admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors all over the Suffolk countryside.

When officers searched his terraced home they found a collection of more than 5,000 tractor images on his laptop.

The photos showed Bishop had a special desire for John Deere and Massey Ferguson tractors, particularly green ones.

Suffolk man had sex with 450 tractors
Object of desire

A police insider said: “We couldn’t believe it when we found him in the field. He was wearing a white t-shirt and Wellington boots and very little else. He was clearly in a state of high excitement at the rear of the machine.

“Thankfully nobody else was around, but the field is close to a village primary school so we had to arrest him and educate him about the error of his ways.

“He told us he was particularly ‘into’ axle grease and the presence of this around the back of tractors was all too much for him.”

Bishop, twice divorced, was released without charge on condition he sought psychological help. He was put on the sex offenders register.

“He is also banned from the countryside and is now forbidden to go within one mile of a farm,” the police insider added. “So he has to live and remain in the middle of Ipswich to comply with that.

“However, we are watching him because we are worried about the safety of several street-cleaning machines.”

Another source, WPC Lorraine Fisher, 34, added: “He’ll also need to keep away from the town’s gardens – if he takes a fancy to a lawnmower he might find he loses more than just his liberty.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Three months later, things had not improved for Mr Bishop, who was caught out trying to get a job at an agriculture college, where he wanted to give the farm machinery a vigorous scrub down.

Ipswich midfielders are pain in the neck

The Editor
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Ipswich midfielders are pain in the neck

Ipswich midfielders are being given muscle-strengthening exercises for their necks because they spend 90 minutes each game watching the ball sail over their heads.

Cole Skuse and Jonathan Douglas complained to boss Mick McCarthy that the floundering team’s long-ball style was giving them a sore neck.

He has now given the duo special exercises so they will be able to watch the balls fly over their heads from defence to attack in more comfort.

long ball tactics
Route 1: Long balls are a pain in the neck

A club insider said: “Arnold Muhren, one of the finest midfielders to ever pull on an Ipswich shirt, was famously dismayed when the ball kept flying over his head on his debut for the club.

“But Bobby Robson soon got the team playing brilliant football on the ground – with rather good results.

“However, this current Mick McCarthy Ipswich team is struggling to do that, and supporters are getting a little restless about seeing the ball hoofed in the air from one end of the pitch to another. The less-than-thrilling 0-0 draw at home to lowly Huddersfield summed up our recent fortunes.

“But those fans have no idea about the problem this long-ball habit is causing the midfield. Cole and Jonathan both have a cricked neck from staring skywards for so long.

“These exercises are adapted to strengthen their neck muscles accordingly.”

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Suffolk woman still watching X Factor

The Editor
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Suffolk woman still watching X Factor

By Arthur Pint
Entertainment Editor

A seemingly normal Suffolk woman today admitted she still watched and enjoyed X Factor.

Trudy Hutchison claimed Simon Cowell’s long-running television show was as “brilliant” as ever.

“This series is gripping,” said Miss Hutchison, a legal executive from Ipswich. “I particularly love the Six Chair Challenge – it really is like playing musical chairs. Simon Cowell is a genius.”

Miss Hutchison’s family and friends are so concerned by her outspoken views that they put her in touch with medics, but checks showed she was in good health and had no psychological issues.

One doctor said: “This is a strange case. It is very rare to find anyone claiming they still enjoy X Factor. I think we need to do more tests.”

An ITV insider said: “We’d like to thank Trudy for her continued support. But obviously she is completely mad.”

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