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Boot Cambridgeshire out of East Anglia

The Editor
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Boot Cambridgeshire out of East Anglia

Exclusive
By Edmund King

***NEWSFLASH***
Poll results

Should Cambs be booted out of East Anglia?
Yes, of course 31.3%
Yes, and Norfolk 27.1%
No, I like flat things 41.6%

So there you have it. Cheerio, Cambridgeshire!

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Suffolk and Norfolk have formed an unlikely alliance to get Cambridgeshire booted out of East Anglia.

The annoying, flat county has enjoyed the benefits of quaint East Anglian status for far too long – without actually bringing anything to the party itself.

Apart from Cambridge, which is a nice little city, the rest of the county is only useful for driving through in order to get to important places like the Midlands or Oop North.

The rest of Cambridgeshire is a barren wasteland full of weird people and dykes, as well as other drainage solutions for the Fens.

Not even a couple of cathedrals – one in Ely and another in Peterborough (and let’s not get started about Peterborough) – can justify it being a parasite which feeds off the success of the real East Anglians who attract tourism and wealth.

Barren nights: Cambridgeshire in all its glory

Rural charm: traditional East Anglian scene in Lavenham, Suffolk

Now the great and the good from Suffolk and Norfolk, traditional enemies on so many issues, have teamed up to strike Cambridgeshire from East Anglia altogether.

The region was originally formed of only these two counties – originally called North and South Folk of the Kingdom of East Angles, but the big-eared flatlanders joined in when pesky princess Etheldreda of the Isle of Ely got wed around the year 650.

Ever since the swamplands of Cambridgeshire have been drained to make it more bearable – and in turn Cambridgeshire has drained the life from East Anglia, a place of beautiful countryside, coastline, breweries, a fine football team (in Ipswich, obviously) and the place listed as a number one destination by visitors from around Britain and beyond.

A spokesman for the newly formed Anglia Against Cambridgeshire Coalition, which consists of county council chiefs, MPs, tourism and business leaders, said: “We don’t mind parts of North Essex being in East Anglia because it is picturesque, but Cambridgeshire brings us nothing.

“We’d be better off flooding it, providing a pretty natural boundary to East Anglia from the rest of the country.”

Nobody from Cambridgeshire was available for comment today, but you can have your say by voting in our exclusive poll below…

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Suffolk publisher sacks ‘lazy’ God

The Editor
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Suffolk publisher sacks ‘lazy’ God

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
By Evan Elpuss
Religious Affairs Editor

A leading book publisher has torn up its contract with God because he has not produced any new material for over 2,000 years.

Biblical Publications Corp., based in Laxfield, Suffolk, became increasingly concerned God had not written a thing since his debut blockbuster featuring the Old and New Testaments.

They were also frustrated he had not bothered making and public appearances recently.

Chief executive Ronnie Wilson fumed: “We had a contract in place for five books, but after the success of the Bible, God seems to have got writer’s block.

“You’d think he would have loads of ideas to work with, especially as – and this is between you and I – most of it was made up anyway.

“In the end he stopped taking our calls and our letters were returned unopened. He might think he is the supreme being and ruler of all moral authority, but we sacked him for being lazy.”

A spokesman for God said he was upset but not surprised by the Suffolk publisher’s decision.

“He realises over 2,000 years is quite a long time to wait for a new book – but he has been quite busy recently.

“Biblical Publications Corp. is entitled to take a stand – but we should point out it religiously makes a healthy profit each year with royalties from the first book.”

One disappointed local fan of the Bible series, Mavis Callaghan, 78, of Framlingham, said: “I enjoyed God’s first book and have been searching Amazon for his new book, but to no avail.

“It’s a miracle his contract was not torn up years ago.”

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Sites publish any old rubbish on Black Friday

The Editor
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Sites publish any old rubbish on Black Friday

So-called respectable online news organisations were today publishing any old rubbish in the hope of enticing readers to click on profitable Black Friday adverts.

The shameless websites were running stories with apparently no thought at all in an attempt to attract traffic that would be easily influenced to click on a bargain.

One news website even wrote a story about other news websites publishing any old rubbish.

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A media source said: “With competition for eyeballs so high, and with readers’ attention diverted to picking up Black Friday bargains, publishers are resorting to publishing the first thing that comes into their heads.

“Readers open up the story and realise they have been duped – but before they close their browser, they see a Black Friday advert and they just can’t help themselves.

“They click it and the publisher gets paid a princely sum.”

But a spokesman for the British News Website Standards Authority, of which the Suffolk Gazette is a founding (and only) member, said: “The notion that sites are running any old rubbish today in order to attract lucrative eyeballs on Black Friday is nonsense.

“The Suffolk Gazette does this every day.”

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The Suffolk Gazette editor was unavailable for comment, because he was “at a meeting” in the pub.

Cynics suspect he is only down the pub because readers have unwittingly been clicking on ads, or have finally been finally bamBOOZEled into buying him a pint.

A source at the paper did, however, concede that this very story was the third Black Friday story that the Suffolk Gazette had been peddling on social media today.

“We like to keep readers up to speed with important issues such as this,” the source added.

Doris from Melton is moving

The Editor
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Doris from Melton is moving

If the Suffolk Gazette was a radio show, then Brian and Doris from Melton would be its star performers.

Those who remembered the hilarious phone-in from Brian to Town 102, talking about the Great Hurricane and how his mum Doris, aged 94, was the mystery person to phone the BBC to warn it was coming, will be pleased to know we’ve found two more ‘Brian from Melton’ phone-ins.

In the first, he tells radio Town 102’s Nick Pandolfi that he and his long-suffering mum are moving out of Melton because of the unwelcome attention they got from the original broadcast – including visits from the Sunday Mirror and calls from the Tricia Show on Channel 5 “which we can’t get in Melton because we’re still extraterrestrial here”.

Next, Brian rings in to Nick’s show trying to win a trip to Pleasurewood Hills for his mum, who has wanted to visit the theme park “near Loowestorft” for years.

Both are highly recommended listening, and we’ve added the original call, which started it all off, at the bottom, which featured the unfortunate loss of Doris’ tea towels and a torrid time for Biscuit the dog.

Moving:

Pleasurewood Hills

The original ‘Great Storm’ call

The recordings were first broadcast back in 2013, and Nick has since left Town 102 (although he returned to guest broadcast a short while ago).

As a thank you for using his Doris from Melton material here, we’ll happily give his website a plug.

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Norfolk brothers posed as handsome businessmen

The Editor
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Norfolk brothers posed as handsome businessmen

Exclusive
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Two “inexperienced” Norfolk brothers have been arrested for posing as handsome, wealthy businessmen on several major online dating sites.

Billy Bob and Bubba Spuckler, who work on their father’s smallholding near Downham Market, hoped to trick pretty women into giving them a date and maybe some affection.

But when their well-heeled victims turned up for a romantic meeting, they were in for a terrible shock.

norfolk-brothers
Web of deceit: the Spuckler brothers are nothing like their online profiles
 

Police were called by one attractive 25-year-old woman, a legal secretary from Diss, who was conned into meeting the Norfolk brothers at a roadside cafe on the A140.

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She told stunned officers: “The older one claimed online to be a chief executive of a financial trading empire and the other was meant to be his marketing director. I first got suspicious when I arrived at the meeting and there was an old 1960s tractor in the car park.

“Then when I saw them both I could have died. They had rotten teeth, could hardly speak English properly, and smelt foul. They were basically ugly peasant boys, not wealthy businessmen.”

Police spoke to the pair at the family shack after receiving two other complaints. A Norfolk Police insider said: “The boys, aged 26 and 24, were spoken to by officers and told in no uncertain terms that fibbing on online dating profiles was wrong.

“They had committed no crime, so were not charged, but they have been forced to apologise to the women and delete their online dating accounts. They have also been advised to visit a dentist.

“Quite frankly we were surprised they knew what the internet was, let alone had the ability to write on it.”

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Billy Bob and Bubba live on their smallholding with their father, Cletus and their 13 brothers and sisters. They specialise in growing turnips for the local Co-Op.

After initially threatening Suffolk Gazette reporters with a pitchfork, they admitted they had been arrested.

“We was only trying to get a little lovin,” Billy Bob, 24, said. “It gets real lonely here in rural Norfolk and we wanted to meet someone new.”

Bubba, 26, added: “Otherwise we’ll end up having to keep it in the family like everyone else around here.”

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1970s children’s TV responsible for crime wave

The Editor
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1970s children’s TV responsible for crime wave

Exclusive
By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

Suffolk Police are investigating how children of the 1970s and 1980s were corrupted by the depraved activities on their favourite television shows.

Officers were aghast when they discovered how nudity, drug taking, violence and theft used to be rife on children’s TV in Britain – and they now believe those shows could be responsible for soaring crime today.

A force insider said: “When we found just how explicit television for youngsters was in those days, it became clear why so many grew up misbehaving.”

The officer, who asked not to be named, said prosecutions could be brought against the shows’ producers. He provided the Suffolk Gazette with a list of shows that were under investigation, and why:

Scooby Doo: Scooby and Shaggy were tripping hippies with permanent munchies

Snow White: Lived in a house with seven men

Captain Pugwash: Was known to Roger, the cabin boy

Tarzan: Paraded around in near nudity

Looney Tunes: Made light of mental illness

Batman: Drove around at excessive speeds of over 200mph

Popeye: Covered in tattoos and smoked a dodgy pipe

popeye
Man with tattoos who was fond of tobacco and pestered a woman called Olive

Cinderella: Stayed out until after midnight despite her family’s wishes

Aladdin: A thief

Pinocchio: Habitual teller of lies

Wacky Races: Promoted road rage

Magic Roundabout: Featured a drugged-up rabbit called Dylan

Fingerbobs: Featured a creepy man in grey gloves and jumper

Noddy: Young boy in inappropriate relationship with older man (Big Ears)

Black Beauty: Racist

Mr Benn: Featured a man who liked dressing up

mr-benn
And then the shopkeeper appeared: Mr Benn loved dressing up

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Suffolk gran munches to sprouts world record

The Editor
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Suffolk gran munches to sprouts world record

sprouts world record

A Suffolk grandmother has entered the Guinness Book of Records for eating the highest number of sprouts in one hour.

Gladys Barraclough, 76, went through every child’s nightmare by munching through 2,437 of the green vegetables at an eye-watering rate of 40 every MINUTE.

She hopes her achievement might prompt curious children to try sprouts during their Christmas dinners this year – instead of hiding them under a potato.

But Gladys, of Knodishall near Leiston, admits her fascination with sprouts has an unfortunate side effect. “My husband Dennis gets annoyed because we have to open all the windows for a day. I love my sprouts but when you eat them you can get a little windy.

“When I completed by world record attempt, I was probably also close to smashing the breaking wind world record as well!”

Gladys, who used to work on a farm that grew sprouts, first realised she had a talent for eating large amounts when she was a teenager.

“I could get through whole bowlfulls. As I got older, I would cover my plate in them during Sunday lunch, and then I decided to set the world record, which previously stood at 1,956 sprouts eaten in an hour by a gentleman in Belgium.

“The man from Guinness World Records was present in Knodishall Village Hall to witness my challenge, and I now have a lovely certificate to prove it.”

Gladys says she is now determined to break the record again in time for next Christmas.

“I want to eat 3,000 sprouts in one hour,” she said.

Hubby Dennis admitted he was fed up with the smell, but joked: “At least we do not need a stair lift for Gladys – she just passes wind at the bottom of the stairs and is propelled up like a rocket.”

Pig Farm Simulator game goes bust

The Editor
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Pig Farm Simulator game goes bust

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

The company behind the ill-advised Pig Farm Simulator 2015 computer game has gone bust owing hundreds of thousands of pounds to creditors.

Trotters Software Inc, based near Stowmarket in Suffolk, developed and launched the game despite warnings it had no market.

Gamers were expected to take on the role of a Suffolk pig farmer and breed pigs, raise piglets, muck them out and then kill them for sausages, bacon and a fat profit.

The software first went on sale in March for £39.50 but was quickly reduced to £10 when copies were hard to shift.

An iPhone app was also introduced, but even then sales failed to pick up, and the company folded owing a small fortune to investors and the tax man.

Flop of the chops: Pig Farm Simulator failed to sell

A gaming expert said: “Pig Farm Simulator was doomed from the start. Who wants to play a game where the whole plot centres around rearing animals and then killing them for food?

“Also, the execution of the graphics was terrible and it looked like something from the 1990s.”

Suffolk mum Natasha Crisp was furious when she bought the game for her daughter, Faye, 15. “I thought it would be fun and educational for her, but instead she spent hours in the game having to shift pig crap with a pressure washer and then butcher her beloved pigs for food. She was horrified.”

Nobody from Trotters Software Inc was available for comment. But a note on the door of their premises said: “Business closed. We made a pigs ear of it.”

At the time of the game’s high-profile launch, director John Smith said: “We have made the game as realistic as possible. Now anyone can experience the exciting life of a pig farmer.”

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