Residents demanded to know the truth last night after it was revealed that hay fever has very little to do with hay.

As Suffolk sniffed and sneezed, experts also admitted that the condition was not actually a fever.

Despite the confusion, everyone agreed that when the temperatures rise, as they are doing this week, then people start feeling under the weather.

Dr Daley Sneezum, who has been studying hay fever for many years, told the Suffolk Gazette: “Hay fever has very little to do with hay. Yes, hay could contribute, but in the modern world anything pollen related can irritate us.

“The main culprits are grass (before it turns into hay), trees and certain weeds. Further, patients do not develop a fever as the name suggests. Instead, they may get itchy eyes, sneezing, runny noses and irritated throats.”

Those afflicted said the name of the condition should now be changed to better describe how they feel.

Agnes Harrison, 83, of Hasketon, Suffolk, said: “Hay fever is not to be sniffed at. But we should call it something that better reflects what it is – an irritation.

“So I suggest ‘Angry Labour Voters’, because they have become the most irritating thing in the world.”

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By Suffolk Gazette Staff

An unemployed green duck has been hired by Norwich City owner Delia Smith to be the club’s new mascot.

Orville lost his job as an annoying, high-pitched duck when his boss, television entertainer Keith Harris died from cancer last week.

But while many thought that was the last they’d seen of the nappy-wearing green bird, Smith has amazed football by offering him a key role at Carrow Road.

Orville will now parade around the pitch singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly’, just as Norwich prepare for a key two-legged play-off semi-final against East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town.

His appointment means an undignified end for ex-Norwich mascot Captain Canary, who will now spend his retirement years at a Cromer bird sanctuary.

“It’s quackers. But when Ipswich beat Norwich in the play-offs, she can always cook the bloody thing.”

Meanwhile, Orville’s former sidekick, Cuddles the monkey, has not been offered any work since Harris died, aged 67.

“I hate that effing duck,” Cuddles told the Suffolk Gazette last night.

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By Casey Jones, Railway Correspondent

Britain’s most polite mainline train service is to open a new line from Glasgow straight to the heart of Suffolk – just to prove how nice they are.

The much-criticised firm will run a thrice-weekly service from Scotland’s West Coast via Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds and Birmingham before crossing England to Ipswich.

Said to be frequently overcrowded, late and lacking decent catering, Virgin West Coast bosses say they can teach East Anglians “a thing or two about how to endure alleged p*ss-poor services without moaning about it constantly”.

A Virgin spokesman confirmed the plan was on the table but added a focus-group feasibility study was being conducted among its usual clientele before a final decision was made.

The service is scheduled to cost around £783.22 return off peak for a weekend ‘East Angular Traveller’ ticket.

New rolling stock will be added to the service by 2034, said Virgin.

“But four hours later I was chatting to a charming family from Manchester who were squatting in the first-class cycle racks.

“The atmosphere was amazing, even when the lights went out at Milton Keynes. I can’t wait for the Suffolk service – it’s a party all the way.”

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Postmen in Suffolk are being ordered to wear roller skates in a bizarre efficiency drive by Royal Mail bosses.

Managers believe posties will deliver the mail much quicker if they are wearing the specially-adapted skates, meaning they can squeeze a second round in each day.

But the unions are furious at the trial, pointing out that wearing roller skates is a serious health and safety issue for their members.

Suffolk was chosen for the trial because it is relatively flat, but already there have been reports of two postmen zooming out of control down Bishop’s Hill in Ipswich at 40 miles per hour.

Thankfully no postmen have been hurt, and the Suffolk Gazette understands the trial is to be halted next week after mixed results.

A Royal Mail insider said: “The management dreamed up the idea after one of their children watched an episode of Postman Pat, in which Pat tried out some roller skates to get around faster.

“The kids show ended up as you’d expect – a disaster, with Pat flying headfirst over a gate into a field. Now pressure from the unions and postmen themselves is likely to force a rethink.

“Some of the younger posties were getting along okay with their skates, but the older ones were struggling, particularly when their bags were full early on their rounds.”

“We’re told the trial ends next week, and that rather than being extended nationally, it will be scrapped entirely.”

It is believed the postmen will be allowed to keep their skates when the trial finishes.

They had been given just two days training using the skates before being sent on their rounds.

One furious postie said: “I had people on my round laughing at me. They’d tap their watches and say, ‘You’re late this morning. Get yer skates on’.

“It is humiliating.”