Monday, September 16, 2024
Home Blog Page 360

Cocky Aussies get Ashes sledging lessons

The Editor
-
0
Cocky Aussies get Ashes sledging lessons

Australian cricketers have taken secret lessons to improve their unsporting sledging techniques ahead of the Ashes series, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

Michael Clarke’s side spent two days at a countryside retreat near Woodbridge to learn new ways to wind up England’s plucky batsmen.

The cocky Australians are certain they will successfully defend the Ashes when the first test begins in Cardiff next Thursday.

And they reckon employing new sledging techniques, for which they have excelled in the past, will boost their chances even further.

Aussie skipper Michael Clarke shows off the Ashes trophy

Before playing Essex in a one-day warm-up this week, the Australian team stayed at the Gooday Barbey conference centre on the edge of Tunstall Forest to learn from leading sports psychologist Bruce Tinny.

He led each player through a new range of sledging techniques, including threats of physical injury to batsmen, posing questions about the opposition’s sexual ability, and asking if an opposing batsman “knew where your wife was”.

An insider at Gooday Barbey told the Suffolk Gazette: “The Australians were keen to learn as much as possible about modern-day-sledging techniques. They also drunk the bar dry of lager.

“Clearly they will be using their new knowledge against the poor England batsmen in the Ashes.

“But fair play always wins through, and I expect the England boys will win the Ashes back for the nation using only good sportsmanship.”

A spokesman for the Australian team refused to comment on the sledging seminar, adding only: “You’re about to get your head knocked off.”

Sledging has been used by crafty Aussies for decades. In the mid 1970s they were dubbed the Ugly Australians for tirades led by Rod Marsh and Ian Chappell against the opposition.

A few decades later, fast bowler Merv Hughes became famous for winding-up batsmen.

Merv Hughes gives a friendly message to Graeme Hick

For more top cricket news, see Kevin Pietersen’s career saved by Suffolk, and read about the invention of the world’s first left-handed cricket bat.

It’s getting too hot, moans everyone

The Editor
-
1
It’s getting too hot, moans everyone

Suffolk residents who have spent weeks moaning about the poor summer were today upset that it was getting too hot.

Now that the sun is shining and temperatures are soaring towards 30 degrees, it’s all got too much for everyone who likes to moan whatever the weather.

Wendy Jacobson, who lives near Woodbridge wailed: “It’s far too hot. You can’t go outside without getting sweaty. We need a good storm to clear the air.”

When told that only days ago she was moaning about the summer getting off to a disappointing start, Mrs Jacobson refused to comment.

Jack Gales, of Haverhill told the Suffolk Gazette: “The weather needs to sort itself out. It’s either too cold, wet or windy – or it’s too hot. It’s very difficult to get on with one’s life. It must be dreadful for old people in this heat. They could die from moaning about it.”

Jim Porkie, of forecasters weatherwatchingforyou.com explained: “We expect a prolonged spell of moaning followed by some cooler tempers.”

Felixstowe beach basking in sunshine today

Facebook it:

Tyrone Mings retires to Bournemouth

The Editor
-
1
Tyrone Mings retires to Bournemouth

Exclusive
By Paul Jewellery

Ipswich left-back Tyrone Mings has revealed he is fulfilling his life-long ambition – by moving to Bournemouth to retire.

He will join tens of thousands of pensioners in a comfortable lifestyle by the sea in Dorset, where the weather is nice all year round.

Mings, 22, who cost Ipswich Town just £10,000 when he arrived from non-league Chippenham Town two years ago, has now done his bit on the football field and is looking forward to putting his feet up.

Mings, right, on a previous visit to Bournemouth

A pal said: “Bournemouth is a great place for people to retire, in fact it’s full of old people enjoying their golden years.

“Tyrone has found a nice home where he will make new friends, and there’s even an on-site manager to keep an eye on them. He’s looking forward to lazy days on a deck chair soaking up the sunshine.”

An Ipswich Town insider added: “We wish Tyrone well in his retirement. The lads clubbed together and bought him a carriage clock.”

Mings scored one goal in 56 appearances for the Suffolk club, where he developed a strong relationship with the fans. They will now hope he enjoys his rest.

Pensioners enjoying Bournemouth promenade

Facebook it:

Suffolk in terror as Cowzilla escapes

The Editor
-
4
Suffolk in terror as Cowzilla escapes

By Ivor Traktor
Farming Correspondent (intern)

Terror struck Suffolk yesterday with news that the legendary Cowzilla had escaped and was running amok somewhere in the countryside.

Bertie Thomas, the farmer who owns her, claimed the hefty heifer was “literally unstoppable”.

“Everywhere she goes she’ll leave a trail of destruction,” said Mr Thomas. “She can’t be talked to. She can’t be reasoned with. All she cares about is destroying our way of life.”

According to Mr Thomas, Cowzilla can blend into her surroundings “like a ninja” and strike with deadly surprise attacks.

Cowzilla escaped once before, when she was a calf. She was captured three months later, but only after destroying a combine harvester.

Now she is bigger, stronger and smarter, and Mr Thomas believes it may be impossible to stop her.

Something to beef about: Cowzilla on the loose

Cowzilla, who answers to the name Mandy, has already struck the village of Holton, near Halwsowrth where she damaged a wall, upturned two litter bins, and left a giant steaming cow pat in a children’s play area.

The Suffolk Gazette was unable to speak to any Holton residents, who had locked themselves inside their houses. But our reporters did hear one woman scream: “This is only the beginning!” through a first-floor window.

Suffolk Police have warned the public not to approach Cowzilla at any cost.

The police have not released any official details of their Cowzilla strategy, although one insider told the Suffolk Gazette that they might try to force her into Norfolk.

Facebook it:

Formula One adds Ipswich Grand Prix

The Editor
-
13
Formula One adds Ipswich Grand Prix

WORLD EXCLUSIVE

Boy racers terrorising the streets of Ipswich have impressed Formula One bosses so much that they have now agreed to add an Ipswich Grand Prix to the F1 racing calendar.

F1 mastermind Bernie Ecclestone, who was born in Suffolk, was so taken aback with the speed of youths on the streets around Cardinal Park and the docks one-way system that he was inspired to bring his multi-billion-pound racing circus to Ipswich.

[AdSense-A]

His negotiators have been working in secret with Ipswich borough chiefs on a circuit layout that will take in Ipswich Waterfront, have a pit lane at KFC and the start/finish line outside Staples.

An F1 insider said: “The middle section of the lap will be a high-speed stretch through Neptune Quay – it will be just like racing in Monaco past the marina there.

“The circuit is an exciting one, just as street circuits always are, with many corners and narrow stretches. However, what we will see is plenty of overtaking opportunities on some of the straights.”

The section around Ipswich Marina will rival Monte Carlo

Bringing Formula One to Ipswich will be worth millions to the town’s economy, with hundreds of thousands coming to watch the spectacle, and millions tuning in from around the world to watch the race on television.

The deal will be announced after the British Grand Prix at Silverstone on July 5, but the Suffolk Gazette understands Silverstone will remain in the 2016 calendar alongside Ipswich.

The F1 insider added: “Silverstone will still be the British F1 Grand Prix, whereas Ipswich will be branded as the English F1 Grand Prix. We’re very excited to be bringing Grand Prix racing to Ipswich.”

[AdSense-B]

Ipswich police have been fighting a long battle against boy racers in the town, who zoom around Grafton Way and the other roads around the Cardinal Park retail complex.They also race around the docks one-way system including, Star Lane and College Street.

But all those roads will now feature in the F1 circuit, and police hope the town’s youngsters will be inspired by professional racers.

One policeman said: “Seeing the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso racing around the streets of Ipswich should be something special, and we hope it will be enough of an adrenaline rush for local teens. We believe they will stick to watching rather than copying.”

The arrival of F1 will mean much of Ipswich will be sealed off for five days on the week of the event, penciled in for September 2016. However, local townsfolk will be grateful for the cash boost – while all the roads will be resurfaced in advance of the spectacle.

“It’s a super way to get rid of all the pot holes for free,” said one local businessman.

Facebook it:

Survey reveals people are fed up with surveys

The Editor
-
2
Survey reveals people are fed up with surveys

By Colin Allcabs
Consumer Affairs Editor

A shock survey has revealed that people are totally fed up with reading pointless survey results.

The poll by Suffolk company Daft Research found consumers were irritated by surveys conducted by PR companies and then supplied to the media as genuine ‘news articles’.

survey results

Pointless polls

A huge majority of 87% said they were completely cheesed off with being bombarded by ridiculous surveys, such as the funeral company which ‘revealed’ that most people would prefer not to die tomorrow, or the roadside assistance company which astonishingly concluded that most drivers would rather not break down on a motorway.

Only 27% of those questioned by Daft Research said they did not mind reading about endless surveys, while 15% said they did not know what they felt. Another 10% said they could not add up.

A spokesman for Daft Research, which sent the Suffolk Gazette this story in a press release, said: “Commisioning a survey with stupid questions just to try and create a story simply grates on the consumer.”

What do you think? Take our survey now…

[yop_poll id=”4″]

Facebook it:

George Michael living under the sea

The Editor
-
3
George Michael living under the sea

By Arthur Pint
Entertainment Editor

Superstar George Michael is living life as a hermit crab in a special luxury home under the sea off the Suffolk coast.

The former Wham! star has cut himself off from civilization as he battles to overcome alleged drug abuse and other addictions.

He hopes his self-imposed exile from normal life will rid him of his well-documented demons.

Media reports this week suggested Michael had checked into rehab in Switzerland. But the Suffolk Gazette understands he has bought a special underwater kingdom previously only available to the super rich in Dubai.

Under the waves: George Michael

At a cost of millions, he had the four-bedroom property floated to the North Sea and, under cover of darkness, sunk under the waves about half a mile off the golden beach at Lowestoft.

The underwater palace is made almost entirely of special toughened glass, affording Michael, who had scores of hits like Faith and Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, a brilliant view of East Anglia’s marine life of cod, haddock and plaice.

george-michael-house
Room with a view: George’s stunning living room (pic: H2ome)

He has a special mini-submarine which he uses to make trips to land without the need to wear a rubber wetsuit, which would remind him of one of his alleged fetishes and set his recovery back years.

A pal of the 52-year-old star, said to be worth £50 million, told the Suffolk Gazette: “George wanted the perfect hideaway so he could get over his demons.

“He had seen these glorious underwater homes while touring in the Middle East, and they fitted the bill.

“But he wanted to be close to the UK, so bringing his new home to the North Sea was the ideal solution. He is able to nip out to Lowestoft to buy provisions, and then slip back underwater unnoticed.

“No-one suspects a thing, so it’s the perfect way to get away from it all. He’s been living off Lowestoft for four months now so it’s working out well.

“His team concocted this Swiss rehab story to put people off the scent.”

Facebook it:

Boy steals penguin from zoo

The Editor
-
7
Boy steals penguin from zoo

A ten-year-old boy stole a penguin from a French zoo and smuggled it back to Britain in his backpack, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

He wrapped the penguin up in a towel, popped it in his bag and zipped it up before taking a ferry home across the Channel with his unsuspecting parents.

It was only later that night back at their house in Brantham, Suffolk that the boy’s horrified mum and dad found the penguin splashing about happily in their bath.

Once their son had admitted the theft, they immediately called the RSPCA. Officials from the charity contacted nearby Colchester Zoo, which is now looking after the bird, an adult female Gentoo penguin.

Suffolk Police were called in and have been in contact with their colleagues in Calais, close to the zoo which the family had visited on the last day of their French holiday.

But it is believed officers have agreed not to take further action against the apologetic youngster, who told them he took the penguin to “give it a new home”, and that he had not intended to cause any harm or upset anyone.

gentoo penguin

Vets examined the bird, which they nicknamed Pingu, and found it was none the worse for its unexpected adventure.

French police spokeswoman Mme Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We understand the penguins had just been fed at the zoo near Calais, and because of that they were a little sleepy.

“The boy slipped under a barrier surrounding the penguin enclosure and simply picked up the penguin and wrapped it in his beach towel before putting it in his backpack.

“The family returned to their car soon after and then drove onto the first available ferry from Calais to Dover, then drove home to Suffolk. Meanwhile, the penguin was fast asleep in the bag.

“The parents had no idea what their son had done. They were furious when they found the penguin in the bath, but I think they are seeing the funny side now.”

penguin zoo

Colchester Zoo staff look after the penguin

Colchester Zoo officials said Pingu had settled in very well with her new Penguin pals, and it could be she will remain there rather than being transported back to France.

A member of staff said: “This is quite an extraordinary story, and while it might be funny we urge people not to enter zoo enclosures, and certainly not to steal any of the animals.”

The boy, who can not be named for legal reasons, has since told his parents that he wants to be a zookeeper when he grows up. He might want to consider holding a policy on the animals, in case something similar ever happens to him.

1...359360361...367Page 360 of 367

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us