Thursday, January 9, 2025
Home Blog Page 361

World’s coldest woman lives in Ipswich

0

An Ipswich woman has triumphed for a record third year running in the World Feeling Cold Championships, held in Saudi Arabia.

Tracy Dell, a 43-year-old housewife and mother of four, managed to complain about feeling “absolutely frozen” 127 times during the 12-hour competition – even though temperatures were in the high 90s.

This was a new personal best for Mrs Dell, shattering her previous record of 98 complaints during last year’s event on Copacabana Beach in Rio De Janeiro. The world record was 130 complaints set by an Australian woman during the 1999 event in The Bahamas.

freezing-woman
Tracy Dell wrapped up

Mrs Del beat 3,000 other woman to claim the title and the prize of an Arctic survival suit and free central heating oil for a year.

[AdSense-A]

The Suffolk Gazette tried to contact Mr Dell last night to ask about his wife’s triumph, but he was unavailable for comment.

He is believed to be serving six months in prison for non-payment of the family’s last quarterly heating bill, which is believed to be in excess of £30,000.

* Disclaimer: This spoof is not, in any way, shape, or form, intended to lampoon the fairer sex and their infuriating propensity to constantly whine about feeling “frozen”, irrespective of the time of the year, ambient temperature, central heating setting, being on a collision course with the sun with only minutes to impact etc.

* To read more from this contributor, please visit Soz Satire.

Dragons Den with Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse

0

Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse present their hilarious version of Dragons Den, featuring a hapless pair pitching their business venture – a new month called Augcember.

* * * *

Like The Suffolk Gazette on Facebook now!

Please support our running costs by clicking here and buying us a beer!

Advertise on the Suffolk Gazette – click here for (very cheap) rates

A140 driver jailed after hitting 35mph

0

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A driver who posted photos of himself on Facebook reaching speeds of up to 35mph along the A140 has been jailed.

Justin Johnson filmed his speedometer reaching reckless speeds along the notoriously slow road, and at one point the needle was seen to hit 35mph.

Police said that sort of pace was more than double the speed achieved by most drivers who have to pootle along the busy A140 for miles on end.

One traffic cop told us: “It was crazy going that fast. We’ve never clocked anyone getting above 20mph on the A140 before. Mr Johnson would have got away with it, except he decided to film his recklessness and then brag about it on social media.

“His Facebook and Twitter posts included the photograph of his Audi speedometer touching 35mph – and that was all the evidence we needed to prosecute.”

speed limit 140
Dangerously fast: Johnson’s photo which landed him in jail
Soil scientist Johnson, 34, of Framlingham, was jailed for six months and lost his license for a year when he admitted dangerous driving at Ipswich Crown Court last week.

His wife, Helen told the Suffolk Gazette: “He was full of remorse. He uses the road up to Norfolk every day and never normally gets above 15mph because of all the lorries and farm machinery.

“He just got carried away and realises it was stupid to show off with the photograph. Justin will regret it for the rest of his life.”

Speed limit

Meanwhile, Suffolk County Council is investigating ways of speeding up journey times on the main road route between Suffolk and Norfolk.

They might finally approve plans to dual the whole stretch from Claydon, near Ipswich, right up to Norwich. But campaigners will be furious because councillors want the slow lane to become a ‘tractor lane’ – meaning cars will still only have one lane to use.

Anger as Suffolk postcodes replace Norfolk ones

4

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

The residents of Norfolk were fuming last night with news that the county will be forced to adopt IP postcodes from neighbouring Suffolk.

Royal Mail staff have downgraded Norfolk because so few people can read or write there, making letters or deliveries a rare commodity.

[AdSense-A]

To save money, executives have decided to simply extend the current Suffolk postcode system, which uses popular IP postcodes based on Ipswich, the county town.

Under the reorganisation, which will begin in the New Year, all Norwich addresses will use IP99 postcodes, with all outlying areas of the county using various IP number combinations.

Norfolk 2
Norfolk’s traditional postcode areas will be eliminated

A Royal Mail insider said: “There is no point supporting NR postcodes when nobody there understands letters. In Suffolk they are much better educated and make full use of the postal service.

“It makes perfect sense for us to extend the IP reach into neighbouring Norfolk, which we hear depends a lot on Suffolk anyway.”

But Norfolk people were furious. Edna Spratt, who lives in a hovel near Dereham, fumed: “I am fuming. I have no idea what a letter is or how I would go about writing one, but I know that if I did it should have nothing to do with Suffolk.”

Edna Spratt on LinkedIn
Peasant Edna Spratt fuming in her Norfolk hovel

Some business leaders were supportive of the plans. Cletus Spuckler, who runs a smallholding specialising in turnips, said: “Suffolk postcodes will give my business address more prestige. Creating the right impression is vital.”

* * * *

Like The Suffolk Gazette on Facebook now!

Please support our running costs by clicking here and buying us a beer!

Advertise on the Suffolk Gazette – click here for (very cheap) rates

Ultimate ‘meat machine’ bred from pigs and cows

3

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk farm is creating history by successfully breeding pigs and cows together to produce the ultimate ‘meat machine’.

The offspring, affectionately called ‘pows’, yield both beef and pork produce, which means farmers can enter two markets for the price of one.

Experts say this will revolutionise the food industry by creating cheaper beef and pork joints, sausages and bacon for the supermarket.

The breeding programme is being pioneered at Hatchet Farming Estate near Bawdsey, and the pows are getting bigger, leaner and stronger by the day.

the pow - a cross between a pig and a cow that will revolutionise the food industry
A pow, created by breeding pigs and cows, frolicking on the Suffolk farm

Farmer Jeremy Giles, speaking exclusively to the Suffolk Gazette, said: “The pows are fairly big – about mid way between a pig and a cow. We have carefully developed the breeding programme so that the beef and pork joints are in separate parts of the animal. This means the meats are not mixed up.

“We’ve enjoyed terrific topside beef, brilliant bacon, sizzling sausages and gorgeous gammon – all from the same animal. We’re still working on the rear end structure, but we fully expect to perfect rump steak as well.”

So far Mr Giles has grown an impressive herd of 60 pows on his 300-acre estate. He will be presenting them to the Food Standards Agency early next year, and already has the backing of meat trade associations and the Meat Marketing Board.

A retail insider said: “This new animal is unique and solves a critical problem for farmers everywhere – how to diversify their produce with no extra expense.

‘Cheaper’

“By breeding pows they can produce pork and beef products from the same animal, halving their costs. These savings will ultimately be passed on to the consumer, so we can all expect cheaper Sunday lunches within a year.”

Developing the first pow was no easy task. Mr Giles and his team had to find a small cow and a large pig in order to make breeding physically possible.

“We put them together in a cozy sty, put down plenty of straw and turned down the lighting. We then left them alone to let nature take its course. We confirmed within a week that the cow was pregnant, and five months later a litter of six pows arrived.

“The were all pink with black markings with a curious shaped head. We have successfully kept the breeding programme going and the animals are all strong and healthy.

“We’re delighted with the pows. The only odd thing is the noise they make – a combination of a muffled moo and a loud oink.”

Rowan Atkinson the school master

0

This is Rowan Atkinson’s classic “school master” routine, played out to a live audience.

* * * *

Like The Suffolk Gazette on Facebook now!

Please support our running costs by clicking here and buying us a beer!

Hideous Norfolk Halloween mask banned

2

Exclusive
By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Correspondent

A horrific Halloween mask made in Norfolk has been banned by watchdogs because it is too terrifying for youngsters.

The ghoulish disguise depicts a hideous old woman who has apparently just crawled out of a grave wearing a disgusting yellow and green scarf.

Scary: Norfolk Halloween mask cooked up a storm

A spokesman for Suffolk trading standards said the nightmarish mask, which was made by a sweat shop in Carrow Road, Norwich had been on the shelves of leading supermarkets across the region for only a few days before complaints came flooding in.

“We had a record number of calls. Young children were loving the disguises featuring festering zombies or bloodied chainsaw murderers, but when they saw this mask made in Norfolk they shrieked, burst into tears and hid behind their parents.

“Many concerned shoppers got in touch to say the costume was a step too far, and should be sold under the counter to adults only.

“As a result we demanded the shelves be cleared, and happily the stores have agreed.”

A spokesman for the manufacturers, Delia Smith Enterprises, refused to comment. But an insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “If you think the mask is bad, wait until you see our special 2016 topless calendar.”

* * * *

Like The Suffolk Gazette on Facebook now!

Please support our running costs by clicking here and buying us a beer!

Advertise on the Suffolk Gazette – click here for (very cheap) rates

Man drowned in a bath full of baked beans

3

A man drowned in a bath full of baked beans while raising money for Prince William’s air ambulance service, an inquest heard yesterday.

German Heinz Muller, who has lived in Suffolk most of his life, wanted to raise £300 for the East Anglian Air Ambulance, which currently boasts Prince William as one of its pilots.

But an inquest at Ipswich Coroner’s Court heard Mr Muller died a terrible death when the charity stunt in a village pub near Ixworth went tragically wrong.

Coroner Lorraine Fisher, 34, was told an old iron bath had been placed in the public bar at the Dog and Duck pub in Little Brimmer – and filled with 500 tins of baked beans, which were donated by a local supermarket because they were passed the sell-by date.

Mr Muller, an electrician from Bury St Edmunds, had to strip to his boxer shorts and lay in the bath for 24 hours in order to raise cash for the air ambulance, which provides fast-response emergency cover across East Anglia.

Changing a barrel

But at 4.30pm on Friday, October 9, while the landlord Jeremy Youngman was in the cellar changing a barrel, Mr Muller, 36, fell asleep and drowned.

Mr Youngman told the hushed inquest: “I was only downstairs for a few minutes. When I got back to the bar, I could not see Heinz in the bath. I assumed he must have given up and got out, or perhaps he was in the lavatory.

“Thinking back now it was all very ironic, because I remember Don’t Leave Me This Way by the Communards was playing on the jukebox at the time.

“He was still missing at 8pm when the bar was very busy. Then one of the regulars thought to check the actual bath. It was terribly distressing when the customer rolled up his sleeve and put his arm in the bath, only to find poor Heinz in there.”

baked-beans

Coroner Fisher told the inquest, which was attended by Mr Muller’s wife Deborah, that a post-mortem revealed Mr Muller had died from drowning, and that his body showed no signs of physical injury.

Giving a verdict of “misadventure”, the coroner said: “The pathologist report concludes he must have fallen asleep and simply slipped silently under the beans and sauce.

“I hope Mr Muller’s family can draw some comfort from the fact that his death will be a warning to other charity fund-raisers not to push themselves to the limits of endurance.

“And also of course they must be pleased that a JustGiving page set up on the internet for his stunt has since raised £4,500, far more than the £300 he was hoping for.”

Mrs Muller was too upset to speak to the Suffolk Gazette outside the court, but neighbour and family friend Jack Bentley said: “It’s such a terrible shame because Heinz was a lovely and lively character.

“He was so full of beans.”