Friday, November 28, 2025
Home Blog Page 361

New UKIP leader looks strangely familiar

The Editor
-
0
New UKIP leader looks strangely familiar

Diane James UKIP leader

By Our Political Staff

UKIP members claimed there was something “strangely familiar” about Diane James when she was unveiled as the party’s new leader today.

Nigel Farage stepped down after resigning the leadership for the second time and Ms James, pictured above, was voted in to replace him by the party faithful.

[AdSense-A]

Political observers insist it is unlikely Mr Farage will be able to release his iron grip on party affairs.

And now gossips are looking closely at Ms James having noticed she and Mr Farage had never appeared together in the same room.

One UKIP member from Suffolk, who is attending the annual conference in Bournemouth, said: “It’s a little odd. I just saw her down the pub sinking six pints at lunchtime. Her eyes were bulging out and darting around like a swivel-eyed loon. Then she went into the men’s toilets.”

A UKIP insider said: “Diane is definitely not Nigel Farage in drag. She is her own person who will bring fresh ideas to the party, like leaving Europe and restricting immigration.”

The face of Euroscepticism in the UK for nearly two decades, Mr Farage helped turn UKIP from a fringe party into the third biggest in UK politics in terms of votes at the last general election.

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Public gets over Great British Bake Off shock

The Editor
-
0
Public gets over Great British Bake Off shock

Great British Bake Off

By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

The 54 million people in Britain who never watch the Great British Bake Off “could not give a toss” that the show is moving to Channel 4, it emerged today.

While the national media went into meltdown when “news” broke that the BBC had lost the series, most people somehow managed to get through the day unaffected.

[AdSense-A]

The first show in the current series, now the last on the BBC, attracted a little over 10 million viewers, meaning there were 54 million in the country who did not bother tuning in.

One of them said: “I do not pay my license fee to watch people baking cakes, only for an old lady and Merseyside’s answer to Paul Newman to eat them and say how jolly nice they are.

“It sounds like Channel 4 is the best place for it.”

But the minority whose life is consumed by soggy bottoms and floury baps were furious over the move, which could see star presenters leave and, heaven forbid, the show off air for a whole year.

Edna Spratt, 48, from Dereham in Norfolk said: “It’s all I watch on TV. Now I’ll have to spend more time talking to my brother and our nine children.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

David Cameron buys Suffolk pig farm

The Editor
-
0
David Cameron buys Suffolk pig farm

David Cameron on his new Suffolk pig farm

EXCLUSIVE
By Our Agriculture Staff

Former Prime Minister David Cameron hopes to become a ‘Prince of Pork’ after purchasing a pig farm, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

He shocked colleagues by resigning as the Member of Parliament for Witney yesterday, and now plans to make a new life rearing pigs at the £1.1 farm near Stanton.

[AdSense-A]

Mr Cameron famously became fascinated by pigs when he was at university, but many will be surprised he is now entering the pig business rather than making millions writing his memoirs or undertaking speaking engagements.

A friend explained: “David loves to chillax down on the farm, and the urge to get down and dirty with his own pigs was probably too much.

“He will move the family to Suffolk and build up his pig numbers. He has a desire to develop a sausage that will take the country by storm – a real British banger.”

[AdSense-B]

Locals were excited about their famous new neighbour. Colin Allbeck, who runs a butchers in nearby Bury St Edmunds, said: “I’d love to get my hands on Mr Cameron’s sausage – it would be great for business.”

But some were less than pleased. Liam Trotter, a local Labour councillor said: “I’m worried about animal welfare. Didn’t Mr Cameron once abuse a pig, albeit a dead one?”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Man took ‘at least an hour’ to overtake cyclists

The Editor
-
0
Man took ‘at least an hour’ to overtake cyclists

Ladies cycling

By Bernie Legg, Cycling Correspondent

A motorist has complained it took him “at least an hour” to overtake this group of cyclists today.

Jeremy Smith, 54, said he was driving along the B1078 towards Wickham Market when he came up behind the group of four ladies who were enjoying a Sunday ride.

[AdSense-A]

“They were two abreast and it would have been difficult to overtake. In the event I stayed behind them for at least an hour until I was absolutely, 100 per cent sure that it was safe to do so,” Mr Smith said.

He claimed the group was going around eight miles an hour, and even with no other traffic around so early on a Sunday, he thought it prudent to stay behind them.

“Thankfully I am quite patient,” Mr Smith, an insurance broker, said. “I was happy to sit back and enjoy the countryside views. However, my wife did wonder why it had taken me so long to get the paper and milk.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Taylor Swift dumped Tom Hiddleston over red trousers fear

The Editor
-
0
Taylor Swift dumped Tom Hiddleston over red trousers fear

Taylor Swift Tom Hiddleston AldeburghMoot point: Taylor Swift did not appreciate the local uniform in Aldeburgh

EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

Taylor Swift dumped dishy actor Tom Hiddleston after realising what her future life would be like on the Suffolk coast.

The celebrity couple spent time in the county visiting his family, but multi-award winning singer Taylor, 26, was aghast when she saw what her boyfriend would turn into.

A pal told the Suffolk Gazette: “There were old people everywhere. All the men wore a uniform of red trousers and Tweed or Barbour jackets, and played golf. She felt sickened.”

[AdSense-A]

The loved-up couple were snapped strolling along Suffolk beaches with 35-year-old Tom’s mother in June, just one month into their romance.

But Night Manager star Tom’s dream of settling down in Suffolk were dashed by Taylor’s view of local life.

The pal explained: “She couldn’t bear to stay there another day. Oh my god, the smell of lavender and the stupid trousers! Taylor just felt she could not fit in with the Aldeburgh or Southwold sets.

“She asked Tom if they could spend some time in Haverhill instead, but he was having none of it.”

News emerged of their split last week, but the real reason behind it can only revealed today.

Swift is no stranger to Suffolk, having already dated Framlingham music sensation Ed Sheeran. She spent time with him in the town, including trips to his favourite pub.

Other Suffolk celebrities, including former Tory minister Norman Tebbit and television funnyman Griff Rhys Jones, are now on the alert in case Taylor wanted to make it third time lucky with a local man.

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Fury as Kim Jong-un detonates Sizewell nuclear blast

The Editor
-
0
Fury as Kim Jong-un detonates Sizewell nuclear blast

By Our Foreign Affairs Staff

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un caused outrage today by setting off a huge nuclear explosion while holidaying in his caravan on the Suffolk coast.

The despot feasted last night on a tasty-but-spicy curry at an Indian restaurant in Leiston, and was still suffering the consequences when he woke up in his caravan at Sizewell this morning.

[AdSense-A]

Rather than stink the place out, he wandered down to the beach, which is popular with holidaymakers and dog walkers, to set off the explosion towards the North Sea.

But the resulting blast, captured on film and passed to the Suffolk Gazette by a concerned reader, was so huge it registered a 5.3 magnitude tremor, while the vindaloo and onion bhaji fallout is still being felt as far away as Aldeburgh and Southwold.

Kim Jong Un nuclear explosion in Suffolk

World leaders were furious, threatening further sanctions against the rogue state. Even China, a long-term ally of North Korea, has now seemingly turned its nose up.

The Suffolk Gazette revealed last year how Mr Jong-Un had purchased a caravan at Sizewell after falling in love the area during a secret visit to the local power station.

Our Editor even got an exclusive interview with Kim Jong-Un, where he backed the leadership of good comrade Jeremy Corbyn.

[AdSense-B]

Up to now he has enjoyed peace and quiet on his trips to Suffolk, with his secret service ensuring he was not bothered by inquisitive locals.

However that may now change, with an action group being created to monitor all Kim Jong-Un’s movements, particularly after a curry.

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

We catch Keith Vaz with 22-year-old escort

The Editor
-
0
We catch Keith Vaz with 22-year-old escort

Keith Vaz escort

EXCLUSIVE
By Our Investigations Team

Shamed MP Keith Vaz is today exposed trying to get his hands on ANOTHER 22-year-old escort.

Our team watched from the bushes as he made overtures to the model outside his London flat, where he was caught last week allegedly paying male prostitutes for sex.

Mr Vaz, 59, resigned yesterday as chairman of the influential Home Affairs Committee after reports of his liaison with male escorts. He had allegedly asked them to bring along ‘poppers’ drugs – and was said to have offered to buy them cocaine.

He told the men he was a washing machine salesman called Jim, prompting another exclusive in the Suffolk Gazette that he had subsequently endorsed Vaz Washing Powder.

Married with two children, the Leicester MP blamed the Sunday Mirror newspaper for gutter journalism, while Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn implied it was a “private matter”.

But this exclusive Suffolk Gazette photograph reveals Mr Vaz absolutely does have a fondness for escorts in their 20s. There is no suggestion he did anything wrong with the car.

A trade insider described the escort as a “real goer” and “very reliable” – in other words, it would not sell its story to the newspapers.

My modern-day version of Harvest Festival favourite

The Editor
-
0
My modern-day version of Harvest Festival favourite

in my lady garden

Phew! What a busy few weeks for those of us harvesting our allotments. Our beans went bananas, our spuds are bursting forth, the tomatoes are heading for a glut and our marrows are swelling like a rent boy in an MP’s flat.

Not only that but it’s time to get in the winter pansies!

[AdSense-A]

Keen gardeners are pickling their beetroot, making jams and chutneys, bottling their gherkins and storing the apples and pears.

In Suffolk, the tractors have been working under floodlights to bring in the crops. I celebrated with a lovely Harvest Festival of sweet and sour pork and egg-fried rice.

harvest-festivalBountiful: Just look at my harvest

What a time for us to count our blessings! It reminds me of the old belter We Plough the Fields and Scatter, which was set to music in 1800 and is still one of the most performed hymns in the United Kingdom.

Between culling the courgettes and picking the peppers, I rewrote the words to bring it more up to date.

Please sing out loud after a few jars of Adnams, and I’m sure it will be good for your soul. All together now…

We plough the fields and scatter our bottles on the land,
We water our begonias, extended hose in hand.
We get the snow in winter and warmth to swell the grain,
And if we get our hair done, it pisses down with rain.

(Chorus)
All good gifts around us,
from Amazon online,
Oh Thankyou Lord, for all the beer
And all the chilled white wine.

We buy our plants from Wyevale or go to B &Q,
Together with some charcoal lumps, to do our barbecue.
We get the Busy-Lizzies to do the flowerbed,
Then nip along to Tesco… to buy our daily bread.

(Chorus)

We love our ride-on mowers: they cut the grass so good,
Unless we got the Astro Turf to trick the neighbourhood.
We sprinkle round the Weedol, the nettles for to kill,
We thank you for our nights out.. and morning-after pill.

(Chorus, and another beer)

We plough the fields and natter, about last night’s TV.
Like Poldark with his scythe out, or her on ITV,
We get the snow in winter, then warmth to swell the grain,
We get a shite hangover, then do it all again.

(Rousing chorus: sing so loud it hurts)

With all these award-winning lyrics, and being kept awake by tractors, I seek your forgiveness, dear readers, for not giving you my usual advice. Or answering your problems.

Apart from this one:

* K V from Leicestershire: your compost heap certainly does seem attention. I would shred some copies of the Sunday Mirror and add it to the mix. Urinating on it, which adds nutrients, might make it all a bit better.

See you soon,

Anita, la la la la la la la la. x x x

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

1...360361362...404Page 361 of 404

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us