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Police race to village bake-off riot

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Police race to village bake-off riot

EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Police raced to a village bake-off contest after allegations of flirtation and cheating spilled into violence.

Tempers flared when voluptuous widow Wendy Summerskill, 54, won an award for her moist Victoria sponge just moments after her floury baps got first prize in the bread-making category.

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Jealous rivals claimed she only won because she had enjoyed a secret fling with the competition judge, Major Rupert Bone three years ago.

And when village postmistress Helena Jones-Smythe saw Mrs Summerskill fluttering her eyelids at Major Bone as he held her cups aloft, she “went mad” and threw one of her cupcakes across Little Brimmer Village Hall.

Unfortunately, according to witnesses, the errant cupcake knocked over tea being drunk by Jane Ford, the fearsome treasurer of the village’s branch of the Women’s Institute, spilling it down her new floral dress – and it all kicked off.

Bake offCooking up a storm: bake-off turned violent

One observer at the bake-off, which has been held at Little Brimmer each year since the Second World War, told the Suffolk Gazette: “It turned into a free-for-all. Mrs Summerskill took the brunt of it, with her hair being pulled by two ladies screaming that she was ‘the village bike’. Another woman threw her sponge on the floor and there was an unfortunate moment with a cream horn.

“And when someone shouted that Mrs Summerskill only won the prizes because of her previous romance with Major Bone, her current partner jumped up and punched him.

“There were around 100 people in the village hall and it threatened to get completely out of hand. It was a real shame because so many ladies, and even some men, had worked jolly hard on their cakes, pastries and breads.”

The witness, who asked not to be named, said the police were called by a startled group of hikers walking through the village, and the two officers arrived just as things were calming down.

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A police spokesman confirmed: “We received a call about a disturbance at Little Brimmer Village Hall. There were numerous allegations of assault, but after speaking to all parties they agreed not to press charges.”

Villagers have called a meeting to discuss the melee and calm simmering tensions, and it is believed the bake-off, which happens traditionally on the third Sunday of September, will be organised again – although Major Bone, 62, has agreed to stand down as the judge.

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Steve McClaren ready to return as England manager

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Steve McClaren

By Our Football Staff

Steve McClaren has delighted England fans by saying he expects to get his old job back if Sam Allardyce is sacked today.

McClaren, who was playfully dubbed the “Wally with a Brolly” during his previous stint as England boss, says his recent club successes make him an obvious choice for the role.

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Big Sam was in a showdown meeting the FA at Wembley today after being caught in a newspaper sting trying to bag a £400,000 personal deal on the back of his lucrative role as England manager. He also allegedly told the “businessmen” how to get around rules governing third-party ownership of foreign players.

The drama immediately set tongues wagging over who would replace Allardyce – and McClaren was quick to offer his services.

He said: “The fans loved me when I managed England before. Since then I’ve had incredible success with Derby, only narrowly failing to get them promoted despite spending millions, and then I took charge of Newcastle who, er, went on to get relegated.”

England fans were not so keen on a McClaren return: “I’d rather we had Steve Bruce… and that’s saying something.”

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Corbyn walks on water at Southwold

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Corbyn walks on water at Southwold

Jeremy Corbyn Walks on WaterJC walks on water

By John Baptiste

Jeremy Corbyn walked on water a mile out to sea off Southwold Pier before the Labour Party Conference, we can exclusively reveal.

Mr Corbyn – or JC as he is nicknamed by his followers – turned up for the Suffolk rally to show the posh townsfolk his leadership skills before he headed off to Liverpool where he swept to victory as Labour leader.

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“It was a miracle,” said Colonel “Sandy” Sanders, who normally votes Conservative. “We knew Jeremy had this holier-than-thou attitude but he has proved it’s not just an image.

“He walked a mile out to sea, turned round, shook the water off his robes then did some more tricks on the pier. He turned some Perrier into wine, a nice Merlot as it happened, raised a dead drunk, and calmed a storm heading along the coast.

“Then he went to a little bistro and turned a few focaccia loaves and a couple of sea bass into a slap-up meal to feed the multitude who had turned up to see him.

“While he was on the pier his entourage had a fun stroll around the Wacky Walk of Mirrors. It was hilarious. Everyone looked like something they weren’t really, with stupid grins and funny looks. They explained how the Sizewell plant is going to be turned into Britain’s biggest yoga class and the Southwold beach huts will be turned into council housing.

“I have voted Tory all my life but, by Jove, I have been converted. Now JC is the one for me.”

Meanwhile, in a clever bid to make himself more popular, Mr Corbyn has invited photographers inside his Islington home for a photo shoot for next month’s Halo! magazine.

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The Queen eats doner kebab after Prince Harry dare

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The Queen eats doner kebab after Prince Harry dare

EXCLUSIVE
By Jane Seymour, Royal Correspondent

The Queen tucked into a takeaway doner kebab with all the trimmings after accepting a dare from Prince Harry, we can reveal today.

She munched through half of the feast, which was delivered to the Sandringham Estate, her country retreat in Norfolk, by a wide-eyed kebab shop worker in his beaten-up old Nissan Micra.

The extraordinary incident, which illustrates perfectly Her Majesty’s wicked sense of humour, happened after a lively family lunch at Sandringham House two weeks ago to celebrate Harry’s 32nd birthday.

A royal insider said: “Harry had enjoyed a few glasses of wine, and when The Queen asked him if there was anything particular he would like for his birthday, he blurted out, ‘You have to eat a doner kebab’.

“She had no idea exactly what one of those was, and agreed immediately to the challenge, much to Philip’s surprise. As a Greek, he was perfectly aware of what was in store for her.

“The conversation moved on and it looked like everyone had forgotten about it. But last week, the Krazy Kebabs takeaway in Swaffham, 17 miles away, got a delivery order by telephone… to Sandringham House.”

The source told how driver Ahmet Sudoku arrived at the gates 30 minutes later, and was waved through to the main house.

He told the Suffolk Gazette: “I assumed the food was for a servant. But when I got to the entrance a butler took it, and said it was for the Queen. I hope she enjoyed it – we are known for the best kebabs in Norfolk.”

Chili sauce

A source said Her Majesty was taken aback by the doner meat-filled pitta bread, oozing with chili sauce and a sprinkling of salad. “She had expected something entirely different, but started to eat it anyway.

“Staff say she found the sauce rather hot, but enjoyed about half of the kebab before giving up. Prince Philip, who was roaring with laughter, took a photograph on his mobile phone, and sent it through to Prince Harry as proof that his grandmother had completed the dare.

“Harry thought it was hilarious – the two of them get on famously, like when she appeared in his fun video to promote his Invictus Games.”

A spokesman at Krazy Kebabs said: “We have been asked not to talk about this.” Meanwhile, a spokesman at Buckingham Palace said: “We do not comment on private family matters.”

Elderly lady finally able to retire, aged 81

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Elderly lady finally able to retire, aged 81

Mary Berry retires

By Our Personal Finance Staff

An 81-year-old woman has revealed she is only now able to retire after a lifetime of slaving away in kitchens.

Mrs Mary Berry says changes to state pension legislation meant she had to work well beyond what she had expected to be her retirement age.

But she has finally been able to hang up her apron after taking advantage of her employer’s relocation.

“I felt 81 was getting on a bit,” she told the Suffolk Gazette. “I had hoped to go at 60, but then the laws changed and pensions got smaller. I worked on and 65 came and went; 70 and 75, too.

“Then when I got to 80 I thought, ‘This is ridiculous’, and began looking for a way to put my feet up while I still had time.

“I recently just installed a home lift from thyssenkrupp to help me move around.”

She plans to spend her retirement reading and following her football team, Ipswich Town, the club she has supported since being evacuated to Suffolk from her home in Bath during the Second World War.

“I’ll keep busy, but I won’t be watching any television – there’s nothing on but crap,” she said.

Brad Pitt ‘flew into jealous rages’ over William Hague

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Angelina Jolie and William Hague

EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

Hollywood star Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt after he flew into jealous rages over her “close friendship” with dashing former British Foreign Secretary William Hague.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal that Pitt could not abide his beautiful wife being by the side of the handsome politician during her many charity trips to the UK and beyond.

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His jealousy was too much for former Tomb Raider star Angelina, who shocked the showbiz world by filing for divorce today, citing “irreconcilable differences”.

A close pal of Pitt’s told us: “Brad is quite geeky and plain-looking, some might say borderline ugly. But this William Hague guy is the stuff of female fantasy. Not only is he a powerful man, his chiselled face, smooth bare head and come-to-bed voice send women into a daze.

“Hague is known as a sex symbol in the UK, and Brad noticed Angelina was spending more and more time meeting him, while doing ‘charity things’. What’s any husband to think?”

William Pitt the Younger

Mr Hague, 55, pictured above with Angelina, once wrote a famed biography on William Pitt the Younger, who was Brad Pitt’s close ancestor – and Angelina always claimed this was a factor in her husband’s rages.

A friend said: “Brad did not like it when William Hague started poking around his family history, and this did not play well a few years later when he started seeing his wife for charitable work.”

Even when they were not working on charity things, Angelina, 41, and Mr Hague remained close and enjoyed a lunchtime date as recently as April.

Brad, 52, and Angelina — Brangelina as they are known to fans — have been together since 2004, but only married in 2014. They have six children.

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Environmentalists force 5p levy on plastic £5 notes

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Environmentalists force 5p levy on plastic £5 notes

Environmentalists add 5p tax to plastic fiver

By Gemma Owen

Green campaigners behind the plastic carrier bag ‘tax’ have now forced through a 5p levy on plastic five pound notes.

The Environment Agency has added the tariff over concerns that Britain’s throwaway society will litter the streets with fivers that can’t biodegrade and will harm the environment.

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Now every time someone receives a plastic five pound note from the bank, they will be charged £5.05.

“Although those elected prefer to call them ‘polymer’ notes, the simple truth is they are made of plastic, and plastic as we well know is a hazard to our birds and marine life”, a spokesman from the agency said.

“We would like to limit the amount of five pound notes issued and get people to use coins instead. We believe that if this levy is in place it will make people think twice about using these notes, therefore reducing the risk of damage that plastic causes to our environment.”

However, Mr Robert Card from the Royal Mint was full of praise for the new fiver. “What I like about them is that you can put them in a washing machine to keep them clean,” he said. “I tested one myself when I washed my smalls yesterday. They will definitely survive a 90 degree wash.”

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Turkey Twizzlers smuggling ring smashed by police

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Turkey Twizzlers smuggling ring smashed by police

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Six people were arrested when Suffolk Police smashed a sophisticated smuggling ring bringing evil Turkey Twizzlers across the border from Norfolk.

The deadly Bernard Matthews Turkey Twizzlers vanished from supermarket shelves in 2005 after celebrity chef Jamie Oliver revealed they contained very little turkey – but a great deal of fat.

But before production stopped, criminal gangs snapped up hundreds of thousands of bags and froze them in rows of deep freezers in a disused warehouse near Norwich.

And ever since the criminals have been shipping out dozens of bags a week to addicts in Norfolk and Suffolk, charging sky-high prices – sometimes as much as £40 a bag.

Turkey TwizzlersSeized: Part of the Turkey Twizzlers stash being smuggled into Suffolk

Detectives in Suffolk have known about the trade for years but had no idea how the Turkey Twizzlers were being smuggled unnoticed into the county.

But following a tip-off from a reformed Turkey Twizzlers addict, they lay in waiting as a boat laden with packets of the unhealthy snack was rowed across the River Waveney at Beccles.

Turkey Twizzlers

Officers pounced as two Turkey Twizzlers couriers met the cargo on the Suffolk side and began loading it into their Vauxhall Nova car.

Four people were arrested at the scene, with another two being picked up at the factory at Thorpe End, where officers found the 25-stone ring leader.

“This is a major result for us,” a spokesman for Suffolk police said. “We are determined to keep Turkey Twizzlers off the streets. People easily get hooked and I’m afraid all the evidence shows it leads to bigger problems.”

He said it was believed the shipment seized at Beccles, with a street value of £3,000, was headed for the Gainsborough estate area of Ipswich, which has a particular Turkey Twizzlers problem.

One self-confessed addict, Sarah Shaylor-Tee, said: “If I don’t get a portion each day I get withdrawal symptoms. They should really allow Turkey Twizzlers to be sold in the shops again – then we could get these evil criminals off the streets. They are feeding on our misery.”

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